Shudder
by deanisgayforcas
Summary: this is if Jasper had been attracted to Bella's scent, and not Edward. different from the Twilight book, though some of the things are the same. some OOC stuff.
1. Never Think

disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever.

Also, the song is by Rob Pattinson. totally not mine!

I walked through the doors of my Biology class and sat down to listen to a god awful lesson that I had already sat through a million times in my life before. I was ready to drown my teacher out, and definitely ready to leave this school so I didn't have to hold my breath anymore.

I hated the smell of human blood. It repulsed me. I was so human, so fragile when it came to that scent. When I could feel it pulsin though their veins...it took everything I had not to snap that person's neck. I hated my lack of self-control. It was worse than all of my family's record combined. I had killed thousands, my family only hundreds. I was a pathetic excuse for a "vegetarian" vampire.

My family was very supportive of it, obviously, cause they felt bad for me, I bet. I sensed their regret, remorse, frustration with me. I knew that they hated what I did. It was plainly in their emotions. Mostly I get sadness from them, and a small taint of hope. Sometimes even pity for the disgusting person I am. Even my own wife felt that way about me sometimes. Made me sick to my stomach to think about it.

Suddenly Mr. Banner cleared his throat and I looked up at him. "We have a new student named Isabella Swan. Please make her feel welcome. The only empty seat is next to Mr. Hale. Please go sit by him." Great. Now I could try not to rip her thoat out everyday.

I studied her as she moved towards me. Her skin was as white as mine. Almost an ugly translucent color. She had purple bruise like shadows under her chocolate brown eyes. Her tomboy clothes were baggy under ravenous looking figure. She needed some help with herself, that was plain to see.

She tripped lighly into the seat next to me, and I automatically stiffened as she flung her dark brown hair at me. Oh, no, this wasn't good at all! The vemon in my throat cried out in loud pleas to satiate my thirst. I clenched my hands into very tight fists, as well as my jaw. My beathing grew jagged and erratic as the burn in my throat kept building. I shuddered in short bursts, trying not to lose control of my body and kill her. A room full of witnesses would not be pleasant at all...

For the next 45 minutes, I heard absolutely nothing Mr. Banner was lecturing about. I kept my mind focused on not drinking the poor girl's blood...but everytime I thought that word, my throat screamed in protest, and I had to calm myself all over again. By this time I wasn't breathing at all, but it still didn't help me. Her floral, delicious scent was poured into my brain and it was all I could think about. All I could taste on my tongue...

The bell rang and I burst out of my seat with a vengeance and ran out the door faster than most humans could. Thank God it was lunch time, that I could talk to Edward about all of this mess. I sat at our normal table and waited for my coven to slowly join me.

I ran my fingers through my curly honey-colored hair and heaved a huge sigh. What _was_ I going to do with myself? How could I sit next to an innocent girl everyday and _not_ slip up? It was impossible to spend six more mothis without an incident. I couldn't do it.

"Jasper, snap out of it! God, you're always borrding. Cheer up!" my twin sister, Rosalie, snapped at me.

"I'm sorry, but I'd rather not spend time talking to my two-faced, arrogant bitch of a sister." She narrowed her eyes, her nostrils flared, but she flipped her golden hair over her shoulder and immersed herself in a conversation with her husband Emmett.

"Rose, give him a break. He's got a lot on his mind," Edward commented, sitting down with a tray of food none of us was ever going to eat. "Speaking of which, would you please like to tell me what's bugging you?"

Curiousity, fear, anxiousness...it was all emanating from him. I closed my eyes and thought the words, knowing my brother would hear every word as plain as if I were speaking aloud.

_It's the new girl, Bella Swan. _I heard him chuckle a bit. I sighed in frustration.

"Sorry. That girl just annoys me, is all. I'm not used to not being able to hear people's thoughts. She's blocking me out. It's quite annoying. But continue, please."

_La Tua Contante. _I saw the grin on his face slip, his topaz eyes search the lunchroom for her. Horror...then relief. _I have to sit next to her in Biology. All class I was struggling not to think about drinking her blood. It was so tempting, Edward, even more powerful than a thousand of the other humans I've killed._

Panic filled his eyes. He licked his lips, trying to calculate a rational response to the news I had just sprung on him. "Okay, um, Jasper, I think you need to stick out the rest of the day. But once school gets out, go straight to Carlisle and tell him what's going on. He knows what's best for you."

The others around us we suspicious and brimming with uncurable curiousity. I nodded hastily, and then focused on my battered black Chucks. I didn't even look up when Alice tentatively called my name. I knew she was worried, but I had no desire to talk about the petty human girl whose blood was driving me to an insane asylum.

A bell resonated through the cafeteria and I hurried on to the next class of th day--gym. At least running will give me some endorphants and take my mind off of Bella. I _really _nneded that right now. She was driving me fucking insane!

I headed straight for the locker room and quickly dressed into my workout attire, laced my Chucks up, and headed out the door to get in roll call order in the back of the gym lines. Our coach began to call our names out. I almost screamed in fury when his mouth formed the name "Isabella Swan." Please no! I can't have _two_ classes with this poor, unlucky girl! She was gonna get eaten surely now.

Hands balled into fists again, clenched jaw tightening. No! I would _not _let myself think that there was no hope. I was going to get through the next two classes, and then let Carlisle sort it out when I visited him at the hospital after school. One way or another, the girl was going to live. I would not be the sadistic bastard who stole her life away from her. Not this time.

We entered the outside, hit the track, and I automatically started running at a fast human pace, which was quite annoying, but it didn't threated the exposure of me and my vampire family. I tried to let my mind wander toward the most random of things. Days spent laughing with Alice, teaching an English class, writing my first song on guitar, warm days hanging out in the meadow with Edward, gambling with Emmett...happy times in my existence.

I had to remember, because I was so afraid those days were gone. The carefree ones where the ony thing I had to worry about was losing my not-so-hard-earned cash to my burly older brother. Or getting a scolding about my language, or the window or piece of furniture I'd accidentally broken. Those were the best days. But I could feel them slipping away and out of my grasp. It was terrifying.

While I ran I just kept thinking about my family. Esme. Carlisle. Edward. Emmett. Rosalie. Alice. Peter. Charlotte. Tanya. Irina. Kate. Eleazar. Carmen. I loved them all to death. I thought about things they've said to me that's made an impact in my life. How they've all stuck by me after I came home, heaving dry sobs, covered in blood after slaughtering another person. How they marveled at how well I played the guitar. They've inspired me to no end.

So I thought about lyrics, tied to create something. What if I was a horrible vampire with pitiful self-control? What if she was an innocent by-standard with good smelling blood? What if I tried to be friends with her, but ended up falling in love and exposing my secret to her? What if she told me it didn't matter?

Ha! Wow. I was getting _way_ ahead of myself here. Bella Swan could never love a monster like me. And even if she did, she'd be terrified of me if I really opened up and told her about myself. Plus, I kind of had a wife. Alice. Yeah, I doubt shed' like it if I ran off with some stupid human.

As if reminding me how human she really was, she flew by me, but twisted her anke, and ended up colliding with the pavement. A flush of red heated up her cheeks, and I fought to stay in control of my actions. She needed help up, that much was obvious, and no one was offering it to her, It was probably very wrong to apporach her. But hey, how was I going to fight my demons if I let this girl eat me out of house and home?

Cautiously I approached Bella, held up my hand for her to take. She would probably shy away from it, though, when she felt how cold it was. Just one of the perks of being dead. Cold white skin. Wasn't pleasant, I assumed. She accepted my hand anyways, without even a flinch and I helped her up.

"Thank you," she mumbled towards me, then set off jogging in the opposite direction I was heading. Hmm. So she was shy. And delicious. well, she'd be scared to wits' end instead of just embarassed if she kept blushing like that around me.

I tried to let her escape from my mind and think about the good times again, but her face kept creeping into my mind, her scent overpowering me, scalding my mind. Just as I was at the peak of frustration, the coach blew the whistle and I swiftly ran into the locker room to wash the memory of her away.

All through my next class, she was all I could think about. I must've replayed her falling a thousand times in my head. I studied her face, like I was trying to recognize something that wasn't there. For a moment, I just wished she was a vampire like the rest of us, so I wouldn't have to kill her. Sometimes, I just wish there was another coven here in Forks doing the same thing we are; trying to bled in with the human life.

She kept runnning thruough my mind until the bell rang and I hurried out the doors towards Edward's Volvo. It's a good thing we like to drive fast, because I was pretty anxious to go see Carlisle and talk through my issues with this ignorant girl.

He was already in the car when I got there and we were waiting for Rosalie and Emmett to come inside so we could go home. They always took _forever_. It was so annoying! And worse off, they were always in this lovey-dovey attitude that made me just want to hurl. I'm sure Edward didn't want to hear about their sex life, either.

They finally came and my brother sped away towards our manion. It didn't take us very long at the rate and speed he was driving. So when we got hime, he left the keys in the ignition and I flew towards the hospital to my father's office.

It took about 15 minutes to get there and I was already freaking out. I bounded into his office, but he apparently was working with a patient right now. I sat down and ran my fingers through my hair again, and closed my eyes tight, pinched the bridge of my nose, tried not to focus on Bella for the millionth time. It felt like such a long time that I stood there meditating and then I heard my father's voice.

"Jasper? Son? Are you alright?" Concern.

"Depends on your definition," I snapped, and then looked him in the eyes. "You've heard of la tua contante, haven't you?"

Uneasiness now. "Of course I have. Jasper, please tell me you didn't hurt the person. What happened?"

"No, she's fine. I have her in two of my classes, one of which I have to sit next to her in. It's horrible, Carlisle. I can't even function when she's around because all I can think about is her and how much her blood appeals to me. It's taking all of my energy not to snap her neck, to taste her blood running warm down my throat. I'm terrified that I'll slip up."

My father sat down beside me in his desk chair and thought my words over. I was getting confused by the range of emotions he was spitting at me. Panic, optimism, distaste, happiness, disappointment, wistfulness...it just kept changing. I had no idea what to think about it. He kept me guessing, until finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he spoke to me.

"I don't always know what's best like you all think I do. One thing I do know is that you should never run away and hide from your prbolems. You should always confront them, attack them head on." He placed a hand on my shoulder. "Son, this might be a mistake, but I think you should stay here. Get to know the girl some. I believe in you."

"You've seen how much I've killed, Carlisle. How can you believe in me when I don't believe in myself? What makes you so sure that I won't kill her in the end?"

"Because I know you, and who you are. You are very determined to get what you want. The fact you've resisted so hard already and that you are standing here in front of me, and she is out there, alive and well, is a sign, son. I know you can rise above the challenge. You won't kill her. I think if you get to know her, it will perish all thought of her murder. You just have to fight fate to keep her alive. I'm curious, who is this girl, anyways?"

"Chief Swan's daughter." Carlisle sucked in a low breath. Disapporival. Cautuon. "Her name's Bella. And you're right, I just might have to fight fate to keep her alive. Both times I've seen her, she tripped over her chair in Biology and twisted her ankle and fell in gym. She's a klutz."

"Of course that would be exactly the type of girl you'd attract." He chuckled lightly. "I know you can do this, Jasper. Don't disappoint yourself." His eyes held warmth and kindness. He really believed in me. I couldn't disappoint him; couldn't try so hard and then turn around and kill her. I'm not sure I could ever look at him the same.

I nodded and then drove Edward's Volvo back home. When I entered the door, my whole curious family was waiting for an explanation from me. They were ditufully sitting in our virtually unused dining room table. I heaved a huge sigh, and flung into my explanation.

"The new girl, Bella Swan, sits next to me in Biology. She also has gym class with me. And I'm finding it extremely hard not to kill her right now. Because she's my singer." Gasps filled the room.

"What did Carlisle say about it, Jazz?" Edward asked me. Desperation.

"He told me to stick it out and get to know her. He believes if I gain some respect for her, I'll be less likely to kill her. He told me I could do it. That I couldn't run away from this like I wanted to." A sob broke free from Esme's chest, and instantly I felt guilty about almost choosing that route.

"I just wish I could know what the girl was thinking..." he muttered. "Do you know anything about her at all?" I shifted uncomfortably.

"Well, um, beside the fact she's clumsy, nothing at all, really. But I do plan on getting to know her. I want to beat this thing. I don't want her blood to tempt me. I'm going to fight."

Emmett laughed. Love. Warmth. Relief. Pride. "I knew you could do it, little brother. You know we all believe you won't take a snap at her. Don't we?"

Esme was the first one to speak. "Of course we do! Honny, I know you can surpass any obstacle in your way. I'm so proud of you, Jasper."

Alice was next. "I'll always believe in you. No matter what." I loved this girl.

Then Edward spoke. "If you keep thinking the way you are now, I have no doubt everything will go as planned. I can't believe you've touched her and didn't lose control."

"Wait, what? You touched her?" Emmett interrupted.

_Thanks, Edward._ He smirked at me. "She fell in gym. I helped her up."

"Always trying to be the southern gentlemen." Rosalie snapped at me. Anger. Hurt. Jealousy. It all rolled off of her in strong waves. "I hope you kill that insignificant little bitch before you become obsessed with her. Legend has it, you fall in love with your singer. It's like imprnting in the werewolf world--you meet her, and you fall in love. Her blood calls to you, and if you don't kill her, she's your soul mate. I dout you'd wanna hurt Alice that way by falling in love with a fragile human."

She got up from the table and sped up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door. Oh, boy. This is not good, is it? No. I will not let myself fall in love with Bella. I only intend to strike up a comraderie, not setting up a romance with the poor girl. But we all know things don't always end up how we intend them to...

I bit my lip, and flew up the flight of stair to the bedroom Alice and I shared. Gah. So much pent up emotions inside of me. It's never a good thing. I spend _way_ too much time analyzing the people around me and their feelings. I try too hard to warp them into smething. I tried too hard to help them. I was neglecting myself, and that's what triggeed my psychotic episode. Last time I flipped out, I slaughtered too many people, hurt my family beyond belief, trashed the whole mansion...almost committed suicde...

But that was nearly 25 years ago. I should know what to expect and how to tame myself next time around. _If _there was a next time...

I stared at my shiny Epiphone acoustic guitar, and felt an itch in my fingers to play it. It's been over three months since I'd written any new material. I just hadn't had the incentitive, the will to expose feelings, to put my thoughts into words and a melody. Now I felt the sudden urge to pick the guitar up and create a new tune.

Cradling it to my chest, I sat back down on the bed and messed around with a few chords, trying to find a melody that inspired me. It took quite a while. Kind of frustrating because I felt that everytime I found something I liked, I had either already used it for another song, or it had been created by someone else.

Maybe three and a half hours later, something finally clicked. I struck an unneccesary chord on accident, and suddenly everything was much brighter. Like the whole world finally came into perspective and I knew exactly what I wanted now. I knew how I was going to play it out. It had certainly inspired me. Simple, but kind of powerful in the most intoxicating way.

It took quite a while for me to play the whole thing through, to write out all the chords in a legible manner. And then for the lyrics...I chewed on my lip. Hadn't I thought about this earlier, created a plot and a sequence in my head? Yes..it was during gym when I was trying not to think of Bella. _Trying_, but not succeeding. _Trying,_ being the complicated and frustrating operative word.

For a moment I thought about it, and then I remembered exactly what my song had been about--the pitiful vampire hung up on the ignorant human, who didn't care who or what he was. Because she was already in too deep.

As I mulled over that, the words rushed into my head easily, and I had to fihgt to write fast enough--and so I could actually read what I wrote--before the lyrics escaped from my mind. My pencil was flying across the paper. Writing, erasing, rewriting, changing words again, proof reading...and then, I surveyed the work, marveled at my accomplishment.

I picked my Epiphone back up and began to play out the song, adding the lyrics along with the melody. My voice wasn't as great as Edward's, but it had decent quality to it. I had never been serious about it before. I guessed it was about time I started taking singing lessons, now that I was writing music again. Clearing my throat, the words jumped to life from the frozen sheet of paper.

"I should never think what's in your heart. What's in our home. So I won't. You'll learn to hate me but still call me baby. Oh love, so call me by my name.

"And save your soul. Save your soul before you're too far gone and before nothing can be done.

"I'll try to decide when. She'll lie in the end. I ain't got no fight in me in this whole damn world. So hold off. She should hold off. It's the one thing that I've known. Once I put my coat on. I coming out in this all wrong. She standing outside holding me, saying 'Oh please, I'm in love, I'm in love.

"Girl, save your soul. Go on, save your soul before it's to far gone and before nothing can be done.

"Cause without me, you got it all, so hold on. Without me, you got it all, so hold on. Without me you got it all. Without me you got it all, so hold on. Without me you got it all. Without me you got it all, so hold on."

I heard a sigh at the door, and wheeled around to find Esme in the doorway, eyes closed, savoring the monet. "I love it when you boys play your music. It makes me feel connected to you. That song was very lovely, Jasper." She snapped open her golden eyes.

They held my attenton. There was something a lot like hurt in them. "I'm glad you're writing again. It was like a piece of you had been missing and that you're slowly gaining youself back."

She walked over to sit next to me on the bed. "Don't give up hope. You've got the biggest heart of anyone I know. Sure, you've seen and done a lot of bad things, but deep down I know who you really are. Let that guy break through. Don't let the battle scars define you."

Her lower lip tembled and I embraced her in a tight hug as she gasped for air. She hated me to see her cry. None of us liked to show we were vulnerable.

After she stopped crying she straightened out and cleared her throat. "Carlisle will be home from work soon. We might paly a few games as a family." Emphasis on the last word. "I'd like it if you joined us."

I cringed a little. "Is Rosalie going to be there?"

"Now, Jasper, give your sister a break. She was only trying to warn you and protect Alice before you got in too deep. She didn't mean any harm."

My lower lip jutted out a little. "I know," I mumbled. "I just wish she wouldn't pry into my business so much, you know? it's frustrating."

"Honey, she only does it because she loves you. And because she worries about you non-stop. We all do."

"Yeah, I know. But can I be excused for tonight, please? I'm feeling strangely inspired and I think I have a million more songs to write tonight." Esme laughed.

"Sure." And then she was gone.

I laid down on the soft, cushiony bed and stared at my arm, glaring at all the thousands of half-moons filling up my entire body. It got me thinking about my unchangeable past, and how I had been the most evil person back then. All there was to me was killing games and mistrust. I'd been awful until I revolted. And even then, I was still disgusted about myself. But it was all in the past. I hadn't known any better, and I couldn't go back to change it. Only thing I could do was shape the outlook of my future.

Soon enough, the guitar was back in my hands, and I was spending the rest of the night pouring my heart out onto paper for the world to glimpse.

I was Jasper Whitlock Hale, born 1844 in Houston, Texas. And I was a vampire about to fall in love with a human.


	2. Unintended

disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. it's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Muse. totally not mine!

And the poem is used is from the movie The Invisible. not my line of work.

"Jasper?" Alice called to me from the stairway. I shut my thick book and walked out the door to greet her. She was dressed in some kind of frilly dress thing over skinny jeans and flats. She was all ready to go to school. But I wasn't. I was nervous a fuck.

I had gotten ready. I wore a plain back t-shirt, old faded jeans and checkered Vans. Just simple. Alice always disapproved of my fashion sense, but she never tried to change me. And for that I was grateful.

But the prospect of getting up, riding in a car, going to school frightened me. It was kind of a terrible feeling that I felt. Talking to Bella today was kind of terrifying. What if she didn't want to talk to me? What if we were nothing alike; didn't even click? What if we didn't like each other? Rejection kind of sucked.

But, in the end, I knew I had to man up and trudge to school and get over my fear. Get over my anxiety. Get over her blood...I think maybe if I learned to care about her then it would change my perception of her blood. Almost like if I cared enough about her, I wouldn't be able to kill her. The girl held promise, and I didn't want to destroy it for her.

Reluctantly, I followed her and into Edward's Volvo. All the while, in deep concentration about what I would say to the poor girl. I was going over in my head dozens of conversations we could have, the kind of things we would talk about, the millions of possible questions I had for her. I fleetingly wondered what some of her favorite thing were. And why she would want to move to Forks, Washington, in the first place.

We got to school rather quickly and I peered around the parking lot just to see if I could find her. Sure enough, she was leaning against her red, rusted old truck reading a book. _Wuthering Heights, _to be exact. I smiled. So she liked those kind of books. Very interesting.

As if she knew I was watching her, her eyes flickered up from the book and to my face. Noticing that I was staring back, her eyes fell back to her Emily Bronte book and her face flushed scarlet red. Oh, stupid girl. Don't you know how much you tempt me when you do that?

I couldn't take my eyes away from her. The sight was intoxicating. My throat burned with a dry ache, but I welcomed it. It was kind of a good feeling. Today, instead of tempting, she smelled of obsession.

Edward jabbed my side and reluctantly I tore my eyes away from Bella reading her book. I didn't want to turn away. I wanted to talk to her, get to know her. Hopefully Mr. Banner would give us time in class to talk to the new grl.

The bell sounded and I headed off to Mrs. Goff's Spanish class. She was a bright teacher, very lively, and absolutely loved us Cullens--well, the three of us in her classs. I had her first period, Emmett fifth, and Edward last. We knew our Spanish just as well as she does. Edward probably knew more than her. But nevertheless, she loved that I actually paid attention and seemed to benefit from the class.

My mind was definitely on Bella, and how I had to suffer through two more casses til I got to see her again. It was all pretty strange. Yesterday, I was running away from her, and today I was practically embracing the idea of her. What had come over my mind?

Mrs. Goff asked me a question. "Mr. Hale, would you please inform Miss Johnson what ice skating is in Spanish?" Lacey Johnson was the shy girl who sat next to me. She wasn't the smartest girl when it came to foreign languages.

I cleared my throat. "Uh, el patinaje sobre hielo."

"Good. And can you please tell her what in-line skating is?"

"El patinaje en linea." And then I spaced out again. Thinking, wondering, if maybe Bella liked to ice skate. God, why was she always pushing through into my thoughts? I didn't even fucking know the girl! Her smell just intoxicated me this morning; I couldn't help but be compelled by her.

The rest of the classed passed by with no incident, and then I was off to my creative writing class. Once I entered the room I took yesterday's assignment out. We had to write an aricle about the true meaning of Robert Frost's poem _Fire and Ice_. Interestingly enough, we had to write about which way we'd prefer to die. And since the only way I can die is by fire, I pretty much didn't hesitate to choose ice.

Looking at the board, I read today's assignment. 'Write a poem and/or a song about anything you choose. Must be at least ten lines long. No innapropriate language. If it's of mature content, please come and see me for approval.'

I sighed. Well, that's something I know all too well. I could choose from one of the millions of songs I have written at home. But maybe I'd write something new tonight for Esme's amusement. Edward hadn't played the piano in months, and after our conversation last night, she could use a little music in her life.

But I could write the poem right now in class. Five minutes into the class, we would be reading a couple of the articles and I wouldn't have time to brainstorm. I touched pen to paper, and a surge of happiness electrocuted deep into my bones. Words free-flowed.

'Days burns down to night, burns the edge of my soul. In the night break into sparks of suns and become fires end; the dust of bones. Night knifes my breath, swallows whole my tongue. Turn back, reverse, return. In the night I see the real concealed in the day's bright lie. Eyes stiched shut, white teeth smile. Sleep walks and talks and feet mark time to the drumless beat.' I wrote it out, surveyed, edited, and then thrust the sheet of paper into my folder and listened to the rest of class.

Next class was extremely boring. I sat through a lecture on quadratic equations. And when the bell started, I leaped out of my seat and stormed out the door to Biology. Heck yes! This was the moment I had been waiting for. I would break out of my shell and actually talk to someone for a change.

Sitting down, I stared at the door waiting for Bella Swan to enter the classroom and sit beside me. When she did, I caught her eye. Her mouth parted, her eyes widened a little...and then she ran into a table. A blush rose on her cheeks and she shuffled to her seat.

And it was like a hot poker being shoved down my throat. It was burning incessantly, and with an uncontrollable vigor. But I was strangely in control.

The bell rang and a sallow-looking Mr. Banner came up the the podium. "Class, I'm not feeling well, do I don't have a lesson plan for today. Do whatever you want. But please don't talk too loud."

The class exploded with cheers. I was pretty exuberant myself. I took out my silver cell and texted a message to Edward. 'No Biology lesson. It's a perfect chance. Wish me luck.'

'You don't need it.' he responded. 'I know you can do this. Tell me about it at lunch.'

I snapped the phone shut and put it back in my pocket. With a deep breath, I turned towards the girl and smiled. "Hi. I didn't introduce myself yesterday. I'm Jasper Hale."

"Bella Swan," she introduced. Nervousness. Curiosity. Astonishment. Confusion.

"Nice name." My grin grew wider. "Well, Bella, if you don't mind my asking, what compelled you to move to this dreary town?"

"Uh, it's kind of a long sory." One I would love to know.

"I'm pretty sure I can keep up. I'm a fast learner." Her eyes perused me, as if looking for a hidden motive. After a long while, she spoke.

"My mom was unhappy staying at home with me when she could be with her new husband traveling with him. She missed him, and I loved her too much to keep hurting her. So I told her I wanted to get to know Charlie more and spend some time living his kind of life."

"That's a pretty good reason. And here I thought it was because you loved the cold and rain."

She laughed. "Are you kidding me? I miss wamth. And having dryness. This place sucks." She paused for a moment, considering something. "But I guess in the end it will be worth it."

"Well, since I'm sitting next to you for the whole semester, why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself."

"Uh, okay, what do you want to know?" Curiosity. Confusion.

"What's some of your favorite things?"

"Well, um, my favorite color varies from day to day. Don't watch much tv, so I don't have a specific movie or show. Uh, I like the book Wuthering Heights. As far a music goes, I kind of like Linkin Park. What about you?"

"I like the color red. Book is probably Phantom of the Opera by Gaston Leroux. Music is Four Letter Lie. I don't really watch much tv either. Do you have any siblings?"

"No, it's just me. Though I always wished for an older brother."

"Ah, well, you can have mind. He's got the greatest personality of the family."

"The Cullens?" she asked.

"Yeah. They adopted me and my sister." Caution.

"Tell me about them."

'Well, my sister Rosalie is the blond one. She's pretty vain. And stubborn. And she's dating Emmett, the really buff guy. He may seem menacing, but trust me, he's the funniest guy you will ever meet. And then there's Edward, the bronze-haired one. He's got a knack for playing the piano and knowing every band to ever walk to earth. The short black-headed girl is my girlfriend"--I had to be careful not to say wife--"Alice. She's into fashion and shopping."

"Interesting group. So what are you known for?"

"My literary knowledge. I've read mostly everything there is to read out there. And I write pretty much everything. Lyrics poems, articles, reviews, novels, short stories...you name it."

"At least you're known for something exciting. I'm known as either the Chief's daughter or the exceptionally clumsy girl." She rolled her eyes and I laughed.

"I noticed. But if your favorite book is Wuthering Heights, it suggests you're pretty well-read. Do you read Shakespeare? Or perhaps Jane Austen?" Her eyes sparkled at the two authors I mentioned.

"I like them both a whole lot! But I didn't realize guys read Jane Austen." I laughed again.

"I didn't, either. I may just be the only one." I winked. "But like I said, I've read most stuff that was written. So you play any intruments?"

"Not at all. Not exactly musically inclined." She shook her head and chucked. "Let me guess, you play guitar?"

"It is that obvious?" I grinned as she nodded and blushed. Her blush was pretty adorable. I'm pretty sure my heart would be thumping if it could beat at all.

"You know, you don't seem to fit in well with the others here," I informed her. "They're all about clothes and gossip. Your interests go deeper than that."

"Yeah, it seems like I'm the only perceptive person at this school sometimes." She sighed. "But I'm used to it. I didn't exactly have friends back at my school in Phoenix, either."

That shocked me. "Why? I just met you, but I can already see what a great person you are. Sometimes people can just be _so_ frustrating." This news upset me. How could people _not_ like her? She was magnetic! There was some unnatural force that completely drew me towards her. I had a feeling she was going to greatly impact my life.

The bell rang and Bella and I parted ways into the cafeteria. She went to eat with her "friends" and I went to the usual Cullen table. Edward and Alice were both there already, grilling me about how it went with Bella.

I informed them of what we talked about and how easy it was to just sit around and hang out with her. Our conversations just...flowed. I really hoped to get to know her better. For once I was enthusiastic about a human interaction.

Half-way through lunch, Edward asked to speak to me privately and escorted me out the cafeteria doors to speak in private. While getting up and leaving, I felt Bella's eyes burn into me, but I was too scared to turn around and greet them.

When we were outside, Edward turned on me. All the niceness was gone from his eyes. "Jasper, what the hell are you doing? You're sounding like she's your unintended soul mate. You're worshipping this random girl you barely know. You sound in love."

"Edward, you now how much I love Alice, and I would never, ever do anything to hurt her. You know me better than that. Bella fascinated me, that's all She's not like the rest of the girls here. She's intuitive and special. What's so wrong with being able to share my interests with someone?"

"Nothing, Jasper. But it's when you start talking about her with that dreamy look in your eye. She's a _human_; pathetic and mortal. You do realize if you chase her, it's all going to erupt in your face."

'Not exactly. See, I was thinking about this earlier. If I did fall in love with her, and she fell in love with me, I wouldn't hold any secrets back from her. I'd tell her everything about me; about us. And I have a feeling she wouldn't be scared off. In fact, I'm pretty sure she'd want me to change her, so then I would, and we'd live happily ever after."

Edward stared at me with wide eyes. Disbelief. Shock. "Jasper," he said my name slowly. "If you for one second think that's actually going to work, then you were a bigger damn fool than I thought. If you leave Alice, I'll never forgive you."

Okay. He started it. Red tinted eyes. Hot metal on my tongue. I was fucking _furious_. "Why?" I snapped. "So you can sweep the damsel in distres off her feet? I see the way you look at her, Edward. I feel your emotions when you're around her. I've been tying to ignore it because she didn't feel the same way."

Maybe I didn't look menacing, being only three inches taller than him, but I snarled in his face. "But if you think for one second _that_ will work, then you were a bigger damn fool than _I_ thought you could ever be. Bastard."

I walked away, seething, everything intensely sharp and clear. I was perceptive when I was raging, but never in control. Fucking idiot! How dare he think he can play Superman with _my_ Lois Lane?! But as I walked on to English lit, I thought of what Edward had told me. That I was in love with this girl. That I got a dreamy look in my eye when I spoke about her.

And my vision of how I'd come in and be with her and live the rest of my existence out with her as vampires. Maybe I _was_ a fool to think she'd want to end up that way with me. No. _I_ was the fool for even thinking this way. But it couldn't be...because of Alice.

Oh, my god, Edward was right! I was falling head over heels for this girl I've know for two days and discarding my own wife for him to steal in the process! This was all a monstrosity...! I knew I was a horrible person, but I had no idea I was capable of this kind of treachery!

That was how I spent my next class; thinking about this situation. Maybe I should apologize to Edward. But he couldn't know that Bella was someone I was fantasizing about. He couldn't know how much I truly felt for the girl. I'm positive he'd tell Alice and my life would be over.

Oh. Alice! She could already know. Shit! I forgot all about her visions of the future. If I keep heading down the path I am, she was certainly going to see something sooner or later and then question me about it. And when it came to her, I always surrendered. I would tell her the truth about everything she wanted to hear without hesitating. She deserved it.

I got dressed for gym in a daze; mind still processing this whole huge fiasco I'd gotten myself in, that I didn't even notice Bella edging towards me until I smelt her.

I looked over at her, trying to keep a pleasant expression, but I felt my face keep falling. "Jasper, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I saw you and your brother fighting earlier and you both looked pretty upset." Concern.

I gave her the tiniest bit of an appreciation smile. "Thanks for caring, Bella. Honestly, though, no, I'm not alright. We both said some horrible things to each other. I don't take back my words, but some of the things he said made me reevaluate some stuff. I want to apolgize, but that's like giving up and admitting I was wrong."

We were walking along the track now. Today wasn't a running day. "Oh, well, what were you fighting about? Maybe I can help out a little."

I was careful to choose my words. "It's about a girl I'm in love with."

"Alice." She'd been listening. I decided to roll with the punches.

"Yeah. He thinks I'm making a terrible mistake. But it's only because he loves her too, and wants me to break things off with her so he can come and make her fall in love with him."

"But he's your brother! Why wouldn't he just keep his thoughts to himself? Okay, so you said he was right then? About you making a mistake?"

I nodded. "I think so. We're not really...compatable. She's really outgoing and cheerful. I'm quiet and pretty much sad most of the time. She's really fashion forward when I could care less about what I wear. We're...very different. But they say opposites attract."

She laughed lightly. "That saying lies. You have to be able to share some of your favorite things with the person. You have to talk about things with them. I don't know, I just think you should mesh with the person. But honestly, if you are having any doubts, then follow what you think is right. Don't hesitate to break up with her if you think or feel that things aren't going the way they should. How long have you and Alice been together?"

50 years. But I couldn't say that, so 50 weeks. In a second, I translated it to months. "Almost a year. Give or take a couple months."

"Wow. Well, I don't know from personal experience, but I think if you are having extreme doubt about a relationship, then it's better off not to cling to it. I hope I helped?"

"Yeah. I think you did." Immensely so. Gosh, this woman is fantastically amazing in all matters! "Thanks for listening, Bella."

"No problem. Thanks for confiding in me. It means a lot." We grew silent.

I sat brooding in the car on the way back from scool with Edward and the family. I didn't want a confrontation with him, but when we hit home, I knew thas what was going to happen.

The other were all inside and we were in his Volvo. "Jasper, I want to apologize. I shouldn't have antagonized you like that. But I just really want you to think about this. Like I said, you're talking and thinking like she's your unintented soul mate, when you've already got one inside those doors right there."

"I know. Edward, I'm sorry too. I didn't realize what was gong on until you pointed it out. Really sorry I freaked out on you and accused you of stealing my wife."

"No, you were right about that. I am in love with Alice. And sometimes I just wish the two of you would be over so I could have her all to myself. Thats a pretty errant and selfish thought, but that's the kind of guy that I am. But if you really want to be with Alice, I'm not stopping you."

Hmm. Unintended soul mate...I strangely felt a song coming on. "Well, okay. Let's just call a truce. When I figure out what to do, you'll be the first to know." He nodded and I ran off quickly.

I exploded up the stairs, leaving a spluttering Esme confused and annoyed. I left Rosalie's piercing eyes. I entered Alice's and my room and slammed the door loudly. Her mouth flew open in surprise.

"Jasper? Honey, what's wrong?" Her hands flung around my waist. I tensed up and shrugged her off me.

"Nothing," I muttered,. "I'll be fine once I write it all out."

"Okay. But if you need anthing, I'm always here to talk." She was oozing with worry. I touched my hand to her pale cheek and calmed her emotions down.

"Don't worry, Alice. Everything will be okay." I sure hoped it would! She left me and I broke out my Epiphone, trying not to snap strings as I played out a simple melody. I scribbled on a sheet of paper the lyrics that had popped into my head when speaking to Edward. One word he kept saying stuck out. I titled my work "Unintended" and then began playing the song.

"You could be my unintended choice to live my life extended. You could be the one I'll always love.

"You could be the one who listens to my deepest inquisitions. You could be the one I'll always love. I'll be there as soon as I can but I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before. First there was the one who challenged all my dreams and all my balance. She could never be as good as you.

"You could be my unintended choice to live my life extended. You should be the one I'll always love.

"I'll be there as soon as I can but I'm busy mending broken pieces of the life i had before. I'll be there as soon as I can but Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before, before you."

I sighed in satisfation at the song, but didn't think about who I actually wrote it about. I put my guitar down, and joined my family for a little fun and games. Everything would turn out okay in the end.


	3. Headlights on the Highway

disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. it's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is Headlights on the Highway by Ron Pope. totally not mine!

It was about four in the morning hen Alice retreated up to our room and finally caught me alone. I could tell she was worried about me. I never spoke to her about anything anymore, and I could see how much it was eating her up.

We hadn't spoken about the Bella thing for a moment. I knew it was probably hurting her a lot that I had been spending the past couple of weeks getting to know her. She was brimming with jealousy and I hadn't stopped to ask her if she was alright. So when she saw me reading a book I've already read, she struck for action.

"Jasper? I don't know if you want to talk about it, but I feel like we should." She sat down next to me on the bed and looked up at me. In defeat--and at the horribly depressed look on her face--I put my book on the dresser and took her in my arms. Her head fell onto my chest.

She started sniffling dry tears; her tiny body moving up and down as her breath came out in short spurts. It had been a long time since I'd seen her cry. She's always been optimistic and happy and didn't let things bother her very much. I hated to think I was the reason for her pain as I held her, comforting her as much as possible.

When she was done crying, she looked up at me, straight into eyes with a crippling stare. "Jasper..." she whispered, voice full of sadness. "Help me understand what's going on with you. You don't talk to me about everything the way you used to. You just shut me out. I don't know if it's me being silly, but it's like you don't need me the same way you used to."

She took a deep breath to steady her voice. "And it seems like you don't even want to touch me anymore. I try to hug you and you just shove me off. Is it me? Is it because you don't feel the same way about me as you used to?"

"Alice, how could I _not _love you? You are the most amazing person I've ever met. Lately I've been neglecting you for Bella, and I don't think I'm being fair. I'm sorry, and I know that's a lame apology. But I think I'm letting what Rosalie said get to me."

"That she wants you to kill her? Jasper, you don't have to prove yourself to her. Or anyone for that matter. I would never ask you to stop hanging out wtih Bella, because I know what she means to you. You connect with her on a different level that we do. And that's okay, but I just want to know how I fit into the equation. Because I've been thinking a lot about what she said too."

Surprise rose inside of me. "Jasper, you've heard the legend. There's no way of knowing if it's true or not...but the vampires supposedly always fall in love with their singer if they don't succumb to the blood first. I guess I'm just scared that it's going to happen to you, and I'll be alone."

"Alice, I can't see the future like you can, so I don't know if the path I'm on will lead us there. But you will never, ever be alone. You'll have the family no matter what. You might even have Edward if that situation presents itself."

"Edward?"

"Honey, you didn't notice? He's been in love with you for quite a while now. I've even had a brief talk with him when he admitted it to me. He said he sometimes wished I'd fall in love with Bella so he can have you and he doesn't have to be alone anymore." I stopped, sensing her anger. "He's being extremely pleasant about it towards me. Don't be angry."

"How can I not? You just told me my brother is waiting on the sidelines til we get a divorce! How is that being extremely pleasant when he's admitting to that? He--"

I brought my lisd on hers for a momnt and then smiled at her cocked head and curious expression. "Love. Who said anything about divorce? I may be confused as hell, but I am not going to give up on us. You're absolutely everything I've been dreaming of, and I'm not going to leave you without a fight. Bella means a lot to me, but you mean more to me than she ever will. If that changes, you'l be the first person I'd tell the news to. But for now, you're the only thing in the world I can't live without."

A smile spread across her angelic face. She kissed me with some unkown passion in there, and I held her even tighter against me. Her hands hugged me closer to her and her legs wrapped around my waist. Good thing about kissing is we didn't need to come up for air. It felt good to be close to her again. It had been a long time and I really missed her.

I laughed into our kiss and I spun around, pinning her to the bed instead of me. She let out a soft, surprised cry and laughed along with me before I begun kissing her again. So much tension around the house lately...it felt really good to unwind and just live in the moment. Spend time kissing my wife. Enjoy late morning with her in my arms...

A few hours later we were holding each other close under our dark blue sheets. We weren't speaking, but we didn't need words. We both knew how the other one felt. Her eyes were closed as if she was resting, and I was tracing circles with my thumb on her bare back.

"Hey, Jasper?" she mumbled. "Would you write me a song? I know you've been delving into that lately and figured if you had a purpose for writing, it might come easier."

"Of course I will, Alice. Anything for you." I glanced at the clock, gauging the amount of time we had til school. "Hmm. But I'll have to work on it later. We've got class in 20."

We scrambled out of bed and to the closet to look for something to wear. She picked out some light blue strapless floral dress thing and what she inormed me to be "light blue leggings with a classic pair of black ballet flats. Ballet flats for the graceful dancer."

I'd picked out a light blue button up to match her dress and a pair of dark-wash jeans with all black Chucks. It made her happy when I coordinated my clothing with hers, and watching her face light up made everything worthwhile.

We piled into Edward's Volvo and huddled to school. I got out of the car hand-in-hand with Alice, who was dancing and twirling around at my side with happiness. I could feel Bella's eyes on me as we walked past her; earbuds in, reading the latest Nicholas Sparks novel. I avoided making that eye contact.

And then when we were walking by her, Emmett called us from behind. "You, Jazz! Alice! Wait up!" He ran at human pace towards us, leaving Rose and her high-heels behind wih Edward.

"Hello, Emmett!" Alice practically sang, with a bounce in her step. His roaring laugh responded.

"Wow." He patted my back. "Nice work, dude. It's about time you two started doing it again. Sex is always the key to making your woman feel better. Nice to finally see you all back in that arena."

I rolled my eyes. "Sex may always work on Rose cause she's a slut--" I laughed at her growl behind me--'but there are other ways, believe it or not."

"Sure there is." He grinned at us. "Keep it up and tell me about it afterwards." Alice and I both yelled his name and then I laughed as Alice ran up behind him and jumped on his back. Only then did I remember Bella was watching everything from the sidelines.

I took a deep beath and turned to greet her with a smile on my face. I walked over to stand by her. "Hey, Bella. Sorry you had to see and hear that."

"Yeah, did not need to hear about your sex life." Hut. Pain. Jealousy? Oh, this was not good at all. I had made her too dependent on me. But I couldn't abandon her now. "So, um, was this your first time or..."

This calls for a lie. Don't want her to think of me any differently. "Yeah. I'd been waiting until I knew she was the one I wanted to do it with."

"That's kind of sweet, I think."

"Yeah." I adjusted the strap on my backpack. So, um, you ever...you know...?"

"Oh, no. I've never even had a boyfriend before."

"Yeah, I still find that incredibly hard to believe."

"Jasper! Baby, I need to do something at lunch, so don't look for me, kay?" Alice informed me, dancing towards Bella and I. "I'll see you at home." She kissed me gently.

"Um, something to do?"

"Yup. I'm having a talk with Edward."

"Alice, I thought I told you to let it go."

"I know you did, but I just have to set my boundaries with him. Don't worry, I promise to go easy on him." For the first time, she looked over at Bella, acknowledging her presence.

"Hi, Bella! I didn't know you were there." She gave Bella a hug. "I've heard so much about you the past couple of weeks. You've really been a great influence of Jasper. He seems happier since he's met you." The bell rang and the three of us parted ways.

Wow. Can you say awkward? Bella was so confused and embarrassed back there. I almost felt bad or her. She was not used to getting so much attention like that; I'd bet you a million bucks my frightening wife took her aback a bit.

Well, I had until Biology to think about these events that took place this morning. Maybe I'd be lucky and not have to face Biology today. I could just skip. It's not like I haven't learned what Mr. Banner would be teaching us anyways...

Tempting. _Very_ appealing idea. But then again, running from my problems has always come easier. Not sure I'd like to run with that crowd of sorrows again. All that could lead to was the death and destruction of my soul. Nobody needed to see me like that again. Gasoline soaked, lighter in my hand...

Yeah. Let's not go there again. That's not some of my most pleasant memories in my life. But then again, none of it really has been that great. Bitch controlling me, training me in blood sports, making me vulnerable to every human in my path. Conquering Maria sounded very good to me, but it would be very wrong. So I live knowing she could come back for me.

But I shouldn't let that get to me. I had less important and life-threatening things to think about. Like what the heck I was going to say to poor Bella in Biology class later.

Shit! I needed to get a handle on my thoughts. You know things are bad when you think about a friend like her before your own wife of 50 years. It shouldn't be his way. Quick, Jasper, think of some _else_ essentially non-important you have to do today...

Ah, yes, write Alice a song. That was more like it. So just what exactly _should_ I write about? To sum it up in a four minute song (roughly speaking) serenade didn't seem like enough for someone like her. She deserved a hundred--no, a thousand--serenades and songs just for me to be able to tell her how I truly feel about her. She was perfect. And obviously I'm what she needs, cause she hasn't given up in me yet.

Spanish flew by--without anything exciting, I might add--while I thought about the song I was supposed to be writing. And creative writing didn't even give me a chance to think much about it. I was too busy conjuring up my favorite Shakespeare quote.

Mrs. Bennett, my teacher, called on me for this, so I had to leave my thinking habits behind. I stood in front of my class; made my voice loud enough for everyone to hear. "It's from Twelfth Night. Olivia is telling Cesario, who is really Viola, in disguise, that she loves him."

I cleared my throat and started. "O, what a deal of scorn looks beautiful in the contempt and anger of his lip! A murderous guilt shows not itself more soon than love that would seem hid. Love's night is noon. Cesario, by the roses of the spring, by maidenhood, honor, truth, and everything, I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride, nor wit nor reason can my passion hide. Do not extort thy reasons from this clause, for that I woo, though therefor hast no cause; but rather reason thus with reason fetter: love sought is good, but given unsought is better."

"Excellent portrayal, Mr. Hale. I'm glad to know you fully understand the text."

Oh, lady, you have _no_ idea! You see, I didn't realize that until I spoke the words how true they really were. I actually kind of hated Olivia for falling for Cesario whom she had barely even met. And as I ran over the text, it seemed me and Olivia had more in common than a Duke of Orsino being in love with us. We understood the obsession of unrequited love. We felt how it appealed to the senses. How going after something you know you won't catch is invigorating, exhilarating, insert any other adjective...

Well, with that being said, I was off to more quadratic equations and a new chance to think about Alice's song. I wanted to write something that mean something. I wanted it to make a difference in her life. I wanted to look back a century from now and have her still talking about the day I wrote it. I wanted her to feel special; like she was the only woman in my life, that there was absolutely no competition when it came to that boxing ring.

My cell vibrated in my pocket and I took it out--the message was from Alice. 'blood typing in bio. skip next period.' it read. Thank you Alice! Always playing the hero, never the damsel in distress. But I sucked as a superhero, anyways. Tortured artists didn't go around saving people; they usually started the catastrophe.

Anyways, back to Alice's song. I stole a sheet of paper from my notebook and began mapping out good times with her. 'This morning' I wrote. Was there anything inspiring to write about from this morning? Hmm...I'd have to think about that when I leave.

Instead of blood typing, I'd be guitar picking. I'd run home, get my acoustic, and go to my favorite meadow. It was my favorite place in the world. One of the only places I feel like I can be my true self and not hide form my mistakes. It was my home away from home, if you will.

As if signaling my journey, the pile of students shuffled out the door and I raced home and over to my sanctuary. I broke out my Epiphone once I ot to the meadow and began strumming aimlessly.

The scenery was beautiful out here. I was trying to remember back to the first time I brought Alice out here. It had taken her breath away. I'd held her in my arms and talked about everything with her until nightfall. And then we made love under the stars. I recall looking up in the sky and thinking how I could ever put into words just how much she meant to me.

Maybe that was my incentive. Looking back to that day helped me know exactly what I was going to write for her! Now, usually, I wrote the melody out first, but today I scrambled to write down the words. It took maybe 20 minutes to write it all down, rearrange and edit a few words; give the masterpiece a title.

The chords were a bit harder to come across. Once I got the tune of the lyrics going, it sort of flowed. With a few minor adjustments, I think it was going to be perfect. I ran through it one more time, and then I sped back to the house.

It was getting dark out, and Carlisle would be home soon. I wanted to present my gift before the wolves descended upon the happy couple.

When I entered, Alice was sitting at the foot of the stairs, eyes blank. Another vision. Well, I wouldn't interrupt. But her eyes changed and she caught sight of me, her face lifting into excitement.

"Jasper! Where were you?"

"The meadow, writing a song so my favorite girl couldn't hear it."

"Any luck with that?" I followed her up the stars and into the bedroom, closing the door behind us. She sat at the foot of the bed while I sat my guitar case in the middle, and took my acoustic out. I sat beside her.

"Extremely good luck. I thought back to the first time I brought you out there, and it gave me hope. And a lot of inspiration for your song. Personally, I don't think it does you justice, but..."

She giggled softly. "I'm sure it's perfect, Jazz. So let's hear it."

I messed around with a couple strings, getting the tuning just right. Then I took a deep breath, and began basking on my one-way road into the past. The music brought back memories with her--all the nights we'd spent entgled together, all the moments of sheer bliss held in our non-beating hearts. I can't imagine being happy with anyone but her. Then I sang out the lyrics along with the music.

"And the headlights on the highway cannot help me understand. Whatever it is you need, I pray I am.

"You were nothing but a smile, a nervous laughter. Spend the evenings in your dark blue cotton sheets. And I spent years it seems just wandering through the darkness. Then the answer came on that late summer breeze.

"And the headlights on the highway cannot help me understand. Whatever it is you need, I pray I am.

"With my fingertips, I trace on your bare skin all of the things I'd like to say but cannot speak. You mean everything. There're not quite words enough to tell you all the things that you've become for me.

"And the headlights on the highway cannot help me understand. Whatever it is you need, I pray I am.

"And I don't need no secrets; I give up on lies. If it's gonna rain I'd rather know then be caught lying.

"And the headlights on the highway cannot help me understand. Whatever it is you need, I pray I am. And the headlights on the highway cannot help me understand. Whatever it is you need, I pray I am."

I looked shyly at Alice, slack-jawed and in awe. She composed herself a little, but her shoulders shook a little. After a long moment, she finally spoke. "Jasper...if I could produce tears, I'd be on the floor bawling by now. It was beautiful. Perfect. Everything to me. Even more amazing than I ever dreamed possible."

She wiped away imaginary tears. "Honey, I'm always gonna be there for you. You don't need to wonder if you're ever good enough for me." She brought her hand to my ice cheek. "I love you, Jasper Whitlock Hale. And I don't love you for the man you used to be, or the man I think you should be. I love you, all of you, the one I'm holding here in my hands right now. He's all I've ever wanted. And he's a great catch, that one. I heard he brings girls to their knees with swooning love songs."

I laughed. "You're pretty great yourself, Mary Alice Brandon Cullen Hale, whatever your name is." I smiled crookedly before looking into her lovely butterscotch eyes.

And then my lips were descending down on hers. I abused then with an eagerness and strange surge of emotion I hadn't felt in a very long time. It was like I physically couldn't live without this woman's touch. Without her smell. Her eyes, her smile, her laugh, the way she danced around, the way she made me feel good about myself...that girl was one of a kind, and she was all mine.

Strange to believe. But even the greatest things come from the worst situations. All these years I've resented Maria, Nettie, and Lucy. I've regretted being a vampire my whole existence. I was so adamant that everything horrible in my life had resulted from it. But today, I realized something. If I'd never been changed, I would have never met the love of my life.

She was the pill that chased away all pain, the antidote or cure for some uncontrollable disease. She was all I ever needed in this life. And somehow, some way, I didn't want to think about Bella anymore. I didn't want to wonder what my life could be like if I choose to love her. All I wanted was Alice. She was the only thing I could see, or think, or feel, or smell, or taste...

My lips eventually found my way to the hollow of her throat, and I took the liberty of sucking and biting, while she let out a soft sigh of pleasure. Then I reached to her waist to unzip the dress she was wearing; pulled it own, discarded it in a heap on the plush caramel carpet.

I planted trails of kisses down her neck, chest, valley between her breasts, down her navel, til I got to her belly button. She shuddered underneath me, and I knew it had been a long time since we'd done something like this before.

At the beginning that's all it had been. Great moments like this that left both of us trembling and gasping for air, screaming each other's names loudly. Then it all kind of faded away, and the sex didn't have the same meaning anymore, didn't hold the same magic as it used to.

But tonight that would change. We'd gone back to the basics of our relationship, and with that came the added pleasure of our heightened emotion and sexual relations.

Our door burst open then, and there stood Emmett, an amused expression playing colorfully on his face. Then his booming laugh made its echo throughout the Cullen mansion. "Oh, man! I was coming here to tell you Carlisle was home. But please, don't let me bother you two getting some. Bout time you guys started scoring again. Catch up with you later."

And then he was gone as soon as he came in, door shut and all. But you could still hear him explaining to our parents that we were too busy doing the nasty to do a greet and meet." Hmm...I'd have to kick some sense into my older brother.

Alice's breath was on my ear, and she was biting my earlobe. "Jasper..." she whispered, thick with emotion and love. "I want you, inside of me. This time, please don't hold back. I love you too much. Give me all you got."

I grinned at the dirty little girl and thrust myself inside her with all the power I could manage. I moved back and forth inside forcefully, gaining confident at her desirable moans and loud pleas. Her nails dug into my back, but I was only vaguely aware of that. Obviously, because I couldn't feel the pain in that action.

If life sucked after this, then so help me, just freeze time. I don't think there was any way I'd rather spend my day than inside of the woman I loved. There's no one I'd rather share this experience with. The only one I'd ever give myself to; all of myself. I'd never forget this moment, or the many other times I've been tangled up in these sheets with her. But somehow, somewhere, things took a turn, and happiness had a whole new meaning for me. And it sure as hell included the love of my life.


	4. DismantleRepair

disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. it's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is . by Anberlin. totally not mine!

Hmm...it's the weekend. Time to forget all my troubles of the previous classes at school. Time to regret and dwell on some of the things I've said and done the past couple of months. I've said a few things that have been questionable; put me on Bella's radar.

She's looked at me a little differently the past couple weeks. It's like she knows I have a secret, but it's something I don't feel comfortable sharing. I feel so at ease around her that I've let a few things slip. Not enough for her to make sense of it, thank god, but enough to bring a shroud of suspicion.

And this weekend I had to run away from all though of her. My eyes were turning obsidian with thirst and it was getting harder and harder to resist Bella's blood. So I'm glad it was Saturday, so I coud hunt and try not to remember her doubtful face.

But on the subject of secrets, she better not learn of it this weekend. According her and her friends, since the weather was reasonably clear and warm, they were taking a trip to La Push's beach to hang out. It scared me that she was going to the reservation with the chance she could run into those losers.

Fucking werewolves. They were unscrupulous. Wouldn't surprise me if they ratted us out, violated our stupid treaty they came up with. The wolves couldn't be trusted to respect our privacy or to protect Bella and her friends. I hated her hanging around them. But if I had said anything to her about it, she'd probably demand an explanaion to why. And I really didn't feel like coming up with another lie I couldn't maintain.

But I had to hunt today, and that meant I didn't have any room to think about her. I had to stay sane and in control. I had to not imagine myself sucking her blood.

I shuddered at the thought. Emmett and I ran through fields and forests to get towards our final destination. When we approached it, we sniffed out our prey. Goat Rocks. For Emmett, of course. He like the bears. I preferred something a little more human, but I guessed the mountain lions weren't _that_ bad. Edward's favorite, of course.

I scoped out the lion near the edge of the forest, and swiftly went after it. Scared the thing halfway to hell. I got on its back, forcefully snapping its neck, found its jugular. I sank my teeth into the raw flesh and sucked. The blood was good; warm as it trickled down my throat and into my stomach. I kept draining the poor animal, til at last his blood was of no abundance.

I licked the remaining blood from my lips and then discarded the carcass, sensing another lion near by. Emmett was still tracking down his bear, so I decided to go for it. Better to be safe than sorry. It had been so long since I'd last fed, I was surprised I'd abstained from sinking my teeth into Bella's neck.

I'd managed to "eat" the animal half-way through before I began to feel sloshy with the iron-rich liquid. Disgustedly, I jumped off of my prey and ran back to find Emmett, wherever he had sailed off to.

I found him finishing up his bear, and when he was done we sat down on the ground and began to talk. Well, he started talking and I tried to ignore him. That is, until he brought up Bella. Then I gave him my full attention.

"Dude, what's up with you two lately? I think you talk to her more than your own wife. Dude, you're not like, getting some on the side, are you?"

"Emmett! You know I would never do that to Alice. And things are so great in our relationship right now. I would never jeopardize something like that. Bella just understands me better than most people. I trust her with almost everything."

"_Almost_ everything? Dude, she's a human! She wasn't made to interact with this world. How can you trust her?"

"She's not like the rest of them. She functions on a different level than the world. She was born in another time; it's plain to see if you give her a chance She was made for our world. Maybe that's why I loosen up my boundaries and walls when I'm around her."

"But you haven't told her your secret, though, right? And please don't tell me you've used your feeling thing out on her."

"Not yet." He stared incredulously.

"_Yet?_ Jasper, what are you thinking?! How can you--"

"I know, I know, chill out, Em. I know the risks, and I've been thinking about it lately. I'd never inadvertently break the rule and tell her, and I'm hoping I won't have to make her guess. I've been dropping hints accidentally and I can tell it's making her suspicious. And she's probably on her way to La Push right now to hang out with hose impeccable wolves. Maybe one of them will drop the ball and give the secret up."

"Oh, I forgot about them. Chances are if she asks around, they'll be glad to tell her the truth. But Jasper, do you really think revealing yourself is appropriate? You could either one; have her freak out, lose your friendship and have her betray us all, or two; have her join the family where you can see her everyday and fall in love with her."

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" I choked out. "You, Alice, Rosalie, Edward!" I threw my hands up in exasperation. "I will _not_ fall in love with her. _Will not._ I have better self-control than that, I do. And maybe it's about time you guys start giving me credit for all the sacrifices I've made and things I've put up with. Maye I'll just leave the coven. Not like you all even liked me that much in the first place."

Disbelief. Shock. Fear. "See, it was all just a convenience. Don't you get it? Alice wanted to be here, and I would go to the edge of the earth for her, so I stayed to make her happy. I come with no strings attached to you or your family. I was trained to kill or be killed, and I live by that rule. If you are _so_ worried, then I'll walk away and never look back. You won't have to see me ever again."

Hurt. Pain. Embarrassment. Desperation. I shook my head, seething with anger, hot, metal mouth. "Don't. Don't you dare sit there and feel sorry for me. I don't deserve it. And I sure as hell don't need your approval, big brother." I was trembling with fury by this point; practically spitting venom out in the heat of the moment. But I didn't care.

"You all knew how I felt. That I was the pitiful monster to be ashamed of. The utter embarrassment of the family. The shame. And I don't want to be the weakest link anymore." I got up and looked back at an utterly speechless Emmett.

"See you at school, I guess." And I spun away. Oh, how things can change from pleasant to rabid in the span of a second. I hated them so much sometimes it was insane. They think just because I didn't kill more than one human a month I deserve praise. "Progress" is not fully killing a human, just left him or her weak and feeble, on the brink of death.

The ticking of the clock in my room was the ticking of the time bomb of my explosion as I gathered all my things. I packed them up in a duffel bag I had been saving, still shaking with an uncontrollable vigor. I was getting ready to burst.

I just kept shoving things into the bag I'd packed; opening drawers, emptying them, packing it away, slamming the drawers shut. I didn't even bother to look at who had entered the room, I just kept putting things into the duffel bag.

"Jasper?" I froze and tensed at Alice's heartbroken voice. Slowly, very slowly, I turned around to greet her broken expression. Immediately my heart shattered. "What are you doing?"

I perused her eyes, then sighed. "I don't belong here. I'm leaving." I turned my back to her again.

"But I thought you liked it here."

"I only stayed here because I knew you believed in them.' She thought about that for a moment.

Then, ever so quietly, she responded. "But we love you. You're our family now."

"No. You love me, but they don't. They're just being nice because they feel bad an because I'm married to you. Face it, I'm not the same as the rest of the family."

"Is that what you think?" She paced towards me. "Jasper--" She placed a hand on my shoulder.

I forcefully shoved her off. "DON'T--" I yelled, but softened as I saw her flinch away, cower in fear--"touch me," I finished with a sigh. "Look, I can't stay here Alice, so I'm leaving."

She looked at me with wide eyes, trembling lips, fear and horror spinning in her gondenrod eyes. She was frightened of me. "Okay," she whispered. "Okay," she said again, with more control over her voice. "I'll go with you."

She opened the closet door, handled all her clothes in her hands and placed them on the bed, I stood, dumbstruck, too stupid to snap out of it; an ice sculpture frozen in the moment. She opened another duffel bag and shoved her clothes in, hanger and all.

And then I melted from my statuesque pose and ran into action. "Alice. Are you _sure_ this is what you want? Positive?"

"Yes. Of course. Anywhere you go, I go right?" I took a deep breath as her eyes glazed over. A vision.

"Yeah. If that's what you want, though. Otherwise, I'll be seeing you around."

She put her things down, ran her fingers through her short, spiky hair. "You know, I think that's for the best. I wouldn't know what to do if I saw you having another breakdown. I think I'll stay here, so we can take this whole thing slow. I guess I'll just...see you around."

I nodded. "I expected as much from you. See you at school Monday. And I'm really sorry, Alice, it's just something I have to do."

"I know. Go, Jasper." I ducked out the window and just ran. As fast and as far as I could. I couldn't stop; didn't want to. Didn't have the will to. But eventually I felt a buzz in my pocket and I stopped to turn my phone off. But opened it when it read the name 'Bella' on my caller I.D.

"Hello?" I sounded a little out of breath.

"Jasper!" She sighed in relief. "I was so worried. I've been calling you every 15 minutes for the past two hours. Where are you? Alice and Edward are terribly upset."

I looked around, surprised to find myself in the meadow. "Not far. But please don't talk to my family about me. I'll be fine. You know, you shouldn't be talking to me. I'm not the person you thought I was. I'm much, much worse."

"I know." She sighed. "I swore to myself I wasn't going to say anything to you, that I was going to wait until you bestowed enough confidence in me. But I think we need to talk. You know where my house is, right?"

I gulped down my fear. Tell her everything, Jasper. No lies. "Yeah. I'll be there in a few."

"Good. Look, I don't want any promises from you, but I would like your undivided honesty. So, no more lies, okay?"

That's to be expected. And I was going to commit. "I can do that." Human pace or vampire pace? I chewed on that debacle, then decided. Vampire pace would be funner.

It took all of ten minutes to get to her house. And there she was, standing on the front porch waiting for me. Once she noticed I was there, she got up to greet me. "My dad won't be home til midnight, so you can come in if you want."

"Thank you." I could see Bella's breath and knew she had to be cold, so I entered the warm house after her and climbed the stairs up to her bedroom. She sat awkwardly on her bed and looked up at me.

"Um, okay, well, can I do all the talking for a little while? I think I need to get it all out of my system. You might wanna sit down for it."

"No, go ahead. Amuse me." I sat on the bed next to her, looked into her warm chocolate eyes.

"Okay. So, a couple weeks ago was my first time in La Push since I was little. So when I went, I kind of latched onto the natives to show me around. Lauren said your name, trying to provoke me about the fact I invited you and you declined. Well, one of the guys, Sam, said you guys didn't come down here, Only by the way he said it, it sounded like he meant something more.

"So, since I was hanging out with Jacob Black alone, I went on a walk with him along the beach, and I asked him what Sam meant by that. And he told me you guys had been banned from the reservation. He got into the old Quileute legends and stories then.

"He said something about his Indian tribe descending from wolves; werewolves as we'd call them today. And his great-grandfather, Ephraim Black, had a run-in with a few of the 'cold ones' back in the day. They were all ready to obliterate these things, but they said they were different. They hunted animals instead of the usual steady diet of human. So they made a treaty that they'd live peacably with a few exceptions.

"They set boundaries neither party was allowed to cross. No hunting on or near the reservation. And also, the pale faces couldn't bite a human, or the treaty was corrupt."

She looked at me for a long time, and then spoke again. "When I asked Jacob who the cold ones were, he told me they were what I would call vampires. And he said the same ones he encountered in making the treaty were your family, the Cullens. Jasper, I want to know if any of this is true. And don't lie to me. I don't want you to keep secrets from me."

"I wasn't there for the whole treaty making thing, so I don't know if it's true. But that's the same story Carlisle told me, so I assume it's not a lie. He wouldn't make something like that up."

She sat up, got closer towards my face, grasped my neck with one of her hands. "So is it true? Are you and your family...vampires?"

Once again I looked into her eyes, trying to find a miscalculation, find a beat of false reassurance in her voice. When I couldn't find any, I answered her question simply. "Yes."

She sucked in a breath. "I guess I sort of suspected you were something more than just a mere mortal." I looked at my hands.

"I wasn't trying to hide that fact from you anymore."

"I noticed. You kept saying the most abnormal things. Maybe it was your subconscious giving you what it wanted. But it doesn't matter anyways. You'll always be Jasper Hale to me, mortal or immortal. You _are_ immortal, aren't you?"

"Yes. With the exception of the one way we can die. But essentially, we live forever since our hearts aren't beating."

"Well, if you're a vampire, then how do you blend in so well with the human life? Aren't you supposed to sleep in a coffin and come out at night because the sun will incinerate you?"

"Uh, no, most of that stuff is myths. I don't own a coffin, let alone sleep at all. And the sun doesn't burn me, but it does have an effect on my skin."

"I take it that effect isn't giving you a tan, is it?" I chuckled.

"No, it's not. My skin sparkles if I get directly in the sunlight. It's like a thousand diamond facets reflecting off of me. Beautiful, I'd guess."

"I'd like to see that sometime." She hesitated. "Jasper? Is it true that you and your family hunt animals instead of people?" Hmm...how could I explain this to her without her freaking out and run away screaming? Or better yet, kicking me out of her house and telling me she never wanted to speak to me again? Eh, I'd chance my luck.

"Yeah, that's true. But sometimes we slip up. Or, rather, I slip up. Everyone else is pretty good at the vegetarian way of life." I looked at her face and explained. "It's like eating tofu instead of meat; it's good, but it's not the best." She nodded.

"Anyways, I'm the newest member of the family, so it's harder for me to resist human blood, because of my past. It wasn't Carlisle who changed me long ago. It was a woman named Maria. And she trained me in blood sports. I fought with other vampires. If I killed them, I'd be rewarded with a human to keep my strength up and satiate my thirst. I hadn't known there was any other way of living.

"Yeah, so basically, I grew accustomed to eating humans and it's kind of hard for me to change my habits. But I'm working on it. So, I'm not going to like, eat you or anything. Your blood doesn't appeal to me that way anymore."

"But it did, didn't it? Is that why you were so aloof that first day I met you? Because you wanted to kill me, right?"

"Yeah. But I overcame it. You should be safe."

"Good. Because I don't want to die." She stifled a yawn.

"Bella, it's getting late. We should talk about this in the morning."

"Okay." I got up to leave, but she caught my hand. "Wait, Jasper, you don't have anywhere to stay. I was kind of hoping you'd live here for as long as you wanted." I laughed at the thought. Then decided it wasn't so bad.

"Alright. But I assume I should stay hidden from Charlie?" She flushed crimson, then nodded, sinking back into her sheets and snuggling into them, closing her eyes.

I broke my guitar out and started chasing after a new tune. I wrote down lyrics as they came into my mind. After a while, Bella, with small coherency from sleep deprivation, murmured to me. "That's pretty. Can you sing me something you wrote?"

"Sure. I'd be happy to." And here's a song just for you, my love.

"You know, Jasper, now that I know your secret, things are gonna change between us. For the better I hope."

A lightbulb flickered on in my cerebrum. Lyrics shaped themselves. I broke into my tune again, put the lyrics along with it. I was a bit embarrased about my voice, but I assumed she wasn't much better herself, so I didn't feel so bad about it. Plus, she was half asleep.

"One last glance form the taxi cab; images scar my mnd. Four weeks felt like years since your full attention was all mine. The night was young and so are we. Talked about life, God, death and your family. Did not want any promises, just my undivided honesty, and you said, 'Oh, things are gonna change now for the better. Oh, things are gonna change, oh they're gonna change.'" She smirked at the words.

"I am the patron saint of lost causes; a fraction of who I once believed (change). Only a matter of time. Opinions I would try and rewrite Iif life had background music playing your song. I've got to be honest, I tried to escape you, but the orchestra plays on, and they sang, 'Oh, things are gonna change now for the better. And oh, things are gonna change.'

"Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you. Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through.

Dismantle me down (repair). You dismantle me. You dismantle me. Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you. Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through. Dismantle me down (repair). You dismantle me. You dismantle me.

"Give me time to prove, prove I want the rest of yours (prelude). Call this a prelude to a lifetime of you. It's not that I hang on every word, I hang myself on what you repeat. It's not that I keep hanging on; I'm never letting go.

"Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you. Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through. Dismantle me down (repair). You dismantle me. You dismantle me. Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you. Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through. Dismantle me down (repair). You dismantle me. You dismantle me.

"Save me from myself. Save me from myself. Help me save me from myself. Save me from myself. Oh, things are gonna change now for the better. And oh, things are gonna change.

"Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you. Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through. Dismantle me down (repair). You dismantle me. You dismantle me. Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you. Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through. Dismantle me down (repair). You dismantle me. You dismantle me. Hands, like secrets, are the hardest thing to keep from you. Lines and phrases, like knives, your words can cut me through. Dismantle me down (repair). You dismantle me. You dismantle me."

I finished, set my Epiphone back in its case, and looked over at Bella. She was breathing pretty evenly. I could have sworn she was asleep, but she called me out. "That was beautiful, Jasper. I liked it a lot. Just a question, but did you write that about me?"

"Yes, I did. I'm glad you liked it."

"Thank you for writing it."

"It was my pleasure." We lapsed into silence. But then again, maybe after five minutes, she opened her eyes and looked up at me.

"Jasper, you've been around a long time, right?"

"Since the 1800s," I confirmed.

"Wow. You're older than I expected. Well, since you've been around longer than I, I was wondering if you and Alice had really only been going out a year, or is it longer than that?"

I paused before answering her question. I think she saw the caution in my eyes, but I spoke before she could get a word in edgewise. "I promised I'd be honest with you, so I will be. Honey, me and Alice aren't going out. We're married. We've been married for 50 years."

"Married," she said with astonishment. And disappointment. "Oh. Guess you're more committed than I thought."

"Actually, not really. I asked her if she wanted to come with me, and at first she agreed, but when I asked her if she was sure, she told me it would be better to bring some distance between us. I don't know what we are anymore. All there is is awkwardness right now."

She scooted closer to me. I don't know why; I was stone cold and it was a freezing night. Did she _want_ frostbite? "Then would it be wrong for me to want to kiss you?"

"Yes," I responded a little too quickly. She recoiled like I had slapped her. "Bella, I didn't mean it like that. I don't think it would be wrong for the Alice reason. But I can't gauge my self-control. I've never kissed another human before, I don't know how I'd react. I don't want to hurt you."

She moved closer to me again, put her hand on my neck again. "I know you won't hurt me, Jasper. I trust you. I have faith in you." I hesitated, and then gave in.

I bent my head down to her level, brushed my lips softly against hers. Once, twice, thrice. Then, ever so slowly, I deepened the kiss, wrapping my arms around her, wrapping her legs around my torso. I heard her moan into the kiss and brought my hands up to caress her hair.

Then I felt her tongue trace my lip and I pulled back from her. Her eyes opened. "Let's not push it any further, okay?" She nodded understandably and very pleasantly, and then snuggled into me. I held her as the darkness descended upon her and sleep enveloped her with dreamless kisses.


	5. Something I've Rehearsed

disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. it's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Dead and Divine. totally not mine!

Bella had been asleep for a long time. I contemplated a few times to wake her up, but decided against it. She needed her rest. I knew how her nightmares compromised her well-being. She was always tired and worried. And I feared a bit depressed.

She'd told me about her nightmares about a week ago. She mentioned what they were like. Her, in a forest alone, searching, wondering around for something she couldn't remember. And then she realized she wasn't searching for anything, because there as nothing to look for. It always ended with a bloodcurdling scream.

I didn't deny her word then, and I'd be crazy if I thought she was lying now, after I've seen this terror in action. She started panicking, hyperventilating in her sleep. I had to soother her with my special gift before I could hear her scream. It killed me.

What she had failed to mention, though, is that she talked in her sleep. A lot. About everything. Some of the things she said made me laugh, others made me want to run out the door and never look back. But I knew this had been coming, I just couldn't fathom how calmly I'd react to it.

Bella groaned in my chet and she turned over, her arms disentangling themselves from around me. Groggily, she opened her eyes, and looked over at me with a confused expression. "Hey. I was certain you'd have left after what happened last night."

I stroked her cheek with my thumb. "Yet here I stay." I smiled slightly. "Good morning, sleepy head." I bent down to gently place my lips against hers, breaking it apart after a moment o Alice's voice over anr two.

"Is Charlie still here or did he go fishing?" She asked me, yawning and then stretching.

"It's been about an hour since he left. The house is ours." She grinned at the words.

"Well, since it's Sunday and no school, what do we have planned on the agenda?" She got up, opened her door, led me down the stairs to the kitchen. And then my phone buzzed. I had a few messages from Alice I needed to tend to. Now seemed like a good time.

"Can you hold that thought for a moment?" I flipped open my cell phone and she opened a cabinet and got out a bowl, then poured cereal and milk in with it. I called my voicemail to the latest message.

"Jasper," Alice's voice over announced, "it's me again. Look, uh, I have somehing very important to talk to you about regarding our relationship status. It, well, I think Bella should be there too. If it's not too much for you to ask, can you all come over later? Emmett's spying on you, by the way, Call back, okay?"

I growled and snapped the phone shut, almost crushing it. "Emmett!" I yelled. "Get out here now and come talk to me."

He embarrassingly came through the side door, a somber look on his face. It was very rare to see my brother without a smile. But after what I had told him yesterday at Goat Rocks, I wasn't surprised if he was still upset with me. "Dude, what the hell are you doing to yourself? Come back home, bro. I made a bet with Edward, so I have to win."

"Is that why you're spying on me? To tell me to come home? Or is it because you don't trust me around Bella? You're afraid that if I catch her alone I'm gonna kill her??"

Shock. But innocence. So that wasn't his intention. "Actually, Esme sent me to see if you were alright. She's worried about you, Jazz. She wants you home. She misses you so much."

Now I kind of felt really bad, because I knew how Carlisle and Esme felt about me, and their unwavering faith. "I'm sorry I have to hurt her this way. But I think it's best. I can't stay in a house with siblings who doubt me constantly. I could feel I was ready to break, and I don't think you all want to see a repeat of me trying to kill myself."

"Jasper, no one doubts you. Okay, well, maybe Rosalie does, but that's because of her personal vendetta. It's got nothing to do with you. But Edward and I believe in you, dude. We love you."

"You might, but I don' think Edward does. He encourages a relationship with Bella because he's in love with Alice. Don't tell me it's a lie that he wants me ot of the way.

Uncomfortable. "Well, I'm not denying that. But I do know that he was pretty livid when he heard what you told me when we were hunting. He doesn't want you to feel that way about yourself."

"I'm not going to kill Bella. And I don't feel 'that way' about myself. I left because I was sick of being told I'm not good enough. And I wanted someone to have a little faith in myself, to encourage me and tell me I wouldn't kill anyone. Someone who would say it for the right reasons."

"I can understand that. But did you find what you were looking for?"

"Actually, I did." Emmett eyes Bella or the first time since he'd been there. If not for her singing blood, I'd have forgotten she was standing there. Her bowl of cereal was on the counter and she was staring at us with wide eyes.

"Jasper," Emmett said ominously, "Please tell me you did _not_ tell her!"

Bella spoke for the first time. "Actually, he didn't have to tell me anything, he just had to confirm what I already knew. Some of the people from the reservation told me. But please don't penalize them. I'm glad they told me. Things are better this way."

"Are they really?" Skepticism. "You'd think it's better now that you're helping contain such a powerful secret? One that you could slip out at any time and betray us with? Or are you referring to the fact you love my brother?"

"Both," she counteracted. "I don't like double standards. I don't like lies, so I only lie for a good cause. And no one has ever put this much trust in me before. But I'm not about to let you or your family down, no matter what could happen. And if death comes with the territory, then so be it."

Emmett turned back to me. "Are you gonna call Alice back? It's really imperative she speaks to you. You need to see her. You and Bella both."

"You know what she needs to say to us, don't you?" Confirmation in his eyes. He nodded slightly. Then why don't you tell you just tell me so we can keep avoiding each other?"

He was quiet as he soaked this all in. Uncertainly oozed out of his open wounds. "I don't think it's my place to tell you. She needs closure. Go see her and talk to her. She's rather do it face to face."

I wondered what she needed to tell me. Naturally, I just assumed the worst. Possibly she saw a vision of mine and Bella's little making out session last night in her bed. Probably that I'd hurt her beyond belief. Probably she hated me more than she could say, and was seeking comfort in Edward.

Oh, Edward. This was his perfect chance to strike a match and light up my wife's world. This was the one time he could make a move on her and have her not pull back from him. She'd probably relish me moments she spent in his arms, forgetting all about me. Cause that's all people ever did--forget about me. I'm forgettable.

Still, I didn't want to face her, and the sting her words would surely bring. But it required Bella to tag along, and I think it ws all up to her. "Bella, would you be willing to go to a vampire's house and meet with his wife?"

"What does she want to talk to me for?"

"Probably to give you permission to go after me. Though I must warn you about some...extra abilities she has."

"Extra abilities? Like what?"

"She has visions of the future. She can only trace it as long as the person hasn't changed their mind. But if they do, her visions change."

"Whoah. Visions. Bet she saw me coming, didn't she?"

"Actually, I don't know if she did. And if she did, she didn't mention it to me. I figured you out on my own."

"Is she the only one with...special abilities in the family?"

"No, actually. Edward can read peoples minds--everyone but yours. And I can feel and control the emotions of the people in the same room as me."

"Of course you'd have a power. You've got a unique power. Somehow I always knew you were more talented than the rest."

Emmett made a gagging sound in the back of his throat. Revulsion. "You never answered his question about Alice."

Bella nervously ran her fingers through her thick mahogany hair. "Okay. Sure. Worth a shot, isn't it?" She heaved a sigh, took her hands out of her hair. "Well, I have officially lost my appetite now." She moved her hands to pick up the cereal bowl, but accidentally knocked it off the counter.

It clattered noisily to the ground and broke. "Shoot," she muttered, and bent down to pick up the largest pieces of broken ceramic. I had my phone in my hand to call Alice back, and I don't know what Emmett was doing. I wasn't paying attention to Bella at all.

Until I felt that horrible pull. And amazing smell filling my nostrils, mouth's venom watering. In a second, I realized Bella had cut herself on a piece of glass, and spilt blood.

My phone smashed to the ground as I dashed for the human, baring my teeth, getting ready to sink my teeth into her neck, drain her dry. Emmett reacted, screaming "NO!" and then flinging himself at me. His big muscles rippled with exertion as he restrained me from killing this girl.

I felt myself growling and trying to break free from Emmett's grasp. I focused my bloodthirsty eyes on my prey, her lips white eyes flung open in horror, unable to close them, escape this nightmare. Something about the look in her eyes caused me to relax a little, but then I saw the blood on her hand, and the frenzy began again.

"Jasper, it's Bella. You don't want to kill her," Emmett whispered in my ear, trying to persuade me. I tried not to listen to him still struggling against his iron clasp. "Think of the consequences afterward. You'll never forgive yourself if you hurt her this way. Walk away."

He was right. As usual, Emmett had revealed the truth to me. But I couldn't walk away. The scent was overpowering! I felt myself to limp in my brother's arms, and he forced me out of Bella's house and into the woods; far enough away to where I couldn't smell her blood anymore.

Oh, god. What did I just do? How could I be so stupid! All this time I thought I was over her smell, that I could stand being alone with her. Rosalie was right not to trust me. I shouldn't have let people have faith in me. I almost killed the girl, the one who'd just revealed she loved me while in a dreaming state. She _loved_ me, and how do I repay her? By trying to suck her blood!

This just goes to prove how pathetic I am. Pathetic, and useless, and monstrous, and despicable, and tainted, untrustworthy, fickle, derogatory, horrifying...whatever other dimuntitive form of a word you could think of, that was me. I couldn't believe I almost let myself eat her! I shouldn't have let myself get close to her. She shouldn't have trusted me to abstain from her blood. But what happened, happened. And I couldn't change that fact now.

She had loved me. And what does she think now? Probably frightened. Absurdly scared of me. Never wanted to see me again. Probably would tremble in fear if she did. Probably would flinch if someone touched her.

I imagined her paling at virtually nothing, being haunted by me, playing her almost death over and over again. She'd fear me. She couldn't feel love for me anymore. Well, I deserved it. I know I did. I'd almost taken her life. If I knew I had it coming, why did it hurt so? Why should I care she'd hate me, if it's exactly the most rational and plausible response?

Guttural ripping sounds came out of me. It'd be best if this world hadn't ever seen me. All I'd done is cause shame to all mankind. I'm sure if I searched around a bit, someone had a gasoline can lying around somewhere. And I could always steal a lighter from the gas station. Sounded like a good plan to me.

I forced myself off my knees with loud sobs and ran as fast as I could to seek out the tools I needed for suicide. This version was eaier than going to the Volturi and asking for my escape. This version allowed me to protect Bella's innocence.

Suddenly, Edward was in front of me, holding onto my arms so I didn't move anywhere. No! Why was he stopping me? I had to be taken out of this world. It was the only way to ensure Bella's safety. She deserved to lead a life without me in it.

"Jasper," Edward's sharp voice choked off my thoughts, "Shut the hell up!" I brought my eyes frantically to his face. "Just shut up. No one's blaming you. You may think you need to be scolded, but you don't. It's not your fault. If I'd been in your position, it would be just as hard for me to walk away from the blood too."

I didn't want to listen to this, but he continued nevertheless. "You don't realize at all what your death would do, do you? Have you never seen the movie It's A Wonderful Life? If you kill yourself, Alice will be devastated. Esme would be hurt. We'd all be grieving--even Rosalie. And Bella..." I growled at him. Bastard! She hated me! Fuck you for mentioning her!

But Edward remained calm. "She doesn't hate you. Once Alice saw what happened, I rushed over there. She was crying and trembling in shock, but she sent me off with a message to you. She said, 'It's not his fault. You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him, not at all, won't you?'"

Liar! She'd never say that about me. She probably said the complete opposite. Edward sighed in frustration. "Would you stop being so pessimistic? Jasper, she loves you, and she knows you didn't intentionally try to hurt her. No ones put you on trial, Jasper. We all understand. The only one against you is yourself."

What was he saying? That I was my own worst enemy? "Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying, Jasper. So stop denying anything I'm saying. Accept her apology. But first, you have to forgive yourself, or you won't be able to move on."

I swallowed. I couldn't speak. _I almost killed her. How do you forgive yourself for that?_

"Come home and I'll talk it over with you, okay?" I flinched away.

_No! I can't go back to that place! Not now. I--I can't see their faces and not feel ashamed of myself._

"I know exactly how you feel, Jasper, I do. Ten years after Carlisle changed me, I left and rebelled against him. I killed my fair share of humans while I rebelled. I was in a terribly dark place. It took everything I had to go back to Carlisle and Esme and beg for their forgiveness. They were just so relieved to see me back, though, and I found they'd never blamed me to begin with.

"Jasper, we want you back. Even if only for a little bit. Just let us explain some things. Then go to Bella and seek her approval. I know she's dying to see you again. She really wants you to know that things are going to be okay."

_I can't see Bella tonight, Edward. I don't think that would be very wise of me, after I almost killed her. No. I'll wait til school tomorrow. If she really misses me and is worried, she'll confront me._

He nodded somberly. "Okay. Well come home with me then. We'll sort this all out."

I shook my head. _I need some time to clear my head. Tomorrow after school we'll talk about it. _He was about to protest. _Edward, don't worry about me. I won't do anything stupid. I just...need to write it all out. Would you mind getting my guitar and notebook from Bella's room and then bringing it to the meadow?_

"No problem. See you in a few." In a flash he was gone and I was running to my calming spot. It's the place I went to when everything went awry. It calmed me. Strangely enough, it held power over me. It's beauty was succumbing. Just like hers...but never again.

Edward told me to let my pessimism go, but that's all I wanted to feel. I wanted to think things wouldn't work out for us. I wanted to believe all was lost and couldn't be ever again. That's the way it should be. But I got everything I wanted and more. I got the unexpected. It was hardly fair.

Edward came with my guitar then, and shook his head at my thoughts. But he dropped the case at my feet and plopped the notebook and a pen down on top of it, then gave me my space.

Hastily I opened the case, but carefully pluched out a sad tune. Wouldn't do much good if I killed the strings just yet. I scratched out unreadable lyrics on the sheet of paper, scattering ink blots on the page at pressure points. I spread undried ink across the page with the palm of my hand, obscuring the words.

I tore the piece of paper and scattered it across the field. I started over. Carefully, slowly, this time, so not to ruin the paper again. I was low on pages, and I didn't feel like wasting anymore trees.

And then my masterpiece was complete. I wailed it out, in obvious pan. The words didn't mask that. I couldn't conceal it in the tone of my voice. It was unavoidable.

"I'll be honest. My patience has come and gone. I messed up real bad this time. So I'll apologize for my poor appearance, and ever awful pronunciation. I'm shot, full of hope and I'm slightly intoxicated.

"Yet I'm searching for something more. And I long for so much more.

"It's the disappointment that's far too much to cope with when everything is a fabrication. Our lives, and our hopes, our dreams, our love was all exaggerated.

"Yet I'm searching for something more. And how I've longed for a little bit more.

"Here I am to admit defeat, I've never been one to beg pardon, but yet I'm on my knees. I've tried my best to smile, but it's hard when you look up at the stars and ask the sky when they're coming back."

I don't think some of this song really applied to me. I went through each line again. But, not everything had to be about me. Maybe I was just writing from a broken man's perspective, one who'd probably cheated on his girlfriend and regretted it. He'd probably hurt her pretty badly, and drank himself to try and forget how much of an ass he was. But nothing worked. So, vulnerable, he knocked on her door, begged at her feet for forgiveness and another chance, and she'd refused it. He went on, pretending everything was fine, but he was horribly depressed.

Yes. That must have been what I wrote about. Because alcohol couldn't affect my body. Matter of fact, I couldn't even drink the stuff without beeing repulsed by it. Trying food had been disgusting, but the taste of whiskey had been absolutely revolting. I don't know why I even tried it.

So it was settled. This drunk guy was an allegory to me and my trying to kill Bella. And I wrote out my vision of what I thought I deserved. I played the confrontation in my head one last time.

_I knoced on her window, rather than her door. Confused, she opened it, shocked when she saw me. She let out a soft cry and backed away as I entered her room. She was trembling with fright._

_"Bella," I cooed, trying to calm her down a bit. "I'm so beyond sorry. Words cannot begin to describe my deep remorse for what happened earlier. I sincerely apologize."_

_Apologize for what? You're sorry you freaked out at the sight of my blood, or sorry you didn't get a chance to have a taste?"_

_I flinched. "I guess I deserved that. But, Bella, I'm sorry for my lack of self control. I wish I hadn't felt that way when I saw your blood."_

_"Jasper, you almost killed me. When you said you were dangerous and you thirsted for me, I thought you were exaggerating. But clearly, you weren't. So, apology not accepted."_

_"Bella," I pleased. "Hear me out. I didn't meant to hurt you. I--"_

_"I know you didn't _mean_ to," she cut in. "But the fact is, you did. Even if it wasn't your intention. You warned me, and I didn't take it seriously when I should have. Don't worry, I won't make that mistake again."_

_We sat in silence for a moment, then she started again. "I think I need to stay away from you for a while. It's just too dangerous to be close to you. So or now, I'm removing you from my life. Goodbye, Jasper."_

_And she turned her back from me._

The scene ended, and I let out a small sob. That's the way I knew it should be, but I couldn't bring myself to wish that would happen. Because I honestly wanted her forgiveness. And according to Edward, she'd already made up her mind.

What was it he said she'd told him? 'It's not his fault. I'm not mad at him, not at all.' I shuddered at the words. They were so haunting. Especially since she couldn't hold a grudge from me.

_'It's not his fault. I'm not mad at him, not at all.'_

She should run far away from me as possible. She would, if she knew what was best for her. When I spoke to her tomorrow, I'd make it blatantly clear the path she should follow. The path that steered her clear of me.

_'It's not his fault. I'm not mad at him, not at all.'_

I'd tell her, knowing ahead of tie which path she's already choose. She'd already chosen, there was no need to think it through. And I'd accept it grimly, but also with a little glee. Because she loved me, and was willing to risk he life to be near me. And, selfishly, it's exactly what I wanted from her.

'_It's not his fault.'_

But it was. It was all my fault, and there's no denying that now.

_'I'm not mad at him, not at all.'_

But she should. Why couldn't she hate me, when all I did was hate myself?


	6. Dawn of the Fall

disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. it's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Silverstein. totally not mine!

I stiffly arose from the ground and ran to the school. I had been dreading going there all night and morning, even though I knew it's what I had to do. I had to sit through classes, had to awkwardly talk out the events yesterday with Bella, had to go over to the Cullen house afterward to hear what Alice had to say to me.

Something she couldn't say over the phone. Something she wouldn't let Emmett say to me. She had to ell me face to face. I had a pretty good idea of what that "something" would be, and I didn't know if I was ready to hear it.

But besides my doubts, worries, and fears, here I was, in Forks High School's parking lot. There was only a matter of minutes til the bell rang, so I walked slowly as I could towards Mrs. Goff's class. At that moment, Bella decided to look up from the book she was reading.

She put it away in her bag and followed me. She moved swiftly, trying to catch up, trying to talk to me. But I wouldn't allow it. Not yet. I wasn't ready to be told I was good enough, and that she loved me. So, I quickened my pace and got lost in the tumult of people.

I just kept wondering, pondering throughout Spanish class, and then I didn't have time to once I had creative writing. The board told me to write down the name of my favorite poem, and be ready to recite and answer questions about it.

Well, that shouldn't be too hard. If I wanted something deep and spectacular, I could choose Emily Dickinson or John Donne. Or something light and airy, like E.E. Cummings or Shel Silverstein. Yes. Light was good. I've been carrying around too heavy a burden lately.

Speculating the poem to choose, with just the right amount of meaning, proved to be kind of hard. Mrs. Bennett called my name, and shell-shocked, I moved up to center stage and cleared my throat. "Um, I guess I'm gonna be doing a Shel Silverstein poem." E.E. Cummings didn't seem appropriate right now, given the situation. But _which_ Shel Silverstein poem? Ah, got it! "It's called Where The Sidewalk Ends." I sighed, then recited.

"There is a place where the sidewalk ends and before the street begins. And there the grass grows soft and white, and there the sun burns crimson bright, and there the moon-bird rests from his flight to cool in the peppermint wind.

"Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black and the dark street winds and bends. Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow. We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow, and watch where the chalk-white arrows go to the place where the sidewalk ends.

"Yes, we'll walk with a walk that is measured and slow, and we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go. For the children, they mark, and the children, they know the place where the sidewalk ends."

"Good, Mr. Hale. That's an astonishing poem. D you know the band name after Shel Silverstein?"

"Yes, ma'am. The band Silverstein. They including the poem at the end of the song Forever and a Day."

"Well, you've certainly down your research. You can go sit down now."

I sat, glad I appeased my teacher. But it didn't take much to please her. Just know what you're talking about, pay attention, and write as best you can. It's crazy not to make an A in her class. With the selected few who aren't even trying to pass the class.

A few minutes later I was scurrying off to math class. Something I hated, but had gotten good at in time. But those first few years back at school, I was horrible at it. Didn't understand a word my algebra teacher was saying. I struggled for a long time, but then finally got the hang of it.

Still, I didn't talk much in that class. Or pay attention, for that patter. So, I decided to get absorbed in the book I had brought for home; Impulse by Ellen Hopkins. I was lost in poetic passages about Conner's bitch of a mother, Tony's gayness, and Vanessa's disorder. And then Vanessa's poem for class struck me with a sharp pang in my chest.

'_Memory is a tenuous thing. . . .flickering glimpses, blue and white, like ancient, decomposing 16mm film. Happiness escapes me there, where faces are vague and yesterday seems to come tied up in ribbons of pain. Happiness? I look for it instead in today, where memory is something I can still touch, still rely on. I find it in the smiles of new friends, the hope blossoming inside. My happiest memories have no place in the past; they are those I have yet to create.'_

Hmm...that must mean I'm looking to start over--I assume that's why it spoke to me so. To quit thinking about the past, look inside of today for the things you need, live in the moment, don't let ghosts hang over your head. Or, as Esme puts it, don't let the battle scars define you. Though I think she meant that literally for me.

The second the hand hit 10:40, I snapped my book shut and briskly walked to Biology. Wonder why I was so eager to see Bella after I'd almost killed her. Geez, I hoped her hand was alright. Like, in a bandaid with antibiotics and stuff.

She came in the door, eyes searching for me. And then when they rested on me, she broke out into a wide grin. Ugh, I really didn't want to be reminded of my blunder. It made me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

She was in her seat just as Mr. Banner began his lecture. She set her things down, took out a ntoebook and pen, and scrawled a note to me. 'we need to talk.' I shook my head, then wrote back.

'There's nothing to talk about. I almost killed you, you forgave me. End of discussion.'

Her cheeks flushes. 'not about that. about the Alice stuff.'

Hmm. I'd almost forgotten about that little talk I was supposed to be having with her. 'At lunch, okay?" She nodded and closed the notebook.

For the next 45 minutes, I impatiently drummed my fingers on the table, waiting for lunch to come so I could speak to Bella semi-privately. The time seemed to drag on. 11:35 never seemed to come. Until finally, that hand moved and a burst of motion exploded and rippled throughout the classroom.

I waited for Bella to pack her stuff up, then walked slowly towards the crowded cafeteria. We enveloped ourselves in silence, just thinking as we sauntered along. I could tell by her very intense expression. If she thought any harder, she's give herself a hernea.

Anyways, we finally got into the doors and we went through the line to get food to eat. Her eyebrow raised when I grabbed a tray of pizza, and her lips twiched upwards, but she didn't comment. She just strolled on behind me, grabbing a bottle of orange juice.

No food today? It's not like she ate much to begin with. I remembered how haggard and painfully thin she'd looked that first day; the pale, translucence of her skin. Her pallor hadn't improved any, but it looked like she had gained a little bit of weight. She still looked like she could snap in two, but at least it was an improvement, right?

We went to a recluse spot in the cafeteria where a lone table stood and sat there. No one would bother us over here. Except perhaps, my family's constant probing eyes. But could you blame them?

Bella twisted the cap of her orange juice bottle, took a swig, and then put it down on the table, turning to face me. "Okay," I said. "What's this you want to know about Alice?"

She blushed, and I wondered what she was thinking about. "Well, um, Edward told me you didn't go home last night, so you didn't talk to Alice. I was just wondering if...you knew why she wanted me there? And when are we speaking to her?"

"I was planning on it today after school if that's alright with you?"

"That's fine. I didn't have any plans." She took another swig of orange juice. "But you didn't answer my first question." She started blushing again.

"I'm not quite positive what it's about. Why, what do you think she wants to talk to us about?" Her blush deepened. Bella, just spill it out before I have a heart attack! If such a thing like that was possible, of course.

She started to fidget nervously with her hands. I gently put mine over hers and the movement stopped. I tried to beckon the answer ou of her with smoldering buttery eyes, but I had no idea if it was working, or if I just looked stupid. But, nevertheless, she told me what she was thinking.

"I mean...well, do you think..." She sighed, then started over. "Are you all getting a divorce?"

I laughed a dry, humorless laugh. "I don't know. I suppose that's a strong possibility at this point. But what makes you come to that conclusion?"

Her cheeks were spayed with crimson again. "I don't know. Maybe she saw a vision of us. Or maybe Edward got to her."

"Or both," I commented, deep in thought. I broke from my reverie at the vibrating of a phone. "I don't know you had a cell."

"Oh, I don't. It's yours. You dropped it when you smelled my blood." Hmm. She said it so calmly, not even a hint of nervousness. I could feel a flutter of terror, and then it was gone.

I begun to grow embarrassed about my actions. "Yeah, Bella, I really am very truly sorry for trying to kill you like that. I thought I had better control, and I'm sorry I miscalculated it."

"Hey, it's okay. I'm not injured. And I know you didn't mean to. I saw the way you stopped struggling in Emmett's arms, how you let him guide you out. It meant you truly cared about me. I can't blame you for who you are."

I ducked my head into my arm. "Yeah, but I do. I don't particularly like myself. I struggle with what I am. Because I don't like to kill. I've larned to embrace what I am, but I don't like it."

"But I like what you are." I suppose I should be beyond furious, but I was more astonished and jubilant than anything else. "I think it just adds to how special you are. It's...an endearing quirk." I raised my eyebrows and she laughed.

"Have you ever seen the show Smallville?" I shook my head. "Well, Superman's an alien, living his life as a human with a huge secret. He keeps it quiet to his friends, because he doesn't know how they'll react. When his best friend Chloe Sullivan finds out, she told him how much she admired him, and how much the world would be a better place if more people were like him. That's how I feel about you."

"Yeah, but I bet he didn't have to fight battled within himself not to kill her."

"Not her specifically, but the love of his life, yes." Suddenly, I as intrigued. I'd read the Superman comics, but I assumed the show as different. And judging from what she's been telling me, I assumed I was correct. "He's afraid to have sex with Lana Lang because he thinks he's going to hurt her by either crushing her with his super-strength or incinerating her with his heat vision."

Well, something me and the alien had in common, then. I could crush Bella at any moment if I chose. Especially if I wasn't paying enough attention to what I was doing. This kind of sucked. But I was glad she didn't treat me as the monster I made myself out to be.

She cleared her throat and held my cell phone out to me. "Text from Alice." I opened it quickly.

'ditch after lunch? very important we talk. ask bella.'

"Alice wants to talk to us after lunch. Would you be willing to skip the rest of the day?"

"Um, sure." Oh, she was so nervous! But I didn't blame her. I was anxious myself.

'Yeah that's fine. See you in a few' I texted back.

We waited til most of the cafeteria was cleared out, and then we walked towards the parking lot and got into her old red Chevy. Surprisingly, Edward drove slow--but that was only so Bella could follow him, since she'd never been to our house before.

It didn't take long to get there. And when we did, Esme greeted us all at the front door. She gave Rosalie a hug, kissed Emmett's cheek, and then said a few words to Edward and Alice.

Then she looked over my way, and saw Bella and I. Her face lit up like a kid's on Christmas and she embraced me with a tight hug. I let her go, though, because I knew she was about to cry.

"Hello, Bella, dear," she said. "It's so nice to finally meet you. You've made Jasper a very pleasant and hospitable person, you know." Bella blushed for what seemed like the millionth time today, and murmured a thank you.

Esme ushered us through the front door and sat us down on the comfortable couch across from Alice and Edward. And then she let us be, saying she had some weeds to pull in the backyard.

I was unnerved. I didn't like hoe the awkwardness hung in the air, clinging to our silence. I didn't like my wife's stic expression, or Edward's smug look. Matter of fact, I hated it. Wanted to rip it off his face.

The look went away as soon as he read my thoughts. Finally, Alice spoke. "Hi, Bella." At least she was being pleasant. "I'm sorry to drag you into this, but the situation involves you now too."

Then she turned to me. "Jasper, I wanted to ask your permission." Permission for what?! "Firstly, for a divorce, and secondly, to date Edward."

What? No! Absolutely not! Are you out of your tree! This is absurd! Fucking bitch! How could you?! "If you'll just grant me that, I'll keep at peace with you and Bella."

"Threatening me like that isn't gonna change my mind. I'll sign the divorce papers, and you can date Edward if you want, but not with my blessing."

"Why not?" Irritation.

"Because! He's my fucking brother, Alice! How could you do that to me? You go from saying there's no one in the world you'd rather be with than me to dating this scum? What happened to being pissed because he was in love with you?"

Edward interceded. "Hold on one minute, Jasper. We aren't actually dating yet, We were waiting to speak with you."

"I don't care!" I exploded. "After all we've been through together, how could you do this to me? This is the most hurtful deceit. Most unfavorable betrayal."

"You're being a bit hypocritical, don't you think, Jasper?" Alice spat at me, like she was spitting out vemon as well. "You're accusing us of such treachery, when you're doing much worse. I patiently and acceptably waited as you got closer to Bella. The only thing that kept me going was the fact you told me you wouldn't fall in love with her, like the prophecy said." She scoffed.

"I should have known better than to trust you. I have a right to do whatever I want with Edward. And after two nights ago, I should have. But I respected you, so I waited. But you...you're _living_ with Bella. Not only that, but she knows our secret now. And you've already made out with her. Edward was willing to wait as long as I wanted, and I chose now. Because I know he will never hurt me the way you have.

"You know, why don't you move home? Because if it helps you at all to get over me, I'll do whatever it takes. Edward gracefully said he'd move out with me and we'd get a place of our own. At least I know how to be nice. At least I don't screw people over every chance I get." I flinched.

"So screw you, Jasper. I thought maybe for once you'd man up and take this all silently and calmly, but like always, I was wrong about you." And then she slapped me. It didn't hurt, but it was very degrading for me.

I didn't say a word as she got out the divorce papers, and handed me the pen. Silently, I signed my name, and then left the house, gathering myself together once I got outside. I heard footsteps behind me and wheeled around to find Bella.

And all my anger dissolved. I threw my arms around her and drew her in for a tight hug. My jagged breath came out. My heart felt like stone. And cold. It was ice. Like, an ice pick was shoved, stabbing me in the heart, over and over.

"Come on," Bella crooned, "Let's get you back home." I nodded and we drove back to her--no, our--place in utter silence. We retreated up to her room and immediately took out my guitar.

Once again, I tried not to snap strings. The metal felt extra-breakable today. It didn't take long to find that inspiring tune. I just had to find the right lyrics to attach to it.

And that came pretty easily. Soon enough, I was singing the words, Bella at my side, listening to every word with the same intense expression as at lunch.

"It was yesterday you told me you loved me. But today I learned you found someone else, and everything was fake, was fake.

"When I get back home, I know that you'll be gone. And all the things I've given you are left behind; I'll put them in a box.

"And today I found out you moved in with him. A one-bedroom apartment down the road from the place we first met, first met.

"When I get back home I know that you'll be gone. With all the memories of me you had locked here in this box.

"And I'll start to think of everything we had. I was always there for you,

I asked for nothing in return, I swear, I swear. I'll believe, you'll make you see. You were there with someone else."

I started to scream the words. "See my pain, I'll believe--"normal again--"you were there with him. I don't want to see your face again."

Screaming again. "Not like this." Normal. " I don't have to see you in this place.--"Scream--"in this place."

Normal. "I don't want to see your face again--"scream--"face again."

Back to singing again. "I will not be ashamed--scream--"not now."

And back again. "This time I won't be ashamed of it. This time I won't make it change myself. This time I will make myself believe. My heart, it won't break this time, won't be left behind, I won't be so shy; I won't let you win this time."

I heard a murmur and looked at Bella, putting my guitar down. "That was a beautiful song, Jasper. But do you really mean everything you said in that song? Do you really believe that will happen?"

Hmm. How should I explain this to her? "Bella, usually I think uo a situation and write out lyrics to it. This doesn't have anything to do with me. Besides most of the feelings and thoughts."

"Oh. I guess that makes sense. So what was the situation?"

"A guy's in love with this girl. Like, he's totally in love, but she's not really into it. So, she cheats on him, breaks his heart. She tells him she was there only to have fun. And she moves out and into a new guy's house, flaunting it around, trying to make the lovestruck guy jealous. But he feels hurt and betrayed, and he's just really pissed at her."

"Oh, Jasper." She out her head on my shoulder, and I put my arm around her waist, drawing her closer towards me. "If that's the way you feel towards Alice--hurt, betrayed, pissed--well, I think she has a point, and you are being hypocritical. You need to forgive her."

I sighed. "I know I do. With time, I will. I just need a bit to cool down, you know? I can't hold grudges for very long, I'm sure you're well aware."

"Sure, I'm the same way. If I did hold grudges, I'd hate you for what happened yesterday. But I don't." I could feel the love and warmth in her voice. Which reminds me...

"Bella, you know you talk in your sleep, right?" She stiffened at my side.

"Yes. Why, what did you hear?"

"Well, a few very amusing things. Like, you mentioned that Forks was too green." A twitch of a smile. "And you said you missed your mother."

Her position relaxed a little. "Is that all?"

"Once more thing..." I gave her a dazzling grin, looking straight in her eyes. "You said you loved me."

"Oh no!" She croaked, and hid her face in my chest in embarrassment. I laughed at her very obvious reaction.

I lifted her chin to look back into my eyes with my fingers. "Love, don't be embarrassed. I'm glad to know it. I was beginning to wonder if I was the only one who that felt that way." She bit her lip, and I let her chin go. Automatically, she hid her face in my chest again, breathing deep.

I bust into fits of giggles. "Do I smell nice?"

"Very," she complimented, then lay down on the bed. I fell down next to her. "Jasper, what did Alice mean about the prophecy thing?"

Guess I'd have to explain that sooner or later. "It's a vampire prophecy about la tua contante, which translates to singer, Anyways, there are these people out there, ordinary people. Now, you know everyone's blood smells appealing to a vampire, but there's certain people who's blood appeals more strongly than others.

"They call these people singers, because their blood sings for these vampires. And it's prophesied that if the vampire doesn't kill their singer the first day they meet them, they will end up falling in love with them.

She mentioned it because you're my singer. It as even harder to abstain from you than other humans. But I overcame it. And now I'm supposed to fall in love with you. I told myself I wasn't, but you can't deny the prophecy."

Again, crimson tides flushed her cheeks. "Wow. I guess I didn't realize it was harder for you to be around me than any other person. But I think that kind of turns me on."

I chuckled. "You are so strange sometimes, Bella."

She grinned. "So I've been told."

And I found my lips descending down on hers. Time to get lost in this moment with her. Someone so perfect as her...I was in love. Isabella Marie Swan, I'm in love with you. And I hope you don't forget it.


	7. Part of My Past

disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. it's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Daphne Loves Derby. totally not mine!

The next week had been slow and agonizing. There as a searing kind of pain inside of me when I saw Edward and ALice together. The ice picks never seemed to thaw.

I guess it was just kind of hard--seeing someone you've spend 50 years of your life with date your brother. Yeah, it was very hard. I'd come to terms with the fact we were separated, that wasn't the problem. I'd kind of learned to embrace that. It was seeing her around with someone else; someone I'd known and respected.

And then I looked at Bella, and I seemed to be able to push all of that chaos out of my mind. Everything felt right and whole and good when her smile blinded me. Everything but her seemed to drift away when we kissed. When I held her hand in mine, or I spread my arms around her, a jolt of happiness surged through me. It felt effortless and good.

I loved her. It was a different kind from the way with Alice. In fact, it was so foreign to me it was kind of disorienting. But at the end of the day, when we lay in bed together, holding each other close without words, I knew it was something special. And the way she looked at me in admiration when I wrote a song; it was like magic.

The way she makes me feel is empowering. In a lot of ways, how she encouraged me reminded me of Alice. Everything always came back to her, now didn't it? To be honest, I missed her. A lot. I thought about her. I hasn't talked to her at all this week, and I knew I needed to tell her I forgave her. She deserved to know that. Even if it's the last words I say to her, she'll know it.

Question is, how do I catch her alone? Edward and her were adjoined at the hips most of the time. And I _really_ didn't feel like having him around when I tried to apologize.

I weighed my options of whether I should do it in front of Edward. The pros, the cons. Then the lightbulb flickered on. In order to get a soda, I had to pass the Cullen table. And I'd tell Edward what was going on.

I revealed my plan to Bella, then asked her what she thought about it. She agreed that this was probably the best way. I stood up and walked over towards the soda machine.

_Edward, I know you can hear me. I want to civilly talk with Alice alone. If you can get her to agree to that, I promise not to bother you all again._

He looked up sharply at my face. "Jasper, can I talk to you outside?" I looked at his hands clenched tight, but I couldn't trace any anger. Was he okay?

I followed him towards the soda machines, out of earshot to the family. And then he did something _very_ unexpected--he hugged me. Hugged me, for Christ's sake! The last thing I'd expected from him. "Thank you. It's been driving me crazy that everyone's been thinking about when you two would make peace."

I shrugged. "I was out of line before. Overreacted. She was right, and I want her to know that."

"Well, I'll give you two a chance to make up. Stay right here and I'll be back with her in a sec." He was gone, and I was freaking out and quivering in fear at what I was about to do. I was frightened to admit I was wrong, and that she was right. It made me very uncomfortable.

What if she didn't let me apologize? What if she just antagonized me again? What if everything I was about to say was in vain? What would that do to my self confidence? Or lack-there-of...?

Well, all of my fears made my stomach churn as she bounded towards me, arms crossed tightly over her chest, lips pursed indignantly. She was pissed. I knew that look very clearly.

Lithely she walked, graceful dancer, rhythmic beat, pacing steps. Til finally she was in front of me, glaring up at me with pitch black eyes. I was at a loss for words. I fumbled through my brain to remember what I had planned to say to her, and decided just to ad-lib.

"Alice...I hate to admit this, but you're right. I was being a total hypocrite and I didn't mean to freak out. It just surprised me that we could change so much in the past few years, you know? It's kind of mind-boggling. I freaked out over nothing, and I'm sorry."

She searched my eyes for sincerity, then she dropped her arms and gave me a hug. I stood there, stunned for a moment, and then returned the gesture. "Thank you Jasper." she said into my chest.

"I didn't want to fight with you anymore. I miss the way we used to be, when we were actually friends, you know?"

She squeezed out of my embrace. "Friends sounds very refreshing right now. But only if you can handle Edward and I together."

"Oh, I think the question is if you can handle Bella and I." I grinned foolishly at her and she smiled back. We parted ways to go back to our tables. But she stopped me, placed a hand on my elbow and I turned to look at her.

"Come sit with us tomorrow, okay?" I swallowed, wondering if Bella would agree to it. Then Alice's eyes glazed for a moment, and her smile broadened. "It's settled, you'll sit with us. See you tomorrow."

I walked back to Bella, dazed and kind of confused, to be honest. And I had to explain what was going on, hoping my voice didn't sound perplexed. "Well, that went very well. She uh, hugged me and told me she missed our friendship. She wants us to sit with them tomorrow."

Her brown eyes widened in horror. "No! I--I can't sit there. Doesn't your family hate me?"

"No. Emmett's over that. And Edward was nice to you, wasn't he?" She nodded slowly. "Esme already loves you and Carlisle too."

"But what about Alice and Rosalie?" I grimaced at the last name.

"Alice had been dying to be friends with you for as long as I can remember. She's going to be very pleasant. Rosalie might have a problem, but just ignore her. We all do."

Poor Bella. She was so frightened. I wish I could help her get over her fear of my family somehow...well, I could, but I don't know how she'd react.

Ah, what the hell. It's worth a shot, right? I gave her a fresh wave of serenity and her tense body suddenly relaxed. She looked at me with wonder in her eyes. "Is that...did you just calm me down with your special ability?"

I chucked softly and nodded. "You should know how that works."

She smirked at me. "You could have just kissed me, you know." Ha. Of course I could have. Well, better late than never, right?"

I leaned in towards her and lightly pressed my lips against her. But, like always, I felt myself wanted to get carried away with her. She threw her arms around my neck and deepened the kiss. I can't believe how good it felt to kiss her sometimes. Unbelievable that she could be the one for me.

The bell rang, breaking our kiss up for us, but it didn't break us apart. I entwined my fingers with hers as we walked towards the gym room. It felt good to be confident again. Whenever she stood by me, I felt so sure of myself, you know, like I mattered to someone. I don't know what I would do if everything with her fell apart too.

But that wouldn't happen. At least, I hoped not. Tonight I was planning to tell her the hardest thing I'd ever have to say to her. I was hoping her reaction will be elation, and not revulsion. But then again, why would it if she'd told me this before?

Ugh. I'm always being the pessimist. Everything was going to be fine. It will be perfect. Trust your instincts, Jasper. Go with the gut feeling, not what your head tells you...

I leaned in to kiss her again before we parted to dress out and run a mile in 25 minutes, which wouldn't be that hard if I didn't have to keep pace wit Bella. And make sure she didn't twist her ankle again...

As I turned away, Bella caught my hand. "Jasper? I know you already know this, but I just wanted you to hear it. I love you. Kay?"

I smiled. "Yeah. See you in a few." I walked into the locker room and undressed.

You know, it was kind of a relief to hear her say those words again. It was like reassuring me that my soul was still intact. If she still loved me, then of course she'd be happy when I told her I loved her back tonight. Right?

Of course she will. Quit being a pessimist! And I really needed to quit talking to myself...

Anyways, I met up with Bella at the track and we ran in silence. I could tell something was on her mind. And I frankly had a lot on my mind too. Like how I was going to tell her...

Obviously, I couldn't plan out a nice dinner to talk it over with her, because of our living accommodations. She lived with Charlie, and he was definitely not aware I was living with them. Probably give him an aneurism if he did. So basically, I had to tell her before her dad got home. Unless she wanted to tell him we were dating.

Maybe that's why I'd been having qualms about this. Bella tells me how much she loves me, but is that enough? She has feelings for me, and she treats me with the utmost respect, but is it really, truly love? Because if it was, don't you think she'd want to tell her father about us so wwe'd stop sneaking around? Seemed like everyone but him knew.

Maybe it shouldn't hurt that much. I shouldn't make me suspicious. But it does. And I want to talk to her about it, but I didn't want to upset the balance. Things are finally weighing right for me right now. I've got a great girlfriend and a patched up relationship with my ex-wife and brother. Life is good right now. Only thing bothering me, is that.

She knows my parents. She speaks with Carlisle intellectually and helps Esme with the housework. She'd made an effort to branch out and get to know them. Is it so selfish that maybe I wanted to do the same with Charlie? That I wanted to sit around and talk with him about sports? Or anything, really? I wanted to feel comfortable with me spending the day on his couch watching a movie with the woman I loved.

I didn't think it was too much to ask. I wanted to broach on the subject, but how do you start that conversation? And god forbid if I say something wrong! It could upset her, and I didn't want to start something. Who knew dating could get so complicated and confusing when the person was human?

Hmm. "Here," Bella told me, handing me my cell. Alice sent me a text message.

'skip next pd. someone's gonna cut themselves.' Always being the lifesaver, even when I didn't deserve it. Well, if Alice's visions spied blood, I better ditch. After the huge fiasco last time I saw blood, I was more than eager to run far away from it.

So this was a good thing--I think. Well, it would give me a chance to prepare my speech with Bella. Something that I _definitely_ needed to think over. I never liked to say the wrong things.

I snapped the phone shut and explained to her what was going on. "Alice said someone in my next class was going to get hurt, so I gotta leave after this period."

"Okay. I'll meet you by my truck. We'll ditch together."

"No, Bella, you need to go to Calculus. You're gonna fail."

"It's cool. I'll study when we get home and leave you alone. You've been doing a lot of thinking and seem like you need some time to sift through them. I'm here when you want to talk about it."

Perceptive as always. She always knew everything. Made it hard to hide things from her when she was so analytical. And when she called me out on all my crap.

That's good, though. I'll get a few minutes to myself to plan my words and then I'll tell her the truth about what I'm thinking like I always do. If honesty really is the best policy, everything will turn out for the better.

We ran in silence til the coach blew the whistle and then we separated to go towards our locker rooms to get dressed and head back home.

The car rise home was unusually silent, too. It was good because it gave me a chance to think, but yet it was also very unnerving. Maybe that's just cause I was just feeling a bit paranoid at the moment.

When we got back to our home, I took the liberty of breaking the guitar out. At first I started playing the song I'd written Bella, hoping that would help me think of something to say to her that wouldn't hurt her feelings.

But it evolved into something more; a softer tone, a different melody. Something different altogether. The song I'd written Alice a while back.

There was one time in my life that she had ever left me--before now, that is, and even now that the feeling was mutual. I'd been a complete ass and gone and broken her heart. We'd been fighting for two solid weeks and I'd gone down to Denali to get away and hopefully clear my head.

And what I did next, I will never forgive myself for. I'd managed to weasel my way into Tanya's pants--and Alice had just so happened to see a vision of us together. She'd freaked out. And then when I heard she knew, so did I.

Not because she'd found out, but because I was disgusted with myself for putting her through so much pain. I'd hated myself for it, so much I wished I'd die. That's why I went insane and kissed a dozen people. That's why I stole the gasoline and lighter. That's why I had a phychotic break.

And when Alice saw me going up in flamed, she came and found me, talked me out of suicide. We'd eventually addressed our problems and worked it out. But that night, when Alice called me, told me how much she hated me, and that she was through with me, I wrote a song.

Well, since I was already playing it, mihgt as well humor myself and sing it one more time before I shove those memories back in their dusty cell back where they belonged,

"Make this ride as fast as I can. Tonight this road home feels a little longer. I hope you know that you were my best friend. Tonight I said goodbye, but I should have said more. Thanks for the best time of my life.

"Come home, now that you're gone I've finally realized that you were the best. Come home, I won't forget the times that we had. I'm wishing that you weren't a part of my past.

"Emptiness swallows this town. From now on I will be alone for good. Will you remember my name? I'm hoping that I will hear from you soon. Thank you for everything.

"Come home, now that you're gone I've finally realized that you were the best. Come home, I won't forget the times that we had. So please don't be a part of my past."

It's amazing how old wounds can always rip wide open and make you bleed all over again. Bleed figuratively, in my case. I thought I'd healed from that, but maybe this whole time I'd just been worried the same thing was going to happen with Bella and I'd make the same mistake and hurt her. And I didn't want to do that.

It was bad enough I'd already tried to kill her--and who knows how many more times I will try to? If I broke her heart too, or if I forced her out of my life in any way, I'd try my hardest to kill myself. This time, I wouldn't let anyone force me out if it.

That was probsbly another thing that was nagging at me. Feeling like I shouldn't have listened to Alice that night. That maybe I should have just lit myself on fire. Obviously we were doomed as a couple by that point. It was foolish of us to try to build it all back up. We should have given up the fight so long ago...

"Done brooding yet?" Bella's voice called to me from the doorway. I looked over at her, leaning her head against the doorframe, her hand on the curve of her hip. Her expression looked tortured--almost as if she was dying to know what I was thinking, but battling the thought that maybe I wanted to keep them all to myself.

I smiled up at her and patted a seat next to me on the bed. She moved into action and I put my arm arounf her as she sat down next to me, leaning into my chest.

"Yeah. I'm done thinking now."

She was silent for a few minutes. Then, cautiously, she spoke. "Do you want to tell me what you were thinking so hard about?"

"Well, I've been thinking about three things. Two might upset you, and one might make you very happy. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Upset me? Are those two things bad?"

"Well, one you might want to hear a little later. But the other one is very important. I don't know how you'll react...so it's better to get that out in the open."

She sighed heavily. "The start with the upsetting thoughts."

I groaned a little. I didn't want to hurt her in any way--but maybe it was better with things this way. Maybe it was a good thing to start with this and not exchanging the 'I love you's' first, in case she decided to bail or something.

"Well, maybe it's stupid of me to feel very paranoid, but it seems like the whole world knows we're dating now. With the exception of Charlie."

She twisted around to look at me. "Jasper, what are you getting at?"

"I want to know if there's some specific reason why you haven't told your father about us yet. It makes me nervous. Like maybe you think this thing between us isn't going to last. That it's just this brief thing that you won't even bother to mention. Because it doesn't mean anything to you. That even though you tell me you love me, you aren't speaking the truth. That I'm just some lost cause you'll patch up and then send on their merry way." I sighed. "There, I said it." Was was so hard about that? Oh, just everything.

Bella blinked furiously at me, speechless, and in awe. I felt sick to my stomach. I knew I shouldn't have said anything. And bow she probably hated me. Furious that I would think that way about her. Probably even mad I'd guessed right. Maybe that's why she couldn't speak.

And then she did something that surprised me. She started laughing. Hysterically laughing. Like, what was so funny about what I had just said? Was this a rational reaction?

And then she did something that surprised me even more than the laughing. She kissed me. She _kissed_ me! What was going on in that girl's head? She was giving me whiplash here. I didn't know what to think anymore.

And finally she spoke. "The upsetting news is that you have no idea why I haven't told Charlie about us?"

I shifted my weight. I was embarrassed now. "Well, yeah..."

"Jasper, honey, this is _Charlie_ we are speaking about. He's a cop with a gun. I know how protective he is of me and he's freak out if I told him. I didn't want to have to calm him down. Honestly, I don't know how he'd react, but I'm guessing it wouldn't be very pleasant.

"That's why I haven't said anything. It's not because I didn't think this would work out, because I was hoping this would be a permanent thing between us. This relationship between us means more to me than even I can admit to myself. You're partly right about the last part, though.

"I do want to patch you up, because I know how lost and broken you are right now. And I'm hoping that something inside og me will heal you and make you whole again. I want to see you happy and confident and completely free of all your pain and angst, I'm hoping you'll be able to get past that and I want to be there to help.

"But I want you to know that even when that happens, I will not abandon you. I will never leave you, no matter what obstacles may stand in our way. Because I know what I want, and that's you, and I will never give you up without a fight.

"Which brings me to my last point. And that is that I do love you. And I'm most certainly not lying to you when I say this. I've never felt this way about anyone in my entire life, and I'd never say something like that if I didn't mean it with all of my heart."

Whew. It was like a huge load was lifted off of my shoulders. Somehow my heart felt lighter, It was great to know that I was worth saving. "Good. Because the good news is next."

"Yes? The one that will make me very happy?"

"Mhm." I laid down on the bed, pulled her down with me. She wrapped her arms around me and I put mine around her as well, stroking her hair. I kissed her forehead before I spoke. "It's a good thing you mean it when you said you loved me, because I've fallen for you too. Isabella Marie Swan, I love you. I've fallen in love with you."

She bit her lip to keep from grinning, but it didn't work. She kissed me with more passion than usual. I let it go on for a little bit longer than normal, and then I broke it off. Didn't want to test my self-control anymore than necessary.

And then Bella's smile faltered. "You mean it when you say you love me, right? It's not just because I said it first, and you feel obligated to say it back--that it will hurt my feelings if you tell me you don't feel the same way I do?"

Oh, god, she was as pessimistic as I was sometimes. I felt like laughing, but she did have a point. That was a very rational thing for a guy to do.

"Bella, love, why would I say the things before if I didn't feel the same way? I wouldn't have gotten upset about it. I would have been relieved. I mean it with all my heart when I say I love you."

Her infectious grin came back. "Good. That does make me very happy." She snuggled closer to me. "Oh. And by the way, tonight I'm telling Charlie about you. And you're taking me out on a date."

"Oh, am I?" I laughed at the silly girl in my arms. Ah, yes. The saying definitely was right. Honesty was the best policy. It was helping all my hopes and dreams fall into place in front of my incredulous eyes,


	8. Somewhere I Belong

disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. it's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Linkin Park. totally not mine!

I couldn't believe how tremendously nervous I felt. Like my head was going to explode from all this craziness. Like maybe if I could have heartbeat, it would be hammering in my throat. Hands cold as ice. Though the last part was true--only because I was dead, though.

I was outside of Bella' house. Waiting in Carlisle's Mercedes for her to tell Charlie about us. So far, I didn't hear any shouting, so he hadn't put her on the receiving end of his shotgun yet either. So things must have been going at least decently.

I grew impatient as I looked at the clock--it read 6:42. Three more minutes and I was expected to be ringing her doorbell. It was getting kind of annoying and scary to stay in the car, not knowing what was going on. Or what Charlie was saying about me. It as a school night, after all, and I was taking his only daughter out on a date.

Finally, the seconds ticked by slowly and I made the slow crawl to her front door, gave her a ring. I heard shuffling inside the room. "Dad, please be nice to him. I really like this guy," I heard Bella say.

Her father grunted a response and Bella opened the front door, grinning, her emotions brimming with happiness. "Hello, handsome."

"I take it things went all right with Charlie?"

"Eh, mostly. He didn't get all freaked out like I thought he would, but he was still hard to budge on. He almost didn't let me go with you tonight because he thought you were Emmett."

"Thank goodness I'm not."

Charlie appeared behind his daughter with suspicion, and then taken aback when he saw me. I'd heard of Chief Swan, but had never actually met him before. Guess he expected something very different from me.

"Oh. You're Jasper Hale? Well, it's, uh, a pleasure to meet you." He nervously shook my hand, wincing a bit at the cold. I smiled wryly as he shrank away.

"Nice to meet you too. I've heard a lot of great things about you from Carlisle." His face lit up at my father's name.

"Yes, how is Dr. Cullen? I haven't seen him in a while now."

"He's perfect, thank you." He smiled at me for a moment, then his eyes turned accusingly towards me.

"Now if you hurt Bella, my friendliness towards--"

"Dad!" Bella cut in. "Stop it." Charlie accepted silent defeat.

"Don't worry, Chief Swan, I would never hurt Bella. Is there a specific time I need to have her home by?" Not that it would matter anyway, since I'd be in her bedroom later that night.

"Your curfew is 10:30, young lady. Be back by then."

"Kay. Bye, dad. Love you."

I led Bella out the door and held open the passenger's side for her to get in, twisted the keys in the ignition. It gave out a soft purr and I drove carefully out of her driveway, and then picked up speed.

I turned my eyes to assess Bella. She had on a plain blue shirt that looked a bit baggy on her skinny figure and a classic pair of blue jeans. She had on a pair of black Chucks.

She looked up at me, and smiled as our eyes locked into place. "You look really pretty tonight, Bella," I told her, and watched as she started to blush, losing eye contact with me. "Blue is a very good color on you."

Her blush deepened as she stared at her shoes. I laughed at how shy she was being towards me. Maybe it was just because it was our first official date and I knew she was just as nervous as I was. I could feel it.

"You should keep your eyes on the road and quit staring at me," she mumbled. I laughed again. She could be so self-conscious sometimes it was adorable. I liked that her heart sped up when I complimented her, but she spoke with embarrassment.

"Ah, well, if it makes you feel better. But I don't need to. I drive flawlessly anyways. I've got fast reflexes."

'I'll say' she mouthed. I smiled at how cautious she was, but adverted my attention to the road. "So where are you taking me?"

"I was thinking about bringing you to one of my special places. The one place that can calm me down and bring me to my senses. I've been there to tell me there is more to life than being a vampire. It's been there to instill hope in me when I thought it was all gone."

She was silent, but I could feel pity from her. Somehow, it didn't matter much if she felt sorry for me--less frustrating, I guess--because she didn't know everything about my past. Not yet, at least.

I'd briefly explained what Maria did to me, about after my newborn stages, but not enough to the point she would be frightened. I hadn't told her anything about the time I tried to kill myself, just that I had a rough time a few years back.

But I planned on telling her sometime. My mission was not to placate her with worry, though, it was to spend some good and honest time alone with my amazing girlfriend. I wanted to show her some of the things I could do. Since it was dark out, I couldn't show her my sparkling skin. But I could show her the speed; exhilarate her as we run through the forest. I could also show her my scars if she wanted.

I parked the Mercedes on the soft shoulder and shut the engine off. I fumbled in the back seat for the flashlight--so she could see my scars if she wanted--and a container of hot chocolate. It was going to get cold out, and I needed something to warm her, since I couldn't take part in that.

That was something I hated. If I could, I would hug her until she was warm. If I hugged her in my condition, she'd probably be shivering even harder than she already was. I grabbed my leather jacket just in case she needed that too,

I handed it to her, and she gladly accepted it. She shrugged into it and I walked a little ways to the edge of the forest to gauge how many miles we had. "It's five mines to the meadow."

Her eyes bugged out. "_Five miles?"_ She complained. "You know I'll never make it."

I laughed quietly at her. "You aren't going to be walking. I'll run us there. All you have to do is hang onto me and you'll be safe."

Her eyes got even rounder. "Run? Like, your vampire speed thing?" I heard her gulp down fear.

"Bella, it's really not that bad. You'll get used to it. I promise. Now climb on my back."

She hesitated for a moment, then slowly she walked towards me; a terrified expression on her face. In no time she launched herself on my back and it was like I was giving her a piggy back ride. I told her she might want to close her eyes and, making sure she was ready, put one foot in front of the other.

Suddenly we were tearing through the forest with blinding speed. Wind slapped my face, ruffling my hair, stinging my eyes. The speed felt good. Invigorating, even.

Bella clung harder to me as I took a curve, and she drew in a sharp breath. Probably thought I was going to hit a tree or something. I hope she enjoyed this moment, though, because running was one of my favorite things to do. It was rejuvenating, and the best way to clear you head. It was one of my favorite past times.

Once we got to my clearing, we stopped and Bella slowly and clumsily jumped off my back. By the look on her face, I could tell she was dizzy. Her face had turned bone white and her mouth was parted in a small 'o' formation, panting heavier than normal.

I set down the thermos on the ground and placed the flashlight along with it. Then I plopped down at my favorite spot to meditate. Then--ever so patiently--I waited for Bella to recover from her shock with amusement.

After she was done, she joined me at my spot and snuggled up close to me, despite the fact she could see her breath and was having massive tremors run down her spine. She'd rather freeze to death than stay away from me apparently.

To warm her up a bit, I poured her some hot chocolate and she absentmindedly started sipping at it. Her eyes closed as the wind whipped straight into her, and she sighed at the coolness of night's breath.

Stars were beginning to form in the air and for a while we sat in silence looking up at them. They were very beautiful, and in a strange way magical. As I looked up at the gorgeous beings, it made me believe. In what, I wasn't exactly sure. But something greater than myself. They held some kind of faith inside their angel light. Promised me, reminded me, that true love existed. And as I gazed at the moon, Carlisle's beliefs didn't sound so crazy to me anymore.

The night brought this kind of insight upon me. Like my hindsight was clear of all lies. Made me succumb to the truth--or what Carlisle thinks it is. He believes in a place in the sky, a place where everyone is happy and perfect and nothing bad ever happens. He believes in a place past the stars, way beyond burning planets and the deepest pits of space, that you go to when you die. Where you dwell with God. He has faith in God, and with magic surrounding me, it's almost easy to see why he thinks and believes in something so untouchable like heaven.

"Lovers can see to do their amorous rites, and by their own beauties; or, if love be blind, it best agrees with night. Come, civil night, thou sober-suited matron, all in black, and learn me how to lose a winning match, played for a pair of stainless maidenhoods." I quoted.

"Romeo and Juliet," she murmured. I was pleased she knew the play I was quoting. I continued speaking Juliet's words.

"Come, night, come, Romeo, come, thou day in night; for thou wilt lie upon the wings of night whiter than new snow on a raven's back. Come, gentle night, come, loving, black-browed night, give me my Romeo; and, when he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars, and he will make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night and pay no worship to the garish sun." She said the words along with me.

She murmured silently to herself, and then looked back up at the stars. "I didn't realize how beautiful those words were until now."

I nodded my head, though I knew she couldn't see me. "There's something perfect within night; like a steel beauty or something. It's a very enlightening experience. When I look up to the stars, I envision Romeo and Juliet, together again, happy and in love, flitting across the sky. Maybe my aversion to day has something to do with the fact I'm a vampire, but I've always been drawn to the majesty of night."

Okay, that sounded kind of cheesy now that I've said the words out loud. But at the time I thought I was being philosophical--deep and insightful. But I ended up sounding very stupid. Or at least to me I did.

"I like that." She pondered my words for a moment. "Romeo is the stars that light up the world, enveloping all star-crossed lovers to be patron saints of the night." Well, at least she understood what I was going for.

She sipped aimlessly at her hot chocolate and then stared back up at the night sky. I was very glad I had brought her to my special place and shared this moment with her. I think it brought us closer together, being bound by the night this way.

"You know," Bella told me, twisting around in my embrace to look at me, "I'm glad you did something like this for our first date. A movie and dinner just sounded way too cliche and boring. It's good to spend time alone with you, with peace and quiet surrounding us."

"Well, I wanted it to be a night to remember. The first of many good memories and good moments to come."

"Oh, I don't think I'll ever forget tonight. This place is stunning. I can see why you'd get lost in its beauty and spend hours laying in the soft grass, thinking about nothing. It's a very soulful place."

"That's why I come here. Edward and I found this place while hunting a while back and I've been coming back here ever since. The trees and grass and flowers and all else that manifests itself in this spot have become my best friends. They don't make me feel like an outsider anymore."

"Yeah. I suppose this place can mess with your mind. Can make you believe in the greater things in life. Makes you appreciate things a whole lot more, maybe take less for granted."

Hmm...at least we were on the same wave lengths. Her mind sounded a lot like mine. It was a great feeling to be able to talk about these kinds of things with her and know she understands and feels exactly the same way as I do. Gave me hope that I was most certainly not making the worst mistake of my life.

Bella finished her hot chocolate and set the cup on the grass, picking up the flashlight and turning it around in her hands. I tensed as she flickered it on. She sensed my hesitation. Her eyes looked through mine, pleading for an explanation to my alien body language.

I spoke softly. "I thought you might want to see what happened to me back when I was working for Lucy."

"Lucy?" she asked, intrigued by the name. Kind of a bit of irony in there too--seeing as thought Lucy was the name of the girl Dracula seduced and then changed into a vampire.

"And Maria. And Nettie."

"Who are they?"

"The woman who changed me. They created a super army of strong newborns, trained us to fight very well. I'd destroyed a lot of vampires to please them. Battled against friends for training practice, mostly. But also I faught other covens and nomads for land. It left me with a lot of scars."

"Scars?" she inquired, confused. "I thought your skin was impenetrable."

"Not when other vampires are the ones biting you. Our teeth is coated with venom. So when we bite, venom goes into our bloodstream. It stings pretty bad. The venom leaves scars on us. Crescent-shaped. Like a pair of teeth basically."

"Do you have a lot of scars?" I nodded slowly. "How many?"

I didn't answer for a moment. "Enough to scare someone. Enough to look dangerous."

"How come I haven't seen them on you?"

"They're about as white as my skin is. That's why you need a light to see them with." I took the flashlight from her hands and shined it on my arm.

I heard Bella gasp. Her hands softly caressed my arm, gently tracing the outline of my bite marks. "There are so _many_," she murmured to herself. "God, that must have been awful, Jasper. I'm so sorry this happened to you."

"It's not your fault. Anyways, that was a long time ago, and I hadn't known there was any other way of living."

"Are Nettie, Lucy, and Maria alive?" Oh boy. I sure hoped not!

"Not Nettie and Lucy. Maria and I...eliminated them when they posed a threat to us. I could feel they were going to turn against us, and I acted on my instincts." I didn't answer about Maria. But Bella brought it up on her own.

"But Maria's still out there, isn't she?" She pressed.

I sighed. "I suppose so. With her newborns, I doubt anyone's been able to kill her. She's got vast resources going for her. She's smart."

We lapsed into silence as she ran her fingers over my half-moons again. Finally, she spoke. "Okay. Subject change. Can I hear you sing the last song you wrote?"

I winced. "I don't have my guitar with me."

"You don't need it. Your voice can hold on its own. It's beautiful. Flawless really." I winced again. Glad she thought so...cause compared to Edward, I was a croaking toad named Carlotta.

"Oookayyy," I drawled out. Then cleared my throat. "It's called Somewhere I Belong."

She crawled back into my arms and closed her eyes to where I couldn't see what she was thinking; couldn't read her facial expressions.

"When this began I had nothing to say and I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me. (I was confused) And I let it all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind. (Inside of me) But all the vacancy the words revealed is the only real thing that I've got left to feel. (Nothing to lose) Just stuck, hollow and alone. And the fault is my own. And the fault is my own.

"I want to heal, I want to feel what I thought was never real. I want to let go of the pain I've held so long. (Erase all the pain till it's gone) I want to heal, I want to feel like I'm close to something real. I want to find something I've wanted all along; somewhere I belong.

"And I've got nothing to say. I cant believe I didn't fall right down on my face. (I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find that it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind. (So what am I) What do I have but negativity? Cause I cant justify the way everyone is looking at me. (Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain, hollow and alone. And the fault is my own. And the fault is my own.

"I want to heal, I want to feel what I thought was never real. I want to let go of the pain I've held so long. (Erase all the pain till it's gone) I want to heal, I want to feel like I'm close to something real. I want to find something I've wanted all along; somewhere I belong.

"I will never know myself until I do this on my own. And I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed. I will never be anything 'til I break away from me. And I will break away, I'll find myself today.

"I want to heal, I want to feel what I thought was never real. I want to let go of the pain I've held so long (Erase all the pain till it's gone) I want to heal, I want to feel like I'm close to something real. I want to find something I've wanted all along; somewhere I belong. I want to heal, I want to feel like I'm somewhere I belong. I want to heal, I want to feel like I'm somewhere I belong. Somewhere I belong."

All was silent as I waited for her reaction to the song. I personally thought it didn't have the same meaning without the acoustics, but the words remained the same. Take it as you will. We all perceive things differently. I hoped she wouldn't be too upset. She knew I was in a bad space. She tried too hard to help me conquer the darkness inside of me.

"Wow." She finally managed to squeak out. "That wasn't what I was expecting to come out of your mouth. But I guess we all have different sides to ourselves." She was quiet again.

I stroked her hair without saying a word and held her tighter towards me. "Jasper, why do you feel like you don't belong? You've got everything going for you. And yet you're always in the shadows of things. A part of it, but never the center of attention."

I shrugged my shoulders. "I've just always felt like I was different than the rest of my family. I'd seen more, been exposed to the evils of life. Somehow I felt less innocent than them. Dirtier. Things never felt natural with them.

"And obviously I couldn't reconnect with the human side in me because I didn't remember much what it was like to be mortal--naive and ignorantly blissful."

"But you can connect with me easily."

"And you don't fit in well, either," I pointed out to her. "Bella, all this time I've been searching for my niche in this world, something to fill the void inside of me. Somewhere I belong. But don't you see that I've found it?"

She looked at me curiously. "You _are_ where I belong. We're both outcasts coasting our way throughout life. It as like destiny that our two souls met and cried out to each other. I need you and you need me. It was fate that we should be together. We create our own world--our own place that we belong."

Her eyes sparkled for a moment. Then she kissed me. Her hands were running through my hair, and I was getting turned on as our lips molded together as one. But when I thought we were going too far, I pulled away.

I could sense her frustration. "Bella, it's getting late. I need to bring you home before Charlie murders me for keeping you out past curfew."

"Mmm...he couldn't put a dent in you."

"Yes, I know. But I want him to trust and respect me so we can do this sort of thing sometime soon."

I gathered my things together and Bella climbed onto my back. And then we were racing through the trees again with the same wonderful speed that jolted me like an adrenaline rush.

In no time we were back into Carlisle's Mercedes and I was driving slowly back to our small but cozy house. Our car rides were always filled with silence these days, but this time it wasn't awkward--or always unnerving in my case. I was staring at Bella's beautiful face again, and she was staring out the window, watching the scenery flash by.

I love how the light dances across her face and brought out the beauty inside of her. Her eyes shone with grace, her soft lips were curved in a sensual manner. Maybe it was just my imagination, but somehow she looked even more impossibly beautiful in the moonlight.

We made it back at home by 10:15 to find a porch light on for her safe return. "I'll meet you inside in about an hour, okay?" She nodded and softly kissed me before exiting the car.

I watched her silhouette disappear into the house and I drove back to the Cullen mansion to kill some time. Tonight had been perfect, and I'm glad to have spent it with Bella Swan.


	9. Earth To Bella

disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. it's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Incubus. totally not mine!

Things were going great in my life again. It was all sorting out, and I liked the flow of my life. I enjoyed going to school in the morning, Bella and I hanging out with my family. I loved eating lunch with my siblings, who were getting along very nicely with my new girlfriend, who seemed to like them too. I had fun going home, doing homework, maybe writing a song or two, then spending the rest of the afternoon with Bella in my arms, sharing a kiss. Or two. Or more.

I even liked having Charlie come home, eye us suspiciously, and then headed for the tv for his normal daily routine. I'd join him in watchig sports, making small talk in commercials, while Bella made dinner. I'd sit with them while they ate, help Bella do dishes, then spend more time talking to her.

At about 10:30 every night, Charlie kicked me out. I'd go back to the Cullen mansion, hang out with my family. We'd talk and laugh and chill out. Then, at midnight, I'd run back to Bella's home, climb through her window, and scoop her up in my arms. She'd fall asleep while I held her, humming a song I'd written her, and then I'd think the rest of the night.

Sometimes, I'd get restless and read through some of her book collections. Then, if I felt insightful or an idea popped into my head, I'd write. About everything and nothing. Deep, meaningful prose, light and airy poetry. Gut wrenching tales, sob stories, love-lost-and-found-again Shakesperian stuff. Tragedies and comedies alike. Probably most of it sucked, but I'd always let Bella read through it. She told me it was amazing work, and would shove it in a folder with all of the other things I'd written since I met her.

I'd been very content with myself and how my life was. Because I was happy again. I felt like a new person, one buried by all the secrets he had to keep and all the things he'd been through. None of that even mattered anymore. I had a feeling of ecstasy, pure elation. And nothing in my past really mattered anymore.

Only one tiny thing bothered me, and that had to do with Bella. It wasn't qualms, or feeling something about her. It was more the feeling she was having about herself. Her annoyingly self-conscious mind. Then, how she thought she knew all the ways of the world, but yet she'd never been and seen much of anything. It confounded and frustrated me.

She thought most of the world was right; no evil existed in the confines of her mind. She thought that she was coasting through life just fine, that nothing bad could happen unexpectedly. She wasn't prepared for all the acts of selfishness this world held. She didn't have any clue about all the dangerous things; thought she'd clued into life. But she had no idea she hadn't even scratched the surface.

To be honest, she thought she was getting along just fine in the world, when really she wasn't even cose to treading in deep water. Matter of fact, she'd only dipped her toe in the pool. Nothing bad had ever happened to her. Just me. Just that one time.

Anyways, her ugly thoughts and feelings aside, my life was turning out to be outstanding. I didn't think I was hiding that, either. My pride was sizzling, on the surface. Even Alice and Edward couldn't tear down my mood, believe it or not. Their relationship no longer bothered me--well, not that much anyways--and my mood seemed to be rubbing off on them. They were always in a cheerful mood, and thus we got along very well. Something I thought I'd never say, but it's true that we were pretty good friends now.

Edward and I had always gotten along fairly well. Actually, even better than that. He knew my problem about opening up to people, so it was a relief to know I didn't have to say anything at all. And he was pretty good listener, great at making me feel appreciated.

Alice and I had to come to terms with this whole friendship thing too. it wasn't awkward anymore. I could tease her every time she'd kiss Edward, and she'd offer a helping hand whenever something goes wrong with Bella. She and I were coming along far in our relationship.

Bella and Edward were making some small talk lately. Mostly dribbled about music they both agreed on and stuff like that. I know he hated not being able to read her mind, and that kind of hindered his ability to talk to her. But they both thought the other was nice, so it was comforting.

But it was Alice and Bella's relationship that made me and Edward both shocked. They'd hit it off immediately Bella wasn't even shy when talking to her; it was amazing. All lunch they'd talk about things like clothes and boys and that kind of stuff. It was thought impossible that they could ever get along, but they were like best friends. My girlfriend and my ex-wife, Huh.

Emmett thought Bella was the funniest thing alive, and she thought likewise--minus the alive part. Emmett was amused by her clumsiness, and how she got embarrassed by everything. Bella loved hoe when she was around everyone seemed to relax and enjoy his wise cracks.

Rosalie was a different story, though. She let an icy draft build between then, and she was always annoyed, irritated, and jealpus. Partly because Bella was human, and partly because all the attention was centered on her, and away from her persons. She was used to everyone admiring her--even if we didn't like her very much; even trying to ignore her--and it was grating on her that someone else stole her spotlight. 'Someone less deserving than I,' she'd said one time.

Now I was sitting on the couch, fingers laced with the most beautiful girl living, and pretending to watch a movie with her. I'd seen the movie before with Alice a few years ago, and it was a good movie, but it was a chick flick. Besides, she knew I wasn't watching it anyhow. She'd ;earned to see when my mind was preoccupied.

She got up, turned the tv off, and waded into the kitchen and opened up the fridge to get out ingredients for a dish she was making; lasagna. I helped a little bit, then she put the pan in the oven. She sat back down at the table to finish her homework, and I opened up my notebook too.

I was going to write some stuff down, but ended up helping Bella with calc. I helped her understand the process, and then made sure she knew how to get the answer. When she was sure she knew what she was going, she apologized for taking me away from my writing and told me she'd leave me alone.

Flipping my notebook open again, I clicked my pen to try and get my thought process up. I couldn't seem to find just the right words to wrtie down. I wanted to write something about Bella's world view, but didn't know exactly how to address it, so I just stared at her face.

She had the most determined expression; contentment in her eyes. She was biting her lip as her hand flew across the sheet of paper. Her eyebrows were knit as she tried hard to get through her homework. She looked up at me a couple of tims, and I charmingly smiled back. A light would switch on in her brown eyes and a kind, shy smile would come back towards my way.

I studied her face for a few more minute, then memorized her body language. How she slaved over the paper. How her hand was buried in her hair, resting on the temple of her forehead, elbow leaning on the table. How she silently tapped her pencil against her nail when she was thinking.

I picked up my pen and wrote a couple paragraphs of prose. Then I wrote a drabble or two of Haiku, a blurb of a sonnet, then started on what I wanted. I whispered the words as I wrote them on the sheet of paper.

'Earth to Bella: you think you've got it all figured in. Earth to Bella: everything you know is wrong. Well almost. Earth to Bella: I've seen when you are not listening. I bear the burden of being the voice that lets you know we all grow old. And before you swim you gotta be okay to sink.'

A beeper went off and Bella looked up at the timer, then got up and tuned it off and took the lasagna out of the oven. If their dinner was ready, and all she had to do was make a salad, that meant Charlie was almost home. I continued writing.

'Earth to Bella: the world can be an unfriendly place, so hold your head up and do your best to save some face. It's not so hard. Just undo yourself and see a second sun ascend. Okay to sink. I'm okay to sink. Okay to sink. I'm okay to sink. Okay to sink.'

Charlie came home then, taking off his badge and hanging up his gun, taking off his vest. He entered the kitchen and sat at the table, eating his food and telling Bella about his day. She politely commented, and provided a few details about her day. Like how she hit me in the head with a racket.

While they sat eating human food, I go a text from Edward, 'We need you at home. Alice saw something.'

'Be right there,' I texted and then got up from my chair. "I'm really sorry I couldn't stay longer, but I have a family issue to attend to."

My eyes locked with Bella's for a moment, and I read all of her emotions. She was obviously curious. And also like she wished she could come with me and help out. I wanted to take her with me, since she was family now, but Charlie would have never let her.

I ran back to the mansion and found my family sitting at the dining room table, waiting to discuss something with me. Knots tightened in my stomach as I sifted through emotions and I sat down, feeling like I wanted to hurl.

"So," I started. "Alice saw something? What kind of something?"

No one answered for a moment. Then, in a shaky breath, Alice spoke. "I'm not sure exactly what it is. Someone's using the holes in my vision to get around me, but I'm getting faint glimpses, like someone's changing their mind nonstop. I can't totally make sense of it."

"Okay. Well, if you can't make anything of this, then why are we having a discussion? Just think of how many people know a way around your visions and be prepared to meet them when they come down here like we always do."

Alice looked around the table at my family, then bit her lip. The knots came back. Why was everyone so upset about this? "There was something specific in one of those flickers I saw, Jasper. One with Bella."

My whole world froze. The ringing in my ears grew deafening. My throat suddenly went even more parched than it already was. My eyes lost focus, spinning around the room. Brain making a mad dash towards insanity, words dancing around. What did she see? Oh, god, please don't tell me she'd had a vision of her dead! Now now, when my life was finally going somewhere.

Alice tried to explain to me what she'd seen. "She wasn't dead." The weight lifted off my chest. "But I think someone's going to torture her a great deal. She looked like a piece of glass was stuck in her leg, and her head was bleeding. She had a, um, bite mark in her hand."

The boa contrictor made its appearance again. "Okay, so what you're saying is for fun, someone is going to throw her around and then change her into one of us? Who would do that? better yet, who would do that who knows your secret?"

She shrugged. "Only people I can think of are the Volturi. But I don't know how they would have found out about Bella, unless there's another coven here at our school or in town or something."

"And we didn't notice? Alice, I don't know. They'd have to stay pretty damn far away from us so we wouldn't notice. Even that...it's a long shot, to be sure. I don't know what this means. But if Bella's in danger, shouldn't we do something about it?"

Edward interceded. "Not yet, Jasper. Wait til we find out all the facts and then we can make a decision based on that. I think all you can do right now is just not let her out of yor sight and everything will be fine."

I took in a deep breath, felt my lungs fill with the unnecessary air, and stopped my breathing. A hand rubbed my temples like I had a headache, my eyes slid closed ad I tried to maintain my cool.

If anything happened to my Bella, so help me god, my rampage would be horrendous. I'd cause so much chaos and blasphemy that eventually the Volturi would have to take me out for the destruction. I was a lost cause when it came to tragedies.

Edward's eyes rolled at my melodramatic thoughts. It was pretty stupid of me to always expect the worst, and then completely flip out and overreact. But that's how my mind worked. Yeah, it was probably immature, but I didn't mind how childish I acted when things didn't go my way. I'm sure it was annoying and funny and stupid.

"Yeah, so if we find anything more, we'll call you. Okay?" Edward informed me. "Go look after Bella."

I nodded slightly, then headed out the door, saying a thank you for telling me what was going on, and then rushed back to Bella's house.

I climbed up her old oak tree and found her window open, so I climbed ight into her bedroom with a soft thud, a cat's whisper. Bella was asleep with a book in her lap, fully clothed. She was waiting for me.

Gently I took the book out of her hands, marked the place for her, and then stole under the covers and held her. She began to wake up slowly, til she forced her eyes open and gave me a tired smile. "Hey, you. What happened?"

"Family emergency." I didn't look her in the eye when I said this. "Just some puzzling flickers Alice is getting that's having her worried, that's all. She thinks maybe there's another vampire around, lurking. So she wanted to warn me and keep you close, just in case something happens and you aren't safe anymore."

"Mmm. That was very thoughtful of her."

"Yes it was. You should go to sleep, tough. I feel bad for waking you up. You need your rest."

"No, I'll be here. I want to stay up. Spend some time with you."

I laughed humorlessly. "Really, Bella. It will make me feel a whole lot better if you are fully rejuvenated tomorrow so that I can take you out on a date. It's not very much fun when you're grouchy."

She pouted for a minute at my words, but then she snuggled into my chest, closing her eyes. I stroked her hair and kissed her forehead, hoping it would help her fall asleep faster. When I was sure I wouldn't wake her again, I could relax and do some thinking. I wouldn't have to feel the need to protect her from harm then.

What was I saying about Bella earlier? Oh yeah, that she was totally unprepared for something bad to happen, even though she thinks she is. Well, if I can talk to her tomorrow and warn her of possible outcomes and problems, then I'm sure everything would be okay, right? She'd know what to do because I helped her out and mentally prepared her. She would be on guard when--if--someone came for her. No one would kidnap her.

But then again, teaching Bella to defend herself is probably difficult. She'd fall down trying to get away--which would be no use to a vampire anyway--but I'm sure she could struggle. You know, like punch the guy or something. But then again that wouldn't work on a highly strong vampire, either. Shit. We're screwed.

I took a deep breath to steady my thoughts and very carefully grabbed my notebook off Bella's dresser, reading through all I had written that day. My prose was good, I guess, though my mind had been distracted. The sonnet sucked, so I tore it out and dunked it into the waste basket.

I turned the page and found the thing I was writing about Bella. I doubted she really wanted to see this view of her, but it was kind of true. And I bet she didn't even notice she flinched whenever someone mentions her age or her birthday or something like that.

For a moment I stood there thinking about a possible melody to the song I was cooking up, then added more to the writing. 'Earth to Bella: this is a quiet emergency. Earth to Bella: there's so much more to get then wronged. Earth to Bella: you're treading water successfully. But are you really? Don't you want to see the deep? It's not so hard. Just forgive yourself and feel the water open in.'

Bella stirred at my side and I closed the notebook in case she woke up again or something. Her mouth parted slightly, and I know the talking was going to be starting up again. For a second her eyelids fluttered, she moaned, and then turned over.

God, I wish I could see what she dreamed about! I mean, most of the stuff she remembers, but I don't think she's been telling me all of it. Then, "don't let them find me." I looked at her, shocked st the words she uttered. _Don't let them find me?_ Don't let _who_ find her?

She shifted in her sleep again, and then she spoke again. "No, Jasper, you can't save me." I'm sure my face got paler than my already bone white pallor at what she a saying.

It was almost as if she knew someone was coming after her, maybe she wasn't so clueless about what was happening. Or maybe I was just the problem. I'd told her I was staying close in case something happened. That probably did her in. I got her all worried that something bad was going to happen, and it would be too late to save her.

She was probably right, though. If Alice's vision was right, and she was on the ground, bloody, and bitten, I'd be in no shape to be anywhere near her. The smell would overtake me and I wouldn't be able to control myself around her, and that would not be good. Her fate would rest in the hands of my family.

Carlisle could take care of her, but she was completely right. If something did happen to her, I couldn't save her. I'd have to wait around until she got better. I couldn't come in and play hero. I couldn't protect her. Sitting around, watching myself be helpless and feeble; that sounded like a pretty had task for me to follow.

"I'll be just like you now." Bella announced in her sleep. God, this girl was about to give me a heart attack! Did she _want_ to be a monster like me? What was so fascinating about being a vampire? About having a constant thirst for human blood all of your life? Bring immortal, watching everyone you love die away?

Oh, _now_ it all made sense. Why age was such a touchy subject for her. Why she hated it when people mentioned her birthday in September, reminded her that was was going to be turning 18. I didn't see what that mattered. I was 18. Granted, I'd been that age for longer than she had, but I could now see her problem with growing older. She didn't want to get any older than me. She would rather have her life taken early than gain another year in her life. She wanted to stay with me forever.

I wanted her too, but not this way. If I could choose between life or this living nightmare of death, I would have wanted my life back. If only I was born in another time. I resented this horrible life, and I don't want her to doom her life. She needed to live her life, not hinder it.

Tomorrow when she wakes, I'd be having a serious conversation with her. Talk to her about what she thinks will happen, and what she wants to happen. Assess everything that's going on. Because if she thinks I'll let her ice over and become something so horrible...well, then, she was going insane. I would never let her do that. Not unless there as any other choice.

Bella finally calmed down and quit moving in her sleep and lay in a dreamless sleep. I knew she wasn't about to wake up anytime soon, so I opened up a book of hers and began reading. It was fascinating to read stories about things I've never experienced, that I'll never know how it feels. Stuff like drugs, or getting drunk. Stuff like the feeling of dying, or what it feels like to cut yourself. Things I'll never know.

About 100 pages into the book, my phone vibrated at my side, Edward was calling me. Hastily I opened it and whispered into the receiver, so as to not wake up Bella. "Edward, is everything okay?"

"Is Bella asleep?"

"Yes, why?"

"You're gonna need to take her out of town. You can't go with her, though, not in the prospect that someone could track you down."

"Edward, what's going on?"

"You can't go with her. But you have to take her out of town,' he repeated. "Is she friends with any of the werewolves?"

"She's cordial with Jacob Black--"

"Perfect. Ask him to take her away for a while."

"What? No! I'm not putting the love of my life into his hands. I don't trust him."

"Well, Jasper, you're going to have to trust him. There's no other choice."

"Edward," I enunciated, "tell me what's going on."

"The Volturi found out about her. I'll explain more once your job is done and you come back to the house. You have to hurry. Alice said something's going to happen soon. You _have_ to hurry."

Click. I panicked. What do I do? How do I find the strength to do this? How do I hand Bella off to an immoral dog and hope to god his temper doesn't kill her?

Well, at least it only took one phone call to ruin my life completely.


	10. Bliss Tearing Eyes

disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. it's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Dead Poetic. totally not mine!

I shut my eyes tight to escape these horrors I was going through. I couldn't deal with all of this. It was too much, and I was getting ready to break. My phone kept ringing and ringing, names showed up on my Caller I.D., none of which I wanted to talk to. And then the name came I had been yearning for.

"Carlisle?" my voice was so eager for a positive, uplifting response. "Bella's going to be alright, isn't she?"

I heard a sigh arise. "I don't know, son, I don't know." I didn't hear the rest of what he said. I couldn't listen anymore. Everything I feared was right in front of my eyes. Bella might not make it. And it was all my fault if she didn't.

Well, not all my fault, but I was the one who put her in danger. If it wasn't for me, she'd be alive and well, and not in a hospital bed, dying. She wouldn't have to risk herself over and over if she was away from me. Not in love with me. Doesn't matter much now...

God, just thinking about how all of this happened sent me drowning towards a place way below the ground. If only I could have done something more! If only...

-flashback-

I quickly dialed Jacob Black's house, hoping someone would be awake at this early hour. And luck was with me. "Hello?" a tired voice asked.

"Is this Jacob Black?"

"Yeah..who is this?"

I sighed in relief. "This is Jasper Hale. Listen, before you hang up on me, I really need you to do a favor for me. It regards the safety of Bella Swan."

All was silent on the other end of the line. Then I heard a shuffling noise. "What did you bloodsuckers do to put her in danger?" His brittle voice finally said.

"I'm not entirely sure. But a very infamous, Italian, royal vampire family found out about her, and we have to find a way to get her out of town so they won't find her. If I go with her, they'll just track me down. I need someone who can not only protect her but can confuse her scent."

"So why did you call me?"

"Because you're the only werewolf I'd moderately trust with my girlfriend. And she knows and trusts you. Please, Jacob, please help her out."

I heard hm groan. "You're gonna owe my pack. Lucky for you, I happen to care about Bella' well-being, so I'll bite--no pun intended. Assuming the time you're calling, you need me to come over to her house now?"

"If you could. Use the window instead of the door. Charlie can't know."

"Got it." He hung up before I could get a word in. I was going to thank him, but I guess that would have to wait. For now I had to wake up Bella and get her informed. I shook her gently and she responded by opening her eyes, then being frightened by my frantic mood.

"Bella, you need to get your stuff together now. You need to get out of town. I don't really know what is going on, but Jacob Black is going to get you away from here."

She nodded without asking any more questions and gathered clothes into a backpack of hers, quietly trying to unzip iy so Charlie doesn't wake. "Jasper, can you get my stuff from the bathroom? I don't want Charlie--" I was nodding before she'd finished her sentence and hurried to gather all of her things and was back in a split second.

She was packing the stuff and I was helping her when there was a noise at the window. I stifled Bella's scream by changing her emotion from fear to complacency. "It's only Jacob, Bella." I soothed her as she relaxed into my arms.

He came through the window and crossed his arms, a scowl on his face. I thought it would be kind of rude to cringe, but he really did smell terribly awful. "So where am I whisking the princess off to?" he asked me.

I cleared my throat. "Far enough to get her to safety. Far enough to where the Volturi can't track her scent."

"The Volturi?" she whispered, and then shivered. "I knew they were coming after me."

"The Volturi's those Italian leeches?" Jacob asked. I confirmed.

"Just please take her far enough away so there's no danger. I don't know for how long. But I'll call you when it's safe."

"Yeah. Okay. I'll make sure I put you on my speed dial." Didn't know someone could be that sarcastic!

"Jacob, thank you so much for this; really. You have no idea how much this means to me."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it." He rolled his eyes. "You're welcome. But I'm not doing it for you."

"I know. But I'm still very gratuitous towards you."

I turned to Bella then, put my hands on her shoulders. Tears were rushing towards her eyes. I wiped them away. "Hey, don't cry. Everything will be okay. I just want you to know that I love you with every beat of your heart. That'll never change. Even if your heart stops beating. Forever and always, right?"

She laughed meagerly and nodded. I took her face in my hands, and I kissed her with more emotions than an entire roomful of people, not caring if the werewolf could see us. He made a gagging sound, then told Bella they had to go.

I watched him climb out the window with her stuff, then catch her in his arms when she fell. His VW Beetle was parked around the corner, and I watched as they climbed in. "Gratuitous," he muttered. "Who says stuff like that?"

They drove away, leaving me in a solitary room, wishing I could run after the car and be the one who got to lead her to safety, not Jacob Black. But none of this was going to get solved by me yearning, looking out a window at silhouettes on a horizon.

I returned back to the Cullen house; took my usual place at the dining room table and looked at Edward for an explanation. He was going to give me an explanation of how the Volturi managed to find Bella out.

"Alice was right. There's a vampire coven just passing through, and they saw you and Bella together. They were shocked and confused. But you see, the head guy is a tracker, and he caught onto the scent. He knew about us from the start."

What? Okay, what is that supposed to mean? "It means he knows Aro. And Aro is trying to find incriminating evidence on us because he feels threatened by our large numbers. He was spying on us, and he reported what he'd seen to Aro."

My heart rose into my throat. I felt like I was choking on reality. "One more thing, though. The Volturi is like, the least of our worries, cause Aro's willing to let her live if we promise to change her. It's the tracker I'm worried about. His plan to abduct her and do god knows what. We have to make sure her scent is derailed."

"Well, that shouldn't be a problem then, should it? I mean, Jacob Black will completely obscure her scent, right?" I knew that wouldn't be enough. If he was serious about tracking her, he would find her. He would find some way to get around Jacob, and that would be the end of Bella. We couldn't save her. It would be too late.

"Not necessarily, Jasper. If you're keeping in contact with Jacob, you can make sure you know where they are. We can make sure you know where they are. We can stay here, in case something goes wrong. Everything will be fine."

I sure hoped it would. Because everything in my life would change if she was gone. _Everything._ More than I could bear to realize at this point.

My family looked at my sympathetically and then disbanded from the table, breaking off into smaller groups and leaving me to drown in all of my sorrows. I didn't want to call Jacob and pry; to seem like I was being completely over protective or something. Like I am with everything else in my life.

And the only thing I could do was sit around and wait for a call from Jacob to tell me that everything is alright, or not so alright, depending on how determined this tracker is. But if I'm trusting Jacob to take care of her, he better not screw this up. If she dies under his watch...let's just say he'll be walking around with three legs, rather than four. I guess that sounds mean, but Bella's life is at stake here.

I wanted to get up and ask Alice if the vision she'd had was still the same, or if it had changed any. I still wanted to rush after the car and follow Jacob and Bella to wherever they were going. It sucks being completely incompetent when it comes to blood. How I can't even stand to be around it without the frenzy beginning. How, even though she could be in a hospital dying, I wouldn't even be able to visit her.

Just then my side started buzzing, and I read Jacob's name on my Caller I.D. I opened the phone, and he didn't wait to start talking. "Jasper, I don't know what's going on." His words were slightly slurred. I was wondering that myself...

"Where's Bella? Is everything alright?"

"I...I don't know. One minute I was talking to her and she said she had to go to the bathroom, and then she never came out. No one I've asked has seen her."

I sighed, clenching my jaw hard, fihgting with myself to say something I didn't mean. "That's okay, Jacob. It's alright. Do you at least hace any helpful information that could help us find Bella?"

"Umm..." his voice shook with hesitancy. "I don't exactly know where she is...but we were at an airport. She wanted to go to Arizona and warn her mom and stuff. I let her use my phone to call her, and she called her back, said to wait til she picked her up."

"Thanks. You're being very helpful." I faught with myself again to maintain a pleasant voice, and to use kind words, despite what I wanted to do.

No one hesitated to get into motion as I hung up the phone. Edward and I got into the Volvo, Emmett and Alice into the Jeep, and Esme and Rosalie into her BMW. Carlisle was staying here until we needed him, gathering up medical devices in case we needed it. He'd be on the plane with us, though.

We sped through the road, to catch something that would lead us in the right direction. Edward was talking on the phone all the while, trying to get us tickets to go Phoenix.

I should have known she'd want to go there. Didn't want to put her mom and Phil in any danger. But I thought maybe they'd go someplace a little less obvious.

We got onto a plane quickly and sat around once again, being helpless as we drifted into the sky, hurtling towards a new town. I should have known something like this would happen. The tracker and Bella were probably the most stubborn people, both determined to do whatever they wanted, and not to give up. He could have tricked her, she could have done whatever it takes to keep her family safe.

Geez, would the plane move _any _faster? I felt like I was going 10 miles per hour, even though Edward reminded me a dozen times that it was faster than flying. It was the worst feeling in the world--not knowing if she was dying or not. It made me feel a bit better that Carlisle was here, and he'd know exactly what to do. But I couldn't help but keep thinking: what if we were too late? What if the tracker had already killed her? Or she'd already been bitten and the venom was spreading throughout her body?

I wouldn't mind if she was a vampire sometime in the future, years later and after she had a whole lifetime of experiences. But not now. Not like this. Not when she has so much more to live for. So much more to see and do. Her life couldn't jst abruptly end now, when she has so many things to look forward to.

Still, I anxiously sat in the plane seat next to Edward, who I'm sure was reading my thought and making a concoction of helpful things to do or say to calm me down. With my overreacting all the time, though, I don't know how it was going to help.

"Okay, Jasper, here's the plan," Edward whispered towards me, in case there were any eavesdroppers. "We;re going to go to Bwlla's parents house, see if she can find something from there. And when we do, Carlisle and I will find her. Just for safe measure I'm going to ask you to stay behind."

I nodded my head emphatically. That was the safest bet. "We'll call you when we find Bella." I nodded again, unsure of my ability to speak. As much as it killed me to jsut sit around, useless, waiting for a prognosis, I knew it's exactly what I had to do. Just in case she _was_ bleeding. I couldn't be around her very well.

Just then the plane started to descend, and I relaxed a little. It meant we were getting closer to resolving these issues. And hopefully closer to saving a human's life. Ironic when you think about it, isn't it? A vampire _saving_ a human instead of _killing_ it.

I was about to rip my seatbelt off and run out the doors by the time the plane had reached land. It was taking _forever_ to unload and I was eager to get away from the airport. Carlisle gave me a disapproving eye and whispered 'patience' until the seatbelt sign turned off.

I unclipped it and jumped out of my seat, getting into the aisle and following Edward as we unboarded. Once we got in the airport, we waited for Carlisle who was still getting off the plane and we hurried past security. They looked at us strangely from the lack of luggage but let us pass by unscathed.

We were outdoors now, but surrounded by people and that made it hard for us to escape properly. We tried to push through crowds of people waiting for a taxi cab or the bus to find someplace out of the view of human eyes. We briskly walked til we found a place we were sure no one was watching us, and then we ran.

It wasn't hard to tell in which direction we were supposed to be traveling in. The air was fused with Bella's freesia scent, leaving us a trail to follow down to Scottsdale. It didn't take too long to reach her house, and then we were flinging open the door hastily.

Upon entering the house my hairs bristled as I caught the icy scent of another vampire long gone--the tracker. It made me furious to know that he'd been here, looking through her family's objects, touching things...made me want to rip his throat out.

In the kitchen by the phone was a number on a pad of paper and a brochure for Mimi's Ballet Studio. I vaguely remembered Bella saying something about dancing some when she was a little kid. She'd claimed she'd been awful, and quit at about age nine. A ballet studio sounded like a great place for a theatric death. Maybe the tracker led her there.

Edward nodded at my thoughts. "Sounds like something our tracker would do, too. We'll check it out. Make sure you keep your cell on and wait for our call, Jasper. And please stay here."

I didn't have the will to argue with him. He informed Carlisle of the location, and my family was off in search of Bella again. I could catch the trail of the tracker going in the direction they were headed, and prayed to got it was the right place.

When they caught the guy, I hoped they'd save him for me. That they'd get Bella in a safe place first, then call me so I could finish the bastard off. I deserved to be the one to rip him to shreds. If he messes with my girlfriend and harmed her in any way, then death would be exactly what was coming for him.

I sat down on a stool in the kitchen by the phone and waited for a call. I knew it could take a while for an answer...I just didn't know what to do in the meantime. I needed something to keep myself preoccupied. I needed something to keep me from remembering the situation I was in...

-end flashback-

"Jasper, everything will turn out okay in the end. Things will be fine, son." Carlisle told me.

"Just as long as that tracker's not alive," I snapped, knowing I had no right to use that tone with Carlisle, when all he'd been doing is trying to help.

"Edward...eliminated him." His voice was filled with remorse. I knew he was against murder at all costs, but we had a pretty good reason for him to be taken out of this world. "He won't hurt anyone else."

Exactly. We had to kill him so no one else could die. So no one else would be dying or changed. "Carlisle...did he bite her?"

He sighed. "Yes, he did. We got there just in time to stop the venom from spreading too much and causing permanent damage. But Jasper, she's lost a lot of blood and she's in a deep coma right now. There's no telling when she's going to wake up."

"Can I visit her?"

"Umm..." he was very hesitant to answer. "I don't think that would be a good idea right now, son. It's even hard for Edward to be around her. Give it a couple of days until you come down to the hospital."

But I wanted to be with her _now_, not two days from now. I wanted to stay by her side all of the time, holding her hand. I wanted to be the first thing she sees when she opened her eyes. But of course I couldn't do that. If only I could just choose mind over matter...

I shut off the phone and put my head in my hands. This could _not_ be happening to me. I couldn't lose everything! Not again...

From my peripherals, I saw a guitar, dusty, in a corner and handled with care, plucking strings. It looked like it hadn't been used in forever, and it was still in mint condition. I begun to tune the strings, and then familiarized myself with the way it played.

I began to form a new song in my mind then, scrambling to find a pen to write with on the tiny pad of paper provided on the kitchen counter. I wote it out with the pen I could find, then sang it with meaning, with emphasis. With total clue of how absurd my voice sounded, breaking. With knowledge of how useless the words actually were. With an understanding that Bella and I should have never been together in the first place. But still I continued on...

"Cause you bleed all the time. The pieces of a broken heart are wasted time. And I can't forgive myself for all the things I've done. But you, you do.

"Bleed one more time for me. 'Cause my heart is filled with loneliness, and this world is filled with loneliness. Bleed one more time for me. 'Cause the struggles of this world are blistering. Blistering.

"Your cells run through my veins. The times you lifted a dead man. That's me again. And I can't forgive myself for all the things I've done. But you, you do.

"Bleed one more time for me. 'Cause my heart is filled with loneliness, and this world is filled with loneliness. Bleed one more time for me. 'Cause the struggles of this world are blistering. Bleed one more time for me. 'Cause the struggles of this world are blistering. Blistering."

I wasn't sure what I meant by these lyrics, or what I was trying to get across. Maybe that I couldn't stop fate? That, in this world, in order to feel okay again, we have to bleed? Did I even know if the words had meaning, or were they just a bunch of nonsense put together with a melody?

I couldn't tell. Couldn't think. The only thing on my mind was Bella, and what she looked like right now. She'd be in a hospital gown, an I.V. attached to her. Possible there'd be a brace on her leg from where the glass had gotten stuck. There'd probably be blood in her hair, drying. And one of those gauze bandages, with a nurse checking the dressings every hour or so.

I pictured her in deep, critical condition, hoping my view of what she looked like was wrong on every level. And the only person who could tell me that was Alice, who had called me--I had to check my phone just to make sure--five times since I had been waiting for either Edward or Carlisle to call me.

I dialed her number now and she answered on the first ring, telling me how happy she was to hear my voice again.

'I heard what happened, I'm so sorry!" she babbled. "Or, rather, I saw most of it. He's got it all on tape and I was browsing through it to see what he'd done to her. Poor thing. The tracker snapped her leg, smashed her into a mirror, and bit her." I could imagine her shaking her head.

"I did learn something from the video about my human life, though,' she continued. "I am in the dark for most of my life, that's why I don't remember anything. In the dark in a mental institution. I was in love with a vampire who worked there.

"But the tracker was after me also, so he broke me out of my asylum and changed me. The reason I was born alone, is because when the tracker found out I was already becoming a vampire, he didn't want anything more to do with me. He killed the other vampire who changed me, and then left."

I was stunned at Alice's evaluations. He'd been after two of the women I loved. What am I, poison or something? "So how are _you_ doing?" she demanded, and I sighed, dreading that question.

"Not so great at this point. Carlisle's forbidding me to see her until the smell of blood's been washed away. It's hard, being away from her, knowing she's at the hospital. I just really wish I could be there for her. Relieved she's not dead, relieved the tracker's dead, but also mad for the danger she was in, angry I put her in that situation."

"You shouldn't blame yourself for everything," she noted. "This could have happened if she'd been involved with any of us. If you're going to make it your fault for dating her, then you have to blame the whole family. Especially me, for being her best friend. And I know the only person you're blaming is yourself."

She paused, then spoke again. "The tracker is the only one you need to be angry with. He's the one who caused this, not you."

I swallowed hard. "Yeah, I guess so..." I sighed again, knowing she didn't believe anything that was coming out of my mouth now. "I'll stop blaming myself if that's what you want..."

I drifted off at her dubious 'mhm'. Then I started over. "Look, I gotta go. I'm sure Jacob will want to know what's going on so he can tell his pack. He's still at the airport somewhere, and I have to go find him."

"Good luck," she told me, and then hung up.

Oh, god, I wish closing my eyes would bring sweet dreams, free of pain. Instead, all I still seemed to be getting were image of Bella's battle with the tracker. I doubted if the images would ever leave me alone again. And if they did, I'd still have the memory of just how much I will always be able to hurt her behind my sleepless eyelids.


	11. This Is The Best Day Ever

disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. it's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by My Chemical Romance. totally not mine!

I couldn't breathe as I sat in the crowded parking lot, debating on whether to enter the hospital or not. It had been two gruesomely long days that Bella had been stuck there because of me. Two tiresome days I had to spend with a repulsive werewolf in tow, making sure I didn't go crazy and kill any innocent by standards in the process.

When I met him at the airport that day, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. My voice sounded like I had been crying, my face had been torn with grief. He thought she was dead. Once I revealed what really had really happened to her, he was just as mad at the tracker as I was. Just as sick with worry she wouldn't wake up as I was.

Bella brought us together, made us form some kind of weird friendship/truce thing as a response to our rising panic and concern. He was the one waiting there with me in the Volvo, pondering if I should be with my girlfriend or stay here. She hadn't woken up yet, and it scared me.

Carlisle said it was the blood loss that did it. That she would wake up soon and make a full recovery. I wanted to rush right by her side, but then there was the blood factor. Edward told me she didn't smell like herself, so she'd be less tempting. I'd almost jumped out of the car then. But the more I thought about it, the more painful I thought it would be to be close to her while she's suffering.

"Hey," Jacob said, calling my attention to him, "if my girlfriend was lying in a hospital because someone tried to kill her...regardless of how much it would hurt me to see her like that, I figure she'd need my support. Don't you think the first thing she'll want to see when she opens her eyes, is you? I'd be in there if I were you, no matter how painful."

The guy had a point. If I wasn't there for her, it was like saying I didn't care at all about her, which definitely wasn't true. She was all I cared about. All I wanted.

I nodded at what Jacob said. "You're right." I took a deep breath, put my hand on the handle, opened the door. "Okay. I'm going. Do you want to come in, sit in the waiting room?"

"If you wouldn't mind. It's easier than saying in an uncomfortable car that I could steal." I laughed without much enthusiasm.

We got out of the car and walked towards the hospital. The smell coming from it was staggering. Within the first few seconds I had to stop breathing from the smell of blood. Jacob winced at my side, so I knew he smelled it too.

In the lobby we met Carlisle and he took me onto the elevator and then towards her room. I stalled at the door, closing my eyes, hoping my visionary of her was false. I took another deep breath, and entered the room.

She looked exactly like my worst fears, only worse. Not an inch of her wasn't smothered with bruises. An I.V. was hooked into her arm and one of those respirators. The brace was on her leg, and there was a huge bandage on her head. It pained me to look at her.

I sat in the chair net to her bedside and looked at her face. It looked gaunt. She was pale and she looked troubled, like she was having a bad dream. I took her hand in mine, stroking the fresh scar that aful tracker had just given her.

"Wake up, Bella. Be strong for me and just wake up. I need you to be okay, because I don't know how to be okay without you. I'm here, because you need me. To stand by you, to make you strong again. Even though it's so hard for me to be here. So I need you to return the favor. Get better, because I need you too. I need you to make me strong again. Please wake up soon, Bella."

She shifted in her sleep, mumbling something I couldn't make out, and then was still again. Only noise was the beeping of the monitor. Only concern was the smell of blood seeping into my nostrils as I took a breath.

It's been two days. Why can't she just open her eyes yet? Just once, so I know she's okay and I can vehemently apologize for endlessly screwing up her entire life. Just once, so I can feel weight being taken off of me. Just once...

I continued to stare at her fragile body lying in that hospital bed, holding her easily breakable hand with the new crescent moon scar. I continued to linger on her face. How, even though she'd had the worst brush with death, there was something beautiful about the way she slept. She seemed peaceful, somehow...

"She smell any different to you?" Edward asked me from the doorway.

"Doesn't smell like herself. The scent isn't as bad, but I still feel the pull."

"Good. Then don't imagine the way her blood tastes. It was a taste beyond my imagination perceived it to be. I thought I wasn't going to be able to stop."

I shuddered at the thought of Edward sucking Bella's blood. Even if it was done to save her life. Still, it made me cringe. "I never thanked you for saving her."

"It's okay. I know you would have done the same for me." In a heartbeat. "Jasper, she'll wake up."

"I know she will. It's just very difficult not to be able to speak to her right now. I don't like being in this place. Gives me an uneasy feeling." But that was probably because of my own brushes with death. The flicker of my military life. Dead people--injured ones, more than the dead ones--made me remember my army friends; here one day and then blown up the next.

Edward caught the drift of my thoughts. "Yeah, I bet that would be extremely difficult for you. Take it from someone who almost died in a hospital--this isn't the happiest place on earth. But we all make it through somehow."

I know we do; but not without a fight first. Not without looking at people and being completely compelled at the idea of running away when someone needs you the most. Everyone would sure be a lot safer if I just disappeared. Of course I couldn't think that way; not when she needed me.

Edward gave me a long look, like he was penetrating my thoughts. Maybe wondering if I was going to run off and completely forget about her. But I was in way too deep now to ever look back. If I left now, with everything that's happened to her, I'm not sure anyone would ever forgive me. She wouldn't heal as quick as I hoped, and I'd just be wallowing in depression and telling myself just how much I truly hate myself.

Edward's eyebrows raised at my thoughts, but backed out of the room and I was alone again. Alone, still holding the love of my life's hand, who still hadn't woken up. I was getting more frantic by the moment, Every minute she was asleep, the more I grew impatient.

I knew Carlisle said it was okay. And he's the expert, not me--but sometimes I doubted his word. Felt like he was saying that only to make me feel better. But hey, I have an overactive imagination and I was still pissed at that tracker for biting Bella.

She stirred again in her sleep, muttering something I couldn't understand, and the heart monitor started beating as her pulse increased. I was curious to see what she was dreaming about that was frightening her. Then she muttered something again. "Don't let James get me."

James. That must have been the name of the tracker who'd tried to kill her. It made me want to puke that he actually had a name, especially one like that. One that has meaning.

Suddenly I was sick to my stomach again. The venom churned inside of me and boiled in my blood. I needed out of the room and away from her before I lose control. I burst out of the room and into the lobby, practically pulling my hair out of my head.

"Jasper? Son?" I heard Carlisle say and I looked at him, a growl building in my throat.

"She's talking in her sleep."

"What did she say?"

"'Don't let _James_ get me.'" His name was a sneer. "I can't deal ith that. I can't be in the room when she's talking about that tracker. It drives me insane."

"Okay, okay. Jasper, just calm down. Sit out here for a few and I'll get you if anything changes."

I nodded as he left and sat next to a silent Jacob. His emotions were ranging all over the place and making me strangely calm. I took deep breaths to come down to earth and stop hyperventilating. Then closed by eyes and let my mind drift.

It wandered towards my most calming moments and places. Times in the meadow, laying in the warm grass, sun beating down on my sparkling skin. Times shut in the Cullen mansion, the whole family doing our own thing, but still coming together and being close. Times when I'd read little letters Bella had sent me, professing her feelings for me. Making my whole day worthwhile just to see those words on paper.

I knew if Emmett were here right now, he'd ask me what the hell I was doing and to get back in the hospital room. Conquer my fears, or run away from them completely, because I can't have it both ways. I've got to be totally committed, or not at all.

Right now, I was on the line on going back into that room and walking out the hospital doors and speeding off. I wanted to do both, and I was grappling with which would be the best choice. If I left, it would be safer for her, but she'd be extremely heartbroken. If I stayed, she'd be happy, but I'd be putting her in more danger. And this time, she might not bounce back from it.

I would hate myself if I did that to her. Either way, I'm doing something extremely challenging. The pros and cons on both sides could have devastating effects. So, basically, I was at ends here, And had to choose what I want to do before it's too late. And just hearing what my family would tell me to do if they were here--to get up and go back into Bella room valiantly--made me do exactly what they wanted.

First I calmed myself up enough and then made sure I had enough air supply to hold for a whole if I needed to. Then I got up and took the elevator back up to room 222. I sat back down in the chair I had earlier and watched Carlisle work over her, making sure she was fine. He sat in a chair farther away from Bella, just to make sure I didn't freak out again. And honestly, I was glad he was there.

This way I'll have someone here to talk to. I'll have a reason to stay in the room and not run away again. It gave me a change to make sure I keep my cool this time and not to something I regret.

Carlisle's throat cleared and he took something out of a bag. "You left this at Bella's place and I thought you might want to have it back just in case you needed to write through this situation and document your experience." He handed me my notebook of sons, poems, and one shots and a black pen.

"Thank you," I said, touched that he'd even think about bringing it during all this confusion. Until now I'd assumed scraps of paper I'd found would suffice. But I would have copied them in my notebook first chance I got.

I took the liberty of doing that now. I opened to a clean sheet of paper and took the craps of poems and songs out of my jeans pocket. I started with a few dribbled of prose I'd written, and then wrote out the last song I'd written about how the troubled of our world were blistering; decided to give it a title. Once I'd dubbed it 'Bliss Tearing Eyes', I changed a few things in the song, then looked at Bella.

Still hoping--wishing--she'd wake up and save me from all of this pain obscuring my happiest memories. I wrote out something about a person trying to commit suicide. They were so unhappy with what life had given them, they tried to stop their pain. But they lay bleeding on the ground from cut wrists, and their mind was sharp. They were begging for salvation, and to be saved; asking it they were too lost to be found.

I don't know why I came up with it, but it just seemed like an appropriate set of lines to write. I didn't know if I'd ever put any music to it, but it served as a good poem in itself. I just kind of wanted it to mean something to someone.

Once again, I looked at Bella's sleeping form, disappointed her eyes still hadn't opened yet. It was getting frustrating and I was a pretty impatient person. So I started to write again. This time, about two people who met in a hospital. Once again, my feeling, but an entirely different (or not so, since it's about hospital and assorted things like that) experience.

'And we can run from the backdrop of these gears and scalpels. At every hour goes the tick tock bang of monitors as they stared us down. When we met in the emergency room, and in our beds, I could hear you breath with help from cold machines. Every hour, on the hour, they drew blood. Well, I felt I couldn't take another day inside this place. From silent dreams we never wake, and in this promise that we'll make. Starless eyes for Heaven's sake. But I hear you anyway.

'Well I thought I heard you say "I like you. We can get out. We don't have to stay, stay inside this place." Someday, this day, we kept falling down. Someday, this day, set the Ferris wheel ablaze. You left my heart an open wound. And I love you for this day. Someday, this day, we kept falling down. Someday, this day, all we had to keep us safe.

'And if we never sleep again, it would never end. Well I thought I heard you say to me, "We'll go, so far, far as we can. And I just can't stay. One day we'll run away."'

I went back to staring at her face, which took on a peaceful surrender. Like she'd given up trying to fight against everything in this world and was giving in; letting nature control her, letting it win the battle for her soul. I just hoped it would let her live.

I remembered a quote from a tv show Bella had mentioned before. I'd watched a couple marathons on tv when they'd come on. It was season four of the series, episode Unsafe, featuring this girl named Alicia Baker. She'd said 'Just the thought that there was someone else out there life me...it gave me hope. In my darkest moment, you gave me hope, Clark.' I don't know why it was flashing into my mind now, but it was, for some reason.

Carlisle cleared his throat and I looked up as he started to leave the room. And then I looked at Bella. Oh! She was awake! Thank god! I saw a twitch of a smile and I lace my fingers with hers. "Bella! Oh, I thought I lost you."

"I don't think you could have gotten rid of me that easily." She coughed. Her voice was hoarse and raspy and I hated to strain her this way. "What happened?"

"You don't remember?"

She shook her head. "I remember James pushing me around, but then it all went hazy. And here I am, in a hospital."

I drew in a breath and explained to her what was going on. "The tracker bit you. Edward and Carlisle got there in time to save your life. Carlisle stopped your bleeding and Edward killed the tracker. When they noticed your bite mark, it was almost too late, but Edward sucked the venom out of you before it was finished spreading into your system."

"Edward saved my life? Where is he? I owe him. Carlisle too. And you and Jacob."

I smiled grimly. "All three of them are in the waiting room."

She tried to sit up in the bed. "_Jacob_ is here? I thought you would have sent him away because he didn't keep me safe. I thought you'd hate him even more than you already do."

"At first that was exactly the case. But I saw how much he really cared about you. And he helped keep me from going insane while you unconscious. So I owe him one too. He's actually not bad once you get to know him."

She grinned at me. "I never thought I'd hear you say that. This is progress."

"Yeah. I guess all I had against him were just prejudices."

Hmm...I needed to talk to her about something, but I didn't know the best way to approach it. I had to tell her all that was going on, but how probably wasn't the best time. "What's bothering you, Jasper?" she croaked.

"I kind of wanted to talk to you about something you said in your sleep..." I hesitated before I said what I needed to. "You said, 'I'll be just like you now.'"

She lost her eye contact with me, shrank back down into her sheets. "I don't think it would be such a bad thing to be a vampire. It would be a lot easier for you," she commented quietly.

I almost lost it. "You want to be like me because you think it will be easier for me? Bella, don't you even _dare_ think like that! I will _not_ let you throw your life away because you want me to be comfortable! I won't let you do something this big that you will regret later in life."

"But I won't regret it. As long as I'm with you," she argued, placing a hand on my arm. I jerked it back.

"You don't know what you want. You're 17, and you have bigger things to look forward to without me holding you back. Without me putting you in danger."

"What are you saying, Jasper?"

"What I'm saying is that I put you in this hospital. I may not have been the one to attack you, but it was my fault you ended up here. If it hadn't been for your involvement with me and my family..."

I swallowed hard. "You're young. You'll outgrow me; find in a couple of years that you're destined for something. You'll realize what you want, and it won't be to become a dead vampire thing. You're too young to throw your life away. I won't let you. Look maybe...maybe this was a mistake to be with you."

"No! No, Jasper, it wasn't." Her heart monitor beeped wildly. She was panicking. "No, Jasper, I know exactly what I want and I'm not going to change my mind. You're what I want and that will never change. I don't know what I'd do if you walked out of my life. Don't go."

Guess that ruled out skipping town any time soon. "Bella, calm down. I only said it would be safer if I was away, not that I would leave you. I'm not going anywhere."

I sat on the edge of her hospital bed, put her head in my chest, trying to comfort her. I was thinking about leaving, and more now than ever I was convinced leaving was exactly the thing I should do. It was the only thing that made sense in this convaluted place. It was the sensible thing, but I didn't think I was strong enough to do it.

She wouldn't ever forgive herself for leaving. In time, I knew she'd move on and forget about me, but she'd be a wreck. I couldn't do that to her, even if I knew it was the right thing to do. I had to pretend not to hate staying in this relationship. I had to lie to her, to maintain her sanity, even if it costs me my own.

Bella looked up at me, eyelashes wet. "I'm sorry for making this so hard on you, Jasper. I just don't see why I can't be like you. I'm not leaving anything behind."

"You are so stubborn, aren't you?" Okay, maybe that was mean. "You are leaving _everything_ behind, Bella! A lifetime of experience and knowledge and things like that. You'll be leaving your family and friends."

"But it will be all worth it to be with you. And all those experiences; I can still have them. I'm not leaving them behind."

"No. Don't you see, Bella, how different it will be? It won't be a _human _experience anymore, it will be a vampire one. And thus you ate leaving it behind in your unnatural obsession with the mythological! I'm not going to damn you to the life I've led."

"Are you saying that if you had the chance you'd want your human life back?"

"Yeah, that is what I'm saying. Life would be so much easier."

"But..." she was choking up again. I hated to make her cry. "But then you wouldn't have met me."

"I know. And I'm glad I have, but I miss being an ignorant mortal. I've seen what this race does, and I would never wish it upon anyone. Not someone with so much potential, like you."

"So you don't want me to be a vampire? You don't want to spend your life with me?"

"No. No, Bella, I do. Honey, I do. Just not now. Later, when you've lived your life to your satisfaction. When you've gone thorugh college and had a serious job and seen more of the world. Later years, when you've seen all that you want to in your life."

"But...then I'll be old. Much older than you. Do you want me to grow old and die before I have a change for you to change me?"

"Bella, your age doesn't matter. How you spend your human days does, however. I'm willing to wait however long it takes for you to have a full experience. Just not now. Okay?"

She sighed, nodded, knowing I wasn't going to budge an inch on my stance. "Sorry. I just don't want to lose you."

I laughed. "Bella, you could never get rid of me that easily. I'll be here until you order me away." Isn't that the truth...and against my better judgment too. But hey, whatever keeps her happy.

She smiled at me. "Now go to sleep. I need you to get better so that we can get out of this dreadful place."

"I can't imagine how hard it is for you." She grimaced.

"It's okay. I'll stay here as long as it takes for you to get better. Now sleep." I needed to think...

She closed her eyes and almost immediately began to drift off. Just remder me poweless when it came to beautiful girls I was in love with.


	12. Pretend

disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. it's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Secondhand Serenade. totally not mine!

What seemed like the millionth time since Bella's accident, I was at her front door on a weekend while her father was fishing. We'd come a long way in that time. Bella had just gotten her cast off and everything about her was pretty much healed. Charlie had not even learned of my involvement and thereby was very grateful to me for looking after her.

I was like I was the only one unhappy with my life. Not to get confused, I was very happy because I loved Bella, but I still think I shouldn't be here. Not when the Volturi was obviously a threat. Once they heard what the tracker did, they backed off, but warned us she shouldn't stay human, and to change her before someone gets hurt.

It felt good to be with her, but at the same time it just felt extremely wrong. Like I was obstructing her life, and that she would never be the same again. It was amazing to see her so content--and uplifting that I was the reason why--that I just basically wanted to make her happy. I tried to forget the threats and all the danger she was in. I tried to forget how eager she was for her immortality.

But nevertheless, here I was, grinning at my girlfriend with enthusiasm as I entered her safe haven. She was eating a pop tart at the kitchen table, and there was music playing in the background, a book on the counter that she had been reading.

I recognized it all at once. I was obsessed with this music. I adored the angst in that book. But I didn't know why she would identify with it. "I didn't know you liked Phantom of the Opera."

She swallowed the pop tart in her mouth and then answered. "Oh, I've never actually read it before, or listened to the music. But you like it, and you relate to it so well. You're always referencing to something in the book or play or movie, so I figured I'd see why."

"Have you figured it out yet?"

She shook her head. "Not yet. I'm only on page 76 of the book, and I haven't listened to much of the soundtrack. I haven't watched the movie either. I was kind of waiting for you, if you wanted to watch it."

"Of course. I would never pass up a chance to see the movie. Which version did you get?"

"The 2004 one, with Gerard Butler. Is that okay?"

"It's perfect. Portrays why I connect with it the most. The others don't really follow the story. Except for the 1025 silent black and white Lon Chaney version."

She gave a quiet laugh and started nibbling at her pop tart again, retrieving the movie from where she'd stashed it and put it in the DVD player. We sat down on the couch and immediately she rested her head on my chest, snuggling into my frozen embrace.

I was excited to have her watch this with me. She'd see Christine's naivety, Raoul's feminine, pathetic side, and how broken down Erik really s; how much he just wanted someone to love him and look past his disfigurement. Much like myself here.

Even though Erik died at the end of the book, I always had this strange feeling that the Opera Ghost was immortal. His face was distorted, my body was covered in battle scars. He was in love with a perfect girl and she thought she was too. Until she really knew him, and her childhood friend Raoul de Chagny imposed. Do you see why I feel so strongly towards the movie? Especially since Erik is portrayed as a suave, seductive, sexy man of night. I'd say that's more than a coincidence, right?

Well, I certainly thought so, and I hoped she would immediately grasp it. So then she would know exactly what was going on. But maybe that was too much to ask...

I watched her reactions at certain parts. Where the phantom appeared in the mirror and leads her down to his lair, showed her how much he'd been stalking her. She seemed mesmerized, like Erik was coming out of the tv screen and hypnotizing her. I watched her when Christine tore off his mask and he went off on her. She seemed to be really engrossed.

Most of the rest was boring stuff, free on any kind of drama or interesting phantom-like moments. Just stupid stuff between Raoul and Christine, falling in love, the masquerade...and then the Red Death scene.

It made her face pale a bit as he approached. And then again when Raoul went after him, and the lasso appeared in the mirrored room. Her face wasn't blase anymore after that scene. She grew enthralled at the graveyard scene and then again at the Don Juan play.

Her eyes were wide, mouth slightly ajar, when Erik started to sing Point of No Return. The whole scene was absolutely intriguing and enchanting to watch. You capture the whole essence of seduction in that one scene. That, and the immense love the phantom held in his breast for Christine.

The chandelier crashed, Christine was led down to the lair, and then it was the moment I had been waiting for. The one reaction that mattered the most. The one scene I was hoping would convince her exactly what was going on within; all the turmoil inside.

Erik forced Christine to make a decision; marry him and let her lover go free, or refuse him and let Raoul die. He presented her with the choice, and she thought it through while they sang. Then she kissed the phantom. And he began to realize how wrong it was to entomb her to a life of hell. So he let her go.

By the end of it she was in tears at how sorrowful and depressed the phantom was. "It's horrible!" she murmured. "All he wanted was a modicum of love but he'd give it all up to make her live a happy life. How could someone be that self-sacrificing? She doesn't deserve it. Or him."

"I guess it's all perfect he let her run away. He saw that he shouldn't force her to live that kind of lifestyle, and gave her up in hopen that maybe one day she'd come back for him. He doubted it, but always hoped."

"But she kissed him! She promised to try and love him! How could he pass that up?"

"He wanted her to live her life her way, and not end up depressed, married to a disfigured, immortal man living for the night."

She wiped away a tear from her ivory cheek and sniffled a bit. "If he would open his eyes and see, he would have realized she didn't want to leave him after all. And perhaps would nevere leave him in pursuit of Ja--Raoul," she commented, blushing on the name slip up.

That's how I thought she would percieve things. That I was worried she would leave me for a normal (or seemingly so) guy living in the real world. It was kind of the opposite of what she thought, but I would never actually tell her that.

"Maybe," I agreed with her. "But I guess we'll never know, right? She never came back to see him, for he was rumored to have died." I heard another sniffle from her and she got up to turn off the movie.

It wasn't late in the day, probably about two in the afternoon, and Charlie would be out fishing until later that night. She had the whole house to herself, and I had a pretty good idea of how she wanted to spend it.

By getting carried away. Doing things we could never do when Charlie was around, or else he'd bust a vein. We'd never actually gone _that_ far--I wouldn't allow it in case I lost control--but there's been our fair share of heavily making out. I was getting kind of wary about her wanting to do that with me, and how forceful she was being about the fact she wasn't making a mistake.

"Hey," she said, distracting me as she sat back down on the couch. "What are you thinking about?"

"Just the fact you dad isn't home." I hoped I wouldn't be leading her on or anything, but I guess that was kind of what I had been thinking about.

She grinned at me and leaned in to kss me and before I knew it I couldn't stop. It was as hard for me to pull away as it was for her. While I dazzled her incredibly so, I still felt the pull of her sweet-smelling blood. There was something exceptionally sensual about it that drew me in. I was addicted to the blood coursing throughout her body.

But as the kiss wore on, I suddenly grew repulsed by it. And that was because I realized something. It was like Erik kissing Christine, him knowing he needed to let her go. Give up the charade, because it wasn't safe or moral to keep playing. It wasn't a sane thing to do anymore.

I broke off suddenly, and tried to avoid Bella's confounding stare. I didn't want to meet her eyes, because then she would know that something was wrong. I had to give her some kind of explanation now.

"Look, um, I kind of have to go, but I promise that I will be back before Charlie gets here. Okay?"

She nodded, but I could still feel her confusion. And rejection. I sent a fresh wave of serenity towards her. "Hey, I'll be back. I love you. You know that right?" She nodded again, and I was heading out the door, but then she stopped me.

"Wait! I have a letter for you. Read it and when you come back, give me a responding letter." I took the envelope out of her hands and left.

I was just looking for an excuse to get away from her, to actually think about what I was doing here. And the letter she wrote me was probably going to influence that decision. When I was alone in my room, I tore open the envelope and read away.

'Dear Jasper,

I'm sorry if I have been forcing myself upon you lately. I'm just so scared of losing you. What you said in the hospital has still got me worried. I don't feel like I can hold your attention, and you'll get bored of me.

Maybe it's because I almost died and it's put all our lives into perspective again. But you've been very recluse lately. You won't tell me what's going on. Something in your eyes has changed, and it scares me.

With you, heaven doesn't seem far away. But if I think about it all from your point of view, it seems like you're in hell. And I think I've finally discovered why. You've seen how close I've been growing with Jacob, and it's got you paranoid. You probably think I'm going to realize how dangerous you are and run away from you. That I will suddenly fall in love with Jacob now, and that will be the end of us.

But it won't. As long as you'll allow me in your life, I'll be there. I will always want you the way I do now. I will never love you as much as I do now. And I just want you to know that. Because I feel like you're slipping right on through my grasp and plunging into the depths of depression again. I'm afraid that even though I'm there for you, it may not be enough to keep you sane.

Please tell me what's going on with you, Jasper. I can't bear to be left in the dark any longer.

I love you.

Love, Bella.'

Well, she wants to know what's going on with me...don't wish for things like that. You might regret that once you get the letter I'm writing you, Bella. Matter of fact, pretty sure you'll be upset. Because I know what I want and what I have to do now.

I grabbed a pen from my desk and found a clean sheet of paper and began to write exactly what Bella wanted. I doubted she'd like the words, but I was at least telling her exactly what I wanted.

Then, I sealed it and collected all my thoughts together. I got together a bag and went into the kitchen to talk to Esme, and the rest of the family. Carlisle was thankfully home today, so I could talk to him too.

When I got them all rounded together, I told them what was going on and how I was going to deal with it. Carlisle and Esme understood, and supported my decision, along with most of the rest of my family. Edward was annoyed with me. "Where are you going to run off to this time? Denali?"

"Uh, no. You saw how well that worked out last time," I said bitterly. This time it wouldn't be considered cheating but I wouldn't want to do that with Tanya again. "I hadn't thought that through...I guess I'll just do the Prince Zuko thing and wander around for a bit."

Edward grumbled, but didn't say anything further. I embraced the family--minus Rosalie--and left the house without looking back on all the things I was leaving behind. I made sure I had the letter in my pocket and went to Bella's.

Just as I promised. And even before Charlie had gotten back from his fishing expedition. I rang her doorbell and she greeted me with a hug. I was hesitant about returning it, but decided she would know something was up if I didn't.

"Hey, I was getting worried you wouldn't come," she told me. I swallowed hard.

"I always keep a promise don't I?" I half-smirked. "Um, I kind of have to go back and deal with some stuff, but I have your letter response, like you wanted."

I took it out of my pocket, and handed it over. I gave her a sidelong look, and then I bent down and swept her into a desperate last kiss. Then fled the scene. When she closed the door and was sure she couldn't see me anymore, I crept back and peered through the window.

She didn't immediately open my letter. Instead, she placed it on her kitchen counter and put something into the oven. She set her timer, washed her hands and dried them, and then tore the envelope open. I read the words along with her.

'Bella,

It seems all of these words couldn't be further from the truth. How did I get here? What did I do? Your eyes, telling me lies and making me find myself. While you have your agenda, a life to pursue.

So please let me be free from you. And please, let me be free so I can face the truth.

I'm blind to all of your colors that used to be rainbow in my eyes. Where did they go to? Why disappear? It's hard to be all alone. I never got through your disguise. I guess I'll just go, and face all my fears.

So please let me be free from you. And please, let me be free so I can face the truth.

Put down your world just for one night. Pick me up girl.

So please let me be free from you. And please, let me be free so I can face the truth.

Jasper.'

No 'dear' Bella, or 'love' Jasper. Just plain and simple. Short message, but I got my point across.

I saw her hand shake, tears pooled in her eyes. She broke down, and I had to turn away to ease my own breaking heart. I hated to hurt her his way, but I had to, in order for her to move on. To help me move on and away from thi place. To get over her.

She needed to be with Jacob and not with someone who is holding her back from doing all that she should with her life. She didn't deserve to be stuck in a life of nightmarish hell. She needed to be pushed into someone who will always protect her, not someone who is constantly putting her life into perilous jeopardy.

In time, I knew that she would move in. It might tale a while, but I don't see why she couldn't. Soon enough she'll forget all abou me and the vampire life. She'll be engrossed in her love for Jacob, and will be filled with werewolf knowledge.

Yes, she would move on. I've seen the way that dog looks at her, and as long as he continues that, she will end up falling in love with him. Without me around, there will be nothing holding her back from giving him a shot. And it'll be worth it; he'll make her happy.

And someday, sometime along the road when we've all moved on, I'll come back. And I'll see her, and how happy she is with him, and I won't meddle into her life. I'll just check up, and then be on my way again. But only if I see a joyous scene.

If she's alone, unhappy, and still yearning for my presence, then I'll come back and explain everything to her. I'd hope she'd take me back. That she could still look at me the same way she did before; with love. I'd want her to still love me. If she was sad, I wouldn't back out of her life again.

But until then I was on my way to nowhere. Some place that's full of things to make me forget all about her. A place where I couldn't sit down and contemplate and feel like I was making a mistake by breaking her heart. I didn't know a place that could keep me occupied like that...or did I?

Wasn't it Prince Zuko who, when he disbanded from his uncle to travel on his own, had went on a journey to find the Avatar and bring him down? My avatar is dead, burning incense in a campfire. And wasn't it Prince Zuko who, when he fond his uncle and began to travel with him again, decided to go to the Earth Kingdom and straight into his enemies lair? He was brave enough to face them, and I can too.

So it's decided. It's off to Texas, to walk right into the trap I'd started out in. I was going to track down maria, approach her, and begin to be repulsed with myself again. I would be training newborns to fight, and then killing them when they couldn't learn.

Carlisle would be ashamed of me. But I was not part of their family anymore and he didn't need to worry about me, though I knew he would. He told me he'd call me every once in a while just to see if I was okay, and decently happy. I'm sure Edward would call and tell me I was insane for running away. Alice would call too, to give me an update on Bella.

At least she still had her best friend with her. When I told my family I was leaving, Carlisle asked if they should leave too. But I insisted that they stay. It might be difficult for her to see them everyday, but I think it will be good for her. Alice is her best friend, and I couldn't let her lose the two most important people in her lfie all in one day.

Jacob, who was clearly infatuated with her, would sweep in and help her pick up the pieces. He'd play the part of the comforting friend for a while, but he'd be devising a plan all the while. And when he revealed it to her, she'd fall into his trap and he'd get the girl of his dreams. He's impressive and smart enough into tricking her that way. I knew it wold work, because I knew how his mind worked.

I gave Bella one last look, saw her crumpled on the ground, head in her hands, and I wanted to weep along with her. But I didn't. I valiantly dismembered myself from the scene and started to run. That way I could clear my mind. And also so it would take longer to get to my destination. I didn't want to rush into her deceiving arms, because I didn't know what she was going to do with me. Not until I came there and flt her emotions towards me.

She'd probably be extremely furious with me for leaving her and traveling on my own. I don't think she'd attack me, and if she tried, I'd just manipulate her feeling with my charismatic charm--or my powers, whichever one works first.

I started in the direction towards Texas, knowing exactly how long it would take to get there. I'd be wandering around on my own for a long time, probably three or four months until I actually got up the courage to look Maria up. And then it would take a long tim for me to get over my trepidation of making the journey back home to see my family. And of course Bella.

But I really shouldn't be thinking about that right now. Not about her, because I'd be tempted to turn around and rush to Bella's side again. I'd say it was jut too difficult to be away from her and I'd beg for her forgiveness. But I know it was right to be away from her for a while, if not the rest of her life.

My mind began to drift from Bella and towards this morning's movie, and it's lines. 'Down once more to the dungeons of my black despair. Down we plunge towards the prison of my mind. Down that path into darkness deep as hell. Why, you ask, was I bound and chained in this cold and dismal place? Not for any mortal sin, but the wickedness of my abhorrent face!'

I sighed. I should _really_ stop comparing myself to Erik every waking moment. He wasn't a real character, only a figment of Gaston Leroux's imagination. I needed to stop thinking all these things were real, when really it was the complete opposite. It's highly unlikely he would have ever existed in 1881 in Charles Garnier's Opera House, or hat he would have helped with the designs. I didn't think there was any harm in pretending, but clearly it was affecting my life now.

Influencing my decisions, obstructing my justice, obscuring my thoughts...hypnotizing me with its enticing magic...

I needed to move on. So I let it all go. Jasper Whitlock Hale was left behind, among the ashes of Jame and Bella's tears. I was no longer myself anymore, but a figment of a lonely girl's imagination.

---------------------------------------

So, nobody kill me for making Jasper leave! So I was thinking about the next chapter, and who's point of view it should be in. Do you guys want it from Bella's or do you still want me to continue with Jasper? See what goes on in Bella's life or if Jasper finds Maria or not? Tell me what you all think (:


	13. 0220 Girl

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Suicide Sports Club. Totally not mine!

-Bella's point of view-

The sound of my own piercing scream woke me up, just like it always did. To be completely honest, I didn't go a night without dreaming of Jasper. And to be even more honest, I kind of liked dreaming about him, even though it hurt me.

But today was _not _a good day to think about him. Four months ago today is when he dropped the bomb. Literally. The letter was like a bomb exploding in my hands, its powerful blow knocking me to my knees, noxious gas causing me to tear up. Thinking of him right now would only cause me to relive the scene.

I curled my knees to my chest and rocked back and forth for a minute or two, closing my eyes. I never really spoke to Jasper about anyone. Charlie wouldn't say a single word to me about it, in case I broke down and he couldn't fix me. Jacob would talk about him occasionally, but he knew how much it upset me. I'd ask Alice how he was, but she never knew for sure.

Funny how I could keep a friendship with her. Sure, every look at her and the Cullens sent a searing pain rushing to rip apart my heard and left me with a migraine, but I loved them. I was forced to think of him constantly, and it hurt. A lot. But I was somehow managing with the help of those dearest to me.

Then my alarm cut through my silent reminiscing, and I shut it off, jumping out of bed and into the shower. The seamy water chased away all my ghosts. I stepped out, rejuvenated, and got dressed in light clothing, then headed towards Forks High School.

Everyday when I entered the parking lot, people stared at me as if I was a disease. They all hated me for no apparent reason, but I didn't care all that much to be honest. I shut the door to my Chevy, hugged my bag to me, and found my way to English class.

The class couldn't hold my interest anymore. They talked about too many things that reminded me of Jasper. The books we read, movies we watched…I'd skipped the field trip to New York to see Phantom of the Opera of Broadway. Couldn't stomach it.

My next class couldn't hold my interest, either. The next hour I spent staring out a window at the rain pouring down rather than listening to a life lesson. Same with the next class…and then came Biology.

I dreaded entering the classroom. A part of me always expected to see Jasper sitting there, face lighting up as I walked into the room, like his day just got brighter because of me. But he wasn't there, and I sighed as I sat at the empty table.

The class dragged. It always did that when I was in a bad situation, trying to look forward to something good. Like skipping out at lunch. Ever Monday, Jacob would ride by on his motorcycle and I'd make a break for it. We'd spend the rest of the day in La Push, not doing much but talking.

We talked about a lot of things. Mostly I just listened to him chatter about the newest pack scandal. Who imprinted on who, who got in a fight with who; interesting stuff like that. Stuff to keep my mind preoccupied and away from Jasper.

I could still remember every detail of hid face like he was sitting next to me right now. Honey golden hair, curling in the wildest way. Topaz eyes, accompanied by purple shadows beneath. Milky white skin, cold as a snow storm. His ruby red lips, almost always smiling with blinding teeth. The pale crescent scars, marking him for eternity…

Finally, the bell rang and I scurried out the doors, straining to look for a red Harley Sprint, finding it almost immediately. My face broke out in a wide grin at the sight of Jacob, and I climbed on the back of his bike, wrapping my arms around his taut waist.

Then we were speeding off to the Black residence. At the speed Jacob was going, it didn't take too long for him to park in the garage and lead the way to his comfortable living room which had become all too familiar to me. Almost like my second home.

Jacob had easily become my best friend. He was the one who broke me out of my trance and lifted me out of the darkness when no one else could. In these short four months, I'd grown to know him better than anyone else in the world. And some days if felt like he knew me better than I knew myself. I loved him like I've never loved anyone else.

He handed me a soda and I sipped it gingerly. "What's on your mind, Bella?" I looked up into his smiling eyes, gently prodding me on. There was no need for secrets between us.

"Today was when Jasper and I…broke up," I stated simply, watching his reaction to Jasper's name. He seemed kind of shocked that I brought it up.

He came to sit beside me on the spacious couch. "Does this mean you're ready to talk about what happened?"

I thought about that for a moment. I'd been telling myself for a while that I needed to get over him. And in order to do that, I had to talk about it. Even if it killed me. "Yeah. I think I am."

Jacob whistled. "Well, you've certainly come a long way. So for starters, how exactly did he serve the news to you?"

I swallowed, thinking the words I'd now memorized. "In a letter." I'd carried it around with me for a long time, hoping the words would change. But they didn't. So I locked it in a drawer, full of other memories.

"How did you feel when you read what he wrote?" I could feel my heart beginning to bleed out. But I continued.

"Like my heart was shattering into a million tiny pieces. That I was useless and not good enough for anyone to love. Guilty, because I felt I was the reason he walked away. Sorry that I led him down a path he didn't want to walk down. By all means, horrible."

"I can't imagine the pain," he murmured, then chugged his soda. "So what did you do about it?"

"Well, like any heartbroken girl, I sobbed til there weren't anymore tears left. I became lifeless, like I was in a catatonic state. I tuned everything out, tried to forget he ever existed. And when I realized he wasn't going to leave my mind, I tried to stop the pain."

Images flickered into my mind, like a slideshow. A film in sepia, old and tattered. My most painful of times. I'm sure Jacob remembered it as much as I did.

I shuddered away from the images, looking back into Jacob's eyes, finding what I needed there to continue along with my story. "I found a razor blade, and tried to cut the pain out from me. Charlie found me on the bathroom floor, bleeding, and rushed me to the hospital. Carlisle fixed me back up and prescribed me depression medication."

I knew Jacob had already known I'd tried to kill myself. Everyone did. Forks was a small town, after all. But being the way he is he'd never once mentioned it around me. Never acted any differently towards me. "Then what?" he asked softly, taking my hand in his huge and burning grasp.

"Um, Charlie sent me to a shrink, hoping it would help me cope with it all. I went without complaining to make him happy. But I couldn't confess to the worst of it, so it didn't help very much. Charlie gave up on it and I quit going."

I took a small sip of my soda and looked down at mine and Jacob's hands entwined. "And then you drove in. You were all smiles and warmth. And you acted like nothing had changed with me. Didn't treat me like a fragile human being who had tried to kill herself over some guy. You gave me hope that everything was going to be okay. That's when I started to heal."

He gave my hand a squeeze. "Glad I could help you, Bella. Life wasn't as much fun without you in it."

I chuckled softly. "Yeah, I know. Because I'm the most interesting person on the planet, right?"

"To me you are." His words sounded so sincere.

I withdrew my hand from hid and took another sip of coke. I knew Jacob had feelings for me. Even before all this drama with Jasper, he'd liked me. He'd told me he did, even. Said he'd wait as long as it took for me to realize Jasper wasn't coming back, and that I deserved to be with someone who respected me. Sometimes it made me very uncomfortable to hear him talk to me like that.

I wasn't exactly sure why. He was my absolute best friend. The only person who really understood me. And I loved him with every fiber of my being. But I wasn't sure that I was _in_ love with him. I'm not even sure what being "in love" was anymore. I guess it's possible I had feelings for him, buried down deep, tainted by whatever was left of my heart that still belonged to Jasper.

Just then Billy wheeled himself through the door. "Hey, kids!" he said with a grin on his friendly russet face. "Hope you all don't mind my interrupting. I'll be out of your way in a few."

He found his way to the refrigerator, gathered food, and wheeled himself into the bedroom.

I chuckled a little. This is why I loved Billy. It was a Monday afternoon, and he was acting like it was the weekend. He didn't care that we were skipping school. Said "learning is overrated and school was useless." I sure wished Charlie felt that way…

He wasn't exactly aware I didn't go to school, and I'm sure it would not be a pleasant confrontation if he found out. He liked Jacob a lot, but I don't think he'd appreciate the guy interrupting my learning process. But it wasn't like I hadn't already covered all the material being taught, anyhow.

"Do you wanna go to the garage?" Jacob asked me. I nodded and followed him out the doors. I knew he was eager to finish working on his car. And I didn't mind watching him. I'd even help. By now he'd taught me the names of all the tools. And in my attempt to feel useful, I'd hand the tools to him whenever he asked for them.

That's the way we spent the rest of the afternoon until I had to leave. Food didn't make itself, and I _know_ Charlie wouldn't be in the kitchen cooking anything. He'd burn the house down.

I departed from the Black house and drove back to my own house, beating Charlie home. I got out the ingredients to make lasagna and started on it.

While I worked, I turned the radio on to my favorite station, singing quietly to a Blondie song.

I put the concoction in the oven, set the timer, and sat down at the kitchen table to wait for Charlie. With nothing better to do, I drummed my fingers on the wood table.

The song changed. It was one I'd never heard before. But the words caught me off guard. I straightened up in my seat, listening to the words intently.

'Can somebody help her? Lost and confused. She's been here before, but her mind ain't much use. Forgot what she came for or even why she's here. 'Cause when her eyes, they shut, she's not there, she don't care.

'It's all so easy on your own, 02-20 Girl. It's all so easy on your own, 02-20 Girl, 02-20 Girl.

'Climb your way to nowhere. Might as well stay here. Sit back, relax, 02-20 Girl. So bored, so bored. Don't care to remember the reasons why you're here. 'Cause when your eyes, they shut, you don't care, you're not there.

'It's all so easy on your own, 02-20 Girl. It's all so easy on your own, 02-20 Girl, 02-20 Girl. It's all so easy on your own, 02-20 Girl, 02-20 Girl. It's all so easy on your own, 02-20 Girl, 02-20 Girl.'

I didn't know what a 02-20 girl was, but I liked the meaning of the song.

I sighed when it ended and Charlie's headlights blinded me. He walked in, hanging up his vest, badge, and gun, then poked his head in the kitchen.

"Hey, Bells. What's for dinner?"

"Lasagna." I knew he liked that a lot.

"Sounds good. Was your day alright?" He knew better than to mention the Jasper incident, but I knew that's exactly what he was getting at.

I nodded. "Fine. Pretty uneventful." He smiled a little at me with relief that I hadn't broken down yet.

Soon enough my timer beeped and we ate our food in utter silence. I was chewing thoughtfully and trying to ignore Charlie's stares. No doubt he was perusing my face, making sure I was as okay as I confessed to being. I didn't say a word to him and he didn't take any further questions.

When I was done eating I washed my dishes meticulously while Charlie planted himself on the couch watching some sporting event, After I'd finished that, I ran up the steps and into my room.

I searched around for the key I'd stashed months ago, throwing things on the ground in pursuit of it. When I found it, I held it in my hands, admiring it like I'd struck gold. Then I found the drawer tied together by a padlock, unlocked it, and spread the contents out on my bed.

And array of pictures of Jasper and I together. A notebook of stuff he'd written for me. A plethora of letters. One letter in particular catching my eye. It was tearing, yellowed from being read so much. I opened it cautiously, fingering the words. His handwriting was so perfect…

I read the words over, even though I could recite them my heart. And then I carefully folded the piece of paper up again and moved on to a cd he'd made me. An arsenal of songs we both liked, bands we'd grown fond of, feeling we'd both shared together. Kind of made me sad that I couldn't listen to them anymore. That instead of uplifting my spirits like it used to, it made me want to heave.

I searched through the belonging for a while, remembering times when Jasper and I had been a happy couple. Believe it or not, seeing him used to make all my troubles go away. Now if I saw him, I wasn't sure what I'd feel. Probably a stewpot of emotions, but I wasn't sure which.

A smile crept at the corners of my mouth as I remembered a day that had been completely erased from my mind. A happier time…

I was home from, Jacob's and I was on the couch waiting for Jasper to come over. On the way back, I'd called him in the car, panic leaking through my voice. I'd had to bite my lip to keep from crying.

He burst through the door and I rushed into his arms, salty tears finally escaping from my eyes. I cried endlessly into his chest, staining his light blue button up shirt.

When the tears subsided and I was no more but sniffling, Jasper led me to the couch and asked me what was wrong.

"How could he be so cruel!" I gushed, sniffling again. "How could he say something so mean and heartless to me?"

"Who, sweetie? What did he say to you?" He seemed genuinely concerned.

"Jacob! We were hanging out and everything was fine and then the conversation veered towards vampires. He asked me how I could date a pathetic, dead, statue and I told him it was better than dating a bratty, burning hot werewolf. And he got all pissed off, told me to go to hell. To fuck off and leave him alone. That I was acting like a pissy child and he wished I'd go die."

My voice cracked on the last word and I was on the verge of breaking down and crying again.

Jasper scooped me in his arms. "Oh sweetie! You know he didn't mean it. I bet you anything by the end of the night he'll be calling you and apologizing for what he said." And he sent a controlling wave of happiness my way.

Jacob hadn't called that night to apologize like Jasper said he would. But it didn't bother me, because I was too busy being euphoric to notice. I was cooped up in my room, giggling and trading whispers with the most amazing man alive.

Oh, I wish I had those days back! But they were long gone by now. Never to come back. They ran away. They wouldn't reappear again, and that's something I'd have to live with for the rest of my life.

I quit reminiscing and put the things back in the drawer, fastening it with the padlock and stowing the key away in a safe place for a future visit.

Then I began to pick up my room. It was pretty clean already from a weekend of organizing. There were only a few things scattered about on the floor from my key searching earlier. I picked them up and put them back in my shelf where they belonged.

I wasn't tired yet. It was only 9:30, and I didn't have any homework to keep me busy. There was never anything good to watch on TV, and I'd read all the books I owned a million times.

But I decided maybe I'd read something again. I picked up the first book I laid my eyes on. Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier. I'd never actually read this one all the way through. Renee gave it to me a while back, claiming it was a good read.

I started the chapter, but not too far into it I snapped the book shut with an audible thud. I almost started hyperventilating. Thanks, mom, for the wonderful book. You forgot to mention the dog's name was Jasper.

Moaning softly, I put the book back on the shelf and reached for a new one, making sure no one was named Jasper in it. Jane Eyre. That would do.

I liked that book. Nothing like a gothic mystery to keep you up at night. Crazy ladies living in basements setting fire to people's bed chambers…

I got lost I the book, losing track of time. I didn't realize how late it was until Charlie knocked on my door and told me goodnight. When he left, I glanced at the clock.

11:37?! That wasn't good. It took me forever to fall asleep and at this later hour, I'd be awake until two. Then I'd have another nightmare, wake up screaming around 4:30 and take cold medicine to fall back in bed. Then my alarm would go off at six and I'd be tired and dragging the rest of the day.

Well, it's not like I could just shut off the dreaming. If there was a way, believe me, I would have found it by now. But my life was devoid of any cure to the tremor-sized nightmares. I just dealt with them the best way I knew how.

Most of the time I forgot what they were about once I woke up. But on some rare occasions, they held their place in my brain. That's when I wrote them down in a small notebook I had acquired.

I was really getting fond of writing. Mostly what I did was just blogging and stuff. You know, like writing out feelings in a journal. It's something Jasper had done, and I'd grown a likeness to it, unable to stop the words from spilling out when I was on a rant.

Felt good when I finished, too. It was a sweet release. From experience I knew it did no good hoarding a bunch of emotions in and waiting for them to explode in a bloody mess. It was a relief to get them all out in the open, even if what you were confessing to was a blank sheet of paper in a journal.

And now seemed like a good time as any to write, since I knew sleep would not be coming any time soon.

I opened up the next page, wrote the date, and began writing.

'Four months since Jasper left. Days truly are getting easier without him. Still breaks my heart to conjure up a battlefield of thing that remind me of him, but it's not the same crushing blow it used to be. Much of the pain has subsided.

'With thanks to Jacob. I'd probably be graveyard rot by now if it wasn't for his existence. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. But does that mean I love him? I don't know anymore. Things are getting a little fuzzy over here. Line blurring together. Only time will tell, right?'

I left my muse there, and shut off my light, crawling into bed. I might as well at least _try_ to get some shut eye. Can't fall asleep if I don't try.

To help, I turned the radio on my alarm on softly and shut my eyes, covers rising above my head, plunging me into pitch blackness. Cool and comforting darkness…

My mind was drifting to things I hadn't thought about in a while, and I fleetingly wondered how the Cullens were doing. I'd only ever really spoken to Alice and Edward. And Carlisle on frequent hospital visits. I kind of felt bad abandoning them for Jacob, but something tells me they were surviving just fine without me complicating their existence. I'm sure Rosalie was thrilled that I was relatively out of their lives.

Like I'd expected, sleep was _not_ coming easy. I tossed and turned for quite some time. Must have watched the numbers on my clock turn a dozen different times.

Finally, around 1:30, my eyes began to glue themselves shut and I drifted out of consciousness to my dreamlike state. Time to enter the word of terrifying nightmares.

Time to escape to places where Jasper's eyes haunted me. Where his words were like fists choking me. Him handing me a letter, one desperate last kiss…

Often, so often, my choking scream would awake me. And his perfect face always came attached to it.

----------------------

so, a couple people told me they wanted it in Bella's POV, so here you go! I found a really good story plot attached to her POV, so look out for that. sorry it took a while to get out. my laptop crashed after i wrote almost the whole chapter out so i had to retype it on a different computer. CC please? (:


	14. Breathe

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Taylor Swift. Totally not mine!

I was exhausted. Those words were a major understatement, too. A sledgehammer has found its way towards my forehead, crushing down with all its force. I was swooning, literally forcing to keep my eyes opened now.

But I promised Alice I would go shopping with her. I couldn't abandoned her; not after her wide-eyes plea. Her sad voice confessing how little time I spend with her nowadays. It made me feel immensely guilty. So I surrendered.

I was a bit sulky if I did say so myself. I was wasting a perfectly good Sunday shopping, which is probably my least favorite thing in the world to do. I would much either be in Jacob's safe and comfortable garage right now.

Alice didn't seem to measure my mood. She was chattering away excitedly about some new designer boots she had to buy. Her hand was impatiently dragging me along from store to store.

"Bella?" her impatient but musical voice addressed me, "What is wrong with you?"

I tried to smile. "Just thinking about someone." Jasper this time, not Jacob. And this had me worried. He kept creeping up into my mind. I was nervous.

"Have you heard anything from him?"

She shook her dark head. "Not in a couple of weeks. Really brief. Called to say he was alive and fine, and then in a flash he was gone."

Her icy touch was almost soothing. _Almost_. I sighed anyways. "So he's really not coming back?"

She bit her lip. "I don't think so, honey. I'm sorry."

I focused my eyes on the ground. "It's okay. I knew the answer before I'd even asked."

That was the truth. I was just hoping against odds that maybe he'd miss me a little and take a detour towards Forks. Just to say hello, see how I was doing, then take off. Closure.

But it didn't look like that was happening anytime soon. Almost six months had gone by since I'd last seen him, and he wasn't going to come back. I'd given up wishing we'd be together again. Slowly, I was attempting to get over him.

Really slow process. Half a year and my progress wasn't very smooth, but at least it was going.

"Are you hungry?" Alice asked as we reached the food court.

Not really. But I knew she'd worry about me if I didn't eat, so I nodded and got in line at the closest restaurant.

I ordered something and picked at it, half-listening to something she was saying Emmett did last weekend to Rosalie that caused a rift between them. She wouldn't speak to him for days afterwards. I'd missed the part where she told me what he did.

Finally, we were leaving the mall after a long, tiresome day on my feet. I wanted to crawl in my bed and pass out.

When I got back, Charlie was on the couch watching another game, a pizza box in his lap. He offered it up and I took a piece, waiting til I reached my room to gnaw at it.

I rebooted my decrepit computer and turned on the internet, going straight to my email. There was a short one from Renee, telling me how excited about her honeymoon she was.

And then my eyes discovered a message from Jake. He never emailed me unless it was important werewolf business.

'Bella,' it read,

'Can't spring you out Monday. Sorry to make you endure it. Got some stuff I gotta tend to. Can't make it for Tuesday, either. But Wednesday I can do. Cool with you?

Jacob.'

I sighed. I had to wait til _Wednesday_ to see Jacob? That wasn't very much fun. But I could make do without him, I supposed.

My mouse found the reply button and the keys clanked as I typed out my message.

'Wednesday's fine. Better hope it comes fast, though. Miss you. Tell me what's going on later?

Bella.'

I shut the wheezing computer off and got in my bed, curling up with my ipod and my Jane Eyre book. I didn't finish reading it last night and it was capturing my interest at the moment.

After a while I gave up and shut my lights off, trying to find some semblance of sleep. I'd been dead all day, and now that it's a reasonable time to fall asleep, I couldn't manage to shut my eyes. Go figure.

The numbers on my clock were racing by again, until finally, my eyes wouldn't stay open any longer and I was sleeping.

But also dreaming, too.

It was just another day in La Push with Jacob. We were outside on the beach, watching the waves lick across the sand like flames.

Then it began to drizzle. Quickly the drizzle turned into a torrential downpour. We hurried back into Jacob's house. We were all wet and I was shivering.

And then Jacob's nostrils flared. I turned around and there was the most flawless face I'd ever seen in my life staring out of the shadows.

"Jasper." His name was a whisper.

He continued walking towards me til he was right in front of my face. His icy hand found its way on my arm.

"Bella," his velvet voice cooed. "I'm sorry I left you. But I swear it was for your own good. To protect you from myself. I've never loved anyone the way I have you. And the time I spend away from you didn't change that at all. You're the reason I come home."

I opened my mouth to respond. To tell him how much I had missed him, but no sound came out.

Suddenly Jasper was taking me in his granite arms and his stone cold lips were finding their way to mine.

And it was exactly the way a kiss should be. Perfect amount of sweetness, mixed in with a desperate measure of passion. The kind of kiss that left me reeling.

And when our lips parted and I opened my eyes, he disappeared.

"No!" I was shouting, standing straight up in my bed. A sheen of sweat was drenching me.

I lay back down, burying my face in my pillow, letting tears ooze out.

The dream had been painful. Fantasizing that Jasper still cared about me, still wanted me, but disappearing without an explanation again. The worst kind of fate anyone could suffer through…

I knew after that new nightmare, I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep. Instead, I let my tears keep spilling out. And when it had run its course, I dissected the dream and what exactly it meant. Was it some kind of foreshadow that Jasper was coming back? But…that was impossible! He'd made that perfectly clear.

So…what then? I knew the dream had to mean something but I couldn't exactly pinpoint it at the moment.

Stifling my tears, I got out my dream journal, and began to write out all the details. Then I wrote down some of my speculations. But there was really no comfort in all of this. Already I could tell Monday was going to be bad. And I wouldn't even have Jacob there to comfort me.

The hours passed until it was time for me to get up and make my way towards another lovely day at school. I got ready in a rush, throwing on a random shirt and a clean pair of jeans and heading out the door. Charlie stared at me in horror at my haste, but I didn't stop to explain.

I felt like I was stifling in the house. Needed to get out and take a drive.

I reached the school parking lot just as the bell rang and I headed off to Mr. Berty's. I really hoped we were not doing something boring. My mind was stuck on Jasper and my wounds were throbbing.

The pain was coming back at full speed, making it extremely difficult for me to even breathe without his presence. I was imagining the best way I could when Mr. Berty came into view, carrying boxes of composition journals.

"Class," he informed us, "we are going to be starting on a new project." He unloaded the notebooks and passed them around the classroom.

"Each day, I want you to write in this notebook. It can be long or short, but make sure it's real, and not fantasy. You can write about anything you like, but keep it appropriate, because I will be reading them," he warned.

The girl in front of me handed me a notebook and I took it from her, placing it on my desk.

"You can write it in various formations. Like a journal entry, a letter to a friend, like a novel or poem…And every Friday I will collect them, and take a grade for it. You will receive it again on Monday and repeat the process over. This starts today."

So I had to think of something to write in this journal? And it didn't matter what; so long it was appropriate and not make-believe? Well, confessing my ex-boyfriend is a vampire and my best friend is a werewolf is out.

Something on a personal level, but not quite _that_ personal. Joy. Cause Mr. Berty is _exactly_ the person I wanted fishing around in my brain!

This was frustrating. But yet, an easy assignment. Not hard for me to write down my feeling anymore. I'm sure once I get started, I won't be able to stop.

But what should I write about? A lot of the thing I usually journal out would seem to him to be fantasy. After all, I doubted he believed in the existence of mythical creatures living here in Forks. The topic was the tricky part. The rest I could deal with.

As I pondered today's entry, I coasted through the rest of my classes, eager for them to be over with. I don't think I heard a single word any of my teachers said. I was too focused on other matters. And grumpy that I couldn't be with Jacob right now.

All in do time, I told myself, wishing it was Wednesday. But it was only the end of Monday's school day.

With as much enthusiasm as I could muster, when the final bell rang I jumped out of my seat and sped home in my truck. I didn't know what I was rushing home for, but Charlie's house sounded better than a school parking lot.

Just as I was unlocking and entering the door, the phone began to ring. I put down my keys and walked over to answer it. "Hello?"

"Bella! Hey, it's Jacob." I swallowed a major lump in my throat. Something wasn't right. I tried to maintain my cool anyways.

"Hi. What's up?" my voice ended up coming out strangled.

"Oh, I was just calling to tell you that I could make it tomorrow, after all."

My mood suddenly piqued. "That's great, Jake! What was so important you had to bail on me, though? Sam making you work double shifts?"

Silence on the other end of the line. Then a rustling noise. Jake cleared his throat. "No. Uh, this had to do with…Jasper."

My head began swirling, mired in confusion. Jasper? _The_ Jasper? Jasper Whitlock Hale contacted my Jacob?

"He, um, sent me a letter from Texas. Kind of brief, but he asked me to do something for him. Regarding you."

"Oh?" I tried to keep my voice light and disinterested.

"Yeah. He wants me to give you a last letter. Something like an apology."

So he wanted to apologize for deserting me. Why now, six months after the incident? Why not months ago? Why does it even matter? I wasn't going to forgive him. At least I didn't think I was.

That damned fraying edges of my heard came back. Hysteria rising. I was starting to hyperventilate, not being able to breathe without him again.

Then I remembered Jacob was on the other line. "Okay," I said slowly. I was still having trouble breathing. "I could use your support."

"I'll be there, sweeties. Pick you up at lunch."

_Click._

There goes my life. There goes all sense of normalcy I thought I'd gotten back in my life. One mention of him trying to contact me, and I crumble like the ashes of cigarettes.

I didn't know what to do. Bile was rising in my stomach, massive tremors in my hand, brain refusing to focus on anything. Mouth like cotton balls, ears ringing…almost as if I was on lithium again.

Then I opened up the composition notebook, biting my lip to keep from crying over him again. A letter to a friend?

Okay, Jasper, here's your last letter. My apology.

'I see your face in my mind as I drive away cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way. People are people, and sometimes we change our minds. But it's killing me to see you go after all this time. Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie. It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see. Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down. Now I don't know what to be without you around.

'And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. And I can't breathe without you, but I have to. Breathe without you, but I have to.

'Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. But people are people and sometimes it doesn't work out. Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

'And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. And I can't breathe without you, but I have to. Breathe without you, but I have to.

'It's two am, feeling like I just lost a friend. Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me. It's two am, feeling like I just lost a friend. Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me.

'And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. And I can't breathe without you, but I have to. Breathe without you, but I have to. . Breathe without you, but I have to. '

How's that for honesty, Mr. Berty? Hope I get a good grade on that because I practically just bared my soul. I'm sure he knew exactly who I was talking about, too.

Should I be bothered by the fact Jasper sent me a letter? That maybe it wasn't so hard to believe he actually did still care about me a little bit? He had the decency to send an apology my way all the way from Texas. It was six months overdue. But it as the thought that counts, right?

Texas? What could he possibly be doing there? I knew that's where he was born and all. But what reason did he have for going back? He grew up in the 1800s. Everyone he knew is dead and buried.

I felt the blood slither from my face. Maria, the woman who changed him, was probably still living in Texas. He'd gone on a journey to see _her?_ Did he have _any_ self-confidence left?

So one thing goes bad in his life and he's convinces he's a self-loathing monster? That he belongs back with ruthless people? He deserved so much more than that!

For what seemed like very long time I sat at the kitchen table. Not seeing anything. Not hearing anything. Only thing I felt was the ragged edges of my heart finally tearing apart. Bleeding out. Internal bleeding. A hemorrhage of the worst kind.

Time had no meaning. I was in a trance for who knew how long. But Charlie came home. I didn't have the guts to look at his reaction. I'm sure it was bad.

He rushed to my side. "Bella? Honey, what's wrong?" He shook me slightly.

I let my breath out with a small whooshing sound, realizing how much it was trembling. I swallowed hard before responding.

"Nothing. Just didn't get much sleep last night. Really tired. Think I'll head on to bed now." My voice sounded monotonous; purely lifeless. I dared a sneak at Charlie, who looked completely shocked.

He recovered quickly, though. "Okay. I can manage dinner again tonight. You head up, Bells. You aren't looking too good. Go get some rest."

I nodded minutely and walked up the steps slowly, still dazed and somewhat out of it. Mind still refusing to process the information Jacob had delivered.

The other half of me was being sawed in half. Ripped apart with my own hands. Seriously, like ice cold hands being ripped into my heart.

I was curling into a ball, squeezing my torso tight as I could, hoping that would keep the pieces together.

I was trying to get over him. Trying to find my way back towards happiness. And then he had to impose. Why? Why does he keep doing this to me? Turning my life upside down? I was rushing headfirst towards the ground. Drowning.

_As if the words were crashing over, like roiling eaves crashing over my head. Lungs filling with seawater, choking scalding, as salt burns. It pulls me down, deep blue, gags me as it's scarfed down. The aquamarine water is cool between my fingers, calming as my lungs burst. I'm running out of air. My burning eyes close, letting oxygen release. Suddenly, I'm in a cotton caress—dream-like state—and dead. Most certainly dead._

That's how I felt. Water was trying me down. Bound and gagged. Finding my way straight towards the bottom.

What was I going to do? Would I even have the courage to open up the letter and read what Jasper had to say?

I winced as I thought his name. He was hurting me now than ever. Almost as bas as when he first left. It was like I needed to cut the pain out of me again.

As a reflex, my fingers traced the cutting scares I'd acquired. Marks from my steel lover, trailing its hot and scarlet kisses up and down my wrist. Remembering its sharp sting.

Wouldn't do anyone any good if I tried to kill myself again. I'd just be running away from my problems as usual. But I didn't think I could handle the words. Who knows that they'd say?

Bella, I still love you, would you take me back?

Bella, sorry I had to end things the way I did, but I couldn't lie any longer?

Bella, the thought of you repulses me but I feel guilty for you trying to kill yourself?

Who knew the way I was going to react?

Well, I was tired, and I knew Charlie would be checking on me soon enough, so I attempted to fall asleep.

It didn't take me very long. Wasn't long before I starting having nightmares, either. The same one as last night, where Jake and I get rained on. And we go inside just to find Jasper, who confesses his undying love to me. Then kisses me and disappears.

Still screamed my lungs raw like the night before. At least I kind of knew what it meant now. Stupid foreboding nightmares…

I cowered in the darkness, breathing heavily and squeezing my eyes shut tight. I tried not to cry for the millionth time.

Then I gave up the need for sleep and headed for a scalding shower. Must have stayed in there for a long time. The heat drained from the water and Charlie was banging on the bathroom door. I knew he was going to be cross with me.

I shut the water off and wrapped a soft yellow towel around my body before exiting the bathroom. I dried off and got dressed in blue jeans and a plain grey shirt. I slipped on Vans, pulled my wet hair back into a pony tail, and descended the stairs to the kitchen.

Pop tarts were already in the toaster for me and I drummed my fingers on the counter waiting for them to get done. They popped up, and I put them on a napkin, escaping out the front door before I could have a confrontation with Charlie.

My truck wheezed its way to Forks High, and stuttered to a stop in its normal parking space. I climbed out of the Chevy, walking towards the school's entrance, when I heard the deafening roar of a motorcycle.

My head turned in the direction of the sound, recognizing the candy apple Harley making its way towards me. I let out a laugh and shook my head.

The motorcycle stopped before me and Jacob's bright face grinned at me. "Thought I'd save you from four boring classes. Billy's not home and Chief Swan's got police business to attend to out of town. What do you say?"

I rolled my eyes. Like _I_ would choose school over my best friend. "I'd love to spend the day in La Push with you, Jacob Black."

His grin stretched even further. "Good. Hop on."

I got on the back of his Harley and we sped off down to the Quileute reservation. He stopped the bike at the cliffs on the beach and sat down.

For a while we watched the waves crash over the rocks, sitting in stunned silence. Then Jacob reached into his pocket and handed me a crumpled envelope.

Jasper's letter. My palms broke out into a clammy sweat. Could I have the strength to read it?

Jacob must have read my expression. "You don't have to open it now. Or ever, if you don't want to."

I shook my head wildly. "No. I think I have the right to know what it says."

I slid my finger on the opening and took the letter out, but hesitated to unfold it. My eyes slip closed and I took a deep breath.

"One, two, three," I whispered to myself. Then, quickly before I could change my mind, unfolded the letter and began to read its contents.

--------------------------

hope you liked. the paragraph in italics is part of a poem i wrote a couple weeks ago. i thought it fit in nicely. thought i'd go ahead and get this one out there too since i'm gonna be gone this weekend. enjoy. no Jasper yet, but i promise he will be back chapter 17.


	15. Apology

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Alesana. Totally not mine!

'Bella,

My sincere apologies for all this chaos I have put you through. I never meant to hurt you the way I most obviously have. I thought I could be strong enough to let go of all my insecurities, but it seems those tries were all in vain.

I don't know if you are even reading this. I don't know if you've moved on like I meant for you to, or if you're too furious with me. I'm not sure of anything anymore. Except for this: I did love you.

There was a time of inexplicable bliss between us. But after James tried to kill you, something inside me just snapped. I had the biggest sensation to leave you behind and search for something greater. To finally embrace my destiny.

I think that's what my relationship with you was about. My realization of who I am. All of these years I've been fooling myself—trying to be something I'm not. And I couldn't take it anymore.

Look, I know what I've done to you is unforgivable. I get that; I didn't come fishing for your approval. I just wanted you to get the facts straight. I apologize in full for how much I hurt you—physically and emotionally.

Sorry I couldn't find it within me to love you back.

Jasper.'

I closed my eyes and breathed heavily. I could feel my hands shaking as I folded the letter up and placed it back into the envelope.

"Maybe I shouldn't have read it," I whispered, ashamed at the tears leaking over the edge. I didn't want Jacob to see me cry over him.

"Bella, baby, it'll all be okay," he soothed, burying my face in his chest. I sobbed harder.

Why me? Why did Jasper have to go and fall in love with _me?_ Why did I have to fall back? It was all just a set up so he could keep himself amused until he found out who he really was. And then he abandoned me, with all his false apologies resonating in my brain.

Love isn't supposed to be this hard. It's supposed to be wonderful and powerful, not full of pain. Not the way Jasper's caused me eternal pain…

I tried to control my sobbing. It didn't work. Tear, cold and foreign, kept gushing out as Jacob's bare skin glistened wetly. Until now I hadn't noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt.

"Bella, Bella, honey, you're fine. It's okay. Don't let him get to you. Don let him win—rob your soul and take away your luster. I hate to see you suffer this way."

Through the tears, I managed to squeak out a message to him. "He's never gonna stop haunting me, is he?"

"Maybe not. If you still believe his lies he fed you, he'll always stay with you."

My crying came to a halt and I lifted my head off his chest to look at his eyes. What was he implying?

"Bella, you need to move on and get over him. You need to be with someone who won't leave you the way he did."

Oh. That's where he's headed with this. "You mean someone like you," I whispered.

He licked his lips nervously. "Yeah, that is what I mean. And I know I told you I'd wait as long as I needed to, but you don't seem to have any intentions of letting him go. Leave his cold corpse behind and be with someone who cares about you."

I flinched at his words, shaking my head. What he was saying made perfect sense. But _could_ I get over Jasper and fall in love with Jacob? It seemed entirely impossible at this point.

"Jake, I told you I don't have feelings for you. My emotions are not going to change overnight."

Anger flashed in his eyes. "No, Bella, you _are_ in love with me. You're just too stubborn to admit it, much less realize it. Your precious bloodsucker is still on your mind."

Now it was _my_ turn to be angry. "Jacob Black, how the hell do you know what I really feel? You can't read my thoughts. Quit fooling yourself."

"I'm not!" he shouted, tremors beginning to wrack his body. If he didn't calm down, he'd be transforming into a red-brown wolf right in front of me.

He took level breaths, shutting his eyes. "Look," he told me, "I don't think you should still be in love with Jasper, that's all."

"Who said I was still in love with him? After reading the letter he just wrote me, with his stupid false apologies, I'm furious. I'm so mad at him for what he did to me. Revenge sounds pretty good right now…"

Something in my mind began to stir. Words forming, rising, waiting to be written down and remembered.

"But that's not enough for you to love me back, is it?" Jacob insisted. "He's holding you back."

No he wasn't. Nothing was holding me back. I just didn't want to be with him. I just don't feel the same way he does.

Jacob looked at me with so much intensity; I felt a shiver down my spine. Something fluttered inside my stomach. Butterflies?

Were Jacob's words true? Was I really in love with him but was too blind sighted by Jasper to see it? I'd suspected that before. Last night all my thoughts had been centered on that theory.

So if that were true, wouldn't I want to be with Jacob? And even if it wasn't shouldn't I at least try to make things work instead of automatically giving up on love?

As I peered into Jacob's eyes, the tingle in my spine grew. It was like a sensation to touch him…to kiss him.

Images of a kiss fluttered to my brain, but then the picture shifted. It became my one last kiss with Jasper as we lingered in the doorway. I spat on the ground, suddenly furious again.

I needed to get rid of his false beauty and seductive lies. Now. I had to try, for Jacob's sake.

Words bounced around in my skull again and I got up off the bluff to receive my composition journal for English class.

I brought it back to where Jacob was sitting and opened to the next page.

"Bella, what are you…?"

I shushed him and concentrated on memories of Jasper. Emotions I'd felt when I was around him. Convincing myself I was no longer a slave for his perfection. The only way to get over denial is to broadcast my tragedy on paper.

I chewed on the pen, trying to organize all my thoughts.

"Bella…" Jacob tried again, but I silenced him with a sharp look.

"Jacob, I have to write something. It's the only way to get over Jasper. I have to tell my story. Give me a few moments to summarize it all, okay?"

He nodded, surprised at my words. A tale of how I'd been seduced by a vampire? Hardly seemed appropriate. More like a take of how I'd fallen for a guy's lies and how I wish he'd die because of it.

Thoughts organized, pen to paper, I began to broadcast my tragedy.

'Sweat drips in my eyes. Screams of lust we cry. Tonight you are everything. You're everything. You're everything to me. No more as I wake from this perfect dream. I'll escape from Eden's walls. I can not stay and live this lie, for I must think only of myself. And to think that you would not be scared or surprised if I had severed all these ties. This is the end.

I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight. Help me get over you.

I feel so numb to see this bitter end of beautiful illusions. Broken pieces will not mend to save our past now. It has come to this one last kiss

I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight. Help me get over you. One last false apology. Help me get over you.

Now we must let go. Urgency overwhelms me as I must restrain my flood of tears. I refuse to be slave to your false beauty again

I'll lose myself in anguish for tonight. Help me get over you. One last false apology. Help me get over you.

In my mind, blood drips from your eyes. A beautiful last goodbye.'

I read over the words, confident that I could be strong enough to let Jasper go if I really wanted to.

Jacob's hot breath tickled my neck, and I twisted around to see his expression. He looked at me with utter longing. And strangely enough, I had a desire to work things out with him for both our sakes.

"Bella…" he whispered. "Do you mean every word you just wrote down?" Worry furrowed his brows and brought a crease.

"Yes. I do," I said with conviction.

"Even the last part, about blood dripping in his eyes."

I sighed wearily. "Yes, Jacob, that part too. Look, it's not uncommon for people to think that way. Most of us never act on our imagination, though. It's not like I could kill a vampire anyway."

He shrugged. "Fire usually does the trick." I rolled my eyes.

"Well, it doesn't matter. I'm not gonna kill him, much less ever see him again."

Jacob's arm slunk around my shoulders and I pressed my cheek against his burning chest.

We sat there for a good long while, watching the ocean tide ebb and flow. Feeling the wind tousle our hair, smelling the brine, pungent and strong. I loved this beach and everything it stood for.

After a while, I leaned back and lay down on the cliff, staring up at the cloudy sky. The angry storm clouds covered up the peaceful blue serenity. But it calmed me.

I was daydreaming about things, letting my mind wander towards magical places in the sky. I'd forgotten all about Jacob's presence. That is, until I felt his fingers caressing my cold cheek.

His warm touch brought me back to my senses. I looked back at him, grinning. "Hey. I'd forgotten all about you."

He feigned being hurt. "Ouch! Dagger in my heart. You just killed me." He slumped over on the ground next to me.

I giggled. He could be really funny sometimes. "So…did you have something planned for today, or were we gonna lay here on the beach for thirty hours?"

He smirked at me. "We could ride motorcycles, you could help me fix Embry's car. We could race around in my Beetle, cliff dive, just chill back at the house…whatever you want."

I thought about the choices for a moment. "Motorcycle racing sounds perfect. I need something to get my adrenaline flowing. Besides, the wind feels great.

"Okay," he laughed. He revved up the engine and I climbed on the back, prepared to enjoy the ride.

He twisted for more gas and soon we were flying through the streets, hair flying in a twisted frenzy, eyes stinging. The blurring speed felt great.

He turned a sharp corner smoothly and the rust felt great. My veins were sizzling; I was in such a great mood I almost forgot my troubles. _Almost._

But the problems arose. Only this time, because I was calm, they didn't seem like a threat. Not even impending doom dangling overhead. I knew exactly what I was going to do, too. Forget Jasper ever existed, forget the past, remain living in the present. Make the best out of the situation I have.

It was the only thing that made sense, right? Jasper clearly didn't want to come back and be with me, so there was no use in pining over him. And I had a great guy right here, and I shouldn't let that go to waste. If I felt the butterflies I did earlier, I knew I wouldn't have any trouble making it work.

I was so busy reveling in the feel of the wind in my face and solving my problems, I didn't even know Jacob had spoken to me. It was only when I felt the bike tipping that my senses were alert.

The street was slick from the rain last night and it was a sharp turn. As good as Jacob was on motorcycles, I knew we were going to wipe out.

"Shit," Jacob muttered, trying to keep the bike under control, but it was no use. We were falling.

I hoped I wouldn't be seriously hurt. Like, splattered on the side of the road or anything. After all, we were going fast and I definitely didn't fit into the good luck category.

As we tipped over, I could feel the cement under me skinning my bare arms. It sung, and I was sure bits of gravel would be stuck in it. Jacob toppled over me, smoldering me under his sweltering body, suffocating and crushing me under his weight.

But I didn't mind. It kind of felt…good. It shocked me how his body molded perfectly to mine. I looked into his eyes with a surprised expression.

He stared back. Then he started laughing, and I joined in cautiously. Our eyes never gazed away.

His hand shot up to brush my hair out of my face. "Bella, are you okay? Did you get hurt?"

"A few scrapes and bruises. Nothing I can't fix." Unlike my broken heart, I thought. I bit my lip to keep from saying something I'd regret.

"That was insane, right? The speed was sensational! If the road hadn't been lick, I would have nailed that curve."

"Yeah, the speed felt really good. Extremely relaxing. Helped me clear my mind."

The light in his eyes changed. They looked strange; tense and kind of anxious.

Suddenly, I started to feel really uncomfortable. Sweat started to trickle down my neck. Was it just my imagination?

My eyes left his in a flurry and I struggled beneath him. "Um, can I get up? You're kind of crushing me."

He smiled softly, then got up. "Sorry. Tend to forget you're a fragile little human."

I sat up on my elbows, wincing as I felt the pain. Jacob examined my arms. "They look shallow. I've got peroxide back at my house if you don't wanna take another trip to the ER."

I cringed. "Let's not risk Charlie finding out. Me skipping school to ride motorcycles with a guy alone probably isn't something he's going to overlook. We can go back to your place. But not yet."

"Not yet? Bella, it's gonna get infected—"

"I have to talk to you," I interrupted. He seemed taken aback by my abrupt urgency. He covered it up well.

"Okay. Do you wanna go back to the beach?"

I considered that. "Okay. But let's walk back. Don't wanna crash this time. I might die."

He rolled his eyes. "I only crashed because the street was wet." He picked up his Harley and walked it. I followed along.

We weren't speaking, but thinking. I could tell by the concentrated expression in his face. He was probably wondering what I had to talk to him about. But he didn't press for information. And I wasn't going to tell him til we got back to the beach.

I wondered how far we were from the beach. How long we'd have to walk to reach our destination. Judging by the pace we were going on Jacob's motorcycle, I'd say we were a ways back.

"Bella, I'm sorry if I hurt you earlier talking about Jasper. It's just frustrating to see you waste all your time on a dead guy who abandoned you. Especially since I'm here, and I won't ever hurt you."

"I know," I whispered. "Jacob, these things take time. I thought Jasper and I would be together forever. That we'd finish high school, move on to college, get married and maybe one day he'd change me. I knew his thoughts weren't on me towards the end. I saw the tension in his eyes. But I thought it was because of my accidents and the things we said in the hospital."

Fresh tears sprung to my eyes and I swallowed hard. "What was said?" Jacob pressed softly while we continued walking.

"He confronted me about something I said in my sleep. He lost it, telling me he wouldn't let me throw my life away from him, that he wasn't going to stop my heart.

"Then he went on a guilt trip, saying if he hadn't gotten involved with me, I wouldn't have ever ended up in the hospital. He kept saying I was going to outgrow him, and I was making a mistake wanting to be a vampire."

A tear trickled down and I hastily wiped it away. "He started talking about human experiences I would be leaving behind, and that he wished he'd never become a vampire, that life would d have been so much easier. I could see the doubt in his eyes when he told me he'd be there until I ordered him away."

"Bella, if you think it's your fault he left—"

"Isn't it? I forced my opinions on him. I put stress where it wasn't needed. My actions landed me in that hospital. It had nothing to do with him. I don't know…I just feel like I caused us to grow distant."

He sighed and put an arm around me, pulling me closer to him. "Blame doesn't do any one person good, Bells. Don't dwell on it. The past is the past. You can't go back and change it. And you can't think what could have been. Cause you'll be stuck with a lot of regrets. And everything happens for a reason, even if you don't know what it is."

His words made complete sense. And I would have believed them before…but I don't see the point of so much heartache. I don't see the point of Jasper leaving me here in this town.

As if reading my thoughts, Jacob spoke. "You ever think the reason for Jasper leaving you brokenhearted is so that you would find me? That he knew I'd make you happy and he wanted you to move on to someone he trusted?"

My head snapped up to look at him. "Is that why he told you to he left?"

"That's what it says in the letter."

More tears managed to prickle their way down and this time I let them free flow. I didn't want to move from my comfortable position.

Comfortable? Well, I supposed I was…I supposed things had always been comfortable and easy with Jacob. Kind of like breathing air. Effortless. I hadn't really noticed how good it felt to stroll down the street with him while his arm was around me.

"Oh." I tried to sound indifferent, but a hint of hysteria came out instead. My lips quivered, trying to stop more tears from finding its way outside of my eyes.

"Hey. I didn't mean to upset you…" His arm left my shoulder and fell down to lace our fingers together. I didn't struggle.

We turned a corner. The beach wasn't so far away now. Hmm…either we had been walking really fast or we hadn't gone as far as I thought o Jacob's motorcycle.

"I know you didn't mean to. It's okay. Really."

He smiled softly at me. "Okay. Just wanted to make sure. I know what he still does to you."

I nodded absentmindedly and bit my lip. I didn't want to talk about Jasper anymore. He was making my head hurt. Or maybe that was just the fall. I didn't know anymore.

We made it back to the cliffs and Jacob set his Harley down gently, then sat down on the rocks. I joined him. Automatically, our fingers molded together.

He breathed in deep and closed his eyes. "It feels good to be with you like this, Bella. If only you could form some kind of commitment."

_Don't waste your breath, Jacob Black. I can't ever make you any promises._ "I know you might not hurt me, but I could break your heart. And I don't want to do that."

"And I'll gladly accept it without regret. Bella, if I at least got to know what if felt like to be romantically involved with you, I'd be very happy for the rest of my life."

A lump rose in my throat and I couldn't swallow it away. "I don't know if I have the strength to be with you, Jacob."

He put his long arms around me. He kissed the top of my head before responding. "I get it. These things take time. Just promise me you'll keep an open mind, though, okay? And if you ever change your mind about us…"

"You'll be the first to know," I said softly. I felt his rigid body begin to relax.

I closed my eyes and imagined the ocean water dancing towards me, covering me in its cool, wet feel. That comfortable feeling it gave me…almost carefree. Just like being with Jacob.

For what seemed like the tenth time today—though I'm sure it was only more like five—we lapsed into silence. We just dreamed of how wonderful it felt here together. Light. Perfect. No pressure, no strings attached.

That's what I wanted from Jacob. I wanted to maintain this carefree demeanor. Would a relationship embellish that bond of trust or would it bring forth a tension and pressure I was sure I didn't want to live with again? That might be one of the biggest reasons why I was holding back so much.

Jasper was the most obvious reason. But I wasn't finding it so hard to surpass my feeling for him at the moment. He really didn't want me. His letter said so. That's what "sorry I couldn't find it within me to love you back" meant, right?

I wasn't afraid of getting hurt again. I knew Jacob wouldn't ever break my heart. He loved me too much. Taking risks and chancing an unwelcome change was hard.

Maybe that was the real thing holding me back. Maybe I was just too afraid to change. Well, that would all change soon enough.

---------------------------

haha so nobody get mad at me about oncoming chapters! i'm typing up the next one now and some of you might get extemely pissed. but i promise the book will end up the way you all want it to. well, you're lucky i'm getting this out too cause i have a lot going on...fighting with a few people, trying to get hooked up with friends for Monday, and my dog having siezures. so enjoy!


	16. Temporary Insanity

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Alexz Johnson. Totally not mine!

The day didn't seem to be getting any older. I glanced down at my phone. It was only been three hours since Jacob picked me up from school. Almost afternoon.

I was glad it wasn't later than I thought. I didn't want to go home just yet. I wasn't ready to go see Charlie and pretend to be happy around him. Spending time with Jacob was the only thing that kept my mind in tact. If I left him, I'd probably fall apart from everything that happened today.

My scrapes stung and I thought about getting up and going back to Jacob's house, but I didn't. I was warm and comfortable here, besides my raw flesh pulsing with pain.

"Bella," he murmured. I liked the way he said my name. It rolled off his tongue like it was the most beautiful name he'd ever heard in his life. Like he cherished me more than anything.

Droplets of water fell on my head. I looked at the angry sky, surprised at how covered by rain clouds it was. A loud crack of thunder rumbled in the sky. Furious rain pelted down.

I let out a soft yelp at its power. It was freezing, and I was getting drenched. Jacob grabbed my hand, helped me up and we ran back to his house. Then realized we left his Harley so we sprinted back to put it in the garage.

Then we burst through the front door, laughing hysterically and dripping wet. We ran into the kitchen near the sink, wringing out our hair.

I looked at him, a twinkle in his eyes as he bit his lip to stop laughing. His eyes fell down to my shirt and I felt self-conscious. I was wearing a white t-shirt that I'm sure was see through at this point.

He brought his eyes up to mine and I blushed beet red. I was so embarrassed, but I didn't want to put my jacket on. And then I shivered.

"Are you cold?" He seemed amused.

"I can't believe that you're not. It's freezing cold rain." I shuddered again and he wrapped his russet arms around me.

"Space heater to the rescue." I let out a shaky laugh, and then gasped as I began to warm up. But also because I saw the steadfast desire flashing in his eyes.

I sat my butt down on the counter, feeling Jacob's warm body mold to mine. And before I knew it, Jacob was dipping his head down towards mine and his lips were on mine. They tingled with ghosts of desire and passion.

It felt so right. It wasn't demanding. It was a lingering, sweet, kind of hesitant first kiss. Perfectly executed. It continued on, and became somewhat heavier. His hands found their way to my waist, pulling my wet shirt up so he could touch my bare back.

My hands instinctively locked into his glossy black mane. The strange tingling feeling rushed up my spine. My legs wrapped around his own waist, pulling him closer to me.

Then he tore his mouth from mine and pulled them down onto my rain-slick neck. My senses were coming back to me and I was feeling a bit flustered; ashamed Jacob and I had kissed, even though it was an ethereal moment.

I let my legs disentangle themselves from his waist. "Jacob…" I said uncomfortably.

His lips left my neck and pulled back til his back was facing me. "Bella, I'm sorry. I—"

"It's okay," I whispered. "It wasn't bad. I just…my scrapes are really hurting." I hoped he wouldn't recognize the lie in my voice. Half-lie. Thy _were_ hurting, but that wasn't the reason why I stopped him.

"Okay." His body went rigid. "I'll go get the peroxide."

I bit my lip. I knew I'd probably hurt his feelings, but I was shocked. Not by the kiss—I knew that would be coming sometime—but by the _intensity_ of it. Did he _really_ want me like that? Should I doubt his word of commitment? I didn't _want_ to, but I wanted to know what the kiss meant. A heat of the moment thing or a forever promise?

Words bubbled in my mind.

_What just happened? Did you kiss me? Cause that's a place we've never been until now. And I don't know how it's gonna be after this. Do we pretend these feelings don't exist at all, or do we fall? My confusion shows whenever you get so close. I stumble, I stutter, forget what to say. I'm nervous; I wonder why I'm acting this way._

Jacob came back with a bottle of peroxide and cotton swabs for me. He drenched the swabs in the strong smelling liquid and lifted my arms. "It's gonna sting. Lucky for you, I'm a werewolf and don't feel pain easily."

I smirked a little but it didn't seem funny. I gasped in air as the peroxide touched my open wound. My grip tightened on Jacob's forearm. I winced as it burned straight through me.

"Sorry." He laughed a little. I whimpered, which caused him to laugh harder.

He swathed more peroxide on the swab and touched on the worst of my skinned flesh. I cried out at the burn. If I thought this was bad, imagine how painful changing into a vampire would be.

That sent Jacob into hysterics as he cleared up my wounds. "Jacob Black, this is _so_ not funny!" But I was laughing along with him in a shaky breath.

"Yeah it is. Silly Bella…" I bit my lip and shook my head.

"Annoying werewolf…" I taunted back. He feigned being hurt.

"Oh. _I'm_ the annoying one? Riiight." He grinned at me.

"Come here," I told him, embracing him in a hug. His hand stroked my hair and a surge of adrenaline shot through me.

_It's temporary insanity. What's going on with you and me? Is it real or is it fantasy? Forever or just temporary insanity?_

"I really am sorry," he whispered in my hair. I sighed, pulling back to look at his sullen face.

"I know you are. It's okay Jacob." He looked in my eyes for a lie, but couldn't find one.

"Really?"

"Really." I tried to smile convincingly.

"But you don't want me to do it again," he accused. I sighed, suddenly exasperated. "That's okay. At least I know things are this way. Ignorance may be bliss, but it's childish. I'd rather know than play the 'what if' game."

"Jacob, it's not like that."

"I said it was fine," he snapped, but I could tell it really wasn't. "I'll go get your jacket in the garage. You look cold," he mumbled, departing.

How easily frustrated I am. I wanted to talk to him about _why_ I wouldn't allow him to kiss me. Inform him my concerns. Talk our problems out instead of being immature and running off whenever we get mad. Not naming any names…

Jacob came back, handing me my jacket and I gladly slipped it on. "You should be heading back home now. It's almost the end of school, so you have an excuse to go home."

"I don't wanna leave," I told him truthfully.

"Sure you do, Bella." I followed him outside as he kick started his Harley.

"I need to talk to you about what's going on with us."

"There's nothing going on. You made that very clear." The engine purred. "Hop on," he instructed.

I sighed, but did as he said, thinking as we stormed the streets in silence.

_You made a moved and changed your mind. Too much to lose, you've crossed the line between friends and something more. Was it all a big mistake? And if it was, it's much too late to undo. And I don't really want to let you go, but I still don't know how I feel about you, what this really means. It's crazy to want you. Is it meant to be? _

Sinuously, we moved across the road, blurring images passing me. The drive seemed less than the usual 15 minutes, but maybe it was just because Jacob was so eager to get away from me.

I felt really bad about hurting him. I honestly didn't mean to, but he wouldn't let me explain. I was trying to apologize, but he wouldn't listen to me. Being stubborn and pigheaded. Just like he usually is.

Whatever. I'd tried to talk to him. And I will again now that he's at my house. Charlie's not home and I really don't want him to leave things in these awful terms.

I got off the back in his Harley, but didn't let him drive away. "Jacob, I really need to talk to you about it."

He shrugged. "Why? There's nothing to talk about."

"Yes there is. Let me explain why I don't ant you to kiss me again."

"I already know why."

"Oh really?" I let my sarcasm flow thick. "Then why, may I ask?"

"You just don't have feeling for me. I get it. You're still clinging to Jasper. But it's okay. At least I know what it feels like to kiss you. At least I know that you tried."

I closed my eyes, trying to maintain my calm. He shouldn't be so self-righteous. He doesn't have all the answers. I can't believe he'd jump to conclusions that way!

_It's temporary insanity. What's going on with you and me? Is it real or is it fantasy? Forever or just temporary? It's temporary insanity. What's going on with you and me? Is it real or is it fantasy? Forever or just temporary insanity?_

"Jacob Black, would you just listen to me for five seconds? I didn't ask you to stop because I don't have feeling for you. There's no doubt in my mind that I feel _something_ between us. I just don't know what that is yet. And I don't want to rush anything until I know what that is."

His expression softened and he touched my arm lightly. "What do you mean?"

"Why did you kiss me?"

"Bella, are you blind and deaf? I love you. What other explanation is there?"

I squirmed at his touch, a little embarrassed of what he'd think of my next words. "You didn't just kiss me because I was wet and my shirt was see through?" I pulled my jacket tighter to me just in case.

"Bella, I'd be lying if I said your body didn't tempt me. I'm a teenage guy; what do you expect? But that isn't why I would kiss you. If it was, I wouldn't have been so upset about this."

That's true. He wouldn't have caused such a scene. "I just don't want to get led on when there's nothing there."

"I know what you mean. But I promise you, this is for real."

My stomach lurched. For real? Not just temporary insanity? A real promise for the future? Maybe Jasper's leaving did do some good after all.

_What you do to me…what comes over me? If this is crazy there's nothing I'd rather be._

_It's temporary insanity. What's going on with you and me? Is it real or is it fantasy? Forever or just temporary? It's temporary insanity. What's going on with you and me? Is it real or is it fantasy? Forever or just temporary insanity?_

"Does that mean you think we have a future together?" I asked.

"I don't know what the future holds. Unlike Alice, I'm not gifted with premonitions. But if we try, we might have a future. I'm willing to take the risk. But the question is: are you?"

I chewed on my lip. _Was_ I? When I'd been together with Jasper, I'd always thought we would get married someday. And with Jacob, who knew if things would get as serious as that? Was it really worth it?

"You think we could work well together? I mean, you wouldn't like, break up with me in a week, would you? Or a month?" A relationship with him would be pointless if that's what happened.

"Somehow, I have a feeling that I'll love you as much as I do now for a very long time. Add that with my extreme optimism that we can make this work, and I think we have a recipe for success."

He grinned, but then his face grew serious. "But only if you're willing." He joked again, "How long did you and that leech date? Six months? I think we can aim for longer than that, don't you think?"

By the way he spoke, I had no doubt in my mind we could find the strength to stay together. He was perfect, and it was clear he loved me as much as he said he did. It was ever present in his eyes.

I was ready to plunge off the deep end. "Well, Jacob Black, if you're willing to commit, then so am I."

We grinned at each other with elation for a moment until I pulled him in my arms. Then I stretched onto my tip toes and our lips touched.

It was like fireworks being set off. Truly breathless. There was really nowhere I'd rather be.

_Losing my mind, losing my mind, losing my mind. Losing my mind, losing my mind, losing my mind._

I shivered and Jacob's arm wrapped around me as I led him into mine and Charlie's house. The sky was getting dark and I didn't realize how later it had become.

Jacob dialed a number on his cell phone and I could hear Billy's voice through the speakers. Jake told him what was going on and that he wouldn't be home. Billy sounded purely ecstatic for us.

When Jacob got off the phone, I groaned, sticking my head in the fridge for ingredients. "What?" he asked.

"If that was Billy's reaction, just imagine what Charlie's will be like." The thought alone frightened me. He'd set a sense of permanent euphoria!

Jacob thought about that too, and laughed. Then he helped me boil water and put pasta noodles in it. While we waited for the noodles to cook, we kissed again.

It was something different from any other thing I'd ever experienced. Different from Jasper's kisses, but I enjoyed them just as much.

He laced his fingers through mine as we sat on the kitchen counter waiting for Charlie's appearance. Soon enough his headlights flooded the driveway and his car door was being opened and shut.

I took a deep breath as he plunged through the door. "Bells?" he called to me. "There's a motorcycle in our driveway."

"Yeah, I know. Jacob's over."

He peeked his head in the kitchen. "Hey, Jacob. Nice of you to keep Bella company while I was gone." He glanced down at our hands clasped tightly together.

I cleared my throat. "Yeah. Well, Jacob's going to be spending a lot of time over here from now on." A grin erupted on my face.

At first surprise washed over Charlie, and then he was smiling warmly back. "Oh. Well, that's god news. Does that mean you're over _him_ this time?" He knew better than to say Jasper.

"Getting there." Relief swarmed his eyes.

"Good then."

We sat down to eat the pasta and then Charlie went to the couch to watch another game, leaving Jacob and I alone. I checked my cell phone for the first time, shocked by my four missed calls—all from Alice.

I hastily called her back. "Where have you been, Bella? Your future disappeared. I was worried about you. Usually it comes back when you're done hanging out with Jacob, but it didn't come back."

"That's uh, cause I'm still with Jacob."

"Oh." Disbelief colored her musical voice. "What's he doing with you so late?"

"Jacob and I are together now."

"Like…he's your boyfriend?"

"Yes, Alice."

"Well…I didn't know you felt that way about him."

"I didn't either. At least, not until I stopped thinking about Jasper."

"So you're over him now?"

"He's not coming back, Alice. It's time to stop pretending like he is."

"Just be careful, Bella. Werewolves are dangerous."

"Not any worse than you are. But thanks for the warning. I gotta go." I hung up, rolling my eyes.

"Alice being difficult?" Jacob asked. I nodded. "Well, Sam wants me to go do some patrolling, so I have to run."

"Will you come back later tonight?" _And climb through my window, spend the night with me? _He nodded and I escorted him out the door, ignoring Charlie's 'I told you so' expression.

I headed up to my bedroom and turned on my old, small white TV. I turned the tiny DVD player on and the song California by Phantom Planet came on.

Lately I'd become engrossed with The O.C. and how dramatic their lives were. How unlike my life it was; drugs, alcohol, partying, and boy trouble down in sunny Orange County, California. It was the most interesting thing I'd ever watched.

I was watching the episode where Trey tried to rape Marissa while Ryan was in Vegas. I watched as he assaulted her on the beach and she hit him in the head and escaped. I was _so_ glad my life wasn't like hers…or anyone else's on the show, really.

A scratching noise came from the window and I jumped up to open it as wide as it could go. By this time Charlie's lights were out and his soft snore drifted through out the house.

Jacob came soaring through the window, landing with a soft thud. Charlie's snore stuttered a little, but he continued to sleep across the hall.

"Hey," he whispered, hugging me. "What were you doing?"

"Watching The O.C." I sat back down on the bed and pressed into him.

I was getting sleepy from our adventures earlier that day and I was beginning to dose off against his chest. And that amazed me. Usually it was extremely difficult to fall asleep until the early hours in the morning. I'd have to get used to this…

The show's voices sound garbled and images became blurry as my mind started to drift off. I could feel the serenity as my mind started to drift off. I could feel the serenity of hot arms around me as I lay down. My mind welcomed it instead of retaining the cold, stone embrace that I used to love.

I was drifting off now, warm and tingly. And instead of the day Jasper left me that I usually dreamed about, it was a completely different scene this time.

Tonight, I didn't even see Jasper's face. His name wasn't spoken. It was all Jacob, all the time. Him and his pack…

We were gathered around a campfire, food galore and myths being said. Flames were dancing on our faces as we all huddles together in unity. There was a total sense of family among us—the whole Quileute pack had accepted me with open arms. Even the imprints were nice to me.

I was listening to the legend of the first spirit chief and the struggles the tribes had. The hatred as the Cold Ones tore apart their town and murdered the townsfolk. A shudder rippled through me, because I had almost forgotten vampires lived that way. I was so used to the vegetarian life, like the Cullens were…

It made me despise the creatures; gain a distaste for them. I became ashamed I had ever dreamed of becoming still and white. Embarrassed I was willing to sacrifice my humanity to a life where I thirsted for blood. All because I wanted a family.

But here, under the orange sparks, I found what I was looking for. That family who cares about everyone, sticks up for others, helps them with their problems. They had their dysfunctions and imperfections, but they were all very close to each other. That's what I was searching for. That's what I wanted. That's where I belonged.

And I certainly did fit in with them. They were all great people and I found myself getting along with them easily. I could see a long friendship stemming from my frequent La Push visits. And that comforted me. It was almost as easy as being friends with Jacob…being _more_ than friends with Jacob. For only the second time in my life, I was completely happy.

The kind of happy that radiated. The kind you could see in my face, hear in my voice, see in my actions, sense in my mood, writings, and music. Euphoria was all new to me, but it was exciting, and I liked it.

And as I woke up in the morning, a new reality began to set in. I'd dreamed last night. Dreamed and woke up fully refreshed—a combination that never happens.

I became even more shocked as the cobwebs cleared from my head. I didn't wake up last night. No nightmares, no waking up screaming my lungs raw…was Jacob curing the depression in me?

I'd almost forgotten about my past relationship with Jasper. Jasper who? He was the last thing on my mind for probably the first time in my life. And it felt damn good.

------------------------------

haha, okay, so no flares please at the Bella/Jacob stuff. it will not last very long. Jasper's coming back in the next couple of chapters, i swear it. once i get over my little writers block i have, i will get to writing the next chapter. i've been so busy with school and helping my best friend and his girlfriend and stuff, so i haven't had much time to let my mind wander towards Twilight land.

bear with me? hope you liked.. *bites lip*

-Hailee


	17. Let Me Sign

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is performed by Robert Pattinson, but written by Marcus Foster and Bobby Long. Totally not mine!

Here's the thing about routine: you get used to it. And when it changes, you don't know what to do. You get attached, and you can't let it go. I've experienced it once, now I was about to feel it all over again. For so long I'd had a routine. I'd get up, go to school, wait anxiously til it was over, then go to Jacob's, spend time together doing things. Come back so I could cook for Charlie, wait til he was sleeping til Jacob could climb through my window, spend time together doing things.

I wasn't a slut. We never went _that_ far, but it was difficult not to get caught up in the moment around him. We threw all caution into the wind. Because Jacob wasn't a vampire, it meant he didn't have to be cautious the way Jasper had been with me. And I enjoyed the spark of danger in my life.

You know, I was really happy. Jacob was more than I could ever ask for. He respected me. He made me laugh. Brightened my day. There was never a dull moment with him. We fought about the smallest things, but ended up laughing it off and making it up with a kiss. He'd kept his promise so far to never hurt me, and I appreciated that.

The setting was now night. I had a cd on low and was writing in my journal for Mr. Berty's class. School was almost out, and my pages were coming to a close. About a month ago, he had confronted me about them.

_"Bella, the passages you write about are so raw and real; full of emotion. The passion in this is astounding. Have you ever thought about a career in writing?"_

_My face flushed at his words. "Um. Not really. I mean, I only write to release emotions and stuff. I don't try hard enough."_

_"I think you could publish some of this stuff if you wanted to. It's spectacular."_

_"Oh. Um, thank you. I'll keep that in mind."_

Yeah, um, I don't think so, Mr. Berty! No chance in _hell_ would I _ever_ publish anything that could be traced back to Jasper. I didn't want him to know how he leaving had affected me. I don't think I wanted _anyone_ to know the way I had felt.

It's not like I don't feel it now. It's just not conscious anymore. When I think about it, I miss him and what we had terribly. The hole starts to throb. But most days I don't get it at all. I can hardly register all the reasons I'm supposed to be angry with him. I'm too blind sighted. But I definitely count that as a good thing. It meant Jake was doing his job at his distractions. If only everyone could see how happy he was making me…

I sighed. "Everyone" being the Cullens. I know they love me dearly and only want what's best for me, but they aren't exactly accepting Jacob as my boyfriend. So I can't really talk to them about much anymore. I mean, it's not like it was before. I think they don't really imagine me with anyone but Jasper. But alas, that ship has sailed.

I felt my phone vibrating next to me and I set my pen down to answer the call from Alice. "Hey. I haven't talk to you in a while."

"I know, it's been ages!" She gushed. "Look, we need to catch up, Bella. I miss you. So, what do you say? Edward, Emmet, and I are going to lunch tomorrow. You want to join us?"

As long as it's a drama free day, sure. "Yeah, it'll be good to catch up with yall. I'll make sure to be there."

"Good!" She marveled. "The Lodge, three o'clock good?"

"Sounds great. Bye."

"See ya then, hun."

I hung up, feeling sort of confused. Why am I going to lunch with three vampires who don't eat normal human food? I snorted, shook my head, and closed my journal, placing it under my bed.

It was getting late, and Jacob would be over any minute now. The last thing I wanted was him to be reading over my shoulder. Not after the huge fight we had last time about if I really mean what I wrote. That wasn't the highlight of my day, and I didn't want to relive it.

"Hey, Bells. Whatcha doing?" Jacob asked me as he climbed through my two story window and under my covers. Thank god he was a werewolf and didn't run the risk of killing himself falling out of my tree.

"Just got off the phone with Alice. I'm meeting her and the boys tomorrow to catch up. It's been a while since I've hung out with them."

"That's because you were spending your time with me." His eyebrows creased, worrying if he was keeping me from my friends. That wasn't entirely it. They weren't being supportive. And Charlie made his feeling very clear he'd rather me be around the Blacks rather than the Cullens. Personal vendetta.

"Jake, stop worrying. They shut me out. It wasn't you."

"I don't want you to exclude them from your lives because of me, though. I mean, they had you first."

"They did, but I would rather spend my time with you. They give me too much grief." I laughed and he relaxed a little, giving me a blinding smile.

I nestled my head in the crook of his shoulder and he wrapped his warm arm around my waist. Another perk of having a werewolf as a boyfriend—they run a 109 temperature, so they always keep you warm. Unlike vampires, who freeze you to death. Not that I was complaining or anything…

"How's my girl doing today?"

"Good," I mumbled against him. "School's almost out and I only have to take two of my finals. It's been an easy coast. But I missed you."

"I wish I could say the same. I gotta take five of mine. Ugh. School is _not_ my thing."

I giggled. "Well, maybe if Billy didn't let you skip so much you'd be smarter."

"Are you calling me stupid?"

"Hmm, I don't know. Am I?" I looked up at him with an amused expression. He shook his head and kissed me.

"You're silly, you know that?"

I snuggled up against him more. "Mhm. But that's how I like it." My lids fought with me for sleep, and I dreamed blissfully until Saturday morning.

When I woke up, both Jacob and Charlie were gone. And it was only 11; too early to get ready for my lunch date. So I picked up a book off my shelf and got lost in its poetic words for the next two hours.

Then I got ready and drove to our meeting spot. Naturally, the Cullens were already there, grinning at me behind a booth. I slid in place next to Alive and tried to answer the millions of questions being thrown at me.

"What's up with you?"

"Are you still dating that dog?"

"Any new books to suggest?"

"Still living with Charlie?"

"Seen your mom and Phil lately?"

"Has my brother tried to contact you again?"

I chuckled. "Whoa, whoa, slow down. One question at a time, please! Nothing much is up with me. Yes, I'm still dating Jacob. I recommend the Blue Bloods series; it's got some great vampire mythology in it. Yes, I'm still living with Charlie. No, I haven't seen then. And no, I have had no contact with Jasper as of late."

"Duuude," Emmett drawled out, "did she just say _Jasper_? Holy fucking shit, she _is_ over him! Congratulations!"

Edward, Alice, and I gave him a weird look. "What?" he asked. "I'm proud of my Bella baby for forgetting about evil Jazzykins."

Alice snorted. "_Jazzykins?_"

Emmet grinned hugely. "Yeah, it has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

Edward punched him lightly on the arm. "I thought I was the only one who was allowed to have 'kins' at the end of my name."

"Don't worry, you're still my Eddykins. No, wait, my Eddypoo? Wow, you have _way_ too many nicknames, man!"

"Hmm…Wonder whose fault that is…"

I laughed at them. "No, seriously, though," Emmett said, "you're over Jasper, right? Moved on to that Jacob guy?"

I smiled at him tentatively. "Yes, I am. Jacob is more than I could ever ask for. He makes me forget all about Jasper."

"So, if Jasper just randomly showed up right now, you would be okay?" Edward asked.

I raised an eyebrow. Is he implying something that I should know about? "Umm…" I said after a minute, "I don't know exactly what I'd do. I'm not really angry with him anymore, but I don't know how I'd react, what to do or say…"

He nodded, then Alice spoke up. "What do you see in that guy? What could possibly be so much better about him than my ex-husband? You've lost your mind, Bella. I want the girl who was in love with Jasper back!" And she stormed off, leaving me bewildered.

"Is that another way of saying she wants me to try and kill myself again?" I asked quietly.

"No," Edward responded, equally as soft. "She just doesn't understand how you could move on from him so quickly."

"She moved on from him pretty fast." Edward pursed his lips, remembering.

"She had no choice. You are Jasper's soul mate. You two belong together. So she gave him up."

"Funny. If we were soul mates, he wouldn't have skipped town because of me."

"He made a huge mistake," Emmett said. I turned to him.

"Is that what he told you? Well, he has a great way of showing that, now, doesn't he?" He hasn't shown his face here for seven months. Looks to me like the decision was final."

Edward's phone rang. "It's Jasper. Do you mind?" he asked me apologetically.

I rolled my eyes. "No, go for it." Emmet placed an icy hand over mine.

"Don't get upset, Bella. Alice is just overreacting." I nodded, then listened to Edward's phone conversation.

"Uh, I'm actually with Emmett and Bella at the moment…Okay, so what do you want me to do about it?" Anger flashed across his face. "Have you lost your mind? No, I won't do that for you." His lips pursed and golden eyes narrowed. "Do it yourself…Well, I don't know. Figure it out. I have to go." And he hung up, turning back to us.

"Well, Bella, you probably want to get back home, huh?"

"Yeah, I do. You and Emmett can come over and hang out, though, if you want."

Emmett got a big, goofy grin. "Of course! It's better than listening to Rosalie mope about her problems."

Edward chuckled. "Yeah, and Alice took the car. She wants to be alone, so it works."

We all got up, and I drove my truck home, listening to Emmett insulting his brother the whole way. I'd almost forgotten hoe fun he was.

For a while, we sat on the couch and joked around. I hadn't had this much fun with them in a long time. Then Emmett's eyes gravitated to his phone and he cursed. "What does Jasper _want_?" And he went into another room to take the call. That left me and Edward alone.

"So, uh, did you mean what you said about Jasper back there?"

"What part?" I asked, not particularly wanting to talk about it.

"When you said you weren't mad at him."

"Yeah, I did. For the longest time, I was. And then I got together with Jake, and I forgot all the reasons I had to be angry wit him. I forgave him. But if he were to show up here, I don't know, I guess I'd be polite, but I wouldn't really want anything to do with him again."

He nodded thoughtfully. "So you'd catch up with him?"

"Yeah. I'd be nice about it, and if I'd run into him or something I'd say hi and stuff, but I wouldn't want to get close to him again."

"Why not?" I could tell Edward wasn't judging, he was just curious about what's been going on with me. He can't decipher my thoughts, after all.

"I don't know what would happen. It's like one of those things where as long as I'm away from him, I'll do fine. But I'm afraid that if I let him back in my life, all those feeling I worked so hard to let go of will come back, and I'll end up broken hearted again."

He nodded. "That's very understandable. Well, I don't know if this Jacob guy is the right person for you, but just from spending an afternoon with you I can tell he's made you a happier person. And that's good enough for me."

I leaned over the sofa and gave him a tight hug. Tears started to spring into my eyes and I sniffled. "Are you crying?" He asked in amazement.

"Yeah, I am." I laughed weakly, then looked into his topaz eyes. "Everyone is against Jake and I except for our fathers. Your whole family, his whole pack…It's nice to have a little support behind my decision for once."

"Well, I'm there for you anytime you need me, Bella. No matter what."

"Thanks. I appreciate that."

Emmett came bounding in the room, closing his phone, holding a wrinkles piece of paper and muttering about something. He sat next to me on the couch and handed me the paper. I looked at it, confused.

"Uh, Emmett, what is it?"

"Jasper told me to write it down for you. Just read it."

I turned the paper upside down and sideways. "Uh, how am I supposed to read this? It looks like a dying rat wrote it."

Emmett rolled his eyes and snatched the paper from my hands, beginning to recite from it. "She was standing there by the broken tree. Her hands were all twisted she was pointing at me. I was damned by the light coming out of her eyes. She spoke with a voice that disrupted the sky.

"She said 'Come on over to the bitter shade, I will wrap you in my arms and you'll know you've been saved.' Let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.

"I was out for a drink in a Soho bar. The air was smoked out liked a cheap cigar. She rose out of her seat like a painted ghost. She was the woman that I wanted the most. As she reached for my arm I gave her my hand.

"I said 'Lay me down easy let me understand.' Let me sign, let sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign.

"As I walked through the door she was still in my head. As I entered the room she was laid there in bed. She reached out for me all twisted in black. I was on my way down, never coming back.

"Let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign. Let me sign, let me sign, can't fight the devil so just let me sign."

He let out a huge sigh. "Phew! That was a lot of reading!"

I was swarming with confusion. I looked up at Edward's face, shocked to see he was angry. "L—let me sign?" I stuttered out. "What does that mean?"

Emmett gave me a blank stare. "Dude, I'm just the translator. You expect me to understand all that romantic mumbo jumbo?"

I almost choked. "R—romantic? What?"

He gave a huge sigh and rolled his eyes again. "I think he wants you to give him a chance to explain and stuff. He wants to show you he deserved a second chance, and you're the only person he wants to be with."

"That's enough, Emmett!" Edward scolded slightly. But somehow I thought it made it even more frightening.

"I thought you didn't understand 'romantic mumbo jumbo,'" I teased. He shrugged his shoulders.

"I'm married to Rosalie."

"Eh, point taken." I chewed on what Emmett told me he thought it all meant. The words somehow meant he still loved—or at least still thought about—me, but his actions belied all of that. How was I supposed to understand what Jasper wanted out of me?

"You want my advice, kiddo? Silly questions, of _course_ you do! Emmett wants you to forgive the heck out of the guy, make up with him, and live happily ever after."

"Okay, Emmett, why are you talking in third person and I thought you said Jasper and I were domed from the beginning."

"Yeah, and I completely take that back. Look, those rare moments I even saw the guy, he was depressed as hell, even with an awesome wife like Alice. And when he met you, everything changed. He started playing music again. He wrote happy things. He didn't seem as bothered as he usually was about being a vampire. When he left, he made the worst mistake of his life and he wishes he could take it back and start over."

I snorted. "Did he tell you to say that?"

"He might have said something like that to me, but no. That's my personal opinion. You should think it over, little sis."

"Little sis?" I inquired.

"Yeah, you're practically family to me. You let my commentaries run." His phone started buzzing. "Yesh?" Then he handed it to me.

Knots formed in my stomach. Was Jasper on the phone, waiting to tell me all the reasons why breaking up and skipping town was the worst possible thing he could have done for me? "Hello?"

"Bella!" I gave a sigh of relief. It was only Alice. "Look, I realize I shouldn't have done what I did earlier. I'm sorry if I offended you in any way."

"That really hurt, Alice. Jacob isn't the monster you make him out to be. He's different than Jasper in a lot of ways, and that's why I like him so much. In needed a change. It would be nice if you didn't judge him so quickly."

I saw Emmett nudge Edward. "Since when did she learn to defend herself against Alice?"

They gave each other a look. "Jacob," they said in unison, and then Emmett started talking again. Did he ever shut up?

"I'm kinda liking this dude. Brings out the sassy Bella."

"I know. Bella, I'm sorry! I was just upset because I'm so used to you and Jasper together and I guess I won't let that image go," Alice said.

"It's okay, Alice. I guess we all have to get used to it. Talk to you later?"

"Sure. Love ya! Bye."

I handed Emmett his phone back. "It's getting late. We should go," Edward informed me. "See you around, Bella."

"Sure. Thanks for everything."

I saw them out the door, then started on dinner for Charlie, who was sure to be home any minute now. I excused myself after I got him a plate, saying I wasn't hungry, but I was tired from being out all day. He swallowed my excuse and I got my journal out form under my bed as soon as the doors were shut and I was in my room.

_Today had to be the most awkward and confusing day ever. Alice is upset I like Jacob, Edward thinks it's a good thing for me, Emmett thinks I should take Jasper back, no questions asked, and apparently Jasper thinks he needs to prove himself worthy of me again._

_But what I'm having a hard time understanding is why this is all suddenly going on. Why people are trying to sway me their way all of a sudden when Jasper has been gone for seven months and Jacob and I have been together for three. It's as if they all know something's going to happen._

_Well, whatever it is, I already know what my decision is—exactly what I told Edward I would do. I simply refuse to hand out my trust like that again where it could be handed back in another one of his letters. This has gone on too long. The madness has got to stop…_

I closed my journal up and put it back under my bed as I heard Charlie clomp up the stairs. He poked his head in to say goodnight and left me alone.

Then I got a text from Jacob. 'Have a nice time w/ cullens?'

'For the most part. Don't really wanna talk about it right now, though. I'm tired.' I texted back. I wasn't tired—not really. I was just using that as an excuse. I had to think.

'That sucks. Take it u don't want me to come over then?'

'Not really. Wouldn't be a very beneficial visit. Sorry.'

'Its cool. I'll just run xtra shifts 4 sam. I'll let you sleep now. Night.'

I contemplated texting him back goodnight, but instead I plugged my phone into the charger and turned the ringer on in case someone needed to get a hold of me in the middle of the night. I was a pretty light sleeper, but I didn't think the vibration would wake me. Not unless I held it up to my ear or something.

I closed my eyes and let my mind wander. Over today, days with Jacob, nights with Jasper, fun times at the Cullen mansion, miserable days at school, beautiful times in Arizona…It was like I was perusing through my autobiography. Flipping through pages, faster and faster as I came towards the present and it all stopped, and lingered on the words Emmett had spoken.

Not the whole thing—I'd be crazy if I could actually remember all of that—but bits and pieces; snippets that stuck out.

_She said "Come on over to the bitter shade, I will wrap you in my arms and you'll know you've been saved."_

Did that mean as long as he was around I was safe from hard? Haha! Hardly! Since he'd been gone, nothing had tried to kill me. I was beyond safer without him.

_She rose out of her seat like a painted ghost. She was the woman that I wanted the most._

I was too perfect for him? But he wanted me anyways? Right. I was too perfect from someone who second guessed everything they did. And, uh, I wasn't something to be claimed.

_She reached out for me all twisted in black. I was on my way down; never coming back…can't fight the devil so just let me sign._

So I was the devil now, dragging him to hell? Funny, I thought it was the complete opposite…

Just then I heard a rustling outside in my tree and something touches my window, but I didn't open my eyes. "Jacob, I thought I told you I was too tired for you to come over."

I heard a throat being cleared. "It's not Jacob," a voice said.

My eyes shot open like wildfire. I knew that voice! Smooth, rich, almost like honey. I turned my attention towards the window and the man stepped out of the shadows. I gasped at the image. "Jasper?"

--------------------

sorry it took so long to get out! i had some trouble writing it, and then i had lots of stuff to study for and a lot of things going on with family. but it's summer now, and i have all the time in the world to work on this project.

hope you liked this chapter! i wanted you to understand what the Cullens think about Bella, and how they show their concern and opinions for her. i hope it wasn't too much of a disappointment. oh, and i told you Jasper would be back soon enough!

Delilah, to answer your question, this is still a Jasper/Bella story, but i've got a long road ahead til they get back to the way they were before he left, so for a while it's gonna be some Jacob/Bella. okay? (=


	18. Time Is Running Out

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Muse. Totally not mine!

-Recap-

Just then I heard a rustling outside in my tree and something touches my window, but I didn't open my eyes. "Jacob, I thought I told you I was too tired for you to come over."

I heard a throat being cleared. "It's not Jacob," a voice said.

My eyes shot open like wildfire. I knew that voice! Smooth, rich, almost like honey. I turned my attention towards the window and the man stepped out of the shadows. I gasped at the image. "Jasper?"

He grinned sheepishly at me. "Hey there, Bella." His voice was soft.

I studied his features, comparing them to all the images I had stowed away inside my memory and all the pictures I saved of us together. It never seemed to me that he was more beautiful now than ever.

And all my instincts melted away. Everything I thought I would say dissolved. My body itched to run into his arms, give him the biggest hug I could manage. I wanted to mold myself into his embrace again. And I fought the urge, and I could tell he was doing the same.

"What are you doing here?" I finally managed out.

"Coming to see you. I thought it was appropriate for me to apologize and catch up with you. It's been seven months, and I'm sure a lot has happened since then. I have a lot to talk to you about."

"Okayyy," I drawled out, motioning for him to sit next to me on the bed, "So talk."

He sat down hesitantly. "What did you do while I was gone?"

I crossed my arms over my chest. "I'm here to listen. You fill me in on the pieces first."

"Don't you wanna ask me any questions?"

"Nope. Just talk."

He looked at me weirdly. Usually I grilled him about information. But not tonight. I was not particularly comfortable with this return.

"When I left you, I decided to go to Texas and find Maria, if she was still living. I searched everywhere, found her in Tijuana, Mexico. She was glad to see me, and asked if I was staying. I told her I night for a while, but that I had changed a lot since I'd left her. She said she had too.

"It wasn't very much fun in Mexico, having to stay in the dark of night all the time. I'd grown accustomed to my new habits. I spent a lot of time catching up with her, and telling her everything that had been happening, and how I left you. She nearly chewed me out on that one.

"She said, 'Jasper, there is a girl you left broken hearted with nowhere to turn. You destroyed her life. I know you have your reasons for leaving, but you have to give her closure.'

"So I called up Edward, who refused to help me out, saying I got myself in this mess and I could dig myself out without any help. But Emmett told me you were hanging around Jacob Black a lot, so I called him from a phone booth in Texas and sent you an apology letter. Did he give it to you like I asked?"

I nodded, willing him to go on with the story. He leaned across the bed and placed a hand over mine. The coolness of it shocked me, and I sat there staring at it a moment before slowly withdrawing mine from his.

"Sorry. That was too forthright." I smiled a little, but it didn't reach my eyes.

"Honestly, Bella, after I sent the letter I thought I would hear from you, and I was going stir crazy waiting around. I finally decided to call Edward again and ask about you, and he gave a pregnant pause. Then told me, 'She's trying to move on without you. I wouldn't wait around any longer.'

"'What does that mean?' I asked him. 'That she's moved on?' I got this terrible gut feeling. I wanted you to be happy, yet I couldn't bear the thought of sharing you with someone else.

"And Edward paused again. 'No, she hasn't moved on,' he told me. 'She refuses to move on. She stays in a numb world, hoping you'll come back. She's severely depressed. Carlisle's worried about her. It's your fault.'

"'My fault?' I was shocked; I didn't know why he was worried about you. 'Is she with Carlisle now?' I asked.

"'Yeah, she is. Note to Jasper: next time a girl tried to commit suicide over you, I'll kill your sorry ass.'

"And then he hung up on me. I was so bewildered with what he told me. I didn't believe you had tried to commit suicide over me, but it made me incredibly mad at myself. I threw a fit of rage, I lashed out, I withdrew from the world…I wished I would die for causing you so much pain.

"I took me a while to get up the courage to pick myself up and beg for your forgiveness. I wish I could go back to that day and just talk out all my concerns with you. Despite the fact I knew I could trust you, I just couldn't communicate with you.

"And I asked Edward and Emmett and Alice to prepare you for me coming back. I had Emmett write that song out so you could realize that I'm completely addicted to you, and I don't want to live without you in my life."

He took a breather and scrutinized my face and body language, and his face fell. "Obviously you don't feel the same."

"It's not that, Jasper, it's just…" I faltered, floundering to find the right words. "You never fully explained _why_ you left in the first place."

"I thought it would be better for you if I wasn't around. I felt like I was making you choose a life of eternal damnation when Jacob was right there representing the light. I felt like Erik, forcing you to be someone you're not. Like you were Christine, and I was somehow bringing you down. That I was robbing you somehow. I don't know, I just thought it would be better if you realized your Raoul was out there to save the day."

And now I was suddenly cross. "You know, Jasper, life isn't like a movie, or a book. I wanted to be with _you_. If I'd wanted the Raoul in my life, I would have had him. But I continued to be with you, because I loved you! And a part of me died when you left me. What did you expect me to do, go around singing show tunes?"

He bit down on his lip. "So you did try to kill yourself?"

"Yeah, I did. I took a razor to my wrist because I thought I deserved the pain somehow. Charlie found me bleeding out and took me to Carlisle. He gave me antidepressants. I wanted to _die_ without you, and everyone acted like you didn't care."

"Well, I—I just wanted you to move on."

"And you thought a break up would help me? To hell with that, Jasper! For the longest time, I _hated_ your guts! I wanted to _murder_ you! And then I thought, what the hell, he doesn't care, so stop wasting your time on a lost soul. So I moved on. He helped me get over your sorry ass and now you expect me to drop everything and be with you again cause you loved me the entire time?"

I watched his shocked expression. It's funny, because before this I felt like doing just that, against my better judgment.

Then the words sunk in. "You moved on?"

"Yeah, you're about three months too late. I'm with Jacob now, and it's great because he's the exact opposite of you."

"Bella, I'm sorry, I really am! I thought I was doing the right thing at the time, and I realize I was wrong. But if you moved on, that's good."

"It's damn good. Cause now that I'm with him, Carlisle's taken me off the antidepressants. I'm _happy_ with him. And all you do is cause me pain."

"I know, and I'm sorry—"

"Jasper, just stop _apologizing_! It's all right, it really is! I accept your apology, and I'm over it. I'm just mad at your poor reasoning skills, and how you still want me after all you put me through. But it's okay."

"So…you don't ever want to be more than friends?"

I sighed at his sullen expression. "I'm not sure I even want to be friends at this point."

It soaked in, and slowly, he responded. "Oh. I guess that's air. Sorry to have bothered you."

He rose from my bed and I ran my fingers through my thick hair. "No, Jasper, I'm glad you did. Look, uh, are you staying at the Cullen mansion again? Cause I can set a time tomorrow for me to come out there and talk over our issues. Maybe it'll make it easier to be your friend again."

His whole angelic face lit up. "Okay! I'll definitely call you!"

"Don't call the house. Charlie installed Caller I.D. He'd flip if he knew you were back in town. I'll give you my cell number."

"You, Bella Marie Swan, got a _cell phone_? When did the apocalypse happen?" he joked.

"Hahaha. Jacob's pack leader Sam Uley got it for me. He was tired of Jacob thinking about not bring able to keep in touch with me. It's a very useful thing. I don't know why I ever lived without one."

I gave him my number, and he left me to think about what the hell had just happened. He had been over a long time—it was now two in the morning—and I was tired of thinking about what Jasper's return would mean to all of us.

I fell asleep rather quickly for my spiraling mind, with the tingling sensation that Jasper was still there, watching me sleep. I'm sure I was just being paranoid, though.

Oh, and then the nightmares started back up, too. They weren't very pleasant.

I dreamed I was sleeping, and Jasper hovered over my bed, grinning sardonically. I woke up to see him, and grinned hugely. I tried to talk, but his finger on my lips stopped me.

"Shhh," he soothed. "I know you want me. I want to make all your dreams come true…"

He hovered lower, almost touching me, and his lips assaulted mine. His tongue explored my mouth, and he bit my bottom lip seductively.

Then he perused my beck, next to my jugular. "Mmm," he mused. "I bet you'd taste delicious."

I shivered at the words—somehow excited, completely turned on by the prospect of him drinking my blood. "You can have a taste if you want," I purred.

He grinned at me wickedly, and slowly his fangs began to descend. He plunged them straight into my vein and started sucking.

I moaned and writhed underneath him in pleasure. I felt like I was gonna have an orgasm it felt so good! I'm sure I was wet.

And he looked at me when he was done, red tinged fangs and deep burgundy eyes. He let out a laugh, and his face transformed into my perception of the devil, and I screamed.

Charlie banged open my door, wide eyes and trembling. "Bella! Bella!"

I shot up at the sound of my name, nearly hyperventilating. "Bella! Honey, you all right?"

Once I'd relaxed enough, I answered him. "Fine, dad. Just had a pretty bad nightmare."

He stared at me shocked. "Nightmare? You haven't had one of those since Jake and you got together. You all didn't…"

I sighed. "No, dad, we didn't break up."

He nodded in relief. "Good. The nightmare wasn't about…Jasper, was it?"

I bit my lip, not wanting to lie to him. "Most of it was. He's been on my mind a lot lately. But it's okay. Go back to bed, dad. I'll be fine."

He gave me a doubtful look, but shut my door and padded back to his bedroom. A few minutes later and I could hear him snoring again.

I glanced at my clock—5:30. Jake was bound to be up, getting ready for patrols or something. I flipped open my phone and sorted through my contacts until I found him. I called the number, and he answered on the first ring.

"Bella! What are you doing up so early?"

"I kind of had a nightmare."

"Nightmare? I thought that was over with. What was it about?"

I didn't want to give him all the gory details. "Jasper," I answered in a small voice.

"_Jasper_? Why that son of a bitch?"

I sighed. "He's back, Jacob. For good."

-Jasper's POV-

I think it was a big mistake seeing Bella this morning. A really big mistake. I wasn't prepared for what she was going to say to me. I wasn't prepared for any of it, actually. I wanted her to be mine again. I thought I would be okay with her ending up with Jacob, but once she said the words, I had to fake being happy for her.

Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing she's happy…just not with him. I want her to be happy with me. And I had to go and screw it all up and be the idiot. She didn't want me anymore. Hell, she didn't even know if she wanted to be my _friend_ again!

Most of my family was supportive—with the exception of Edward. He was nothing short of pissed—and that's putting it very, very mildly.

'You got what you deserved. Hate to say I told you so,' he told me, and gave me a smug grin. Yeah, _sure_, you hate it.

Well, one thing I will say about her is she stirs the poet within me. I must have written a million and one songs about our internal struggle. And that's exactly what I just got finished doing.

My guitar was tuned and I was ready to play it, not caring who was lurking outside my door spying on me. Figured it was Esme. She seemed real concerned about my well being.

"I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated. I want to break the spell that you've created. You're something beautiful, a contradiction. I wanna play the game. I want the friction.

"You will be the death of me. Yeah, you will be the death of me. Bury it…I won't let you bury it. I won't let you smother it. I won't let you murder it.

"But our time is running out. But our time is running out. You can't push it underground. You can't stop it screaming out.

"I wanted freedom; bound and restricted. I tried to give you up, but I'm addicted. Now that you know I'm trapped; sense of elation. You'd never dream of breaking this fixation.

"You will squeeze the life out of me. Bury it…I won't let you bury it. I won't let you smother it. I won't let you murder it.

"But our time is running out. But our time is running out. You can't push it underground. You can't stop it screaming out. How did it come to this?

"Yeah, you will suck the life out of me. Bury it…I won't let you bury it. I won't let you smother it. I won't let you murder it.

"But our time is running out. But our time is running out. You can't push it underground. You can't stop it screaming out. How did it come to this?"

I heard sarcastic claps from behind me. And judging by the evil emotions, I had a pretty good guess it was coming from Edward.

"Nice song. What are you gonna do, force her to choose? Be bad guy Erik?"

I squirmed under his tone and looked down at my Epiphone. "Something like that."

"'Now, let it be war upon you both,'" he quoted, chuckling darkly. I leveled his gaze.

"Do you have a problem?"

"Yeah, I do. See, I really like Bella. Frustrating, yes, but a sweet girl. She doesn't deserve the torment you put her through."

_So why don't you date her?_ I thought. _ You seem to get a kick out of stealing the women I love. Gonna have Bella all to yourself, now?_

The smile slipped from his face. His black eyes narrowed. "I was under the impression you didn't love Alice anymore when I look her for my own. You were cheating on her with Bella, weren't you?"

_At least I had the balls to speak up about my feelings._

His fists clenched together. "You know, I would deck you if I thought it would cause you pain. I'm tired of your whining shit and blaming this on when it's all your fault. Go screw yourself, _brother_."

And he walked out of my room.

I was seething mad at him. _I_ was in pain here, why couldn't he be nice to me? I was watching the woman I love slip away and into a dog's arms. I had enough problems without his malice towards me. He could at least have a little sympathy!

I paced the room, waiting for a good time to call Bella. When I did, it was awkward, but she promised she would be right over.

I was a nervous wreck! I got Alice to copy out my new song I had titled Time Is Running Out, and was all prepared to give it to her. I was calculating a speech in my head, trying to persuade her my way. So far my arguments weren't very strong, and my opinionated brothers weren't helping me out any.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, she was greeting Carlisle and Esme at the door and I was meeting her in the spacious living room. "Hi, Bella. Thanks for meeting me." I gave her a charming grin.

She smiled back unsure. "It's not really a problem." She chewed on her fingernail. It meant she was nervous. But I already knew that. I do read emotions, after all.

"Do you wanna talk here, or in my room?"

Her nerved heightened when I said 'my room.' I had to bite my lip forcefully to keep myself from laughing.

"Your…uh, room is fine."

I led the way up the flight of stairs and we sat facing each other on the futon. They'd gotten rid of the bed when I left. Not that I had ever even needed it in the first place.

"So, uh, have you thought about things?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I'm sorry for blowing up on you earlier. I overreacted to the situation, is all. I'd like to be somewhat friends. But it's not gonna go back to the way things were. Leave the communications barrier up."

My heart sunk. Well, the words I used were useless right now. But I definitely wasn't giving up without a fight.

I got up and handed her the sheet from my desk. "This is for you."

She read the words to herself, while I read her emotions. She was frustrated—probably because I wasn't giving up. Sympathetic—probably because she knew how I felt. She pitied me, too—because I was so pathetic.

"Oh," she said when she was done reading. She cleared her throat. "Interesting words."

"What do you think they mean?" I hedged.

"You won't give up until you have me again?" she guessed.

"Bingo." I smiled at her. "You know, I'd kiss you if you didn't have a boyfriend who could kill me."

Shock replaced all emotions. "Jasper, when did you get so forthright about things?"

I shrugged, keeping the non platonic grin. "I've changed. Maria changed me."

She scoffed. "Did you sleep with her like you did Tanya?"

I scowled at her good memory, cursing myself for telling her about that. "It wasn't like that with her and I. She already had a mate. His name is Waylon, and he was very courteous."

She laughed. "Oh, right. Okay. So, you've changed. What makes you think I haven't?"

"Bella, sweeties, I know you've changed." She flinched at my term of endearment. "That's the beauty of it. Getting to know each other all over again," I coaxed.

A strange expression crept over features. I felt some kind of revulsion being stabbed at me. "You let the Texas charm flow thick, huh?" she commented.

"Is it working?" I asked.

"Nope." I laughed at the lie. She was struggling internally. I could feel the teenage angst. It was like a fucking Nirvana song playing in her mind.

"No worries. You'll give in soon enough."

She pursed her lips. "Can we talk about something else?"

"Anything you'd like."

She gave me a strange expression again, but was silent.

_Nature is a whore_, I thought.

"How was Tijuana?" Her attempt at small talk was hilarious to me.

"Not the same without you."

She bit her lip. "Can you please stop trying to seduce me? You already did that in the dream I had la—" She stopped short.

My grin grew wider. "So you dreamed about me?" Her face flushed. She was embarrassed.

"More of a nightmare, really," she admitted.

"What happened?" I coaxed, placing a hand on her thigh.

Suddenly she jumped up, startling me. "Okay, that's it, Jasper. I'm leaving. Stop trying to hit on me. If you decide to calm down and give it up, call me. Because I have a boyfriend, and I'm not cheating on him with you nor am I giving him up for you."

She started to leave the room and I shrugged nonchalantly. "You'll be back. You'll be with me soon enough," I said calmly.

"Jerk," she muttered under her breath.

"Bella, leaving so soon?" Edward asked. I listened intently to their conversation.

"He thinks he's being suave or something, trying to get me to hook up with him or some shit, so I'm leaving before it goes any farther."

Edward growled. "I'll deal with him for you on one condition."

"What's that?" She was wary.

"Don't give in to his bullshit."

"That won't be a problem." Then I heard Bella go down the stairs and slam my front door.

Oh yeah, this was a bad fucking day.

---------------------

so i hope you guys liked this chapter. sorry for making Jasper seem like a jerk, but it gets better. i'm almost done with the next chapter, so that one should be posted up soon enough. i'm writing a lot now that i have the free time, but the beginning on August i might not post so much. i gotta go down to Virginia to visit my sister and from there i'm taking a plane to NYC and then all the way to Washington. I'm gonna be too busy to write, but by then i hope to have most of the story completed, so no worries!


	19. A Drop In The Ocean

-Bella's POV-

I was shaking with fury the rest of the day. He'd changed so much the seven months he'd been gone. He'd seemed like the same person when he'd come through my window, but since that conversation he'd seemed to do a complete 180 turn on the personality front. It confused me.

Did he _really_ think he'd win me over with that awful attitude? He was back for the moment and enjoying the chase, but what would he do if he actually go me? Break my heart and leave again?

Well, I wouldn't give him the chance. I didn't like this arrogant, cocky, pompous man. I wanted the insecure guy back. The one who actually cared about who I was, not the fact I was unobtainable. I liked how he second guessed himself, and not how his confidence seeped out of every pore. It disgusted me.

Plus, I really had moved on, and Jacob really was more than I could ever ask for. He'd take the pain if I dealt him that hand, but I didn't _want_ to hurt him. I wouldn't abandon him for this new man who'd rediscovered me. The old guy—maybe; if there weren't so many unresolved trust issues between us.

So I wrestled with the thought while I waited for something to happen. I probably should be studying for exams for next week, but they seemed pretty irrelevant at the moment. So, the question was, if Jasper changed back into the man I'd fallen in love with, would I take him back?

That's what I had been fighting to do when he came to me. I remembered a memory, rather than the new person he'd become. When I saw him that first time, I couldn't even think of Jacob. All I wanted was for my body to be close to his again. But if Jacob came over, I probably would forget all about the meeting with Jasper. Why are mythical creatures so _confusing_?

If Jasper ever let his guard down around me and let me in completely, would I consider him again? If he transformed back into the man I loved, and really talked to me about everything this time, would I fall back in love with him? The question seemed fairly easy to answer in my head; of course not! He'd left me once, and he could most certainly do it again. But would my body have a completely different reaction?

That was an answer I couldn't be too sure of, and a reason why I didn't want to get any closer to Jasper than I already was. He had that stupid dazzling vampire effect on me and you just…never know what could happen. This was uncharted territory for me.

I was mulling over my uncertainties when a knock came on my front door. I got up to open it, and found Jacob standing outside, a less than pleasant expression on his beautiful face. "Just thought I'd stop by and make sure you hadn't got sucked in," he said wryly.

I let him in the front door. I didn't want to argue with him about this. "He had the opposite effect on me," I muttered.

"But I thought he was just so _dazzling_ and _perfect_."

"He _was_," I amended. "But he's not the same anymore. He's changed. He's a jerk now."

"Does he want to be with you?"

"He says he does. But I can't help thinking he's just in it for the chase. That he'll do anything to steal you away from me, and then leave again, so I'll have no one to turn to. I didn't like his cocky attitude—it irked me."

"Glad to know you still don't want to be with him." God, would he give the sarcasm a rest?

"I'm with you, aren't I?" I snapped.

"Yeah, but he's the one you dreamed of."

I put a hand on Jacob's shoulder. "I told you, it was a nightmare. I don't dream of him that way anymore."

He stared at me unconvinced. "After everything he's done, why would I go back to him, knowing I could lose you in the process? It's not something I would relish."

He bit his lip, but then smiled slightly at me. "You know I love you, Bella. And I just don't want him to hurt you again."

"I know that. And I love you for it. But I made a promise to Edward, and I'm gonna stick by it."

His eyebrow rose as I said Edward's name, but I pretended not to notice it at all. "Okay?" I asked. He nodded, and he kissed me.

But, like usual, it was interrupted by the sound of Wolf Like Me by TV on the Radio coming out of his phone.

We broke apart, and he answered it and argued with Sam about something as usual. I let him do his thing while I straightened up the kitchen a little. Charlie left a few dishes this morning from breakfast.

He hung up and walked over to where I was. "Sam want you for patrolling?"

"I have a couple hours to kill. He got Jared off his lazy ass to patrol this time."

"Good. I feel like we haven't had much time together lately."

"I agree." I stood on my toes and kissed him again. "What do you wanna do?"

"Watch a movie?" I suggested.

He grinned. That meant making out on Charlie's couch instead of actually paying attention to what was on the screen. "What will it be this time?"

"How about…Nightmare Before Christmas?"

He laughed. "Bella, it's _June_."

"Sooo? Isn't there some movie or something called Christmas in June?"

"I believe it's Christmas in _July_, and you know you're crazy, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm in a very Tim Burton mood, and it's either that or Edward Scissorhands."

He stuck his tongue out. "That's what I thought," I said, and went to put the movie in.

See, he didn't like watching Edward Scissorhands because one, the guy's not human; two, his name's Edward and that reminds him of Jasper; and three, he's the perfect gentleman until his fate changed and he goes insane and kills someone. Apparently, Edward Scissorhands is the reason why "things should not be created like that."

I put it in and sniggled up against Jacob for warmth. We lasted about the first 15 minutes actually watching the movie, and then we ended up making out.

He was a hard man to resist. His smile is irresistible, his charm encouraging, and his heat blistering. I can't watch a movie without getting caught up in his presence.

But his two hours were up too soon, and he had to go serve for holy Sam and the virtuous pack. He was gone with them a lot, and I missed him when he wasn't here. But at least I knew he would be back, unlike my vampire ex.

When Jacob left, I got to cleaning to keep my mind occupied. I put a Linkin Park cd in and turned the volume up to drown out my thoughts, hopefully. I got working on the kitchen first, then Charlie and my bathroom, and finished off with my bedroom.

It was in there that my thought became muddled again. I was cleaning out a drawer and found the key to my padlocked drawer. I unlocked it, hoping to throw away some of the memories but I got sidetracked with my own flashbacks.

I hadn't opened that drawer for three months, since the anniversary of our breakup. Back then it had upset me to look at our happy pictures and see cd's he had made for me.

I picked one of the cds up and gave a huge sigh. My hands shook as I took the Linkin Park cd out of the stereo and replaced it with the mixed one. If I could get through the cd without hyperventilating or crying, it would prove I was really over Jasper, and my decision would be made for me.

Hands still trembling, I pressed play, and You Had Me At Hello by A Day to Remember started playing. I squeezed my eyes shut. That had been _our_ song. Our official song. It was supposed to be difficult to listen to, right?

The words flooded through me, but I didn't shut the song off. I think I needed to hear it. It used to be my favorite song, and it shouldn't be fair that now all it did was symbolize pain.

I heard the doorbell ring and I lurched down the stairs to answer it. And standing there was none other than Jasper, unreadable expression, flowers in hand, and a guitar case strapped to his back. Um, can you say awkward?

"You Had Me At Hello," he mused. "Well, my timing is perfect. This is my favorite part of our song." I rolled my eyes, and he begun singing his favorite lines.

"I've never seen a smile that can light the room like yours. It's simply radiant. I see it more with every day that goes by. I watch the clock to make my timing just right. Would it be okay? Would it be okay if I took your breath away? And I'm wasting away, away from you…" He thought for a minute, then chuckled.

He seemed to remember me again and handed me the flowers. "These are for you. And can I come in?"

I accepted the flowers and let him in the door. Thank goodness Charlie had gone fishing and told me he'd be home late.

"Thank you." He looked around. "Wow. This place hasn't changed at all."

I cleared my throat and put the flowers down on the kitchen table. "Was there something you needed?" I asked.

He studied me for a few minutes and then answered my question. "I wanted to apologize for earlier. I was overstepping my boundaries, and you were right, I was acting like a jerk. I guess coming home was just a little upsetting."

Confusion swept over me. "How was it upsetting?"

"Well, for one seeing you and hearing you moved on. Second the Cullen mansion is crazy right now. Esme's glad to see me, Carlisle is wary of my visit, Emmett's supportive, Alice is upset, Rosalie hates me, and Edward would kill me if he could."

I held in a laugh. Edward didn't hold back his hatred for Jasper very well. It was always in his eyes when someone mentioned Jasper's name. And now that he was back…Well, I couldn't imagine the drama going on in that huge house!

"So I guess I was overwhelmed and everything came out kind of vulgar. But I won't do that again. I promise to be a gentleman about things from now on."

I didn't trust his words. I still think he was playing games to try and win be back. He wanted me to realize I wasn't over him yet and leave Jacob behind or something. But I didn't really buy it at this point anymore. I was just super skeptical.

"Well, I'll take you up on that offer. Show me the guy you used to be; maybe we could be friends again."

His beautiful Texas grin showed on his face and I lost some of my concentration. I was melting inside.

Then I was brought back to life when he took the guitar case off his back and broke out the Epiphone. "I had a lot of time to think about you these months, and I wrote a lot about you. I wanted you to hear one of the songs I wrote about you during that time. Is that okay?"

I wondered how much it would hurt. But I did miss our jam sessions where he'd play the guitar flawlessly and dazzle me with the most beautiful words ever and sing with a voice that just literally took my breath away.

I nodded slightly while he turned the strings a little. "Great. It's called A Drop In The Ocean. I hope you like it."

He finished tuning, then started playing the song beautifully. "A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert. But I'm holding you closer than most, cause you are my heaven.

"I don't wanna waste the weekend. If you don't love me pretend. A few more hours then it's time to go. As my train rolls down the east coast I wonder how you keep warm. It's too late to cry, too broken to move on.

"And still I can't let you be. Most nights I hardly sleep." I laughed a little at that part, because he _couldn't_ sleep. "Don't take what you don't need from me.

"It's just a drop in the ocean, a change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert. But I'm holding you closer than most, cause you are my heaven.

"Misplaced trust and old friends. Never counting regrets. By the grace of God I do not rest at all. New England as the leaves change. The last excuse that I'll claim: I was a boy who loved a women like a little girl.

"And still I can't let you be. Most nights I hardly sleep. Don't take what you don't need from me.

"It's just a drop in the ocean, a change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert. But I'm holding you closer than most, cause you are my…

"Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore. No, no. Heaven doesn't seem far away. Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore. No, no. Heaven doesn't seem far away.

"A drop in the ocean, a change in the weather. I was praying that you and me might end up together. It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert. But I'm holding you closer than most, cause you are my heaven. You are my heaven."

I was kind of tongue tied by the end of it. He never spoke about heaven. He always thought he was destined for hell. It was kind of awkward for me to hear that I made heaven feel closer than it is for him.

"Wow," I managed to say. "That was really beautiful, Jasper, but do you mean it?"

"Bella, would I ever tell you something I haven't meant? Aside from that time it was imperative, I don't think I've ever lied to you about something this serious."

I debated within myself internally. I really did want to believe him, and that I made him feel that way. That he was for real in love with me this time, not in it just to win. "Jasper, can I ask you something?"

"Anything you want." He put the guitar down and paid attention to me.

"If I were to break up with Jacob right now and tell you I wanted to be with you, what would you do?"

The question caught him off guard. He licked his lips and thought seriously about his answer. "If it's what you _really_ wanted, I would probably have a heart attack I would be so happy. I would do anything you wanted for the rest of your life and not complain a bit."

"Even if I asked you to change me into a vampire right now?"

"If that's what you really wanted, I wouldn't hesitate to do it."

And that answer shocked me. I'd be so sure he wouldn't give in to that one. "But that's the main reason we didn't last. How can it be so easy now?"

"Bella, I made a mistake and left you. It was agony to live apart from you. If you ever said you'd be with me again, I'd never let you go. No one could tear us apart. I want to be with you forever, and if making you into a vampire is the best way to do that, then I'm all for it."

"Wooow," I breathed. "You want me that bad?"

He got this really vulnerable look in his golden eyes. How could I doubt him now? He looked so sincere. "Yes, I do. I want you with everything I have. Everything I am aches for your return. Everything I am is altered without you. It's like I can't be whole unless I'm with you again."

I rubbed my temples. This changes _everything_. I thought he was just being an idiot and here he is the whole time permanently _altered_ without my presence. How could I refuse to be with him? What would happen if I left him behind? He might try and get himself killed, and I couldn't live with that guilt.

But on the other hand I can't just betray Jacob that way and let everyone else down. I don't want to fight with anyone, and I don't want to lose any friendships over this. I'm at a loss for words about where my loyalty lies, and what I should do now.

And then the front door burst open. "Bella!" Charlie thundered. "What the hell is Jasper doing at our house?"

My eyes widened and my face paled as I jumped up from where I was sitting. Jasper stood up too, a statue carved of stone. "I should have known something was up. You were having nightmares again. That wouldn't happen out of the blue. And then Edward told me he was back and at our house. Isabella Marie Swan, why didn't you tell me?" He ranted, finally coming into view.

His belt and vest was off, but he held his service pistol in his left hand, aiming it at Jasper's face.

I gasped in horror, but Jasper's face was very calm and collected.

_But he shouldn't be_, I thought. _A bullet can't hurt him, but if Charlie shot him it would expose his secret._

I was terrified of what was going to happen.

I sat motionless as fury spun in Charlie's eyes. He moved closer to Jasper, pressing the gun against his chest. "Get out of my house and my daughter's life or so help me, I will not think twice about pulling this trigger. Do you hear me?"

"Loud and clear, sir," Jasper said, still calm.

Charlie's eyes narrowed. "Don't try to contact Bella ever again. And don't get your family to talk to her through you. I mean it."

Jasper held his hands up in surrender. "I don't doubt your word. I'm sorry for causing you all trouble. It was not my intention. Best wishes."

He winked at me behind Charlie's back—who was escorting him out the door and threatening him with the gun still—and mouthed that he would call me later.

I nodded, not sure what else to do. I didn't want him to call, but I couldn't give him away. Maybe I just wouldn't answer.

After Charlie made sure Jasper was safely away from our house, he turned on me. "Bella, wha were you thinking letting that guy back in your life? Don't you remember what he made you do?"

"I do. But, dad, we were just talking. I'm with Jacob, it's okay."

"No, it sure as hell is _not_ okay, Bella! I had to pick you off a bathroom floor while your wrists bled out because you cut them so deep. I thought I was gonna lose you and I do not wanna go through that again."

I was silent for a minute. "Neither do I. But honestly, we were just talking—"

"Bella," he interrupted me. He pulled back the sleeve of my sweatshirt and traced over my scars. "..again. Okay? I will not have you associating with Jasper Hale or I will send you back to your mother's."

I clenched my jaw at the words. He'd been trying to send me to Florida ever since Jasper left, and I threw a temper tantrum every time he mentioned it. I would _not_ go back, and he was blackmailing me about it.

"Fine," I snapped.

He relaxed a little, and sat down on the couch. Jasper left him guitar here, and Charlie packed it up safely in its case and handed it to me.

I took it from him. "I'm going to my room. Don't bother me. I'm not hungry, so make your own dinner."

I stormed up the steps, banged my door, and locked it. I carefully placed Jasper's guitar on my bed. I couldn't hurt something that precious to him. And then I ransacked my entire room. Throwing objects off my desk, breaking my hand held mirror. Pulling books from my shelf, pages ripping. Yanking cd's from their containers and clattering to the floor.

It wasn't often I had these rage fits, but when I did, it was like a tsunami. I _detested_ being told what to do, and Charlie was treating me like a child who couldn't make a decision for herself. But I was 18, a legal adult, and I didn't need to be counseled by my father who was never in my life until I decided to live with him this year. I couldn't take it.

I could move out if I really wanted to. I'd stay in a hotel or something until I made enough money to buy a small house, and I could live my own life without Charlie trying to live it for me. I know he was just concerned and trying to protect me, but it was frustrating! If I wanted to talk to Jasper, then I would, and he shouldn't have a say.

And the hysteria dyed down to tears. I sunk to my floor and started crying hard, because it upset me that I wanted to talk to Jasper. I will always love him, and that upset me because I loved Jacob equally and I didn't want to choose between them.

How could this have happened to me? I was always a firm believer in one love and one soul mate, and now I have _two_ loves and _two_ soul mates, and no clue what to do about it. Why? Why was this happening to _me_? I wanted to be loved unconditionally, not to be torn between to mythical creatures. I'd sought out a normal, human love, not a deathly vampire one or a mystical werewolf one.

But now that they are in my life, I know it would be harder to leave them both alone. I can't not have them in my life. It's impossible to choose which one I wanted. I just had to pick the one that would hurt more if I left him. Which one would hurt me the most to leave behind. And I had to figure it out soon, or thing would get even more messy.

I picked myself off the floor and into my comfortable bed. I put the covers over my head and just cried til I thought my head would explode and I was gonna throw up. And then I spent the longest time calming down and thinking.

Thinking about all my choices and what I would do to prevent heartbreak. I thought through each decision meticulously, considered the pros and cons, who would get hurt in the process, what it would be like in the long run…

It seemed like I thought everything through for a very long time, but I finally came to a decision.

I picked my cell phone up and dialed his number. I didn't know what time it was, but it didn't matter. I knew he would be awake.

"Hello?" He answered, and my heart fluttered at the sound of his voice.

"Hey, it's me."

"Oh. I wasn't expecting to hear from you…"

"I know, but I had to talk to you. I had to tell you something."

There was silence on the other end. "Well, what is it?"

"I love you. And I don't think I've shown you that I do. I wanna make it up to you. I want to be with you forever, and no one can tear us apart. It doesn't matter what other people think. You're the one that I want. Will you meet me tomorrow?"

"I can come over after I get some stuff done. Is Charlie gonna be there?"

"No, he's meeting Billy for a road trip. He'll be gone all week."

"Then I'll see you tomorrow. Bella, thank you for being the best thing to ever happen to me. I love you so much."

"Likewise." I hung up, smiling, and fell into a deep slumber. I'm sure things would be okay after this. I made my choice, and I was going to stick to it, no matter what obstacles were thrown my way.

--------------------

so, who do you think Bella called? i didn't want to tell you outright at first, cause i wanted you all to guess who it was. but i will be telling you next chapter. i had a lot of trouble writing this chapter, actually. the whole chapter is pretty much serious. anyways, while i was writing the Jasper part, i could't remember the exact lines to You Had Me At Hello, and i freaked out, because i didn't want to listen to the song and freak out, cause i can't listen to the song anymore since my boyfriend and i broke up and he decided he just wanted to be really good friends. haha, so enough about meeee, but yeahhh, i made a personal sacrifice to get the chapter done. and um, i hope you all liked!


	20. Cure My Tragedy

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Cold. Totally not mine!

And some of the poem in this chapter is lyrics taken from a Mitch Hansen Band song, called Sun's Lament. It's not mine, as much as I would like to take credit for it.

-Jasper's POV-

I came home in a really bad mood. The hinges came off the door as I pushed it open. I thought my family was used to my tantrums by now but I guess since I'd been gone they forgot what it was like, because they all stopped what they were doing to glare at me in shock.

"What?" I asked. Then I went up to my room and plugged my guitar into the amp and played really loudly to help me focus on something else besides Bella. It was hopeless. It was all a lost cause between us. I knew it. How could I make her see that t didn't matter what her dad thought about me, it's what she really wanted?

I heard a throat clear behind me. "Am I interrupting?" Alice asked.

"For you, I always make time." I set my guitar down and shut the amp off. "What's up?"

"I want to talk to you about Bella."

"Okay…"

"I don't think you should give up on her. Things may get a bit dicey, but you can't give up hope. You know that everything happens for a reason, and this is just one of the things you have to trust me on."

"I'm not understanding you, Alice. Why are you so nervous? And…and sad? Did you see something that you're hiding from me?"

She took a deep breath. I don't want to talk about it, because it will just ruin everything. Well, what's left to ruin, that is. Um, just promise me that you won't give up on Bella, because I know she means the world to you. And even if you don't think so, things will work out for the better for you two. Okay?"

"All right…Now what's going on with you? I know that look. You're upset. Talk to me."

"It's nothing…"

"Alice, you can't lie to me. I'm Jasper. Your ex-husband known when you are lying by your actions, not to mention I've got a built in emotion detector." I tapped the side of my brain and she smiled a little bit.

"It's Edward," she confessed. "Ever since you've decided to come back things have been a little…tight for us. We have different opinions on you and Bella, and we've been fighting a lot lately. And we're not exactly on speaking terms right now, and he's frustrated with me for trying to block out my thoughts."

"Alice, don't fight with him because of me."

"It's not about you. I want you and Bella to be together, and he thinks you don't deserve her. It's because our opinions are clashing, it's not you in particular."

"Well, why are you hiding your thoughts from him?"

"Cause I don't want him to know the way I'm feeling. And I don't want him to see my visions either. If he sees the newest batch, it may break us up."

I snorted. "You and Edward? Break up? You guys are like the perfect couple."

"Yeah, that's what I thought about us, but that didn't exactly work out, now did it?"

"Alice, that was because my destiny was intertwined with Bella's. She's my soul mate. Sure we're from different times, but each time I'm around her some new feeling arises within me. I get lost in her eyes. It's like magic."

"Yeah, A Midsummer Night's Dream, I know. I get the whole la tua contante thing. But we had everything going for us, and I see how well that ended up. I don't know…maybe things will be better once everything settles down."

I felt bad for Alice. More than anyone, she deserved to be happy.

My phone vibrated in my pocket. I took it out. Funny, Bella was calling me. I eagerly opened it. "Hello?"

_**!#$%^&***_

-Jacob's POV-

The past couple of days have been hell since Jasper is back. I've been thinking of ways to one-up him, to get Bella to choose me instead of him. She says there's no competition, but I see right through her pretty little lies. It's obvious she's still in love with that bloodsucker.

I was frustrated now, because I was always out patrolling instead of ensuring my spot in Bella's heart. I didn't have time to prepare myself for anything that might happen. Sometimes it just really sucked having a duty to my tribe and being a werewolf.

A hand was placed on my shoulder, and I looked up at Sam Uley, our pack leader. "Joining the discussion yet, Black?"

"Sorry. Things have been really distracting lately."

"I've noticed. But you gotta set those feeling aside for our meeting, okay? You're second in command, and we need your input."

"No, we don't," muttered Jared. "No one asked him to join."

"That's enough!" Sam said sharply.

I tried to tune them out as best as possible. Jared was right. I wasn't asked to join, and I didn't want to. Bag genes have cursed me forever, and there was nothing I could do about it.

The pack discussed something about the treaty while I tried to grasp what Bella saw in Jasper that she didn't see in me. I wasn't a vampire, obviously, but the pros and cons of being a werewolf were better. I let her have fun while all he did was protect her. I drove a motorcycle and he borrowed Daddy's Mercedes. He was cold, I was hot. I could provide a normal life for her, he can't. I made her happy while he serenaded her with songs he wrote.

Is that what it is? He's more romantic than I am? Because if that's all that's holding her back, I can change my strategy. I could write cheesy poems. I could plan a moonlight dinner. I can buy flowers. Whatever it takes to win her, I'll do it.

"JACOB!" Sam yelled at me.

"Huh?" The whole pack's eyes were on me and I suddenly felt a little self conscious.

"Can I speak to you in private?"

I lifted my eyebrows, but followed Sam away from the pack to a secluded area far enough away so prying ears couldn't hear us. I remained silent, bracing myself for the yelling and lecturing.

"Can you stop thinking about Bella for like, an hour and help us with our boundaries? Now that the Cullens are back we have to change some things. We need your full attention."

"Kind of hard when one of the Cullens is trying to move in on my girlfriend, Sam. I can't stop worrying what Jasper's going to do next."

He sighed. He opened his mouth to say something, but my phone went off. "It's Bella," I told him.

Fury spun in his eyes for a moment. "Fine, answer it."

He left, and I picked up the phone. "Hello?"

_**!#$%^&***_

-Bella's POV-

I was nervous. I chewed on my fingernails as Charlie brought his stuff to the front door and ate his breakfast slowly. I was eager for him to get on the road so I could get along with my day. "What time are you leaving?" I asked Charlie.

"Whenever Jacob gets here to drop Billy off. Pretty soon, I think. Why?" He looked at me suspiciously, like I was planning to sneak Jasper into the house again.

"I was gonna get a heat start on cleaning. And I know how you hate the loud vacuum, so…I've got some exams to study for later, too."

He grunted. I don't think he bought my excuse, but I knew he had no clue what I was planning to do while he was gone. No one knew but me…

I left him to go upstairs and pace nervously around my room. I needed to prepare what I was going to say, and I needed to do it before Jacob got here, so I didn't screw things up. That's what would happen if I didn't prepare myself for all the possibilities ahead of me.

I heard a car door from the outside and Charlie's chair scrape across the linoleum. The front door opened, and I heard voices.

Instinctively, I began to panic. I didn't know what to say, and how I was going to go about this hard task. I thought I had more time to plan this all out, but oh well. I guess I'd just ad lib and hope it all comes out right.

I descended the stairs and greeted Billy as cheerful as I could. I have Jacob a kiss, and we interlocked our fingers. "I have to talk to you. You staying after they leave?" I whispered.

"That was the plan," he whispered back.

I bit on my lip as Charlie appeared back in the front door. "Well, we're off, Bella. You can start your cleaning now."

I gave him a half smirk and a hug. "Stay safe, okay? And have lots of fun. I wanna hear about it when you get back, okay?"

Charlie rolled his eyes and he and Billy left for their road trip. Part of me was relieved they were gone, and the other half was terrified of what I had to do now.

"So, you sounded kind of urgent on the phone last night. You made me curious," he said.

"With what part?"

"The part where you said you wanted to make it up to me. I was wondering how you were gonna do that."

I chipped at my silver nail polish. "I'll get to that in a little bit." That's the part I was so nervous about.

"Do you know how much I've been going insane since Jasper got here? I honestly thought you'd choose him instead of me."

"I know. I can't tell you it wasn't a hard choice, but I'm happy with the choice I've made."

"Good. Cause I did something I thought I would never do. I wrote a poem. It's really crappy, but I thought you should read it."

He took a crumpled and folded piece of paper out of his pocket and I opened it to read.

'And everyday you look at me; I wonder how I'm supposed to breathe. You're next to me; it's plain to see all you want to do is grieve. I'm silently waiting for your return to this cold and desolate place. I'd like to watch him burn when I see your lifeless face. I'm sorry for all that he's done to break your fragile heart. It looks like you need some fun. With me, the hole won't rip apart.'

I bit my lip hard and looked up at Jacob's face. I didn't want to read the rest of it. But I forced myself to. 'Wake me up from this awful dream. If he changes you, I think I'm gonna scream. Can't you see, I'm not thinking of me? I'm just trying to save you from yourself.

'I begin to see color in your eyes. I think I'm falling for you. It's all catching us by surprise. Do you feel this too? The feel of your hand in mine is all that I can ask. Something is very divine about the you behind the mask.'

He had a refrain. It was like a rhyming song without a melody, the refrain the chorus, the rest the verses. Wake me up from this awful dream. If he changes you, I think I'm gonna scream. Can't you see, I'm not thinking of me? I'm just trying to save you from yourself.

'My fever began to rise, I turned into a wolf. I guess there is no compromise. Our friendship is engulfed. When you figure out my curse, relief filled your eyes. My feelings for you aren't rehearsed. Now, here's the final surmise.

'Wake me up from this awful dream. If he changes you, I think I'm gonna scream. Can't you see, I'm not thinking of me? I'm just trying to save you from yourself.

'You still can't get over him. You're going to save his life. I know you're going to choose them. Are you going to be his wife?

'Where did you go? Girl that I know would never do this. We all grow old. You'll lose your soul. Is that your pure bliss?

'Wake me up from this awful dream. If he changes you, I think I'm gonna scream. Can't you see, I'm not thinking of me? I'm just trying to save you from yourself.

'Jasper has come back. When will I crack?'

My heart almost broke as I read the words. "Jacob, I know I was bad, but my god, why didn't you talk to me sooner? I sound like a monster."

"I knew you had issues to sort through. No big deal or anything."

"Yes, it is, Jacob. I was awful to you. You should have said something."

He enveloped me in a hug, pulled me to him. "Don't be upset. You have to take the storm to get to the rainbow."

I shook my head and looked up in the chocolate swirl of his eyes. I wanted this to be a lot more romantic that it was at the moment, but I couldn't help myself. He was hurting, and I did tell him I was going to prove to him just how much I loved him. I think I'm ready.

I rose up on my tip toes and began kissing him. My hands floated up to twist around his neck and tangle themselves into his glossy black hair. His arms tightened around my waist, pulling me closer to him, seeking underneath my shirt.

My lips parted and I made way for his tongue to slip in my mouth. As we kissed, I felt as if our souls were fusing together, melting as we drifted into one entity. It was a magical experience.

I tore my ands away from his hair and to my button down shirt. I fumbled to unbutton it, all the while trying not to break our kisses.

I finally got the buttons undone, and took the shirt off, exposing my bare skin adorned with a black lace bra.

Suddenly, Jacob broke off the kiss and leaned back to look at me. He had a bewildered expression. "Bella, what are you doing?" he asked me.

I felt a twinge of irritation. "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm taking my clothes off."

"But…why?"

Why? Did I need a reason why? "I told you I was going to show you how much I truly love you. And I found a way. I thought you'd be delighted. You're my boyfriend. Isn't sex, like, always on your mind?"

He looked at me oddly. I stood there, glaring at him impatiently. "Yeah, but I told you it wasn't important to me."

"So you don't want me?" I began to unbutton my jeans.

Jacob placed a hand over mine. "Bella, stop."

Now I was really angry. "What is your problem? I'm giving you what you want. Can't you just accept my gift?"

"I would, if I thought you were doing this for me."

"What are you talking about?"

"I want you to do this because you love me, and no other reason. I don't want it to be a reaction to guilt, or Jasper coming back, or you trying to prove something to me. I want it to be about just you and me, two souls becoming one. So, not yet. I'll agree to it when you're ready."

"I'm ready now!" I yelled in his face.

He didn't even flinch. "I disagree."

I was so mad, I was shaking, and tears were beginning to well up in my eyes. A bitter betrayal. "I can't believe you."

"Bella, don't be like that."

"Like what? Insulted? Whatever, Jake. You know where the door is."

I stalked up the steps without a backward glance and banged my bedroom door loudly.

I didn't hear Jacob leave. But then again, I didn't hear him coming up my creaky staircase, either, so he must have left.

Ugh. What an idiot! I handed myself to him, and he said thanks, but no thanks? And then he expected me not to be upset! That is one of the most stupid things I've ever heard of.

I sat on the bed and sighed loudly. What was I going to do with him? He was assuming way too much crap. It wasn't about Jasper! It wasn't some deluded response to anything. I wasn't trying to prove anything. It was a good day, and he had ruined it. Why couldn't he have just left it alone?

I wiped away my traitor tears now free-flowing and turned on some loud, angry music. Emmure did wonders to calm me down when I felt ready to scream my lungs out.

I was just about to come around when I heard a tap on my window. I unlatched the hook and let Jasper in.

I laughed at his expression and appearance. His hair flopped down in his eyes, water dripping off the ends of it. His clothes were soaking and baggy in their bulk. He looked ridiculous.

"You think this is funny?"

"Yeah," I giggled, covering my mouth.

He rolled his eyes, but grinned. "I went out in the rain, risking getting my precious guitar wet so I can play you a song."

"Well, I'm flattered."

I grabbed him a few towels and threw them at his face. He wiped off and placed a towel on my bed, sitting down and opening up his guitar case. He checked to make sure everything was working properly and then glared up at me.

"You're lucky no damage was done."

"Who cared about the guitar?" I shrugged, teasing.

He threw the towel at me and I laughed.

He started out strumming the chords, then singing his song.

"Remember all the times that we used to play? You were lost and I would save you. I don't think those feelings will ever fade. You were born a part of me. I was never good at hiding anything. My thoughts break me. Do you understand what you mean to me? You are my faith.

Won't you cure my tragedy? Won't you cure my tragedy? Don't take her smile away from me. She's broken and I'm far away. Won't you cure my tragedy? Won't you cure my tragedy? If you make the world a stage for me then I hope that you can hear me scream. Won't you cure my tragedy?

"When I sit and think of the days we shared and the nights you covered for me. Every little thing that I ever did you would stand by me. Every time you cried it would take my wind. My heart would break. If I could be strong like you were for me. You are my faith.

"Won't you cure my tragedy? Won't you cure my tragedy? Don't take her smile away from me. She's broken and I'm far away. Won't you cure my tragedy? Won't you cure my tragedy? If you make the world a stage for me then I hope that you can hear me scream. Won't you cure my tragedy? Can you hear me scream? Can you hear me scream?

"Won't you cure my tragedy? Won't you cure my tragedy? Don't take her smile away from me. She's broken and I'm far away. Won't you cure my tragedy? Won't you cure my tragedy? If you make the world a stage for me then I hope that you can hear me scream. Won't you cure my tragedy?

"I can't take this anymore. I can't feel this anymore. Won't you take and give her pain to me? Cause my whole life I've made mistakes. Can you hear me scream? Can you hear me scream?"

I sat, in awe. "Jasper, that was so beautiful! Thank you!" I gave him a hug, while he looked embarrassed.

"Thanks. I wrote it in hopes of swaying you to change your mind, but I'm not putting any pressure on you. I can deal with a goodbye."

I bit my lip. "I'm sorry, Jasper. But I can't choose you. I went through the pros and cons, and it's better if I stay with Jacob."

"Right. And I know that. Just as long as you're happy and you're doing this because it's what you want."

He could see right through me, huh? He gave me a knowing look.

"It's what's best for me," I responded, deflecting the question.

He chuckled for a second. "Then it's okay with me. I'll make it through. But if you ever change your mind, you know where to find me."

I smiled softly at the broken vampire. He kissed my cheek, and departed through the window.

If vampires could cry, he'd have a puddle at his feet.

I sighed, and fell back asleep, hoping to sleep the rest of this miserable day off.

_**!#$%^&***_

Hours later, I awoke to the angry buzzing of my phone at my ear. I was groggy, and didn't want to answer it, but the buzzing was annoying. It was disrupting my sleep.

"Hello?" I mumbled, still half asleep.

"Bella, I've been calling you all day. I've left a dozen messages."

I was too tired and confused to comprehend what the person was saying. "Who is this?"

Silence. "It's Jacob, Bella."

Oops. I let out a huge yawn. 'Right. I knew that. You just woke me up, that's all."

"Oh." He sounded relieved. "So you weren't avoiding my calls because you're still mad at me?"

"What should I be mad at you about?" Was I missing something here?

"For earlier this morning, with the whole sex thing."

Oh. That. "Right. Totally forgot for a second." Another huge yawn. "Uh, no, I'm not mad. I guess it was easier to assume I had a hidden agenda instead of just wanting to be with you."

"I didn't mean for it to come out that way, Bella." His voice sounded bleak and weary.

"Don't mention it. It's all chill."

"Okay…"

"So is all mighty Alpha stealing you away from me tonight?"

"No. He's fed up with me; excluding me from whatever they're doing. I'm free."

"Good, cause you're keeping me company tonight. I don't wanna sleep alone."

"Okay. I'll be over soon. No more sex talk, though, okay?"

"Sure, sure," I lied, crossing my fingers behind my back.

When Jacob came over, I greeted him with a long kiss, and led him up to my bedroom. I purposely was wearing a tank top and boxer shorts, showing as much skin as I felt comfortable with, and laid down on the bed, glaring up at Jacob with what I hoped were sultry eyes, though I wasn't too sure.

I said I wouldn't talk about sex, but that didn't mean I wasn't trying to get him to change his mind about it. I'd been abstinent for eighteen years of my life, and I was over waiting.

"Bella, are you trying to seduce me?" Jacob asked.

"Is it working?" I asked him back.

"Yeah."

He hovered on top of me, kissing my mouth hungrily. His hands were clutching the skin at my hips. My hands, like usual, found their way to his hair.

He explored the length of my neck, then peeled the shirt off his back. He moved down to my chest, and then stopped.

"What's this?" he demanded, gathering up a piece of paper.

"What's what?" I asked innocently, but my stomach dropped. I was afraid it was Jasper's lyrics.

"This!" He shoved the paper in my face. "Jasper was here!"

"Yeah, I called him."

"Why?"

"To tell him I'm sorry, but I chose you."

He was silent as he read Jasper's words. "Cure my tragedy? Damn, he's good."

"Jacob, this isn't a competition! He can play a good game, but he's lost. I chose my man, and it's over and done with."

"Sure thing, Bella."

He lay beside me, took me in his arms. "Let's just sleep, okay? We'll talk about this tomorrow."

I sighed. I wanted to talk about this now. But oh, well. I shut my eyes and prayed to god things wouldn't remain this way for eternity.

--------------------

Sorry for the wait! I was out of town while I finished writing it, and didn't have a computer to upload it onto. But here you go. And just to make things clear, **Bella chose Jacob because it was the right thing to do, even though she wanted to be with Jasper. Now, if Jacob wasn't around, would she be with Jasper? In a heartbeat.** -- that was my way of foreshadowing (=


	21. Hopeless Love

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Daphne Love Derby. Totally not mine!

-Jacob Black's POV-

I checked my Blackberry again for any messages—there were none. Good. She was listening to what I said. I didn't want to hear her voice anymore. I had to sever my ties, clear her out of my system; and that meant no texts from her, either. I deleted her from my contacts. I took the photos of us off my phone. I didn't want anything to do with Bella Swan again.

Brushing the tears away, I pressed the pedal down on the car, going at least a hundred. I was on my way to nowhere, trying to forget about Forks, Washington, and anything and everyone associated. I needed a fresh start with some soul searching involved.

The tires screeched on the slick road, and I turned a corner too fast, and the car spun out of control. It's okay, that's what God made me a werewolf for. I would just walk away with barely a scratch. I'll be fine once all my bones set back in place.

My vision went blurry with my teas. And then, I just let it all go…

-24 or so hours ago-

I shut the engine of my 1983 Volkswagen Rabbit off and walked up to Bella's door. I was frustrated, and I didn't want to be there, but she was my girlfriend, despite everything.

It's been a week since I found that stupid song in Bella's room and we'd been arguing about everything ever since. I'd had the nagging feeling she was still seeing him or something. I hated it, and I was taking it all out on her, but I was at her house regardless of how I felt.

I didn't have time to ring the doorbell. She was already waiting for me at the door, with an unreadable expression on her face. It looked like maybe she had been crying earlier, but I wasn't sure. I'd kind of yelled at her on the phone, and I knew I'd hurt her feelings. But she'd been the one who asked me over for dinner. So here I was, feelings set aside.

"Hi," she said quietly. Hell, if I was her I'd be unsure too. I was being a jerk talking everything out on her. At least I'd realized that much.

I pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry, baby," I whispered into her ear. I heard a sniffle, then she pulled away.

"Not now, Jake. I don't wanna do this in front of Charlie, okay?"

I just nodded and followed her inside the house.

It smelled really good in here. Bella was such an amazing cook that I knew whatever she had made would be delicious.

The table was all set and the food was sitting there, waiting to be eaten. Seemed like the only thing she and Charlie had been waiting on was me.

"Hey, Charlie," I greeted as I sat down at the table.

"Jake, hi!"

"How was the road trip with my dad?"

"I had the greatest time. We found so many good fishing holes. Got a chance to watch some good games on the tube, eat fast food."

"Well, I'm glad you both had a nice time."

I caught Bella's eyes, and she nodded a little towards me, appreciative I was being polite and conversational like always.

The rest of dinner wasn't very conversational. We were eating, an awkward ob of silence hovering over us. I wasn't sure what to do, so I just kept my mouth shut. Wouldn't wanna say anything else wrong.

After Bella had cleared the dishes, Charlie migrated to the TV set. "Any sports you wanna watch, Jake?

"No thanks, Charlie. I've got some things to talk to Bella about."

She shot me a cold glare.

"Is everything okay?" He crinkled his forehead.

"Yeah, things are fine. I just have some things to do out of town. For Sam. So I may be away for a while."

He nodded, and his eyes strayed to the TV.

I waited for Bella to finish the dishes, and then we went to talk in her room. As she shut the door, she spoke quietly. "You're going away?"

I shifted uncomfortable. I didn't wanna talk about that. So I changed the subject. "Seen Jasper lately?"

Her eyes flashed. "No, Jake, I haven't. I told you, last time was a goodbye for s. His song was just in case you leave me or I change my mind. What's wrong with keeping a memento of an ex?"

"Nothing. Just not this ex. I know he's going to try and get you back with him. It's summer; what better things does he have to do than try and steal you from me?"

"It's not going to work. Charlie won't permit it."

"But if he did, would you honestly rather be with me over him?"

She was silent. I took that as a yes. And then she spoke. "Jasper's not good for me. It would be better if I was with you. I chose you, and that's what I'm sticking to."

She shut her eyes for a minute, and then spoke again. "Why are guys so good at distracting me from the initial conversation? Let me ask again, you're going away?"

My jaw clenched. I racked my brain for something to say. I didn't want to be mean, or rude. I wanted it to be simple, but I don't think that will happen. Not after everything we've been through…

But now really wasn't the time. It was my fault for mentioning it to Charlie, but I really didn't want to be a jerk and leave her without a goodbye. I didn't want to become Jasper in her book.

It was inevitable that I was going to break up with her. There's no doubt I'm in love with her, but as long as Jasper is still alive, there's no room for me in her world. I was going to bow out gracefully, travel the world or something, and forget about the girl who broke my heart. I was sure of the course we were taking, but now wasn't the time for the break up. I wasn't ready to end it just yet.

"Yeah, trying to make things up for Sam. He's still pissed, so I'm doing some business for him."

I don't think she bought it. "What kind of business? Werewolf stuff?"

"Nah, something personal. Something to do with Emily. He wouldn't give me all the details."

"Is Emily okay?" Her eyes bulged.

"She's fine, Bella. It's all okay."

She seemed to buy into my lie now. Thank goodness I had some acting ability. She swallowed half my lies.

Then she came to sit with me on the bed. "When are you leaving?"

I hadn't exactly thought that one through yet. I didn't want to go tomorrow, but if I didn't it was like I was stalling. I feared if I didn't do it soon, I never would, and I was sick of being second best to a bloodsucker; her choice only for convenience. I wanted her to be all the way happy, not settle for second best werewolf best friends because that's what she thinks is right.

"Maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after."

"Then let's please not fight over Jasper. Let's just spend tonight together. It might be the last for a while."

I swallowed. _It might be the last for a lifetime,_ I thought. _It all depends on my attitude after I travel. And if the bloodsuckers will let me._

"Sounds good to me," I muttered. I didn't want to ruin this for her.

I just held her in my arms for a while, and neither of us felt obligated to speak. I wanted to know so badly what she was thinking of—or _who_ she was thinking of—but I was too chicken to actually get the words out.

Odd. I never had trouble with coherency around her. I literally wore my heart on my sleeve, never thought before I acted. She'd changed me. Getting my heart broken changed me.

So I just settled for the silence.

God, I wish all our time spend together could be like this. For the moment, I actually _felt_ like the wanted me, like she was truly content with her life and there was no one else she'd rather be with.

Of course I knew the feeling would be gone as soon as I left and I couldn't feel my arms shaping themselves around her body anymore. I knew while she was sleeping, her subconscious would be dreaming of him, and not me. But I'd accepted this fate. It was time to move on.

Time ticked by too fast, and Charlie kicked me out. For once I drove slowly back to La Push, keeping my mind on the task ahead. Tomorrow I would tell her the truth of why I was leaving. Tomorrow I'd promise myself never to see her again. I would pack my things tonight, get a head start, call her from the road.

No. That won't work. That was just slightly better than Jasper's goodbye letter. I had to break up with her in person, or things would never end between me and her. I had to sever the ties. It had to be face to face. For closure.

When I got back to the house, Billy was watching sports. Probably the same game Charlie was, I guessed.

My dad turned to look at me. "Things go okay with Bella?"

I sighed and sat on the couch next to him. I was grateful there were no secrets between my dad and I. "I didn't tell her. I'm waiting until tomorrow. The timing just wasn't right. We needed one last perfect night before everything goes to shit, you know?"

"Are you leaving for sure?"

"Dad, I'll be back." Eventually.

"I know. I understand. I'll just miss you, is all."

A lump rose in my throat. I felt kinda guilty now. I was leaving him here all alone. My mom's dead, Rachel is in Seattle, and Rebecca in Hawaii. I was his last comfort. And I'm taking it away from him.

"Dad, I'm sorry. But I have to do this."

"It's okay. I get it, Jacob. Go travel. I'll be okay without you."

I almost smirked. I was too sure of that.

"Oh, Leah came by looking for you. She had something important to talk to you about," Billy informed me.

No doubt about it. Probably doing Sam's bidding. "I'll give her a call once I'm done packing. Thanks."

I used Billy's wheelchair to heavy myself off the couch and bounded up the steps, taking two at a time. I had to pack now, or I'd never do it.

After gathering everything in a duffle bag and placing it at my door, I flipped open the Blackberry and called Leah's phone. She answered it on the first ring.

"Jake, thank God! I have to see you. Talk to you about something." Her words were super rushed. I wondered if everything was all right with her.

"Okay, uh, don't know why you would wanna talk with me, but I'll meet you somewhere."

"Good. Your spot at the beach. Leave now." Then she hung up.

What could Leah possibly be so eager to talk to me about? She and I had never gotten along well, for many reasons. We haven't really exchanged many words, and I knew she was pissed I knew everything about her.

While running through theories in my head, I told Billy where I was going and that I would be pack soon.

I went to the big oak tree with the initials JB & IS on it, and smiled sadly. That would be all over soon. I would miss this place terribly. Really. After everything bad that happened, I'd go here to think and clear my head. It was so strange to think that I wouldn't have the comfort of this place to sulk to anymore, or my dad to talk to about my problems, or even a pack of brothers (and a sister) who had my back, even if they didn't' like me all that much.

I didn't have to wait too long before Leah Clearwater showed up, hitting me in the back with a rock to get my attention. My fists balled, annoyed with her already.

"This better be good."

She didn't answer, just kept walking towards me. When I saw her up close, I was shocked. Her scowl was gone. A small smile was playing on her lips. Her eyes were no longer hard and cold, but bright and hopeful. What was going on with her?

"So I heard you're leaving." The smirk on her face got bigger.

"Yeah. Your point being?"

Full on smile now. "How much do you love me?"

I winced. "Not at all, actually."

She raised an eyebrow and pursed her lips. "Will you do me a favor?"

"Depends on what it is…" I said warily.

"Okay, so here me out." She shifted her feet uncomfortably. "I want you to take me with you."

I was about to protest but something in her eyes shut me up. She looked really desperate. So I just swallowed and said, "Go on."

"Okay." She smiled again and tucked a strand of raven hair away from her face. "When you leave tomorrow, I would very much like to come with you. I promise I won't be a bother or anything, I just need a ride out of this town."

I laughed a little. "Why? Too cool to hang around with a bunch of guys?"

"Not cool enough," she admitted, shocking me. From my perspective, Leah Clearwater had acted like she was too good for all of us and our nonsense games of chasing smelly vampires.

"I know what you're thinking," she said in a quiet voice, "but you're wrong. You don't know what it feels like to be the only girl werewolf in history. You don't know what it's like to feel like a freak, to wake up every night scared that you're a genetic dead end, that there's nothing left for you anymore, that no matter how many awesome, supportive people surround you, you know you're always the odd one out that people whisper about when you're not around."

She swallowed hard, and both of us were silent for a moment. "Jacob, do you have any idea how difficult it is to know that the love of your life is destined to be with someone else?"

"Yeah, I do," I whispered, knowing all too well how she was feeling.

"Then help me. Because I swear, if I have to see Sam and Emily flaunting their happy coulpleness at me, I'm gonna flip out or something, I don't know. It's just…too hard to be around them. I'm still in love with Sam, and it kills me to know he imprinted on my cousin and that there's nothing I can do to change back time and make sure they never meet."

I thought she was gonna cry, so I took her in a hug. She let out a shaky breath, and I pulled out of the embrace to look at her.

"Leah, I know how you feel. So I'll be straight with you. If you promise not to act like a cold hard bitch that doesn't wanna be with me, I'll let you come with me."

Her whole face lit up at my words. "I promise! Oh, Jacob, you won't be disappointed!" She pulled me into an excited hug.

I groaned. "Don't make me regret this. Meet me at the same place tomorrow at eight. I wanna leave sooner than later."

"I'll be there!"

I blew out a gust of air. Damn me for being so sympathetic.

Once I got back home an in my room—staring at the ceiling intently like it held all the answers—I finally decided to call Bella.

"Hello?" She answered, and I bit my lip at how much I was going to hurt her tomorrow."

"Hey, Bells. Um, sorry to say, but I gotta leave tomorrow morning, but I wanna say goodbye before I do so. Is it okay if I come over at 8?"

"Okay, I'll be up by then. But Jake, I really don't want you to go."

I sighed. "I know you don't. But Leah and I have business to attend to."

Silence was on the other line. "Leah Clearwater is coming with you?"

"Y-yeah. I told her she could tag along. It would do her some good getting away from Sam for a bit."

"Oh…well, do you know when you'll be back?"

"Sorry, Bells. It could be a while. But I really don't know. That's why I'm gonna say goodbye to you in person."

"Okay. Well, I'll be waiting for you. Bye."

I hung up the phone and stared long and hard at the ceiling again. Then I turned my lamp off and tossed and turned, trying to find sleep, which proved to be a very difficult task to come by. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. I had to make sure I got all my stuff, the mattress was too lumpy, Leah wasn't gonna be there on time, Billy decided he didn't wanna let me go. But I knew I was just worried about talking to Bella.

Finally, sleep claimed me and the next thing I knew I was being woken by my alarm on my phone. I groggily stepped out of bed and got dressed in a t-shirt and jeans. Then I brushed my teeth and put shoes on and loaded my shit in the trunk of my Rabbit. Hope Leah wasn't like normal girls and packed her entire existence into five suitcases…

Billy was awake to see me off, and I hugged him fiercely, not knowing when—or if—I'd ever see my father again. I felt another pang of guilt at leaving him here all alone, but I ignored it. This was something I needed to do.

I picked Leah up at the beach, relieved to see she had only packed a duffle bag as well. Maybe Leah and I would get along after all.

Once we were driving, I talked to Leah. "You won't mind staying in the car while I say goodbye to Bella, do you?"

"Not at all. Are you breaking up with her?" I glared. Why did she sound so delighted at the prospect?

"Yes, I am."

"Good. The leechlover deserves it."

I clenched my jaw, but didn't comment. It was pretty obvious how the pack felt about leeches, me included.

When I got to Bella's house, I shut the engine off, and sat there for a minute, thinking of what to say.

Leah cleared her throat. "Need help with your parting words?"

"Nope."

She laughed knowingly. "Say you finally realized you weren't the one for her, and you want her to pursue her dreams without you holding her back."

"Hmm. Not bad." I got out of the car and walked to her front door.

"You're welcome!" Leah called from the car.

My hands shook as I rang the doorbell. She answered, biting her lip off like she was about to cry. I came in the door and took her in my arms as she sobbed.

"I don't want you to go, Jake!"

"I know," I said softly.

"Curse Sam for making you do this!" I stopped hugging her and she wiped away her tears. "Stupid alpha."

I took a deep breath. Well, here goes nothing…"Bella, I have to be honest with you. Sam isn't sending me anywhere. I'm going on my own accord."

Confusion ping ponged in her eyes. "What?"

"I can't do this anymore, Bella. I can't sit around and pretend I'm happy living this way. It's clear you're still in love with Jasper. He's the one who makes you happy; he's the one you wanted to choose. I know you'd settle for me, but Bella, I don't want you to settle for just _anyone_. I want you to settle for the guy you know you're gonna spend the rest of your life with. And that's Jasper.

"Bella, I love you more than words can say. And I know you love me too, but you love him more…"

I paused, watching tears slip down her cheeks. I remembered Leah's words. "I want you to follow your dreams, and those dreams lead you to Jasper, not me. I'm not the one you're destined to be with. So I'm letting you go. All I want is for you to be happy. So this is our last goodbye."

Bella sobbed, clearly heartbroken. "Jake, don't leave."

"I need to, Bella, sweetie. I need to let you go, and leaving is the best way I know how. I need to erase you from my life, like you never happened. So don't call or text me. I'm deleting your number. Goodbye, Bella."

I kissed her forehead, and left her, fighting back tears of my own.

Once we got on the road again, Leah deleted all things Bella from my phone.

"You know, once you get on the road and travel and have more time to think about this, you will realize this really is the best thing. And you'll get over her," Leah said.

"Like you're getting over Sam?"

"Yes, Jacob. That was the whole point of me coming with you, remember? To get away from him."

"Right. Sorry."

"Don't be," she grumbled. "It's whatever."

After a while of awkward silence, Leah took a cd out of her purse and put it in the cd player.

I wrinkled my nose. "Leah, if this is Britney Spears or Lady Gaga or some pop crap, we're not listening to it."

"It's not. It's Daphne Loves Derby."

"Who?"

She laughed. "They aren't well known. They're soft rock…acoustic stuff…think Keane, and that's what they sound like."

The cd started playing and I had to admit it wasn't terribly bad. I was just kind of an Underoath guy, you know? It was different. But I can't say I didn't connect to the songs. There was this one, called Hopeless Love, Leah ad I played on repeat until we sang all the words.

"200 miles away from home. 200 miles beneath this lake is where my heart belongs. But you don't care at all. You wouldn't even smile if I were screaming as the water filled my lungs, oh my lungs. You demand to be chased for your love. My desperate heart is far too weak to run for you this long. But you don't care at all. There's nothing I can do to draw you close to me.

"Can you take this silence like a pill so I can breathe again? I've been trying to ignore the best parts of you. But I'm still hoping that I'll be with you somehow, somehow. Please be home tonight. I'll die if I don't get a chance to make this just right. I'm sorry but I can't forget about the way I feel every time you're here.

"What would it take for me to be with you? I swear I'd rip my heart out if you said you'd be impressed, please be impressed. I'd go so far to please you but I bet you wouldn't care at all, oh at all. Hopeless love, please leave me. This broken heart is far too weak to run for you this long. Why don't you care at all? I'm dying for a place in your heart.

"Can you take this silence like a pill so I can breathe again? I've been trying to ignore the best parts of you. But I'm still hoping that I'll be with you somehow, somehow. Please be home tonight. I'll die if I don't get a chance to make this just right. I'm sorry but I can't forget about the way I feel every time you're here.

"Hopeless love, why did you carve your home in me? This broken heart is too weak to hold your weight. And now I regret the day we met. And help me forget your name."

I laughed. "You know, you're a really bad singer, Leah."

"Me? You aren't much better," she commented.

"Whattt? I am an amazing singer…when I'm on pitch."

"Which is never."

"Shh!" We both laughed.

"See? We're getting along, just like I said we would. I'm not _that_ bad to be around, am I, Jacob?"

"No, you're not," I admitted. "Um, any messages on my phone?"

She groaned, but checked anyway. "No. Bella hasn't called or anything. Now quit _talking_ about her and do something to forget her."

I chuckled slightly, pressing the gas pedal down harder. The numbers were creeping higher and higher. Probably wasn't too safe for me to be going fast right now, since the road was wet, but Leah and I were werewolves. Unless some passing semi flattened us, I think we'd be all right.

The journey continued. Until a sharp corner came. I cursed, trying to slow the car down as I saw a truck on the wrong side of the road coming at us.

"Jake, slow down!" Leah was panicking.

"I'm trying! What the hell is this guy thinking?" I honked my horn repeatedly, but the guy didn't move.

He was coming too close. It was either be hit, or turn the car over on the way around him. I veered hard to the right, but not before the semi's grille crashed into my door and plowed something straight into me.

Gotta love fate. I talk about a semi hitting me, and one magically appears.

I spit something out of my mouth—blood, I realized. I could taste it in my mouth. The sharp, metallic taste. I winced at the pain as I tried to move, struggling to breathe.

"Jacob!" Leah yelled.

My hands wrapped around the force that held me in place—a chunk of ash wood from the truck. I thought a stake was supposed to kill vampires, not werewolves…

Everything was getting hazy on me. My breath was becoming shorter. My vision sparkled with dots of black. The music in the background was slow as molasses, garbled together.

_And now I regret the day we met. And help me forget your name._

And that's when everything went black.

--------------------

So I finally finished it! Sorry for the wait...school just started again and I was determined for you guys to read this chapter, cause things get really good as I come to an ending soon. I have maybe five or six chapters, and then I'm ending the story. And it will actually end, so no sequels. I've got it all mapped out and ready to finish, if I have time to sit down and write now that I'm back in school, but I'll try my best. Hope you like the chapter!


	22. Charlatan

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Four Letter Lie. Totally not mine!

-Bella's POV-

I wasn't exactly in the best of spirits when Charlie got home that night. There was no dinner, and I knew my face was wiped of all emotion completely. By the time he came home I'd cried all I could, and now I was just numb, staring at nothing.

Charlie knew there was something wrong. He passed it off as Jacob being gone. He didn't even argue when I said I wasn't hungry. I let Linkin Park blare through the speakers in my bedroom and locked the door so he couldn't bother me.

Nothing was going well these past few weeks. What Jacob said was completely true. I settled with him. I had my reasons, and he knows that, but he also knew I would rather be with Jasper. I kept telling myself this is what I wanted. I wanted a break from Jacob, I wanted him to understand, I wanted to be with Jasper. This is what I told myself, but I wasn't true.

If I wanted this, if I _really_ wanted this, then it wouldn't hurt as much as it does right now. The pain is bad. The pain of not being with Jacob is bearable, but the fact he's hurting because of it is not. If there had been nothing big between us, it would be okay. But I know our feeling for each other were real, and that's made it all the worse.

And now it's summer, and all I have to do is work and dwell on everything bad that was happening. If I kept Mike talking at work, maybe it would distract me somewhat, and I wouldn't feel so bad about it. But I doubted it.

I stayed up pretty late, just staring and tossing a medicine ball into the air. Charlie knocked on my door to say goodnight, so I turned my music off so I wouldn't bother him.

Eventually I fell asleep, and then I had to wake up early to get to work. Half asleep and worrying about Jacob, I drove in my truck to Newton's Olympic Outfitters. I put on the orange vest and sat behind the counter, waiting for customers while Mike was stocking the shelves.

When Mike was done, I decided to engage in some friendly conversation. He'd been pretty distant when he heard I was dating Jacob. Sulking was more like it. "How's your summer been, Mike?"

He looked shocked I had spoken to him. "Uh, good. Jessica and I have been down to the beach and stuff a lot."

"Oh, that sounds fun."

"Yeah…s-so the Hale guy is back in town, huh?"

I swallowed. "Yeah. Jasper's back."

"So you've talked to him."

"Briefly. I caught up with him and stuff, but Charlie pretty much flipped out, so it's not like I'm hanging out with him or anything."

"So you're not dating him again?" His face was bright with anticipation. Had he really not given up on me yet?

"I'm in fact not."

He looked pleased, but then his face fell. "But you're dating that sophomore from La Push."

I took a deep breath to calm myself. I guess I would have to face this sooner or later. "No, actually we just broke up."

Mike's face lifted again. "Oh, wow. That sucks."

Somehow, I really didn't believe him.

Our conversation went dead for a few minutes as I racked my brain for something to say. "Er, well, have you, uh, seen any good movies lately?"

"Yeah. Just last week I went to go see that new horror movie _Undead_ and it was amazing! There were these guys who were changed into vampires and…"

I tuned him out as he continued his movie review. A vampire movie. On normal terms I would have gone to see it just to make fun of the myths they portray in the movie, but seeing it now would just make me sick to my stomach. All it would do would make me think of Jasper, and that's something I've been highly avoiding.

Jasper would be thrilled if I called him as soon as I got off work and called him up; told him Jacob and I were through and he was back in the race to win my heart. We'd be happy, and then he would change me into a vampire, and it would be like this whole year had never happened.

But I know I couldn't do that. Charlie would be extremely furious. Of course, I was 18 by now and was legally an adult, which meant if I really wanted to I could move out. And then he wouldn't have a say whether or not I saw Jasper, because I controlled my own life, and not him. But as tempting as that sounded, I know I could never do that. I wouldn't do that to Charlie. He would be miserable.

"…And they all end up dying or getting turned. It was the best vampire movie I've ever seen!" Mike continued.

"Sounds really fascinating," I commented, a bit ashamed I hadn't actually heard a word he said.

"Yeah. I'd totally go see it again if you wanted to go see it with me." Wow. He really didn't ever give up.

"Uh, I'll get back to you on that…"

His smile slipped a little.

The bells chimed in the store, signaling a new customer. I looked at the door, and smiled a little as Edward walked in, pretending to browse through some windbreakers. I thought it was a little funny he was buying something he didn't need just so he could come talk to me. It must be pretty important if he was showing up at my work.

He picked up a nice rain jacket off the rack and headed for the cash register where I was. Mike left to do some work in the back, and for that I was very grateful. It meant I could talk to Edward alone.

He handed me the jacket and I rung it up. "Did Alice send you?" I asked.

He broke out in a grin, handing me a wad of cash. "She did. But I wanted to talk to you too."

I put the money in the register and gave him his change back. "Okay, what's up?"

"Alice saw your future come back. Did something happen with you and Jacob?"

I cleared my throat. "He left town. He's not coming back. He and Leah Clearwater left and aren't coming back."

His forehead creased in concern. "Did he at least tell you he was leaving?"

"Yeah, he came over to say goodbye. He at least had the decency to break up with me in person instead of some crappy letter. He explained that he didn't want to be second place in my heart next to Jasper, so he wasn't going to sit around and wait for me to change my mind."

"Hmm…I thought you were over Jasper." He sounded angry, and I sighed.

"Yeah, I thought I was, too. But apparently it's a little different seeing him for myself and knowing how bad he feels about what he did to me."

"I guess…" He relented.

"Are you guys still fighting?"

"Who, Jasper and I?"

"And you and Alice."

"Eh, I don't want Jasper to be the death of Alice's and my relationship. So I eased up on the guy and tried to think her way. I know his intentions are good, but I just don't want him to unintentionally hurt you again like he did."

"I don't, either. So, does Jasper know my future came back?"

"He probably does now. Alice got so excited when she saw it she was acting like a maniac. She ordered me to come here, saying she needed a new rain coat or something, and as long as I was here I might as well talk to you."

I chuckled and shook my head. That Alice sure was something. "So you're going back to Jasper then?"

I made a face. Why are people asking me this? "I just know yet. I haven't exactly thought it through. I'd have to do some magic on Charlie to make him approve, and that could take a while."

"Right! I heard about the gun incident. That must have been very entertaining. I would have liked to see it."

"Yeah, funny to _you_. But at the time I was like, terrified."

Mike came out from the back and started glaring at Edward like he was the devil. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing out loud.

I bagged Alice's jacket and handed it to Edward. "As glad as I am to see you, tell Alice to come talk to me herself if she needs me."

"Will do." The bells chimed again as he left and I heard his tires screech as he hammered it out of the parking lot. I have the strangest friends, I thought.

The rest of work was pretty uneventful. It was a pretty slow work day without so much as a few customers, and Mike's and my conversation never got picked back up. I think he was pissed I was talking to Edward about something, but oh well.

Just as I was hanging up my best and about to leave, the bells chimed. I turned around to see who it was. It was Charlie, who actually looked like he had been crying.

I rushed over to him right away. "Dad, what's wrong? Is mom okay?" My automatic conclusion is something bad had happened to my mom, and a lump rose in my throat.

"No, no, uh…" He cleared his throat. "Your mom's okay as far as I know."

"Then what it is?" My panic rose.

"Billy—"

I didn't let him get the whole thing out. "Oh God, something happened to Billy?"

"No, Bella, listen." He waited to see if I would remain silent, and then continued. "Billy just called me. There's been an accident. Seems like Jacob and Leah had some sort of collision with a truck."

I relaxed a little. They were werewolves. Their bones would set back if any of then had been broken.

"Bella, a piece of wood from the truck went through the windshield and pierced Jacob's stomach. There was nothing they could do to save him. I'm so sorry, honey."

I was confused. "Are you saying Jacob died? From a piece of wood?"

"It was more like a log of wood. His internal injuries were too great and the paramedics couldn't save his life. He died trying to keep Leah safe."

What? Jacob died? But…he's a werewolf. That's not possible! He heals fast! He's…he's invincible…

Horror struck as I realized what Charlie was saying. _Internal injuries_. Werewolves may have super healing, but they are human, too. And not even they can survive massive internal injuries. Not even him…

If I could move, I would have fallen. I felt the tears moisten on my cheeks.

Nonononono. This couldn't be true. He couldn't have died! He has to exist! He's Jacob freaking Black, he can't abandon me.

"No…" I whispered. "No! He can't die! He can't leave me!"

Charlie took me in his arms, and I cried into his chest.

This shouldn't be happening. How can I survive without him? It was one thing when I knew he was out there, but now he's gone. Poof. Zilch. Dead. He's non existent. And it was all my fault for loving him in the first place.

I felt the world fall right under my feet, and it all was white.

**_!#$%^&*_**

"Bella?" I heard Charlie say from behind me. I didn't respond. I just continued staring out the window at the pouring rain.

"Bells, it's time for the funeral. We need to go."

I sighed, looking down at my depressing black dress. This wasn't right. Jacob was like the sun, shining upon everyone he touched and making their day a little brighter. Black wasn't him. It may have been his last name, but it wasn't him.

"Look, I know it's difficult losing your boyfriend, but—"

"He wasn't my boyfriend, Charlie. We broke up." I stormed out of the house and into my truck. I was in no condition to drive, and he knew it, but I didn't want to ride with him.

A couple minutes later he was in the car, driving to the cemetery where they were going to lower Jacob's cold, pale body into the ground. His cold, pale body. Unusual to say, since I was so used to his russet skin and flaming touch. But the coffin would be shut, so I wouldn't have to worry about seeing him one last time.

As bad as I was feeling for this, it was probably nothing compared to the grief Billy felt. Having both his wife and his son die in car accidents is an awful fate. Now all he had left here Rachel and Rebecca, and they didn't even live here anymore.

Once we got to the cemetery I felt like all eyes were on me. The whole pack followed my every move as Charlie and I went to stand next to Billy.

"What's _she_ doing here?" I heard Leah sneer, and someone shushed her.

"She has a right to be here. She was closer to Jacob, knew him better than probably all of us combined. She's hurting just as much as we are," Sam said.

Leah scoffed, but didn't say another word.

The funeral started then. The preacher did his ashes to ashes and dust to dust stuff and then Billy said the eulogy. So did Sam. Billy asked me if I wanted to prepare a speech about him, but I couldn't find the words for it. I couldn't face the people here. SO I politely declined.

The coffin was lowered into the ground and everyone was getting their chance to pay their respects. I purposely was the last in the line because I really didn't want anyone to overhear my parting words to him.

Once I got up, I placed a white rose on the top of the coffin. "Hi, Jacob. Well, no one can say I don't love you now. Yellow roses mean friendship, pink a crush, red for love, white for commitment. White for a true love that never wavers. And my love for you has never wavered, nor will it ever.

"I've loved you as a friend and as a brother. But I've also loved you as my boyfriend. They are two completely different loves, but the hurt is the same.

"I'm going to miss you so much, Jake. Before this happened I couldn't bear the thought of losing you, and now that I have, it all feels s surreal. I don't know what I'm going to do without you.

"But I will promise you that you're a person I could never forget. All of our memories…they're etched in my mind as if they just happened yesterday. Good times, bad time, painful ones, loving ones…We've been through so much together and I don't know if there's any way to thank you for the positive effect you've made in my life.

"You are the only person who truly knew the whole, real me, and passed no judgment. You were one of the best things in my life, and I will never let you go for as ling as I live. A special place in my heart is reserved for you only, and it will always be yours.

"Goodbye, Jake. Never doubt how much I love you. I can never say enough hoe much you mean to me. I just hope you know that will never change."

I wiped away a few tears and turned around to walk to my trick. I was about to open the door and drive when Leah came out of nowhere.

"You bitch!" She yelled, pushing me into my truck. Rusty flakes fluttered to the ground. "If it wasn't for you, Jacob would still be alive. It's not fair he had to die. It's not fair that he's dead and you're alive and well. You don't deserve to live with what you've done. You killed him, you bitch, and I hope you live with that guilt for the rest of your pathetic existence!"

Sam was holding her back now as she spit on the ground near my shoe. 'I'm sorry,' he mouthed as he led her away.

My lip trembled as I fought to keep the tears at bay. Everything she said was true. It was my fault he's dead. I killed him. He's dead because I'm a selfish human being who couldn't make up her damn mind.

_And it started it with your promises, that we would live a life of bliss. This isn't how I pictured it, those were lies. And were sifting through the evidence, to prove your trust; it don't exist. Now were all kids against business and were torn. _

If I'd never gotten to live him, it wouldn't have been this way. If I'd never gone out with him in the first place, he wouldn't have gotten his heart broken. If I'd never been close with him, he wouldn't have tried to win me over. If I'd never met him, he'd be alive. This just goes to prove how much I ruined his life.

So I blame myself for this death. Leah agrees I killed him, the pack probably thinks that way, Billy might even feel that way but is too nice to say anything to me about it. If Charlie knew all the details, he'd feel that way too.

Now all I have to do is live with the guilt, like Leah said. But how can you live with yourself if you've done something that awful? How do you look at yourself everyday and not see the image of a person you killed staring back? I'm always going to be plagued by Jacob's death, and I don't know if I can live with that. All I know is that it's what I deserve.

_But I can be saved, if I just open my eyes to everything. My life's on display. There's no room. If this is what's called love, I've been betrayed. Now there's a lack of faith I can't explain. _

I jumped in my truck and pressed the gas pedal as far as it would go without the truck wheezing to death. I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going, but I needed to drive.

My hair was dripping off the ends onto the steering wheel, mixing with my fallen tears. My dress was soaked through and making the driver's seat wet. My teeth were chattering from the cold, and I wished I had someone to warm me up. I didn't know one person could be this broken down.

The pain I felt when I moved here wasn't worse than this. The pain I felt when Jasper tried to attack me wasn't worse than this. The pain I felt when Jasper left me wasn't worse than this. The pain I felt when Jacob and I finally broke up wasn't worse than this. This was much, much worse. And for this heartache there was no cure. There are no more Jacobs left to glue the pieces back in place for me again.

_All the dreams are bought and sold; now we're just doing what were told. There is no way we can make it alone. And we're sifting through the evidence to prove your trust; it don't exist. Now were all kids against business and were torn. _

I didn't know if I could make it, but I would try. With a fierce determination, I wiped the tears from my eyes and tightened my grip on the steering wheel. I knew what I was doing now. And even though it doesn't seem fair, I couldn't help but remember the words Jacob had told me not too long ago.

_It's clear you're still in love with Jasper. He's the one who makes you happy; he's the one you wanted to choose. I know you'd settle for me, but Bella, I don't want you to settle for just _anyone_. I want you to settle for the guy you know you're gonna spend the rest of your life with. And that's Jasper._

_I want you to follow your dreams, and those dreams lead you to Jasper, not me._

What I was going to do is selfish and stupid, but that's the kind of person that I am. And I just needed to talk to him. Just once. I had to know at last one person didn't think it was my fault.

_So we can be saved, if you just make the bad dreams go away. If this is what's called love I've been betrayed. Now's there's a lack of faith I can't explain._

I realize now that the whole time I had been driving it was his house I was headed towards. If I was going down one path, it would just lead me down the path to him.

I eased up on the gas pedal a little as I made my way to the Cullen house. What if everything I said came out impossibly wrong and I screw everything up? I hoped Jasper would be at the door already so I didn't have to embarrass myself talking to the rest of the family.

I didn't even know what I was going to his house for. Surely he didn't want to have a discussion with me about how great Jacob was and how much I already missed him. I highly doubt he wants all the details about why it's my fault and what I did to kill him. He won't care, but I felt compelled to talk about him, even though it was wrong.

It had been a while since I'd been over there that I wasn't exactly sure where the turn for their house was. I was trying to pay attention to the road and worry less about what was going to happen and my own grief. I worried too much. Everything would be okay if I just let it go.

At least then I'd be dead, like Leah wants. At least then I would have Jacob.

The turnoff came too soon and way too soon I was outside their house, shutting the engine off and making my way to the front door. Just as I was about to knock on the door, Jasper comes out, shutting the door behind him. My eyes fell to the ground instead of looking at his face.

"Alice told me you were coming over, and why. You know I'll listen if you need to talk about him. Contrary to what you believe, I care about everything in your life."

I looked up at his face, checking his eyes for dishonestly. All I could see was the truth.

Tears sprung in my eyes. "You know he was a good person. He just wanted me to choose him over you."

"I know he was good. I think if he hadn't been fighting over you, we could have been friends."

"I know you could have. You all are so different. You calculate your decisions and if you make a bad mistake, you swell on it. He just goes with whatever comes first into his mind and if he makes a mistake he lets it go. But he felt the same way for the longest time. But of course I had to get in the way of that."

He looked at me hard. "You're feeling hatred towards yourself because…"

"Because I killed him, Jasper! I screwed everything up for everybody and he's the one who has to suffer. And I'm alive with holes in my heart, wanting to forget what happened, but I can't, because I killed him!"

Suddenly I was sobbing again. "Bella, you can't blame yourself."

"Why not? Leah does."

"Leah's a bitch who hurts other people because she's suffering inside. She won't mean it later on."

"Yes, she will, because it's the truth! Look, Jasper, are you going to help me, or was coming here just another one of my many mistakes?"

His eyes and voice turned wary. "Help you with what?"

"Helping me forget about Jacob!" I wiped away more tears. "I need you to do that for me."

"And how can I possibly do that for you?"

I looked deeply in his eyes, and I didn't the only think I knew would work. I kissed Jasper Hale.

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This was probably the easiest chapter for me to write. I'm almost done with the next one, so it should be up soon. I really really hope you liked it, and none of you guys are disappointed at all.

(=


	23. Narcotic

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Dead Poetic. Totally not mine!

-Jasper's POV-

It was just another random day. I was reading a book in my bedroom, hoping to be inspired enough to write a song when I heard a knock on my door. "Come in!"

"Jasper!" Alice chirped, prancing over to me.

"Hey, shorty. Where's your man?"

"Out." Cryptic.

"Why are you so excited?"

"I have good news."

"Really? Good news for you or for me?"

"Fur us both. Guess what happened?"

I sighed. "Alice, just tell me. I'm not up to it right now."

She started bouncing up and down, not even trying to hide her excitement. "Jacob and Bella broke up. That's why Edward is gone; he's trying to talk to her and he's completely out of her life and I'm waiting for her decision to go back to you. 'Course, right now, she hasn't made one but I have a feeling that after this, she will."

Wait. Slow down. _Rewind_. Jacob and Bella broke up? How was that possible? She chose him and he should have been so grateful for winning over me and stealing her heart away. They should be in bliss mode, instead of him abandoning her. What was he thinking?

"Um. Jasper? Use your words."

"S-sorry," I stuttered. "I…" I was speechless, that's what I was. Speechless and not able to think clearly.

Alice chuckled. "I know this may come as a shock to you, but keep your head screwed on. And let me be the first—and probably only—to tell you I told you so!! I said to wait it out and not give up and things would turn out, remember?"

"I remember that. And I told you to follow your own advice. But how do you know Bella's going to come back for me?"

"Jasper!" she gasped, as if appalled that I had even said that. But I had reason enough to think that, didn't I? "Of course she'll come back to you! You guys were perfect! La tua contante."

I closed my eyes, trying to remember when things had actually been good between us, and the first time she found out everything about me came to mind. We had no secrets, no boundaries, and without a force between us, we were amazing. Could we ever be that great again?

"I can't even remember the scent of her blood," I commented.

She cocked an eyebrow. "And that's a bad thing?"

"Well, yeah. After I get past my overwhelming need to drink her blood, it's very inviting. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I'm attracted to her, but I know in the end it'd not."

"Did Alice tell you?" I heard a voice in the doorway. It was Edward, of course.

"What happened? What broke them up?" I hoped he wasn't as brutal about it as I was.

Edward smiled. "He broke up with her face to face, on account he believed she should be with you instead of him."

My jaw fell slack. Were you _kidding_ me? He had been fighting so hard to gain her approval, and how that she finally chose him, he lets her go? Well, he was a better man than I ever thought he could be.

"Yeah, he's a pretty noble guy. Not bad for a werewolf, if you ask me."

Yeah, no kidding. I thought he'd been pretty cool when we were at the hospital that day. He deserved to have Bella. Hell, I knew he would take her as his own whenever I left…I just never imagined that he'd give her up and let _me_ win!

Edward laughed a little. "She hasn't made her mind up yet. Don't be too quick to assume you've won."

"But haven't I? Just the fact he surrendered Bella over to me means I got through the worst of it. I just have to wait for her to realize she's free to be with me if she chooses it."

"I'm afraid you may have to wait a while," Alice said nervously. She'd had a vision. Oh, God, Bella didn't choose me, did she? What if she went after Jacob? What if she forgot about our love altogether? What if she was giving into Charlie's threats on my life?

Both Alice and Edward looked like they were being tortured under Jane's penetrating stare. "There's been a complication, but it's nothing like you've been thinking," Edward said.

I swallowed. What then?

"Someone died. Jacob did." Jacob died? Was it even possible for a werewolf to be killed? Well, I suppose they are vulnerable to mass injuries.

"Oh, God," I whispered. Shit, this was bad, this was really bad. Bella was going to be extremely heartbroken. It was one thing for a person to leave her, but for someone to be ripped out of her world like that forever…that leaves scars on people's psyche that don't heal. She may be able to cope with never seeing him again, so long as she knew he existed. But now…shit! She'd be a wreck.

And there was nothing I could do for her. She wouldn't let me see her so broken this soon. And I wasn't about to offer my comforting services against her will. It was going to kill me to know she was in pain, and I couldn't change that. I was just glad this time it wasn't _my _fault her world came crashing down. Just like every other time…

I just sure hoped she'd be all right.

_**!#$%^&***_

Second passed, minutes passed, hours passed, days passed. There was still no word from Bella herself. Alice has been filling me in every time she had a vision about her. And from what I knew, she wasn't handling it all very well. But what could you expect? She loved someone immensely who had died. I'd be worried about her if she _wasn't_ upset.

Today was his funeral. Of course Alice couldn't see what was going to happen there since the pesky werewolves were around, but she knew Bella would be attending.

I was trying to keep myself calm and occupied by watching a game with Emmett on the TV, but still every couple of minutes I would look at Alice and she would tell me there were no new updates. Edward shook his head and laughed as if my angst was the funniest thing he'd ever witnessed.

I knew that wasn't the case, though. Under orders from Alice, he was being pleasant towards me. But even to me he couldn't deny that I as in love with Bella, and that it consumed the biggest part of my mind. Because it really did.

And finally, Alice had some news to share with me. "Jasper, Bella's coming over. She wants to talk to you about Jacob so she can move on."

Wow. Why did that seem like a huge honor to me? "How much longer?"

"About ten minutes."

I gulped down fear. Ten minutes to figure out what to say to her. Ten minutes to brace myself to see her break down. Ten minutes to hope she decided to be with me—even just for one last night. Whatever she wants, I'll give it to her, no strings attached.

I was still thinking when I heard the engine of her truck and her car door shutting. At human pace, I walked to the front door and there she was.

She took me aback. She didn't look like herself. Her eyes were swollen and red, and she was looking down. Funny, she couldn't look me in the eyes. Her hair was dripping wet, as well as her black dress, which clung to her every curve and left me reeling.

When I realized she wasn't going to say anything I spoke. "Alice told me you were coming over, and why. You know I'll listen if you need to talk about him. Contrary to what you believe, I care about everything in your life."

Finally she looked up at me, perused my face, looking for something that wasn't there. She was doubtful of my words, I was sure. Then wells of water adorned her brown eyes.

"You know he was a good person. He just wanted me to choose him over you."

What that her way of saying she wanted to be with me? Quit it, Jasper, this isn't about you! She came to talk about Jacob! "I know he was good. I think if he hadn't been fighting over you, we could have been friends."

"I know you could have. You all are so different. You calculate your decisions and if you make a bad mistake, you swell on it. He just goes with whatever comes first into his mind and if he makes a mistake he lets it go. But he felt the same way for the longest time. But of course I had to get in the way of that."

Credit where it's due, she was spot on about my personality. I couldn't say the same for Jacob, because I don't know him well enough, but if she was right about me there was no doubt she knew enough about Jacob too.

But the way she said the last sentence…it was filled with disgust. I pushed into her feelings, found hatred lingering there. "You're feeling hatred towards yourself because…"

"Because I killed him, Jasper! I screwed everything up for everybody and he's the one who has to suffer. And I'm alive with holes in my heart, wanting to forget what happened, but I can't, because I killed him!"

I wondered if that was really her talking, or if one of those werewolves had planted the thought into her brain. Because it was most certainly .fault.

Bella broke down into tears, and my arms twitched. I desperately wanted to take her into my arms and just comfort her, but I had no way of knowing how she'd react. So I shoved my hands in my pocket and responded to her earlier words. "Bella, you can't blame yourself."

"Why not? Leah does."

So it _was_ one of those pissy werewolves holding a grudge over her head. Jacob made his own choices; Bella could hardly be held responsible for a boy's actions. She was innocent.

"Leah's a bitch who hurts other people because she's suffering inside. She won't mean it later on," I said. I hoped I was convincing her.

"Yes, she will, because it's the truth! Look, Jasper, are you going to help me, or was coming here just another one of my many mistakes?"

I hated when she thought this way. But I couldn't help wondering what she meant by that. "Help you with what?"

"Helping me forget about Jacob. I need you to do that for me." And, pray, tell me, how is that possible? Am I qualified for that job?"

"And how can I possibly do that for you?"

Her deep chocolate eyes connected with mine, a fierce determination burning within them. She moved closer towards me, and her lips found there way to mine.

I was shell-shocked, trying to make sense of her emotion. Was the desperate undertone to the kiss because she truly wanted me, or was it a reaction to the whole Jacob thing? I couldn't decipher it.

I was just about to pull away when two things happened. One: I remembered my earlier promise to myself to give her whatever she wanted, no strings attached. And no matter her reasons for it, this is clearly what she wanted. Who was I to push her away and deny her wishes? Two: she deepened the kiss, and I was becoming addicted to it. I'd forgotten how addicting she was. And the scent of her blood…holy shit, it was a narcotic! Numbing all senses in my brain, making me acquiesce to her request and letting the kiss get hotter and hotter. Burning. We were on fire.

I tugged her through the front door of my house and up the stairs to my bedroom. No one would dare bother me—they knew better than that. We were alone, and I pulled her onto the bed, hovered over her frame.

Our slow, burning kiss continued and everything inside me changed. I wanted this with her. I didn't want to wait. If she was ready, I'd take the risk.

Rather than ignoring the pull of her sweet-smelling blood, my mouth latched onto her neck. I fought the temptation to bite her. But my self-control was better than I thought, and I was able to abstain. My lips moved down to her collarbone, and her breathing hitched, lodged in her throat.

"What are we doing, Bella?" I whispered, looking up at her.

"We're expressing our love." And we were—I could feel how much love there was floating in the room, an orb surrounding us.

"You sure you wanna—?"

She pulled my head back down and mashed our lips together. Her hands went underneath my shirt and I groaned, pulling my shirt over my head. I reached for the back of her dress and pulled down the zipper, lowering it off of her body and discarding it onto the carpet.

Her leg hitched around my waist and I lowered my head, trailing kisses down her body. She shivered at my cold touch, but I didn't stop.

I was overcome by desire for her. Her body, her scent, her blood, the need to feel this way; be connected to her in this way…It was all I could think about, and I wasn't looking back.

As we intensified our love, I wondered why we ever held back from doing this in the first place. She had been ready for a while and the only thing holding us back was my lack of self-control. But I never felt so alive in my life. If I was hurting her, she didn't complain.

My lips burned with every kiss I planted on her perfect body. An acid trip, bright shapes and colors, false sense of reality. Everything was perfect. Everything was new. Everything was special. It was everything I imagined it would be with her.

It's entirely different than it was with Alice. Human and vampire. I _felt_ as if it were my first time. Bella and I were connected in a way I never will be with Alice. So many different emotions were coursing through me. A livewire of electricity was jolting through me every time I touched her. It was more than I expected. One touch and I was addicted.

Bella was pretty quiet afterwards. Her head was in my chest, her arms wrapped around my waist. She was very still, except for her wavering, erratic breathing.

I tried to decipher her emotions. How badly I wished I could know what she was thinking right now. Did she think having sex with me was a mistake? Was she upset about it? Was she just contemplative about what this means for us?

I held onto her as tightly as possible. I feared that if I let her go, she would run away and never come back. I didn't want that. She hopefully didn't want that, either. It would kill me if this was goodbye.

Finally, Bella took a deep breath and looked at me. It was swimming in her melted milk chocolate eyes that she was ashamed of what we had done. "Nobody needs to know about this," she whispered to me.

"Because if you don't talk about it, it never happened, right?"

"That's not what I want, Jasper. I just—I don't want people to think I'm a slut if this gets out. I mean, we didn't have any commitment anymore, and the person who I not so long ago was dating just died. I don't want people thinking anything about us."

"What, like I took advantage of you?"

It took her a moment to respond. "Yeah. That sounds bad, but that's what people will think."

Her eyes were staring at the pattern of the sheets on the bed, and I cupped my hand under her chin so that she'd look at me. "Bella, do you regret not waiting longer? Do you wish we hadn't just made love?"

She bit her lip and I tried to feel the direction that her feelings were taking. "I'm…glad it was with you, Jasper. I don't regret it, but it's a moment in my life that I can't take back. It's kind of hard to process…I'm not sure if we should have waited. I don't know if this was exactly the best time to prove we still love each other."

I totally got what she meant. But I couldn't help asking…"So it was a good thing, right? I mean, it lived up to your expectations?"

"It was better than I ever could have imagined. It's kind of embarrassing that it was my first time and you have all this experience…" I chuckled.

"It was a very different feeling with a human. I didn't hurt you at all, did I? I mean, I didn't leave any bruises or anything?"

"No, I don't think so. But if you did, it's okay."

I raised an eyebrow. No, it wasn't. Definitely not. Hurting her is highly not recommended in my mind.

"I better go," she said, putting her clothes back on. "Charlie is probably looking for me all over the place. I'll talk to you later, okay?"

"Sure." I didn't want her to go, but I understand she has a responsibility to her father. A father that threatened me with a shotgun. But my finest moment, I admit. But I didn't want to get Bella in trouble again, so I saw her out the door and back to her truck.

"Sorry, Jasper."

"It's okay. I understand." I kissed her on the lips, and let her slip away.

Sighing, I went back to my room, got out my acoustic and just started strumming, all the while my thoughts on Bella. I hope—really, really, hope—she didn't cut me off after this. She was my narcotic.

I pondered over the word, then plugged my Epiphone into the amp, made a song on the spot.

"You sold your soul for an ounce of attention. Gaining the world and demanding affection. Will you ever be pleased with your own skin? Will you ever refuse what they're asking? You can't hide your insecurities with a pretty face.

"Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic. Begging face down on the floor. Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic. You sold your soul, now they want more.

"Vanity's gun left you dead in Hollywood. Empty, addicted, and screaming for comfort from a world devoid of compassion. Exchanging hopes for rejection. You can't hide your insecurities with a pretty face.

"Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic. Begging face down on the floor. Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic. You sold your soul, now they want more. Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic. Begging face down on the floor. Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic. You sold your soul, now they want more."

I did some instrumental stuff, messing around with a few chords, then went back to the chorus.

"Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic. Begging face down on the floor. Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic. You sold your soul, now they want more. Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic. Begging face down on the floor. Breed it, and bear it, and make it your narcotic. You sold your soul, now they want more."

I played around more with the chords, changed the distortion, then shut the amp off. I put the guitar down gently, and went over to my desk to write down the lyrics.

"Is Bella gone?" I heard from the doorway. I turned around to find Edward. Well, of course he knew she was gone, 'cause he could read my mind, so I didn't answer him.

"Well, what are you doing?" He tried again. Why the sudden conversation with me? We'd come to a truce, not a friendship.

Edward sighed. "Jasper, I'm trying here. I'm sorry about what I've said, but now that you guys have had sex—which I don't think was the greatest idea—I might as well accept you all. So I would like to get on common ground with you."

I wrote down the chorus, then answered. "Writing lyrics."

"Sounds like a good song." He was reading the lyrics in my mind.

"Mhm." No doubt Edward was trying to get me to talk about Bella to figure out why we had sec. It probably wasn't the greatest idea, but she told me she was sure…And she was dangling temptation in front of my face. I'd be crazy not to take the bait and give in. And…damn! I just gave him what he wanted.

"Jasper, I wasn't going to press for details. I just wanted to know if it was her decision, not yours."

I replayed our day, starting with our conversation beforehand. I skipped passed all the sex talk—but not before Edward caught a glimpse of it, who cringed—and went to the after conversation. "Evidence enough?"

"Thank you. Jasper, you won't hurt her again like last time, will you? Because she doesn't deserve to be hurt by you again. She gave up her virginity for you; the least you can do is stay with her."

"I think you've got it a little backwards, Edward. I have absolutely no intentions of leaving her again, but she might not want to be with me again after this. She might not want to see me again. She might hurt _me_."

"Hmm…right. Well, just give her some time. She'll come to her senses. Wouldn't want your narcotic to abandon you." There was a smile in his voice.

I smiled back. "Thanks, man."

"It's cool."

He left, and I finished writing out the lyrics to my new song.

Maybe it would have been better if Bella and I had waited. Then I wouldn't want to do it with her again. I wouldn't' know how awesome it felt, and know that it might not happen again. They've always said ignorance is bliss, but it's more than that. Ignorance is your best friends sometimes.

Well, now that I was alone with all the time on my hands to think, I didn't want to. Maybe there was something going on downstairs to keep my mind off her…like, going hunting, or something. Or a strategic game of Scrabble. I'd take anything at this point.

I descended the stairs, and looked around for my family. Esme was dusting the dining room furniture, and Emmett and Rosalie were too busy sucking face. Well, they were no help at all.

I went back up the stairs, and stared at the ceiling on my bed. I heaved a huge sigh, and tried to think of something besides Bella. It wasn't working, so turned the radio on. My eyes slipped closed, and I concentrated on the words to the songs, and I started to forget everything else.

It really was working for a while. Some songs I paid attention to the lyrics, and others I picked apart the instrument and deciphered them one by one. It consumed my brain, and I didn't have any time to think about how bad it was going to be, waiting for her to call or something.

Like I said, it _was_ working…until You Had Me At Hello came on the radio station. And all the memories came flooding back.

Frustrated, I shut the radio off and fixed my focus back on the ceiling. But it was no use. I was already thinking about her.

I groaned. Was this ever going to end?

-------------------

I didn't want to go into too much detail with the whole sex thing, so I hope it was okay for you all. Some feedback about what you guys think would be awesome right about now! Ugh, and by the way, you are soooo lucky you got this on here! I got a new computer, and for the longest time couldn't find my adapter to upload my documents from my old computer's hard drive onto this one. And to top it off, my parents have this parental block thing on the computer so that I don't download any viruses. But I got them to unlock this sight, so things are good!


	24. American Love

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Haste The Day. Totally not mine.

If I have learned anything at all this week, it's that I am _not_ patient at all. I've been pacing around my room all week, just waiting for Bella to call or come over or something. I wanted to wait for her to feel comfortable talking to me, and not push her until she was ready. So I paced, waited, and practically shit myself with worry.

Alice says she hasn't seen Bella around. Hasn't talked to her, either. I wanted her and Edward to go to Newton's to talk to her, but they told me not to push it; she'd call when she wanted to.

I was frustrated. I got this terribly sickening knot in my stomach whenever I thought of her, like that she'd finally decided it was a mistake and she was avoiding me. I just wanted her to at least know I was still there for her, and incredibly sorry if I hurt her.

I didn't like keeping secrets from my family, so I confessed to the worst of it when we were having one of our annual family meetings. Edward already knew, of course, and had told Alice, so I already knew their reactions. Emmett slapped me on the back for getting some. Rosalie got that fire in her eyes and yelled at me endlessly about how I could be so stupid and she hated me for what I did. Esme was visibly upset, worried about how Bella was taking the changed made in her life. Carlisle was pretty calm about it. He told me we were both adults and perfectly capable of making our own decisions, while dealing with the consequences.

The consequences of our actions weren't the greatest at this point. Without any contact from bella, I didn't know what was going on with her; how she felt or anything, it was making me a nervous wreck, flitting around plotting ways to "accidentally" run into her and just start talking. If she didn't think I was ambushing her on purpose, she might open up to me about it.

But as anxious as I was about seeing Bella and talking to her as soon as possible, I knew she knew where I stood with her. It's all up to her now. It's her decision to contact me. And if she decides she doesn't, I may die. But hey, can't force her to fall back in love with me, can I? But how I wish I could…

And the worst part about waiting is there was absolutely nothing to do. I read all the books on my shelves a million times. It took me two seconds to finish the new Ellen Hopkins book _Tricks_, and then I was bored again. I surfed the internet looking for something to do. I looked up lyrics to songs and downloaded music to try and get myself inspired. But I was bored.

I must have sat down at my desk a million times to try and write a new song or poem. It didn't work. The words weren't coming to me. And when I tried to force them out, they sounded like crap. _I get in the car and drive. It's what I need to feel alive._ That's the best I could come up with. It was pathetic.

And the guitar was no help, either. I couldn't come up with a new melody,; it was always the same old stuff. I played my old songs for a while, did cover songs of other band's songs, and I got bored again. And frustrated I was going through a writer's block, because that very rarely happens to me.

You think I'd have a shitload to write about, though, right? Vampire and human—the vampire's soul mate, no less—have sex. Vampire goes crazy waiting for human to tell vampire whether they are so in love, or completely disgusted. Can you imagine the angst and tension? I could, but I couldn't formulate it into words. Songs, poems, stories—nothing.

I finally gave up any semblance of normalcy and slammed my room door, super speeding out to the meadow. Maybe that place will give my mind the clearance I need to do dsomething worthwhile with my life.

Within a matter of minutes I was at the entrance, soaking in the field full of flowers dancing as the breeze fluttered through them. It was the most calming scene I'd ever witnessed. And as I walked to the center, I calmed down my frantic, racing mind and began to relax my shaking hands. I sank down into the grass, laying down and sinking into its blades, and closed my eyes, meditating.

I don't know how long I stayed there for, thinking of nothing—time had no meaning for me. But I felt the grass and leaves move around me and a shuffling sound. I opened my eyes and lazily looked towards the noise.

My blood froze in my veins. My parched throat went even drier; it burned with an unpleasant desire to suck the girl's blood, till she had no more left. Consumption. But I but back the urge, just staring blankly at her. Tear streaks covered her cheeks, and I knew I was the reason for this. She had on a black turtleneck, ripped jeans (hey, that's a first), and boots. She looked nice. But I don't think I should say that aloud.

"Bella," I finally managed. She wrung her hands nervously at my voice. I pushed timidly into her mind, and the bitter taste of regret and remorse filled my mouth. Great. She hated me.

"Sorry, I didn't know you were going to be here."

_Keep cool, Jasper. Pretend she's not affecting you at all._

Hesitantly, she moved towards me, and lay down in the grass beside me. After a couple of minutes, her rigid position relaxed. She was reacting to the feel of this place. My meadow.

"What were you doing when I got here?" she asked. "It looked like you were sleeping, but I know you can't do that."

"I was meditating—cleansing my mind from my evil desires."

I could feel her smile. "How very Buddha of you."

I shrugged again. "I take it you had the same idea I did?"

She didn't answer me for a second. "I did. But I'm kind of glad I ran into you. We need to talk about what happened. I can't pretend it didn't happen anymore. Charlie's noted the changes, and I've let him go on thinking it's because I still haven't gotten over Jacob's death. The truth has to come out sooner or later."

"I suppose it does. What is it you want to talk over?"

"Well…I know we didn't use a condom, and I'm not on birth control…"

I laughed. This was what she was so frightened and worried about? I suppose it's a common fear with normal sex, but these circumstances were much different. "Bella, you don't need to worry about that. I'm a vampire."

"Yeah…yeah, that's what I thought at first, but then I remembered these legend and myths about incubus, who can father, like, demon children and I wondered somehow if that could happen to me."

"I've never gotten Alice pregnant," I stated simply.

Her lips scowled, clearly exasperated with me. "I know that, but I'm _human_, Jasper. It's a bit different."

"Bella, I've been around to serve in the Civil War at eighteen. After being frozen this age for so long, you think I'd be sterile by now."

She relaxed. Her mind was still dubious, and she half believed me, but I guess that was better than nothing, right?

"Okay. So you can't get me pregnant, I don't have to worry about that, but what about the after effects? Where does that leave us? What will the reactions be? I'm not sure we're ready for where this is headed."

I turned to stare at her with surprise. She was gazing up at the cloudy sky with squinted eyes. It was impossible to tell what she was thinking. "Bella, what do you mean?"

"I mean, when I tell Charlie, he's going to come after you. You either risk exposing you're a vampire, or run away and leave me and this place. I'll be alone, two people I love gone, and more miserable than I've ever been in my life. It was a mistake, we didn't think of the consequences and now we're paying for it."

"Bella, did you regret sleeping with me?"

Her face went red, flustering in embarrassment as she stuttered out an answer. I sat up in the same position as Bella, facing her, and placed my hands on her shoulders.

"Did you regret sleeping with me?" I asked her slowly.

Her jaw set, and she thought, biting her lip (which already looked swollen and cut open). Finally, her shoulders slumped and she looked at the ground. "No," she whispered. "I don't regret it."

"Well, honey, if you don't regret it, then it wasn't a mistake. I know Charlie might very feel freak out, but I'm prepared to deal with all of it. I don't care if we risk exposure. As long as I get you in the end."

"And what will Esme and Carlisle say about it? Won't they be upset?"

"Well, uh…I already kind of told them. Esme was riddled with worry over you, but Carlisle said we were adults and could figure it out on our own."

"I can't believe you told them!" She stood up, eyes mad, and stumbled out of the meadow. I followed close behind her.

"Bella, don't be upset. I don't like keeping things inside anymore. It was killing me; I had to tell them."

"I know that, but you should have waited until you talked to me." She finally stopped and looked back at me, her chocolate eyes hurt.

I just looked at her silently. "I didn't know if you would ever talk to me," I said quietly.

"Jasper, you know I would have. I love you more than anything. God, what I'd give to make this all go away."

My expression piqued at her words. Go away. We could manage that. "The come away with me. Let's leave this place and forget about all out troubles. Just you and me, watching the sunset from some distant place."

Her eyes turned furious once again. "We may be adults, Jasper, but we don't always know hoe to figure things out on our own. Running away from our problems is the most childish thing we could ever do. Goodbye, Jasper."

Goodbye? As in for good, or just for now? "Wait, Bella!"

"Jasper, I'm sorry. As much as I wish this could work out, it's not, because I'm not willing to let you get in trouble with Charlie. I'd love for us to be together but…it's just something I can't do. I can't run from things anymore. And I'm not going to break Charlie's heart."

I watched her walk away, stunned at her conviction. I didn't follow her. I didn't move anywhere at all. I just stood there, staring after her empty spot in from of me, feeling my own heart break. Like wood staking me—splintering into me, puncturing capillaries, making my heart pump faster and faster into my chest as I bleed out. Hollow ringing in my ears, the worlds spinning sickeningly around me, the ringing plugging out every other sound in the meadow. I was alone, without her, just like I had feared.

And it was too much for me to handle. I don't know how she ever survived when I left her. I felt like breaking into a million pieces. I had that urge to grab a lighter and end my life. I'd known more before her, but she was all I cared about now. The past didn't matter. The endless future ahead—nothing; it was dead…

Unsure of how to use my legs again, I just stood there numbly for the longest time. Then slowly, I started moving, gaining speed, loving the way the wind cut into me, and how I couldn't feel the cold. I ran back to the house, into my room, and locked the door. People should know not to bother me.

I lay down on the bed, not seeing anything at all. I wanted to cry, but the tears were impossible to produce. I don't think anyone in the world knew how I felt. It wasn't just a girlfriend I was letting go, but my _soul mate_. I wouldn't get over it. I would live on and on while humans moved on, or died with their pain. But I couldn't die. Not without breaking my family's hearts.

So I just lay there, trying to ease the pain without the sweet temptation of death pounding on my door. I'd realized much too late that she was all that I needed. I'd come back into her life much too late and screwed up everything.

There's just no way I can win. I sought through things meticulously and decided to leave her. It was the worst mistake of my life. Then I didn't think at all, ended up sleeping with her, and losing her again. Follow my heart, do the sensible thing…either way, I guess I'm just meant to be alone. It's my penance for the bloodlust I had once celebrated.

I watched the sun go down, and rise again, day after day after day. And still I did not move. My door remained locked, and I had legged Edward and Alice to leave me alone. My throat burned, and I knew I needed to feed, but I couldn't.

Hmm…I wonder…if blood is what makes vampires strong, and without it you weaken…if you abstain so long from feeding, will it eventually kill you? If I continue to be in this stupor—a place unlike limbo, I presume—will I die? Is there another way to kill an immortal than by fire?

More days passed, night skies filled with burning stars. And still I did not move. Someone knocked on my door loudly, and I flinched. "Go away," I said.

"No." Ugh. Edward was always so stubborn. Can't he see I don't want to talk to him?

"Jasper, get your ass up and unlock this door or I'll rip the hinges off and force a conversation out of you. I understand how you feel and what you've lost, but you've got to get up sometime and go after her, genius. Get the guitar out, write a fucking song, and get to the heart of the problem.

I turned over to look at the door. I couldn't believe his words right now. Why the change of heart? "I was under the impression you hated Bella and I together." A trickle of something rose in my throat as I said her name. I couldn't decipher what it was.

Edward scoffed behind the door. "Jasper, I'd be an idiot if I doubted your relationship now. I had come to terms, sure, but now I completely understand what she means to you and why you two have to be together. So I'm not complaining about that anymore. But I would like you to open the damn door so I can help you out."

I really didn't want to get up. I didn't think Edward's suggestion of a song was going to convince her to take me back this time. But he was starting to annoy me, so I reluctantly got out of the bed and unlocked the door for him. I sat back down on the bed as Edward opened the door.

First he went over to my desk and gathered my notebook full of songs and a pen and placed it next to me on the bed. Then he got my electric out of the corner, plugged it into the amp, turned it on, and shoved it into my hands, giving me the pick.

"Now," he said, "you do remember how to play guitar, right?"

I looked at him darkly, and he laughed. "Good. Now play me a tune."

I sat there dumbly. I didn't know a tune. I couldn't think of anything besides an angry jumble of distorted chords for a full-on hardcore metal song.

Edward sighed, exasperated. "Okayyy then, we'll start with the lyrics." He turned the amp off, and replaced the guitar with my notebook. "Write every emotions and words going through your head. Don't hold back anything. I'll help you edit stuff afterwards, but for now take the confusing puzzle in your head and place it on the sheet of paper.

I did exactly as I was told. Of course, it took forever, but Edward didn't seem to mind. He seemed to really be studying the pieces of paper intently, like he was analyzing who I was, even though he could sort through my thoughts in my brain.

He helped me delete words, add phrases, and clean up my thoughts, till we both thought we had a solid case resting in our hands. And after that, we added the guitar to it—many, many angry riffs were added on my part as I grew angrier with myself with each word. And finally it was all finished and sorted through.

"Okay!" Edward said, satisfied. "Let's hear the final result, all the way through, no pausing."

I nodded, and started off with one of my lesser riffs, playing for a while until we got down to the lyrics.

"Exchanging beauty for the ashes. Given my heart to nothing real. Exchanging beauty for the ashes. Given my heart to nothing real. I've given my heart away to so many things."

"Wait!" Edward said, and my music paused. "I just got a really awesome idea! You know Bella can never get the full meaning of the song unless she hears the music out load. Then she can grasp the concept of your angst. We'll record this and put it on a cd for her to listen to."

"It's not gonna work," I said dully. "Bella doesn't listen to screaming music. She says it's too shrill and she can't understand the words."

"So give her a set of the lyrics to follow along with. And hate to break it to you, but she has started listening to screaming bands."

I rolled my eyes, but gave in. I spoke clearly into the microphone. "Hey, Bella. Don't know how much you'll like this song, but I felt I owed it to you to know how I'm feeling. I think you need to hear it. I love you, and I miss you, and hope you enjoy the song."

I started back up at the riff, then screamed out the lyrics. "Exchanging beauty for the ashes. Given my heart to nothing real. Exchanging beauty for the ashes. Given my heart to nothing real." More riffs. "I've given my heart away to so many things. So many times I've failed. Help me stop this endless cycle. Remind me of how it can be."

I played more chords. "Take me back. I surrender all. Without you, my heart is broken."

Heavier riffs…then I started to sing the lyrics. "I never should have let you go. I never should have let you slip through my arms. I never should have let you go. I never should have let you slip through my arms. I never should have let you go. I never should have let you slip through my arms. I never should have let you go. I never should have let you slip through my arms. I never should have let you go. I never should have let you slip through my arms.

"As the sun sets tonight, I'll hold you with all that I am. As the sun sets tonight, I'll hold you with all that I am. As the sun sets tonight, I'll hold you with all that I am.

"I never should have let you go. Promise me you'll stay with me forever, forever. I never should have let you go. Promise me you'll stay with me forever, forever. I never should have let you go. Promise me you'll stay with me forever, forever."

More riffs for about 45 seconds, then I started screaming the lyrics again. "Forgive me for running so quickly to the outside. Forgive me for running so quickly to the outside."

"Perfect!" Edward commented, uploading it and burning it onto a cd. I took a Sharpie out, wrote 'Just Listen' on the cd, and sent it to her via mail. Tomorrow I'd be waiting to see her reaction.

Edward stayed in the room with me for a long time. He was flipping through all the thoughts in my brain, all the random scenarios going through my mind. I felt very certain this thing of ours wasn't going to work, but Edward kept trying to instill hope in me.

Alice joined us later on, all happy and bubbling that I was at least acting a little less depressed, and excitedly asked if she could listen to the song. She gushed at how beautiful the lyrics were and said if Bella didn't go to me after this, then she was mentally insane. Her optimistic attitude seemed to cheer me up a bit, and give me a moral boost of confidence.

The Emmett decided he wanted to join in when he and Rosalie got home from who knows where. Rosalie turned her nose up and walked right past my door without a second glance. We were all lying on the bed, just reveling in each other's company until Emmett. He started the jokes that got us all laughing. He was cussing every five seconds, kept calling us by out weird nicknames (Jazzykins, Fuckward, and Mary Alice Malice), and making sure we were all okay.

"You and I gotta go hunting tomorrow, Jazz," he told me.

I shook my head. "I can't. Not tomorrow. I have to do something. But definitely the next day."

His eyes narrowed into slits, suspicious of the day's activities. But he didn't say anything more about it; just went back to making us laugh and feel better about ourselves.

I had almost forgotten how amazing these people were. For so long I felt they had resented and hated me, but it was kind of the opposite. They actually did care about hoe I felt. Beyond all reason, they cared about me, and that was incomprehensible to me. It was unfathomable that in my darkest hour, they find a way to lift my spirits and almost make me whole again.

We watched the sunset come up and hide behind the trees and Edward looked at me with all-knowing expression, and offered to come with me for moral support. I took him up on the offer, and together we hid in the leaves of the tree right outside Bella's window, which looked tightly shut and locked.

She wasn't in her room when we first appeared, but after a few minutes she appeared in her room and sat on her bed, eating cereal and reading _Pride and Prejudice and Zombies_ by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith. I snorted quietly at her choice of book. What, suddenly she was into zombies and werewolves and vampires and wizards? Who corrupted her innocent soul?

Beside me Edward chuckled, and we waited for Bella to check the mail she'd brought up to her bedroom with her. But she didn't. She kept reading the book with interest until her phone started ringing, and she answered it.

"Hello?" an annoyed expression flickered across her face, and she rolled her eyes. "No, Dad, I'm fine…I'm sitting here reading a book…Well, it's not like I'm gonna go off myself…Okay, that was one time and it was because I lost the love of my life, who, by the way, wants back in the picture, but I know you won't let him."

I couldn't believe my ears right now. Was she seriously telling Charlie about this? But…she said we weren't ready for this. That's what she'd said yesterday…

No, not yesterday. I was writing her song and hanging out with my family yesterday. Maybe she'd changed her mind since I'd been out of commission…How long was I out for, anyway?

"Two months," Edward whispered in my ear.

Two months?! Holy shit! It had been that long? Well, no wonder everyone had been worried about me.

I went back to listening to her conversation.

"…see what the problem is. You don't even know him! You've just heard what he's done but that does not make him a bad person…Oh, for God's sake I know it ruined me, but you don't know why he left! And it doesn't matter now…I can't tell you that."

Her face had gone pale. She ran her fingers through her hair. "Because it's personal! You know what? I can't wait to move out of this place and away from you. I made a huge mistake living with you as long as I have. I should have left the minute I turned eighteen."

She shut her phone, and chucked the mail at the wall. I winced as my cd _pinged_ against the wall, but it got Bella's attention. She went over to it, picked it up slowly, and read the cd.

She put it in the player and unfolded the lyrics to follow along with.

I heard my own voice from the speakers. _"Hey, Bella. Don't know how much you'll like this song, but I felt I owed it to you to know how I'm feeling. I think you need to hear it. I love you, and I miss you, and hope you enjoy the song."_

The song started, and I relived it with her, infiltrating all her emotions. Sadness, guilt, sympathy, longing, denial. I don't think she wanted the song to end. And I didn't either, because I think the words were actually getting to her. She'd pinched the bridge of her nose and closed her eyes, and her emotions were getting stronger…

But then the song ended. She got up to shut the stereo off. "Give it a rest, Jasper," she mumbled.

I was panic stricken—almost fell out of the tree. "No," I moaned. "No!"

Before I could give us away, Edward has us speeding to the meadow and away from Bella.

"No!" I shouted. "She can't—she can't do this to me! She stood up to Charlie, she wants to be with me, I know it! Why can't she just let go and for once do something for herself? She's so worried about pleasing other people that she puts herself down. Why does the do that? She deserves to be treated like she matters. _I _treated her life she matters. Why? Why did she do this to me?"

I was hyperventilating; long, gasping breaths moving my frozen chest up and down. Every breath hurt. I couldn't feel the pain, but it _hurt_. My insides _hurt_. Everything about me was bruised. I let her slip away…

I guess there's just no rest for the wicked…

--------------------

Sorry it took so long to get out! I had really bad writer's block, and I couldn't find any inspiration. But I finally finished the chapter.

Guess what? It's my birthday! Leave me good reviews, pretty please?


	25. White Horse

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Taylor Swift. Totally not mine.

-Bella's POV-

I don't know how long it has been since I'd seen Jasper. Maybe a month, maybe more. Time ceased to mean anything to me anymore. Not since I let him go. That say in the meadow, telling him goodbye, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But by some miracle, I kept a straight face until I made it home.

And then I cried into my pillow all day. I cried about everything—Jacob, Jasper, all of t—and I didn't want to get up for work the next day. So I called in sick, and tried to sleep. Charlie came in my room before work, and I pretended to be asleep to avoid confrontation with him.

I'd been going through the motions without actually seeing anything. It was like I was a zombie again. Charlie tried to talk to me about it, but I changed the subject to something more light. I didn't want to open my big mouth because I know I'd blame him for everything. He was essentially the reason I couldn't see Jasper, and I didn't want to leave him all alone in this house.

Most days I had nothing to do because I didn't have to work, so I'd listen to music and sit on my bed reading as many supernaturally-themed books as I could. I read every vampire novel known to man, werewolf books, the Harry Potter series, and then I got bored. So I switched to movies and shows. I watched _True Blood_ and _The Vampire Diaries_, and other movies. I watched hours upon hours of _Supernatural_. I was filling the void of Jasper by surrounding myself with the supernatural.

And things seemed to be getting a little better. I was smiling pleasantly at Charlie, and holding actual conversation with people. I seemed to be fooling him, while I buried myself in fillers, and pretending Jasper was outside my window, still watching over me, even though I told him to go away. And he may not understand my reasoning, but it makes perfect sense to me. Maybe on say he'll make some sense of it.

On this particular day I got up to go to work, and things were going okay. I was holding a pretty interesting conversation with Mike, and the bells rung. I turned to the door to help the customers, and saw two people I didn't want to talk to—Emmett and Rosalie.

Emmett was pushing Rosalie though the door. Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest and she wore a severe scowl that did nothing to dampen her beauty. Emmett, as usual, had a grin on his face and his bear-like body moved fast towards the counter where I was standing.

"Hey, Bella, what's up?" He held a hand out and I took it, shaking it with a puzzled expression on my face.

"Er, nothing, really…" Why was he talking to me?

"So here's the deal, sis, I'm under specific orders from Edward to come and see how you are, because Jasper won't tell us a thing."

I wanted to blush at what he was talking about, but I couldn't. My face paled at Jasper's name.

"I'm fine. Just great."

"He didn't hurt you, did he?"

This time my face _did_ flush. "No! No, it was fine. He didn't hurt me…"

"So he didn't hurt you, but are you hurt?"

I hurt myself by hurting him, so I guess. "Not physically," I responded.

"Mhm…and your reason for dumping him was what, Bella?"

"Charlie," I stated simply, not wanting to really explain the full extent of my reasoning proves. I'd be explaining for ages.

I heard a sigh from the entrance. "Emmett, I have better things to do," Rosalie said impatiently.

"Like what, Rose? Get your hair done?"

I stifled a snort, but Rosalie still heard it and shot me a look of pure hatred and venom.

"No, I don't have to get my hair done. I have to stop by Carlisle's office and talk to him about something important."

Emmett rolled his eyes, and I stifled a giggle. "Okay, Rose, we'll leave in a minute."

He turned back to me with a twinkle in his golden eyes. "How…how is he?" I asked hesitantly. "How's Jasper?"

"Under orders of Edward, I'm not allowed to release such content of personal matter. So, use your imagination, Bells. Sorry."

"It's okay. I just don't want him to be lonely because of me. I have a damn good reason why I let him go, and I hope he understands why, an doesn't take it too personally."

"Yeah, I'll keep that in mind." He drummed his fingers on the counter. "Well, my work here is done, and Rosalie's gonna kick my ass if I don't leave soon, so I'll see ya later!"

They left as soon as they had come, and I was left staring at their exit, wondering what he hell had just happened.

A throat cleared behind me, and broke me out of my reverie as I looked back at Mike. "You okay, Bella?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." _Just fine._ My response to everything these days.

"What was that about?"

"Oh, he was just making sure I was okay, since a lot had happened with me lately."

"Right. I heard things were bad for you with Jacob dying."

"Yeah, it was awful for me for a while. But things are finally good again."

"Good."

I didn't really feel like conversing, so I just focused on finishing my shift and going back home.

When I got home, Charlie was already there, planted on the couch watching SportsCenter and eating leftover spaghetti from the night before. I didn't utter a word to him as I entered the house. Instead, I just went up the stairs to my bedroom and lay down to think.

Emmett's visit didn't make sense. He was a little late. I mean, it wasn't yesterday I told Jasper goodbye. I may have been out of it, but at least I knew more time had passed. So why ask now if I was okay?

And what was up with him not being able to say if Jasper was okay? That was a bad sign, wasn't it? It meant he was in horrible shape and/or probably tried to commit suicide again. But I couldn't be with him, and that was that.

After a while, I put some Beethoven on and feel asleep to his symphonies.

The next thing I knew, the sun was waking me up the next morning. I yawned, stretched, and checked my phone for the time; 9:37 AM. That was later than normal, but I was under a lot of stress, so the extra hours were acceptable now.

I got ready for the day, then went outside to get the mail. I've learned from spending the summer vacation at home in a small house all alone that the mailman makes his rounds a lot earlier than I had expected.

Without really looking at it, I sat the mail down in the kitchen counter. I'd sort through it later. Mostly it was just bills and junk mail for Charlie; I never got anything unless it was from Renee.

I opened a cabinet and got out a ceramic bowl and poured cereal into it, adding milk. Then I picked the mail back up and went up to my bedroom.

On my dresser was the book I had started reading: _Pride and Prejudice and Zombies._ So far it was really good, so I opened it and began reading while I ate.

I don't know how long I had been reading for, but my cell started buzzing at my side. Caller I.D. said it was Charlie. Ugh. He was checking in to make sure I don't try and kill myself again.

I rolled my eyes and answered. "Hello?"

"Bella?" Charlie said from the receiver. "Are you okay? Were you doing something?"

"No, Dad, I'm fine."

"Well, what are you doing?" he pressed.

_Oh, just sitting on the bathroom floor slitting my wrists because I slept with Jasper._

"I'm sitting here reading a book."

"Oh." There was a rustling sound on the other end of the line. I wondered what he was doing. "You _sure_ everything's all right?"

"Well, it's not like I'm gonna go off myself," I said, half sarcastic, half annoyed.

"Don't even joke around about that, Bella! I didn't appreciate picking your bloody body off that bathroom floor! I thought I was gonna lose you…I do _not_ want that to happen again." I could just imagine his face turning purple as he spoke those words.

But I did kind of feel bad about that. But that didn't erase how pissed I was at him. "Okay, that was one time and it was because I lost the love of my life, who, by the way, wants back in the picture, but I know you won't let him."

Charlie. The only thing in the way of Jasper and I—the only reason I said goodbye, knowing it would rip his heart out of his chest.

"Isabella Marie Swan, do _not_ talk to me like that! I know what's best for you, and what's best for you is to stay away from that guy. He's not good for you, and if you let him back in, he's just going to leave you even worse than you were last time."

I shook my head in disbelief. I refused to believe that. And if Charlie had only made an ounce of effort to get to know Jasper, he would see that it's exactly the opposite with him.

"Charlie, you don't see what the problem is. You don't even know him! You've just heard what he's done but that does not make him a bad person."

"Well, obviously he is if he could just leave you like that. Do you even recognize what you were like all those months while he was away?"

"Oh, for God's sake I know it ruined me, but you don't know why he left! And it doesn't matter now."

"Of course it matters, Bella. Why wouldn't it?"

"I can't tell you that." My face had gone ashen, thinking that maybe Charlie was getting a little too suspicious of Jasper's motives.

"And why is that?"

"Because it's personal!" I spat out hotly. "You know what? I can't wait to move out of this place and away from you. I made a huge mistake living with you as long as I have. I should have left the minute I turned eighteen."

I hung up the phone, and in a fit of rage, I chucked the mail at the wall. I heard something plink against it and went to investigate.

It was a cd. How had I not noticed this before? The cover said 'Just Listen' in Jasper's handwriting, and it included a nice set of lyrics to the song he wrote me.

I put it in my cd player, and his voice came on. My heart ached right then just hearing him, and automatically I regretted letting him go. But I had to remind myself I let him go for a reason, and that reason was a very good one.

For the remainder of the song I had to keep reminding myself of the reason I left him. It wasn't an easy thing to do, because with every word that Jasper sang, I felt a tug on my heart and wanted to jump in my Chevy and run away with him. But I couldn't let my emotions control me…not this time around.

When it was all over, and I got up to turn the stereo off, I also shut off my emotions. "Just give it a rest, Jasper," I said, knowing he couldn't hear me.

And then I went back to bed, and didn't wake up again until it was dark out.

The next day Charlie didn't have to work. He stayed home to make sure I didn't kill myself. I haven't talked to him all day, and I've been locked up in my room, purposely annoying him with my loud music drowning out his TV.

I played Jasper's song again and listened to the lyrics and tried to come up with a rational response to the words in a way that wouldn't hurt him too bad. I'd been trying to think of what Jasper meant to me and kind of explain what was going on.

And then it hit me. Jasper was a vampire. (Okay, that revelation came around a long time ago, but there's a point to this.) Vampires are dark princes, right? Sort of the fairy tale creature in a horror story. But for me, everything had been like an actual fairy tale with him. Like Cinderella, I was the girl in rags who happened to snag the prince and become a beautiful princess.

So I created a song for it.

Now, I wasn't exactly musically talented like Jasper was, and I couldn't sing, so making him a cd back was out of the question. All I had was words—which was more like a poem without a tune—but my point would still get across.

I wrote them out in a neat hand.

'So you're sorry, that face of an angel comes out just when you need it to. And I paced back and forth all this time 'cause I honestly believed in you. Holding on, and days drag on. Stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known.

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one to sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around.

Baby I was naive, got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance. My mistake, I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand. I had so many dreams about you and me; happy endings. Now I know.

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale. I'm not the one to sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you went and let me down. Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around.

There you are on your knees, begging for forgiveness, begging for me. Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry.

'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale. I'm gonna find someone somewhere who might actually treat me well. This is a big world, that was a small town there in my rearview mirror disappears now. Now its too late for you and your white horse. Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now. Try and catch me now. It's too late to catch me now.'

Despite my reluctance, I eventually left my room to mail Jasper my lyrics. I felt Charlie's eyes on me, but I didn't speak to him.

Then I shut, locked my door, and turned Nirvana up full blast.

_**!#$%^&***_

They say time passes. And that it heals everything. Such liars they are! It's been more time away from Jasper, and the wounds haven't healed. Summer is ending and senior year is about to start. I'm all alone. I don't know if Jasper will be there, or care to talk to me, and I'm still as hurt as I was before.

I was cooking eggplant parmesan for myself when Charlie got home from work.

"Smells good, Bells, what it is?"

I rolled my eyes. Why does he always pretend things are hunky-dory between us? I've been ignoring him the best I could while snapping at his pleasantries and being perfectly rude to him. I felt kind of bad, but until he eased up on the Jasper situation, that's just the way it was going to be.

"Nothing for you. It's eggplant parmesan, which I'm sure you don't want."

Charlie made a grunting noise. "What's with you being vegetarian now?"

"And what's wrong with it? There's nothing wrong with having a healthy, less fat diet packed with protein." That was my excuse—I wanted to be a healthier eater. But I knew I was doing it because of Jasper. His family call themselves vegetarians because they abstain from human blood. I'm a vegetarian by abstaining from animal blood. Yeah, I'm pretty screwed up all right.

Charlie grunted again. "You sure it's edible?"

I turned to glare at him. "No, there are pieces of glass that are gonna cut my throat open when I eat it. Yes, it's edible, Charlie. Wouldn't make it if it wasn't."

He cleared his throat and his face turned almost purple from the way I was talking to him. "Fine, I'll try some. It's better than nothing. You should, uh, turn your music down, though."

Metallica was playing very loudly through the speakers. "Yeah, thanks for the suggestion, but that's not gonna happen."

I made dinner, and set a plate out for Charlie, and took mine up to my room before Charlie could protest and sit me down at the table; put on a pretense of one small happy family. _So_ not likely.

I ate silently, watched a new episode of _The Vampire Diaries _and completely empathizing with the Elena girl. She broke up with Stefan, I broke up with Jasper, and we're both alone, despite how much we want to be with them. We're sad cases, we are.

Charlie knocked on my door a couple of hours later, and I let him in. "Just coming to tell you goodnight."

"Yeah, sure." I wasn't going to fall asleep any time soon though—too much on my mind."

" Look, Bella, I'm not sure really what's going on with you…"

"You know exactly what's going on, Charlie," I said softly.

"No, I'm really not sure. I'm not sure if it's about Jacob's death or—"

"You know damn _well_ it's not about him, Charlie!" I exploded. "This is about Jasper, and how utterly ignorant you are being to my feelings. Do you not see how miserable I am without him?"

"Well, I don't see why. I mean, it's not like you two were so serious."

"That's the thing, Charlie; you never paid attention to how serious it really was. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I was so serious about how I felt for him that I didn't care he'd already had a girlfriend when we met; I would have done whatever it took to be with him. I took one look at him in that Biology classroom last year and I knew he was someone I'd obsess over. One look was all it took to prove to myself he was the one I'd spend the rest of my life with." _The rest of my existence_, I added in my mind.

"What was his response?"

"At first he refused to talk to me, because of Alice."

"Alice?" he asked me.

I rolled my eyes. "His girlfriend at the time. Then he said they had nothing in common and told me I was different, and deserved to have this amazing life with an abundance of friends. He told me I was special. He wanted to be with me just as much as I did.

"But he was _scared_, that's something you have to understand. He was terrified that I'd grow up and figure out the world before he did, and I'd leave him. He didn't want to be hurt, so he hurt me first. And he left, trying to figure out who he was and what he wanted, and all he wanted was me, but you made me push him away. You forced him to be a figure in my past when I needed him in the present.

"I needed him so much, Dad, and you chalked it up to me needing to be away from him. After Jake died, I needed him so much; it hurt to be away from him. He's the only person I want to be with mentally or physically. He's the only person I've ever been with mentally _and_ physically."

"You slept with him?" I was surprised at how calmly he asked me that question. I thought he'd flip out, start yelling, blow through the roof. But he was calm—serene, almost. It was weird; made me uncomfortable.

"Well, yeah."

"You slept with him, but not Jacob?"

"Well, I thought about it, but Jacob didn't want to. And after he died, I felt like it was my fault and needed to forget him. And I turned to Jasper, and I just knew the timing was right. And…I don't know, it seemed worth it."

"You're not pregnant, so I'm assuming you were careful. Look, Bella, I asked you to stay away from him because he's bad news. He…he just looked like he tried to influence you into doing stuff you didn't want to. You were already down a sleep slop, and when he came back I didn't know if he'd drag you down harder. He was bad news, Bells."

"And now?"

"And now I still don't want you seeing him. You're under my roof, and I don't think it's very appropriate. However, should you decide to move out, you'll have your own place, and own life, and I can't stop you from making those decisions."

I thought about what he just said. As great as that would be, I just couldn't abandon Charlie that way. Not yet, at least. Despite the fighting we've been going through, I still felt obligated to stay here with him. And ultimately sacrificing my own happiness, too.

"Well, uh, goodnight, Bella."

"Yeah, sure."

He shut my door and I lay down on my bed, staring at the Nirvana poster on my ceiling. Everything is just so screwed up right now. The solution didn't seem clear at all, either. Everything was just a cloudy mess—a distant shadow beckoning you to follow them this way and that; through winding turns and wrong directions so you're all frustrated and confused. I didn't know what was around the corner, or up the path, or even where it was leading me, but I knew everything happened for a damn good reason.

I tried to think about why I'd just spilled my guts in front of Charlie. I mean, we haven't exactly had the best father/daughter relationship lately, so why now?

Maybe it's because I hadn't vented to anyone in forever. I'd kept my mouth shut around Emmett, around Mike. I had no one to talk to. And I missed that with Jasper. I missed him really listening to anything and caring about the smallest little things. Like, of I was frustrated I had no clothes to wear, he'd seriously listen. And then we'd laugh about it later.

I didn't get that with Jacob. He'd say I was insane. Well, hell, maybe I am. I'd have to be to tell my father I just slept with someone not too long ago. At least he didn't know Jasper was a vampire. That would just enhance his serious dislike for him. He wouldn't let me speak to the Cullen family ever again, probably.

Well, it doesn't matter. Charlie will never know they are vampires. And he already made up his mind I can't see Jasper. I guessed I could hang on for the rest of the year until I graduated. Then I wouldn't have to feel guilty for abandoning Charlie. Then I could honestly and freely be in love with Jasper.

If he'd take me back. Who knows how he'll feel about me a year from now? Will he hate me? Will he leave Forks without me? Will he hook up with Tanya again? Or worse, will he go and live with Maria and Waylon?

I shuddered, thinking about all the awful possibilities. Who knew if he'd even show up for school next week. Maybe he'd already skipped town in search of forgetting me completely.

I guess I'd just find out next week.

I tossed in my bed, and faced my bare wall. It would be impossible to sleep tonight.

* * *

So Bella is a vegetarian, like me. Yay! Lol. I kinda felt the need to make her a vegetarian for some reason. Don't ask me why; I don't know how my brain works.

Anyways, I have a question to ask all you lovely readers. Since the story is coming to a close (two more chapters left!!!) I was wondering what you all would think if I posted some material that didn't make it in the book. Originally I was going to put in Jasper's journey to meet up with Maria when he left Bella, and follow him back to Forks. But instead I wrote about Bella's life without Jasper. When I finish the book, would any of you be interested in seeing the missing chapters of Jasper's life without Bella? I'll totally write it up and put it in here if anyone cares. Tell me what ya think!


	26. Skin At 2 AM

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the songs are by Alexz Johnson. Totally not mine.

The first day of school loomed over me like a thunderhead. It threatened to rain down; give me its wrath of thunder and lightning. I was completely dreading the day.

Waking up this morning had been awful. I'd been up all night, anticipating what was going to happen and how people were going to look at me. I could almost feel them whispering in my head, talking about the latest gossip with me, just like they did last year when Jasper left.

I'd hardly minded last year. I ignored the whispers and pretended they didn't exist. I was so out of it that I just didn't care. But I knew if it happened again it would irritate me. This time, I just knew it would, because it's my fault.

But that didn't really matter at this point. I couldn't stomach a breakfast this morning. I'd changed my outfit a dozen times, finally settling for light wash jeans and a black t-shirt. I brushed my straight hair a million times, brushed my teeth twice, bit my lip till it bled, and attempted to put on makeup.

And now I was in my truck, heading to Forks High. I could see the parking lot from where I was, and parked in my usual spot. I cut the engine off, then went to the office to pick up my schedule.

First period Creative Writing, Mrs. Bennett. Oh, God, why did I sign up for this class? Why did I let Mr. Berty convince me to take this course? The AP Lit would be a walk in the park, but I don't know how I'd survive this class. I wasn't even that great a writer.

I walked slowly to the class and the bell rang just as I entered the classroom. A tall lady with ink black hair well past her shoulders greeted me. She had a clipboard in her hand.

She smiled at me as I walked in the door and sat down in the last seat in the first row. I took deep breaths to calm myself, and avoided looking at the door. I don't want to know who else was talking the class.

People filed in, and Mrs. Bennett stood up, giving someone a hug. "It's so good to see you again, Jasper!" My head shot up instinctively. "How was your summer?"

Out of the corner of my eye I saw him shrug. "Spent all summer in cold and unfeeling territory. Switzerland is a lot colder than I expected it to be."

My heart pumped overtime. He looked like he didn't care (or didn't see) I was right there. He looked like a god—all golden and beautiful, not a single thing wrong with him. He was completely over me, I knew it.

"Oh, well I bet you had fun despite the cold. Tell those parents of yours I said hi. I'm so glad to have you back in my class."

"I'll tell them. And I wouldn't miss this class for the world. Creating Writing has always been my favorite."

"Did you write any good lyrics this summer?"

I realized I was holding my breath the entire time listening to the conversation. He better not talk about the song he wrote me.

"I did, in fact. It's called _American Love_. I'll let you read it sometime."

The late bell rang, and he took the open seat next to me. "Bella," he greeted courteously.

I couldn't say anything back. I was frozen solid with shock. He was talking to me. Talking as if I hadn't hurt him. Talking as if we were somewhat friends in a platonic relationship; like we had never been together at all…

Mrs. Bennett explained what Creative Writing was all about and how the class was going to work, and she gave us an assignment to quote anything at all. Something we really liked, or connected with.

She wanted to hear Jasper's song. Maybe I'll just a quote that for her.

The bell rung and I walked slowly to my next class, P.E. I knew I was going to dread having to exercise this early in the morning, though I doubted we'd be doing any exercise at all the first day.

I walked very slowly to the gymnasium, but instantly cursed when I saw who was in the gym on the bleachers. Jasper Hale. What was he doing, stalking me? Trying to make me feel guilty for what I'd done? Well, whatever his motives were, they were working.

All through P.E. I sulked in a corner and waited silently until the class was over to go to Chemistry. Maybe that class wouldn't be so bad. I could sit next to some faceless person and dwell on my thoughts all period.

When I entered the classroom, I took an empty seat at the back tables. I got all my stuff together and was taking something out of my backpack when someone sat down next to me. I wasn't necessarily paying attention to the person next to me until they said, "Hey, Bella."

My back stiffened and I looked at Jasper, my eyes flashing. "You have got to be kidding me!" I stated.

"What?"

"The first three classes? What, did you make sure you had all the classes I did? Are you really that hell bent on revenge that you want to piss me of by your presence?"

His eyes turned wide with fake innocence. "I'm sorry, id my presence bothering you?"

"Yes, extremely so. I don't enjoy having to see your face for the first three hours of the day. I hate school enough as it is; I don't need you making me even more miserable than I already am. I feel bad about what I did to you, but I don't need you shoving it in my face!"

The bell rang before he could respond and the teacher started talking about some random stuff I wasn't listening to. I was too busy plotting the ways to get Jasper away from me.

While the teacher droned on, I looked down at my school schedule—Western Civ, lunch, AP Lit, and College Algebra. The schedule was so depressing. And if Jasper was in any more of my classes, I was going to scream my head off.

I help my breath and I walked out of class and to my Western Civilization class, then let the breath out when Jasper never entered. Thank God. I didn't know how much more of him I could take.

It turned out, a lot more than I had anticipated. Jessica was giving me the cold shoulder, and I didn't feel like dealing with her icy glares, so I sat at the table in the back with Jasper, Alice, and Edward. I studiously ignored him the whole time and kept myself busy by talking to Alice about some new dress I'd bought and kept myself busy by describing the whole dress to her. It made her happy to talk about fashion, so I was being nice and indulging her.

Jasper and Edward were talking quietly about something, completely ignoring Alice's and my conversation. They were speaking way too low for me to hear, and I had a feeling Jasper wasn't even talking—Edward was picking thoughts out of his mind and responding.

After lunch the rest of the day was perfectly normal and boring. No more Jasper in my classes to make me feel bad. I was glad when the day was over and I could enter my warm Chevy and go home and sleep the school off of me.

But of course I was stuck behind Edward's Volvo picking up Alice and Jasper. For vampires, they obviously weren't very fast when it came to being some place.

Eventually I got home in a pissed off mood. I unlocked the door and opened it with a bang and shut it loudly. I noisily ran up the steps, tripping in my haste, and opened my bedroom door and flung open the notebook sitting on my desk.

Jasper was the only person who could make me so angry and sad at the same time. He'd inspired more writing out of me. I wasn't sure if it was a god thing I was letting him control my emotions like this. Did it mean he won? Did it mean I was getting careless and slipping in my decision?

No. Not yet, at least. But if I didn't toughen up and act like he wasn't bothering me that was exactly what would happen.

And when things start to suck, I write. I thought seriously about how he was making me feel today, and I knew just what I wanted to say.

As neat as I could ('cause I didn't have the patience to write it out twice) I wrote the song out.

'I drift away to a place, another kind of life. Take away the pain. I create my paradise. Everything I've held has hit the wall. What used to be yours isn't yours at all. Falling apart, and all that I'm asking: Is it a crime, am I overreacting?

He's under my skin. Just give me something to get rid of him. I've got a reason now to bury this alive; another little white lie.

So what you had didn't fit among the pretty things. Never fear, never fear, I now know where you've been. Braids have been un-tied as ribbons fall away. Leave the consequence, but my tears you'll taste. Falling apart and all that I question: Is this a dream or is this my lesson?

He's under my skin. Just give me something to get rid of him. I've got a reason now to bury this alive; another little white lie.

I don't believe I'll be all right. I don't believe I'll be okay. I don't believe how you've thrown me away. I do believe you didn't try. I do blame you for every lie. When I look in your eyes, I don't see mine.

He's under my skin. Just give me something to get rid of him. I've got a reason now to bury this alive; another little white lie. My permission to sin. You might have started my reckoning. I've got a reason now to bury him alive; another little white lie.'

As I read over the words, I wondered which guy in my life I was writing about—Jasper or Charlie? I guess I started off being angry with Jasper for today. And despite Charlie and I making a habit to be nicer to each other, I was still upset about his rules. I guess the song was a little bit about both of them…just venting about how they make me feel.

As if I hadn't done enough of that already! I'd totally embarrassed myself yelling at Jasper today. And I'd completely let my little secret's slip out when I yelled at Charlie. Okay, more like big secrets slipped out, but at least I'd kept Jasper and the Cullen's fondles for blood out of it. Nothing in the world was going to do that.

I got a little sleep, and then woke up to cook some food. I wasn't exactly sure what to make, since Charlie didn't appreciate my vegetarian dishes, so I just made a big salad with lots of fruits and vegetables in it. I mixed a low calorie dressing into it and placed the bowls on the table along with Charlie's beer.

We ate practically in silence. He asked about school, and I asked him about work, and that was that. We just ate salad, and thought. Well, I was thinking. Charlie was listening to the score of some game blaring through the TV. It was back to old times between us.

After I'd cleaned the dishes and stuff, I went back up to my room to read or write something. Nothing really sparked my interest. And my cell phone seemed lame now that I didn't have Jacob to text.

God, I missed the old days. Why did my life become so damn complicated? Why was I always in the center of drama? Guy I like turns out to be a vampire who left me. Best friend turns out to be a werewolf who died. Life is great so far!

With nothing to do, I just decided to sleep. I had to deal with Jasper again for three class period, and I was not looking forward to it at all. I'd have to sit next to him, be near him, and still try to concentrate on class work.

Oh, speaking of class work, what quote was I going to recite for Creative Writing? I wasn't bitchy enough to quote _American Love_ and every _Wuthering Heights _quote I could come up with sounded lame.

I booted up my laptop and went to Google. I typed in 'quotes of when you want to love someone, but you're afraid if you give it, he'll give it right back to you.'

Okay, I doubted a quote would come up for that. I was just being retarded. But surprisingly, one actually did. From a book called _Identical_. Funny, I'd heard Jasper mention that book a few times. Maybe quoting it was a good thing.

I wrote the passage down in my notebook, and then fiddled around on my laptop some more, reading spoilers for shows and listening to good music. There really wasn't anything better to do besides sleep, and I wasn't tired. So I just spent a while researching things and looking up people on Wikipedia. It was actually quite entertaining.

But eventually I did get tired, and so I made sure the alarm was turned on a shut the lights off. Sleep came easily, for I was in a hurry to escape towards a lesser reality filled with a myriad of sweet dreams. I wasn't quite sure what I dreamed about, but I woke up in a very blissful mood.

That confounded me. It had been a long time since I was this happy. And what for? The good mood seemed to come out of nowhere, infiltrating my body; a spirit possessing me. I wore its cloak, ready and eager to start the day.

I barely noticed Jasper's staring this morning. I was sitting on the bench, my notebook in my hand, trying to memorize my quote, when I felt his golden eyes pierce into mine, But I really didn't care. I just assumed he was dumbfounded by the way I looked. I'd actually put effort into how I'd looked today. There was nothing I could do about my long straight hair, but the rest I worked with.

I'd even bothered to wear makeup! I'd put on some translucent powder thing I didn't know much about. Then I had applied a little black liner and mascara. Nothing too amazing, but a step up from my usual bland looks. And I was wearing an outfit worthy of Alice's praise. It was some purple dress thing she'd given me, black leggings, and black ballet flats. I could just imagine her gushing over how I actually looked like a girl.

I smirked at Jasper's staring, and then went back to memorizing my quote until the bell rang. When it did, I closed the notebook and slung my backpack over my shoulder and walked to Creative Writing with my eyes trained to the ground.

I sat through that class for a while, doing nothing and just listening to other's quotes. A couple people quoted Nietzsche, one Buddha; some stoner guy quoted Bob Marley. The rest I failed to listen to until Jasper's name was called. I gave my full attention, and was surprised by the quote he gave.

"Love. It's so close to hate, it's almost indistinguishable. But this is how it was for the two of them. Love and hate. Life and death. Joy and anguish."

I stared at him as he sat back down, amazed by his words. Why did that resemble us so much? Why did those words make me yearn for him even more?

Mrs. Bennett called my name and I went to the front of the classroom, never breaking eye contact with Jasper.

"I'm doing a quote from the book _Identical_ by Ellen Hopkins."

Jasper laced his fingers together and sat straight up in his seat. I began quoting.

"Our fingers interlock and it feels like commitment. And that begins a tug-of-war inside me. I want Ian to give me all of himself. But that means returning the priceless gift. I want to open myself, let him inside. But how do I give what has always been taken? I want to know what it means to be in love. But in my dictionary, 'in love' in indefinable."

I sat back down again, my eyes still on Jasper's. His hands were clenched at his sides and he was biting his lip. I couldn't distinguish the look in his eyes. All I knew was that I wanted him, but I didn't _want_ to want him. And that was a very, very bad thing.

Later that night, his image reiterated itself over and over inside my brain. It just wouldn't go away. And I didn't know what to do about it.

I didn't want to give in to my feelings for Jasper. But I didn't want to be hostile and cold to him, or ignore him. I wanted to be friends with him, but was there any way to go back and be something we aren't? Could I ever fall out of love with the person I was destined with?

No change in hell. Our love was irrevocable, I knew that. And I wouldn't take back anything we'd been through in the last year. It helped me become more mature. I had found the love that everyone's sought for—with a little more than I had anticipated—and I wouldn't want to diminish that time just because it didn't all work out the way I had planned for it to.

I think that was the problem. I thought about things too much; spontaneity was something I just didn't do. Acting out without bothering to calculate all the consequences first were just too rash for me. That's what put me over the edge with Jasper. That day, without bothering to think about what would happen, he randomly asked if we could run away together. He wanted to get away from the world, just us two alone. But he didn't want me to be a vampire. He was confounding.

But that's just what made me love him even more. And I truly did want to run away with him…But what would people thing? What would it do to Charlie? What about Renee? I'd be the talk to this small, dreary town and my parents would be in hysterics. Of course I would call them, let them know I was safe, but they would be disappointed in me.

And the last time I was spontaneous, I'd lost my virginity, something Charlie wasn't all too comfortable with. So, that was out of the question.

But it was night. Jasper was on my mind. I was inspired. I opened my notebook, got a pen, and the words just floated out of my mind and onto the paper.

'Snow falls on the city, white on white. It's the color of hope on an unforgiving night. You kissed me in ruins, sin on sin. Now I've got to love your love letters written on my skin. I can't tell the stars from the downtown lights.

If I said I was truly over you, my heart would say amen. But I'd give in to the cold caress of 2 am. If I admit I can't get used to this, will my heart break again? As I fall into the waiting arms of 2 am.

Someone scratching music through the walls. Sirens weaving through the streets. I must have missed your call. I'm gathering up these nights, black on black. I know your voice like it's my own and it makes my heart go slack. I can't tell the stars from the downtown lights.

If I said I was truly over you, my heart would say amen. But I'd give in to the cold caress of 2 am. If I admit I can't get used to this, will my heart break again? As I fall into the waiting arms of 2 am.

I'm alive.

If I said I was truly over you, my heart would say amen. But I'd give in to the cold caress of 2 am. If I admit I can't get used to this, will my heart break again? As I fall into the waiting arms of 2 am, of 2 am.'

There was no excuse anymore. I had to talk to Jasper. I had to be completely honest and open with him about everything. I had to open myself up and let him in if I was willing to make any progress with him. And hope that it's enough for him to listen to. Hope he'll listen to every word, and see thing from my point of view. Hope we can somehow go back to common ground with each other…and maybe more as time passes and heals our souls.

I fell asleep quickly with these thoughts in my brain, and they picked right back up when I woke up a few hours later. I was fretting and distant as I nibbled on Pop Tarts next to Charlie, who kept asking me if I was okay. I'd smile weakly; say everything was just fine, and that my nerves of having to play volleyball in Gym were getting to me. He didn't buy it, but it was worth a shot.

I drove extra slow in my truck this morning, worrying about school and the first three periods with Jasper. The bell rang just as I parked the Chevy, and I hurried as fast as I could without tripping, to get to class. I fumbled down in my seas just as soon as the bell rang, and all eyes turned to me. Mt face went bet red, and I looked down at my notebook, opening it and tearing a piece of paper out.

'We need to talk; clear some things up.' I wrote, and put it on his desk.

He wrote back in a flash. 'Later, I'm trying to listen.'

I rolled my eyes in frustration, and balled up the paper. For the rest of class I just listened to Mrs. Bennett talk.

Then in P.E. I almost got killed. A ball got thrown so hard at my head I thought I got a concussion. But I was just left with a bad headache and people laughing at me.

My mood had darkened drastically by Chemistry class. I was glowering at the teacher, and scooting as far away from Jasper as possible. But I saw the piece of paper with his beautiful and perfect handwriting on it, and looked down at it curiously.

'Okay, let's talk. What do you need to say?'

I bit down on my lip and thought my hardest to come up with the right words.

'You understand why I did what I did, right?'

He gave the sheet back to me at lightning speed.

'Not a clue. Besides your pathetic Charlie excise, I'm in the dark. Is I because you're afraid I'll give your love back to you and leave again?'

Well…maybe that was part of it, but no. 'Charlie is not my pathetic excise. Is it so wrong to give my dad the closure he deserves? I said no to running away, because you don't think, you just do. And everyone around you has to suffer because of it. I used to think you dissected everything until nothing was left, but now I see your decisions are rash. And I can't let myself do that. I can't hurt the ones I love.'

'But you're hurting me...aren't I someone you love?'

'Of course you are, Jasper! I never meant to hurt you. But Charlie still has his no-tolerance rule going on. Even after I broke down and confessed the worst of our relationship, he still felt you were unhealthy for me. Charlie is my father. I need to respect his wishes.'

'Or just day to hell with him. Bella, Charlie may be your father, but he's not _you_. He can't feel your emotions. He can't look inside your head and witness how you feel about me. Only you can decide that. Only you know what's best for you. It's time you stopped doing what other people tell you and take control of your own life.'

I stared open-mouthed at the words. How could he say that? I make my own decisions. After all, no one make them for me. Sure, I might let people's words influence me a bit too much, but I always do what I think is right. He may feel my emotions, but he doesn't know the reason behind them. He many think he knows me, but really he's only scratched the surface of my complicated existence.

The paper crumbled beneath my hand, and for the rest of the class Jasper and I stopped passing notes. There was nothing left to say. He would never understand why I did the things I did; he'd never even bother to see things my way. I knew that now. He always called me stubborn, but look at him! He refused to believe anything anymore. So hung up on what he thinks is right, he won't break down and look at things from a different point of view.

Well, maybe Jasper is right. Maybe I did need to take more control over my own life. Maybe then I'd be happy. Jasper and I would be riding off into the sunset, holding hands as we went somewhere no one would find us. He'd change me into a vampire, and then spend all night talking, kissing, and doing other things couples in love did. It was the perfect life in front of my eyes.

Then the bell rang. And with it, all my daydreams of that perfect life were erased. I wouldn't give in, would I? Could I find the strength to refuse such an appealing offer?

I don't know. I just don't know anymore.

* * *

So I got this out to you in the spirit of New Moon. Which is an awesome movie! I went to the midnight premiere and it kicked some serious ass. I fell in love with it. A million times better than the first movie. But yeah, one last chapter and that's it. But I've got another idea for a story some of yall might like, so check back for it sometime.

(=

-Hailee


	27. A Call to Arms

Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight related whatsoever. It's gracefully Stephenie Meyer's.

Also, the song is by Bayside. Totally not mine.

-Jasper's POV-

Senior year was not going off to a good start. I'd managed to get Bella entirely pissed off at me, when that was the exact opposite from what I'd been trying to do. Without meaning to, I'd told her to get a life of her own and quit letting everyone influence her decisions. She stopped talking to me after that. I was trying to find a way to reverse the words, but I couldn't find the right time to talk to her.

Okay, I could find the right time, but I didn't want to risk getting yelled at again. I didn't want to face the heartache I'd had to deal with this summer. Literally, I'd been in a trance, and one day I just snapped out of it, refusing to believe that all we'd stood for was over. I knew there was something holing her back, and if that force was eliminated, everything would be okay.

Edward had actually been relieved I hadn't given up yet. After months of hating me, and the relationship I had with a human, he was being exceptionally gracious. And this time I knew he wasn't just doing that because Alice told him to; I knew he really meant it. But so far he hadn't helped me come up with any successful ideas.

After suffering a painful week at school, and one day hunting with Emmett, I was finally relaxing. It had been getting harder to relax and just be myself at school, and once I was alone in my bedroom with my acoustic and a notebook, I felt safe. I felt like I could conquer any challenge in the world with lyrics.

Addicted to blood? No problem, write a song about it. Hate being a vampire? Don't worry; just create some lyrics to make yourself feel better about it. Girl trouble? Write out all your angst. It will all be okay. Every fucking problem in the world will be solved with a simple song.

Of course I knew that wasn't true at all. I'd written Bella with a song, and she'd written one back saying she wasn't my princess in her little self-appointed fairy tale. Well, sweetie, life ain't a fairy tale. It might be filled with supernatural creatures, but it had never started with 'Once Upon a Time' or ended with 'Happily Ever After.' It wasn't black and white, a perfect story, everything exactly how you planned it. And when things go awry, you don't turn to other people to make up your mind. You take their words into consideration and then do what you think is best.

Or that's what I thought, anyway. Bella didn't seem to want to believe me on this subject. Okay, human knows best, right? An eighteen-year-old guesses the world better than an ancient vampire. Yep, that just makes total sense right there.

Well, anyways, without a plan to take Bella along on a journey with me, I was just sitting back and waiting for her to realize what her true desire for me was.

My phone rang then. I stared blankly at the name for a few seconds, then I quickly answered it. "Bella…hi."

"Um, hi, Jasper. I was calling to see if you all were coming to school tomorrow. The weather channel expects it to be pretty sunny…"

Down the hall Alice called out, "School tomorrow, we're definitely going!"

I chuckled. "Yeah, I'll be there."

"Oh." She sounded disappointed. "Well, do you think you and I could just be alone after school? I'd like to talk to you about some stuff privately."

Maybe she was finally giving in. "Sure. Do you want me to drive us over to your house?"

"Okay," she relented. "That sounds good. Um…well, bye, then."

"Bye."

I understood the privacy issue, nut that didn't really explain why she sounded so awkward and embarrassed.

That's when Alice came in, bouncing on her toes. "Bella wants to talk to you!" She said in a sing-song voice.

"Yeah. I hope it's a good thing; she sounded really nervous on the phone."

Alice bit her lip to keep from smiling too much. She was brimming with excitement. "You know what she wants to say, don't you?"

Alice nodded. "Not so much as say, but rather ask. She has a whole bunch of questions she wants answers for, and you're the only one who can give them to her. But it's definitely a good thing."

"Well, can you tell me what kind of questions she's asking? So I can be prepared?"

Alice giggled. "Sorry, I can't tell you that."

I groaned. "Alice!!!"

I picked her up by her tiny waist and threw her over my shoulder until she was hanging upside down. She screamed in surprise, and told me to put her down.

"Not until you tell me what she's gonna ask."

Alice kicked me in the stomach and I dropped her in surprise. She fell on her head, then got up and glared at me. "Can't you just wait, and be patient like every other human being?"

I scoffed. "Me? Human being? Patient? You sure that knock on your head didn't let some screws loose?"

She folded her arms across her chest and scowled. "I'm serious, Jasper. Wait and see. It will be worth your while. Besides…didn't you once say that waiting and anticipating is the best part?"

She smiled as I had no response for her words. As she left the room I called out, "Well, yeah, but I didn't mean it about that!"

Her only response back was her jovial laughter, and her and Edward's door shutting,

_Well, great,_ I thought. _Now I'll just spend all night and the whole school day wondering what in the hell she needs answers to. Surely not questions about vampires…I think we've covered that already. But…what about relationship questions? Maybe she's still trying to figure out how much she'd have to risk being with me._

And like I'd thought, I spent all night going through all the possibilities in my mind. Like a million times before, I went over the various conversations we could have. Most of them were funny and unrealistic. But it comforted me, somehow, just thinking of that many things she could be saying to me.

We all drove together as usual, in Edward's Volvo. I was silent in the backseat, barely listening to Alice's conversation with Edward. I was only vaguely aware of what they were talking about, until Edward decided to turn the conversation on me.

"So…talking with Bella after school…no wonder you're so nervous."

Of course that's why I'm nervous. What else is there to be nervous about?

Edward chuckled. "I like your theories."

My eyes narrowed. If he could read my mind, I could control his emotions. I sent a wave of anger that attacked his mind for a moment, then replaced it with serenity.

"I guess I had that coming," he chuckled again.

"Why don't you go find ways to read Bella's mind, rather than trying to read mine?" I suggested.

"Jasper, you know it's impossible to read."

"I didn't mean _literally._ Just like…accidentally get her to admit what she's after with your persuasive ways."

Edward chuckled. "That might be doable. But are you sure you don't wanna wait? I mean, the magic's in the mystery."

"Oh, please, Edward. I'm just about the most impatient person ever. I don't think I can wait until after school."

"Whatever, man. I'll get on it."

He parked his Volvo in the usual spot, and I made my way to Creative Writing. I was anxious to see Bella; see if she would talk to me at all. It was going to be absolute torture sitting next to her all three classes, and then lunch, knowing she had words for me.

Bella wasn't in her room when I got there. The bell hadn't rung yet, so I began to talk to Mrs. Bennett. I let her see my notebook of songs I'd written, the last one being _American Love_. She didn't get that far. But she glossed over how sad some were, even if I was an "exceptional writer with amazing talent" and I'd be "completely insane if I never got any of these published someday."

As if I'd never heard that one before. Mr. Berty told me that last year, Mr. Fitzgerald the year before, Mrs. Cohen the year before that…I've been writing for as long as I could remember, and I've never published anything. If I did, I'd have to come up with a lot of pseudonyms.

Suddenly an overpowering scent knocked the breath out of me. I tensed up, balling my fists, and my eyes went wide as Bella took a seat next to me. It's been ages since Bella's scent has taken over me like that; why did it suddenly start back up again?

Maybe I was just psyching myself out. I'd been stressing out over all these different things that I was letting her scent take control of me. Yeah, that was it. I mean, the scent hadn't changed any…hadn't grown more potent…I was just hyperaware right now, all senses attuned to her in my infallible anxiety. Just psyching myself out…

Through my first three classes I didn't hear a single word. I focused on Bella's presence; the energy and warmth of her next to me, the scent of her skin, all the emotions flitting around inside her head. Teachers talked, gave out assignments, but I didn't hear any of it. I was too focused on Bella, who didn't seem to be listening to the teachers either.

During Chemistry, I finally gathered the courage to look at her. She had her head looking down, focusing on the black table. Her mouth was twisted into a frown, and every so often her teeth would catch her bottom lip and she'd bite down. Her hands were in her lap, and she kept fiddling with them. Her left leg was shaking uncontrollably, as if she was restless.

Slightly, she glanced over at me, and then back at the table. When she moved her head, the hair behind her ear let loose, creating a curtain between me and her face. That didn't stop me from looking at her until the bell rang, though.

And numbly I walked to my next class without being aware of the rest of the world. I sat, conjured up every moment Bella and I ever had until today. Then I seemed to snap out of it by my pocket vibrating. Slowly, I realized I'd gotten a text message. I hid the phone from my teacher and read the text.

'You might wanna stop staring at Bella. It's creeping her out.' Edward.

'Shut up, I was not creeping her out.'

'Sure you weren't. Just like I don't know what Bella wants to talk to you about right?'

I took a sharp inhale to calm myself down and texted him back. 'Edward, if you what's good for you, you'll tell me what she wants.'

I waited very impatiently for his next text message. 'I only got a tiny part of it. But it has something to do with the vampire transformation.'

My heart felt like it skipped a beat, even though I knew it couldn't. What did that mean? She already knew the mechanics of it. I'd once told her if she wanted me to, I'd change her, no questions asked. Maybe that was what she was curious about. If she was still eager for immortality, that could mean I still had a chance with her.

I mulled over that all class period and on my way to lunch. I sat down, distracted, not really hearing if Alice was talking to me. Edward sat down next to me with a tray of food he wasn't going to eat. "Jasper?" he asked.

My eyes flickered up to him. "Hey. Yeah, sorry about that. What's up?"

"Brace yourself. Bella's coming." I rolled my eyes. But I knew he was right. I did need to brace myself. And then wait for three more hours to talk to her.

She sat down without looking at me and took a piece of pizza of Edward's tray.

"Bella!" Alice crowed. "What are you doing this weekend? We should hang out."

"Um, I'll have to check my schedule. I might be out of town."

"Ooh, where are you going?"

"Maybe visiting Renee and Phil in Jacksonville."

"Sounds fun." She gave Bella a fake grin and gave Edward a meaningful look.

One of my eyebrows rose. What were those two up to? And would they ever tell me?

The rest of lunch was boring. My head was resting on the table to where I could look at Bella without her noticing. She and Alice were carrying on some random conversation. I resisted the urge to flick him off.

The Alice's eyes went blank in that faraway look, like it always did when she was having a vision. She looked pained, and gave me a panicked expression. "Jasper, get out now! Get as far away from the cafeteria as possible."

That only meant one thing: blood. My mouth was already salivating thinking about it. But I ran out of the cafeteria and into the parking lot, practically locked myself in Edward's Volvo. I held my breath just in case. Attacking a student would not be a good thing. I turned the radio on softly to distract my mind from the scene I was missing.

Suddenly there was a sharp rap on the window, and I jumped. I looked out into the parking lot and saw Bella, pale and breathing in fast rasps. I opened the door for her and she got in quickly.

"Bella, are you all right?"

"I…" She swallowed hard. "I don't like blood."

I laughed sympathetically. "What happened in there?"

"I don't know it went by too fast. I just remember lots of blood…ad then everything went out of focus." She thought about it for a moment, and shuddered.

"Well…" She sighed. "We might as well talk since we're together. You don't care about the rest of school, do you?"

"Not at all. You want to take this car or your truck?"

"My truck would be better. Edward and Alice need a fast car to get home."

"Fair enough." I let her drive her truck home; all the while wishing we'd get there so she can go ahead and talk about whatever it was.

When he got to her house she cut the engine off and looked over in my direction. She didn't talk to me for a while, just sat staring at me, but finally she opened her mouth to talk. "Do you still want to be with me?"

"Of course I do! Why would you even ask that?"

"Well, I wasn't sure…With the way I've been shutting you out…I just didn't know."

I was quiet. She had been shutting me out, but that didn't mean I'd given up on her. "Well, I'm still here."

"Yeah…Does your offer of going away together still stand?"

"It does if you're saying you wanna go away with me."

Bella shrugged. "Do you remember our discussion about the transformation?"

Here it comes. I swallowed hard. "We had a lot of conversations about that. Which one?"

"The one where you said you'd change me if I asked you to."

"I remember that. And I told true to that promise. Are you asking me to change you now?"

Bella's breath caught in her throat. I wanted so bad to pry in her mind and figure out how she's feeling, but I didn't. Instead, I put a hand on her cheek and asked the question again. "Bella, are you asking me to change you right now?"

Her eyes connected with mine and I stared into her eyes, lost in the flow of milk chocolate color, waiting for her to talk. "No. I'm not. I'm asking you to take me away from here and to change me when I'm ready for it."

I processed the words. Joy crept across my face. "Really? You're saying yes to running away together?"

She bit her lip. "I didn't think I would. But you were right; it's about time to make my own decisions. This is what I want, so I'm going after it."

My smile stretched from ear to ear. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. For so long I'd cursed myself for leaving her. For so long I've wanted everything to go back to the way it had been. For so long all I wanted was her. And now I had her. Nothing else in the world mattered but her.

The hand I'd pressed to her cheek was still frozen there. I brought my other hand to her other cheek and cupped them, pulling her closer to me. I brought my lips to hers, and she didn't resist it. Her arms moved to grasp my hair in her hands, just like I remembered she did. I didn't want to let her go. This was the happiest moment of my existence.

Against my will I broke the kiss off. "You really wanna leave?"

"Yeah. Let me get my stuff together and write a note to Charlie and we can go somewhere. Anywhere, it doesn't matter. I'm sick of this town and the people in it. It's time for a positive change."

"Okay. I'll be back for you later. I'll give you time to get your stuff, and I'll be back." I pressed my lips to hers again and ran back to the mansion.

Immediately I got my guitar out of my case and plugged it into the amp. My notebook was already on the bed. I was finally over my writer's block. I was finally happy, and moving on with my pitiful life. I was on a different route.

"I swear I can't stand this place and what's becoming of me. The longer I have to stay I want to think all unthinkable things and say what I shouldn't say. I need a change. With that said I'm leaving today. I've got some concrete ideas and they've been paving my way towards all the downtowns and urban decay. There's so much life to these bricks, there's so much buildings can say.

"A new experienced me. We'll be coming back on rusted limbs and bloody knees. A call to arms from all the suburban soldiers who's got no one to count on. Faceless and scarred, we don't know where were going we forgot where we came from.

"I thought there was blood left in this stone. Turns out that I was wrong. I hope you find the place that feels like home. And a heightened sense of strength and a stronger sense of self.

"A new experienced me. We'll be coming back on rusted limbs and bloody knees. A call to arms from all the suburban soldiers who's got no one to count on. Faceless and scarred, we don't know where were going we forgot where we came from. A new experienced me. We'll be coming back on rusted limbs and bloody knees. A call to arms from all the suburban soldiers who's got no one to count on. Faceless and scarred, we don't know where were going we forgot where we came from."

I quickly got all my stuff together quickly. My clothes, my notebook, to the blank page at the front. My songs needed a title…I thought about it for a moment, then scrawled on the paper. 'Shudder: a collection of songs by Jasper Hale.'

Then I left for Bella's house. I didn't except her to be done packing or anything, but I just didn't want to be away from her anymore.

When I got there she was at the kitchen counter with a pen in her hand, trying to think of what to write to Charlie. She'd written out his name, and that was all.

"Hey," I said.

"Hi. I've got my stud packed, but I don't know what to say to Charlie. I don't know how to break it to him."

"Why don't you just be honest with him?"

She nodded. "Okay."

'Charlie-

I'm sorry, but I have to leave. Not just moving out, but away—away from Forks, away from this house, away from your rules. You aren't a hard person to love with, but I can't deal with the fact you won't let me see Jasper. I tried to be strong and deal with it, but I can't anymore.

Charlie, he's really all I want. And I don't want to wait anymore. I thought I could wait until after senior year to be with him, but it's just not possible. I can't look at him every day and not be with him.

So we're leaving Forks. I don't know where we're going, but know that I'll be safe. Tell Renee not to worry about me—really, I'll be fine. I'll call you every once in a while just to remind you that I'm happy and safe. But I'll be with Jasper, and that's what I really want.

I love you.

Bella.'

A tear ran down her cheek. I brushed it away with my thumb and she wrapped her arms around me in a hug. "You sure this is what you want to do?"

"Of course it is, Jasper. I just don't want my parents to worry."

I pressed my cheek against hers, and w stood there like that for a while. When she pulled back, the tears were gone. "How did Esme take it?"

"She didn't. She wasn't home when I got there. I'm going to call Carlisle at the office now."

I got my phone out and dialed the number. "Dr. Cullen here," he said into the receiver.

"It's Jasper. I want you to be the first to know I'm leaving Forks."

"Again?" It was almost a sigh. "Jasper, you can't keep running away from—"

"With Bella," I added on.

"Oh." He sounded surprised. "She agreed?"

"Yeah. Finally."

"Well, I hope everything work out for you two. Good luck." I hung up.

"All set." I grinned at Bella.

She was biting her lip, but grinning at the same time. "We're really doing this? I mean, I'm not like dreaming or anything am I?"

I laughed. "No, you're definitely not dreaming. I'm here, and I will always be here."

We kissed, making it last longer than really necessary. But we were both so _happy_. Things were looking up finally. I hoped it would last.

She laced her fingers through mine, and we left the town we called home. It was time for a little adventure. Together.

I am Jasper Whitlock Hale, born 1844 in Houston, Texas. And for as long as I live, I will always be in love with Isabella Marie Swan.

* * *

THE END!!!! I hope you liked it! I'm gonna be posting some outtake song choices for the chapters. But I really hope you enjoyed the story, and I hope you like the ones I write in the future. I feel so accomplished actually finishing this story. It meant a lot to me when I was writing it. It took me a LONG time, and it's been my safe haven for when things haven't been so great in life. I just wrote and wrote and edited and revised until I got it as I wanted it. And I hope it meant something to you, because it meant the world to me.

So, Shudder is officially finished. And you need to give a BIG thank you to Bayside, and the song A Call to Arms (yes, the chapter song!) I was listening to it, and I looked up the lyrics, and I noticed the album name was called Shudder. And then the idea struck me: what if Jasper was in love with Bella instead of Edward? Bam, there you have my story! Literally here, peoples. Haha.

Well, I have a story in my mind right now, and one I wrote before this. I've been thinking about posting it, but the writing is a little immature. I might just post it anyways to see if people even like it. Whaddya say?

Thanks for reading.

-Hailee


	28. Outtake Song Lyrics

_**Stay With Me by The Mitch Hansen Band**_

Can't you see my heart is heavy, just because I know you're leaving? Sometimes I wish you could read my mind. Look at me I'm always lost, but I am found and I can't believe it. There is just one more thing I have to ask.

Stay with me for a while. Stay with me and I'll smile. Never leave and you'll see. Stay with me, will you please?

Drowning in a topaz sea and who knew death could be comforting? The blackness of the past is so far away. I see you and then it hits me. It's no wonder you eclipse me. Everything I wanted has come true.

Stay with me for a while. Stay with me and I'll smile. Never leave and you'll see. Stay with me, will you please?

And so our paths have crossed; the lion and the lamb. Please tell me you'll never leave me. You're part of who I am.

Stay with me for a while. Stay with me and I'll smile. Never leave and you'll see. Stay with me, will you please?

_**Breathe Hope In Me by A Day to Remember**_

I'm so afraid, I can't hold on this time. That's why I write, to let you know just what goes on. 'Cause this is me, and everything I've dreamed. And you know that I can't just settle for anything. Just once more can we pretend that everything is okay and that we are all happy? Breathe hope in me. I need you. I try so hard to make this work in my life. I still believe in you. Play that faster and maybe they will move to our sound. This is the way it's supposed to be. Coming together, on the dance floor, will you light the scene? Sing along. This is your favorite song. And we'll play along 'cause you're the reason I'm alive.

Close your eyes. Sit back and relax, we'll be okay. Time and time again, I'll pray you're looking back by the wake.

So here we, we are, again. So here we, we are, again. So here we, we are, again. So here we, we are, again. So here we, we are, again.

Close your eyes. Sit back and relax, we'll be okay. Time and time again, I'll pray you're looking back by the wake. Close your eyes. Sit back and relax, we'll be okay. Time and time again, I'll pray you're looking back by the wake. By the wake. Awake. By the wake.

_**Hunter by 30 Seconds to Mars**_

If travel is searching, and home has been found, I'm not stopping.

I'm going hunting. I'm the hunter. I'll bring back the goods. But I don't know when.

I thought I could organize freedom. How American of me. This is soon. You figured it out, didn't you? You could smell it. So you left me on my own to complete the mission. Now I'm leaving it all behind.

I'm going hunting. I'm the hunter. I'm the hunter. I'm the hunter

You just didn't know me. You just didn't know me. You just didn't know me. You just didn't know me. You just didn't know me. You just didn't know me. You just didn't know me.

_**Like Wolves by Dead and Divine**_

I am young, and I'm in love. Post-apocalyptic? Sure. But it's something I'm working on. Equipped with a bible and a rifle, I should be fine, with this holiness on my side. But what's the good in a god by your side, when the devil creeps around my neck like a snake? We march, in the damnation parade. We're cast, Ill-starred in an operatic gun ballet. I apologize. I have prior affairs I've arranged, I have a date with the gallows and I can't be late. I don't care much for your advice, this drink here is rather convincing, but your horns and tail tell me otherwise. So I'm getting the hell out of here. The stench of deceit is far too much to bear, is far too much to bear. And when we dance, oh how we'll dance before a conflux of crows.

Like wolves, I can't help but lick my lips at the thought of biting into your skin, and tasting grace. Oh God what I'd give to feel the slightest bit alive again.

To feel the slightest bit alive. To feel the slightest bit of temptation, temptation has a killer body.

Like wolves, I can't help but lick my lips at the thought…

That boy's got the devil inside him. That boy's got the devil inside him. That boy's got the devil inside him. That boy's got it.

Like wolves, I can't help but lick my lips at the thought of biting into your skin, and tasting grace. Oh God what I'd give to feel the slightest bit alive again, to feel the slightest bit alive again. Oh God what I'd give to feel the slightest bit alive again.

_**Vanity and Greed by Silverstein**_

Don't say you don't miss me yet I must concede. There's something I have to explain. It isn't easy playing your way. I can't even begin to say. I'm taking back my conscience. I'm gonna take control. I've seen the bravest lions shy away. I've seen the tallest tress fall down. I've made a hobby of self-deprecating my honesty and my integrity. Don't let me drag you down.

Don't say goodnight, say goodbye. You can't mend a scar; you can't fix a shattered heart. Don't even try.

I'll sell you every ounce of honesty. You'll buy it all and lie with me. I can't pretend there's any truth to me. It's all just vanity and greed. I'm taking all your karma. I'm gonna need it more.

Don't say goodnight, say goodbye. You can't mend a scar; you can't fix a shattered heart. Don't even try.

Here's my advice if you know what's good for you: Don't let your guard down, don't let your guard down. Here's my advice if you know what's good for you: Don't let your guard down, don't let your guard down. Here's my advice if you know what's good for you: Don't let your guard down, don't let your guard down. Here's my advice if you know what's good for you: Don't let your guard down, don't let your guard down. Here's my advice if you know what's good for you: Don't let your guard down, don't let your guard down now.

Don't let me drag you down. Don't say goodnight, say goodbye. You can't mend a scar; you can't fix a shattered heart. Don't even try. Don't say goodnight, say goodbye. You can't mend a scar; you can't fix a shattered heart. Don't even try.

I'm taking back my conscience. I'm gonna take control. I'm taking all your karma. I'm gonna need it more.

_**Leave Out All the Rest by Linkin Park**_

I dreamed I was missing. You were so scared. But no one would listen 'cause no one else cared. After my dreaming I woke with this fear. What am I leaving when I'm done here? So if you're asking me I want you to know:

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don't resent me. And when you're feeling empty keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest.

Don't be afraid. I've taking my beating. I've shared what I've been. I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through. I've never been perfect, but neither have you. So if you're asking me I want you to know:

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don't resent me. And when you're feeling empty keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest.

Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well. Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself. I can't be who you are.

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done. Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed. And don't resent me. And when you're feeling empty keep me in your memory. Leave out all the rest. Leave out all the rest

Forgetting all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well. Pretending someone else can come and save me from myself. I can't be who you are. I can't be who you are.

_**Vampires Will Never Hurt You by My Chemical Romance**_

And if they get me and the sun goes down into the ground. And if they get me take this spike to my heart and…And if they get me and the sun goes down. And if they get me take this spike and you put the spike in my heart. And if the sun comes up will it tear the skin right off our bones? And then as razor sharp white teeth rip out our necks I saw you there. Someone get me to the doctor, someone get me to a church where they can pump this venom gaping hole. And you must keep your soul like a secret in your throat. And if they come and get me you put the spike in my heart. And if they get me and the sun goes down. And if they get me take this spike and…

Can you take this spike? Will it fill our hearts with thoughts of endless night time sky? Can you take this spike? Will it wash away this jet black feeling?

And now the nightclub set the stage for this they come in pairs she said, "We'll shoot back holy water like cheap whiskey they're always there." Someone get me to the doctor, and someone call the nurse. And someone buy me roses, and someone burned the church. We're hanging out with corpses; we're driving in this hearse. Someone save my soul tonight, please save my soul.

Can you take this spike? Will it fill our hearts with thoughts of endless night time sky? Can you take this spike? Will it wash away this jet black feeling?

And as these days watch over time, and as these days watch over time. And as these days watch over us tonight. And as these days watch over time, and as these days watch over time. And as these days watch over us tonight. I'll never let them, I'll never let them. I'll never let them hurt you now tonight. I'll never let them, I can't forget them. I'll never let them hurt you, I promise. Struck down, before our prime. Before, you got off the floor. Can you stake my heart? Can you stake my heart? Can you stake me before the sun goes down?

And as always, innocent like roller coasters. Fatality is like ghosts in snow and you have no idea what you're up against because I've seen what they look like. Becoming perfect as if they were sterling silver chainsaws going cascading...

_**It's Not Over by Secondhand Serenade**_

My tears run down like razorblades. And no, I'm not the one to blame, it's you, or is it me? And all the words we never say come out and now we're all ashamed. And there's no sense in playing games when you've done all you can do.

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over? We had the chance to make it. Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over. I wish that I could take it back. But it's over.

I lose myself in all these fights. I lose my sense of wrong and right. I cry, I cry. It's shaking from the pain that's in my head. I just wanna crawl into my bed and throw away the life I led. But I won't let it die, but I won't let it die.

But now it's over, it's over, why is it over? We had the chance to make it. Now it's over, it's over, it can't be over. I wish that I could take it back.

I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart. Don't say this won't last forever. You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart. Don't tell me that we will never be together. We could be, over and over. We could be, forever. I'm falling apart, I'm falling apart. Don't say this won't last forever. You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart. Don't tell me that we will never be together. We could be, over and over. We could be, forever.

It's not over, it's not over, it's never over. Unless you let it take you. It's not over, it's not over, it's not over. Unless you let it break you. It's not over.

_**When it Rains by Paramore**_

And when it rains on this side of town it touches everything. Just say it again and mean it. We don't miss a thing. You made yourself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole and convinced yourself that it's not the reason you don't see the sun anymore.

How could you do it? I never saw it coming. I need an ending. So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?

And when it rains you always find an escape. Just running away from all of the ones who love you, from everything. You made yourself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole. And you'll sleep till May. You'll say that you don't want to see the sun anymore.

How could you do it? I never saw it coming. I need an ending. So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?

Take these chances to turn it around. Take these chances we'll make it somehow. And take these chances and turn it around. Just turn it around.

How could you do it? I never saw it coming. I need an ending. So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?

You can take your time, take my time.

_**Playing With Fire by Emery**_

Pardon me for saying so but you look more pitiful than I have ever imagined, despite perfect fashion. And the photographs depict you so differently. I always thought you would be, some sort of match for me. So let's decide who can survive. Stomping feet and racing beats of hearts that don't ever slow. Then I'll write letters on white paper  
expressing my deep disappointment.

Dripping where I stand from my watery hands, hoping to get passed the open bedroom door. With her clothes on the floor. Remind me of our conversations; the feeling of slight hesitation to turn out the lights. 14 days now since we started to complicate the situation. I'm not hiding; I'm just buying some time for us to find the back door. We will come out when it's safe for us.

There's nothing left to say to express the way that I've behaved. I still feel him gripping like a stain to this fabric, torn in every seam, then thrown away. Don't believe me when I say it's over. By the time it's all uncovered. One without regret. I will not forget. Kill me.

Why should I take all the blame for my mistakes? You were there with every promise made to break. When did you become the one without regret? Kill me. Burn me down. I swear I won't forget.

_**Crash by Papa Roach**_

I refuse to be a victim. I refuse to be a slave. I keep on burning my bridges. I keep on fucking up everything. Running from desperation. God knows where I've been. I don't know where I'm headed. But I'm going to fast I think I'm going to crash. I'm going to crash! I'm going to crash! To crash!

Time for annihilation. It's time to be a criminal. No time for hesitation. It's time to be an animal.

Looking at my reflection. Don't like what I see. So I ask my self a question: Do I got what I want? Do I got what I need? Not afraid of the future. I'm spinning right out of control. Don't know where I'm headed but I'm going to fast I think I'm going to crash. I'm going to crash! I'm going to crash! To crash!

Time for annihilation. It's time to be a criminal. No time for hesitation. It's time to be an animal. Time for annihilation. It's time to be a criminal. No time for hesitation. It's time to be an animal.

I refuse to be a victim. I don't want to fall again. I know where I'm headed. God knows where I've been. I'm going to crash! I'm going to crash! I'm going to crash! I'm going to crash! I'm going to crash! I'm going to crash! I'm going to crash! I'm going to crash! Yea!

Time for annihilation. It's time to be a criminal. No time for hesitation. It's time to be an animal. Time for annihilation. It's time to be a criminal. No time for hesitation. It's time to be an animal.

Live, love, life! Live, love, fight! Live, love, life!

_**To the Moon and Back, Babe by Dead and Divine**_

Pretty you are, enough to be in magazines, but I know and you know you're worth more than that to me. But my desire to taste you has completely diminished due to the fact that your lips on lips just might be your foot on my throat, holding back the hidden "I love you's" in all the songs that I've ever wrote. Until the day that his swells have come to suck you in and steal you away from me yet again. To drown everything important to assure you forgot about me. To remain embraced by something stranger than me, warmer than me, better than me. More suitable to best accommodate your needs. And the moment he touches your face, caresses your body, just to feel I will break at the knees, and I will combust. I will, I will. And his swells have come to suck you in and steal you away from me yet again. So it won't hurt so bad to see you love again. So it won't hurt so bad to watch as you forget about me.


End file.
